More kids = More volume

My kids are not very quiet, and I already boss around a lot about such a long list of things that I try not to interfere with making noise too much. We do live in an appartment building, though, so thumping, hammering, making loud music and shouting are no-gos early in the morning or late in the evening. Screaming is always a no-go, as is shouting on the balcony. But i have to admit that one of the issues that stresses me a lot about having kids is that it involves a lot of decibels. Kids are simply loud - all you need to do is to enter a sports room or courtyard at kindergarten during a break to believe it. Or try to have dinner at our place with a number of parents trying to have a discussion, and a larger number of kids bouncing around enjoying their games. Send 'em out into the garden is not possible in our flat, nor in inner-city Berlin. And especially when kids have social time with friends, I'm not a fan of that quieting TV/videos (our kids aren't allowed to watch much nor regularly - they'll do that enough later in life, unfortunately). So noise it is. And the more kids, the noisier it gets. When the base is 3 and it's not uncommon that we have 6 here at one go, very noisy...

Lots of chaos in the world (news)

I spend a lot of my time reading the news at the moment. I feel a bit thrown back into my first masters degree, as I studied international relations then, and my days were filled with analyzing power, conflict and cooperation. I now instead read about power, conflict - and less about cooperation, and I don't do much analysis.

It's slightly scary to follow the news these days, with hopes of autocratic regimes being thrown over turning into hopelessness of countries falling into chaos. Russia just seems to have announced that it will intervene in the Ukraine. I spent most of my evening yesterday talking about the current situation in Venezuela (with a Venezuelan friend who follows his country's news very closely). Syria is just overtaking Afghanistan with the most refugees in the world. Egypt just toppled another head of state. South Sudan and the Central African Republic are in violent and full chaos, and the UN just published a report on North Korea, stating that they may just have overtaken Nazi Germany in acts of horror against their population.

I often try to end an evening with the kids with a question "what was the nicest thing about your day today?", so perhaps I'll try to end this blog post with the same question. Do I recall anything positive from what I've read so far today? I don't. Which is mainly a sign about the papers I read, because there is always lots of positive in the world as well. I'll try to share a positive story next time. Or perhaps you can send me one?  

Motivation through Interviews

A friend of mine who moved to Berlin a while back and was looking for a job wrote a great (serious/professional!) blog during her wait, and also interviewed specialists in her field. A great idea, in my view, and she found a job thanks to this endeavor. I'm too much of a coward to try this approach (who would contribute to a blog by me? who would ever read it? I feel like there are just a kazillion more professional blogs of experts with a kazillion times more expertise than I have in my field.)

In any case, I have realized that I become motivated to learn things - and open my eyes to new things - when I get interviewed. Not by professional bloggers or journalists (just in case you were wondering!), but by potential employers. I've actually applied for a few jobs, not because I want to do the job in practice, but because it's a great way to motivate myself to learn and think about something new (and the HR department seems to sense that I'm not as serious candidate most times, and I never get far enough and my scheme to crunch for an interview then fails…).

I've aimed quite (very!) high with my recent applications, and - not surprisingly - haven't made it to many interviews yet. But why not try? At this point, at least, two months into the process of applying. I did get invited to an interview in two weeks for something random, though. I applied for a (low) stipend to "do what you want" for a year. What a strange thing to apply for.

What would you do if you'd have a year to do what you want?

Dear Diary - Post 300

Those of you who have known me for longer know that I can produce a lot of text. A loooot of text. So it will not come as a surprise that this is my 300th post on this blog. Thanks to those who are still following, or occasionally take a peek.

It has been a lovely week. We're still struggling with some mild illnesses, but it is sunny outside, I have had lots of time to do things I enjoy, and meet lovely people. And it has been a strange week, because suddenly, my motivation to work or somehow further educate myself to become a more knowledgeable productive person in my field has taken a nosedive. I am starting to perceive myself as someone not just temporarily "on a break" from my work and field, but someone who is slipping out of my field. And work life.

I know that, in the medium term, this will undermine my personal happiness and contentment. But I'm suddenly in a phase of doubt. Who I am professionally? What am I worth? What are my competencies? Where's the love for my topic suddenly disappeared to? My passionate interest? It all suddenly feels so distant. Am I giving up?

Ah, the mom-in-laws...

I have to caveat this post with an objective, realistic statement: I have the most loving, caring, wonderful parent-in-laws. And I can thankfully say that about my parents as well. I know that I am utterly blessed, not only in the positive sense, but also in not having any real negative experiences, after so many horror stories I have read about in-laws in other cultures.

But. Just a little anecdote. Or two.

Last night, I was sitting with my in-laws (my husband wonderfully times his travels for these days) and chatting about my "work situation". I was telling them about my decision to leave the full-time office job I had, but that I'm happy that I have found a small, albeit temporary project. In reaction, my mother-in-law starts a story with "Do you know who else is unemployed?". Ouch. So I tried to explain that I have a project. I actually get paid for it. It is actually work, even if I don't sit at an office or work full-time. And in response, I get another story. "Do you know who else is working on the German minimum subsistence income?" (EUR 450 that unemployed people are allowed to earn without losing benefits). I again tried to explain that I don't consider myself unemployed, nor would the state as I've actually quadrupled my monthly earning just by switching from an office to a project for now. Did it go through? No. For every relative and friend on this planet, the phone line buzz over the next week will be "and do you know who else is now unemployed?".

Our parents generation grew up with life-time jobs. But even now, we still live in a society that somehow values only full-time, mainly institution-based employment. One day, I hope that we can value also productive work that comes in chunks, not surrounded by irrelevant, useless sitting around at the office or in meetings, just to kill time. And work that is not just valued by the amount and regularity of a paycheck.

Why things happen when they do

I'm a bit of an emotional person, as my friends and especially my family know. I am also a strong believer in intuition, which often manifests itself in strong emotions. I'm also a believer in fate: some things are just meant to be - and some not. Some things can be changed - and some can not. And some things happen for a reason at a certain point in time. With 8 weeks of constant illnesses with the kids - mild but enough to have to stay away from school and daycare - this seems a very good time not to be in a rigid office job. With the sun out and the mildest January and February temperatures I have experienced in my 13 years in Berlin, another reason to enjoy not being in an office. And today, despite still being ill, I went to art class for the first time in many, many years. Even if nothing more, I have done so many things I love during the past weeks. With all the ups and downs, this was the right thing to do. Now.

Motivation quote

"Motivation is the art to get people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it" Dwight Eisenhower. (I'm ill, apologies for a mere - but brilliant - placeholder quote.)

When sleep-deprived: work, shop, cook, clean

I've been having some restless nights lately. My youngest (3) has clearly been napping for too long at kindergarden (we have a "max 1 hr" rule with them, but I have long experience with conflicting motivations among staff to let kids sleep long and parents who despair at night and pay the price). He went to bed at 10pm last night, and keeps getting up at 6. Dot 6. My second daughter (6) is having restless nights, so even when I do get to bed (far too late, as I still need to wind down myself and read a bit etc.), I don't get much sleep. Some nights I have my son and my daughter in MY bed. Thankfully I'm small, but even when we do all sleep, I can't be sleeping very well.

So, any sane mother who is at home would probably take her children to school/daycare in the morning, and go bad to bed for an hour or two. And sleep-deprived me decided to shop, cook the evening meal, vacuum, clean the bathrooms (I need to organize a new cleaning lady - fast!), draft three work papers, and go to an annual skin check-up. All before noon.

I know from experience that this backfires big-time. The kids aren't rested, and are giddy. I'm not rested, and get snappy. And this all doesn't end on a pretty note. So why don't I just go and take a nap? Sigh.

Potential emplyee: woman, mother, mother of sick children

During the past weeks of never-ending illnesses (current: eldest child throwing up all over the train), I have been refining my view on the "women in the workforce" debate. I went from "you women without children have no clue about real challenges" to "only women with sick children really have to battle". I could continue to "only single mothers with..." or "only ill mothers with..." or "women lacking finances..." or "women lacking education...". There a kazillion sub-categories, and I'm listing these to underline that I am fully aware that my position is not unique, nor really challenging. Single, traumatized women with 7 ill children, displaced in DRC - that's what is a REAL challenge. These are "luxury" challenges that I write about. And again, just to caveat, many of these "women" issues can apply to men/dads as well. But to finish off my train of thought: After thinking about who "really" struggles, I came a full circle and realized what a potential employer sees in any young(ish) woman is the risk of becoming pregnant, having several kids, having kids who are ill a lot of the time. It doesn't really matter whether the kids are there yet or still possibly coming. Or if there are any even planned. We're all in the same boat at some level. And I again had more sympathy towards young, early-20-year olds, who think their "career-family" balance is a struggle. Because, in most cases, it will be.

Mothers' works networks

A friend of mine recently emailed me a link to a company that specializes in connecting mothers to employees. A nice idea, and one that I would have applauded a year ago, thinking "yes, get those moms back into the workforce". I'm not so sure about it anymore. I'm not so sure whether moms (and here I also mean dads) should return to the workforce as we currently know it, where 9 to 5 seems more like 5 to 9 for employees (or 7 to 11, i.e. being available all of our waking hours). Sure, these are certain jobs that I'm talking about, one's which work a lot with email and phone, and assume that a laptop and phone is part of an employees standard outfit. A year on, I believe it's time - for myself at least - to rethink. It is possible to combine work and family. Fulltime. I've proven that to myself. But the cost is high : there's practically zero own time. If quality time means going to the gym before the kids wake up (as Michelle Obama used to do), or eating into one's sleep after closing work emails at midnight...is it worth it? Again, I am fully aware what a luxurious situation I am in. I have a choice. But I also have a choice to help those who are forced to give up their wellbeing and sanity for financial reasons, or other pressures. And I may not succeed, but I hope that - at least in theory - I will come up with some ideas for myself (and hopefully also others) on how we could make the best out of both worlds, on TOP of our own world. Because work-life balance for parents cannot mean only work-child balance. It's not sustainable, and is a model that is bound to fail. Any thoughts?

Getting out of the office - getting out of home

I get quite anxious if I've been sitting in one place for the entire day. I can't admit to ever having enjoyed office life very much, unless there are conferences, useful (!) meetings, and social breaks (lunches, coffees) included. Sitting in front of a computer, hour after hour, be it at an office or at home, is painstakingly tedious - and unhealthy. When I was working, I signed up for relevant conferences as often as possible, because there's a world out there to learn about - and I enjoy meeting old connections and new people. And I need to move. At home, I need to give myself more of a kick, because those invitations to meetings and workshops usually go to institutions, not private people. But so far, thanks to various alumni programs and connections I have made just by stepping out of the door, I've been just as - if not more - active than when working. It hasn't really left much time to "properly sit down and think", but right now, I feel like most of my ideas happen when I'm walking from A to B, or by talking to people, or when reading something while depleting my bank account at cafes.

If I sit at home, my input either comes through the same old webpages that I constantly click through, dustballs I tend to find and suddenly need to clean up…

This is perhaps an idea post to write on a sunny, beautiful day. Let it snow slush and be icy cold, and I'll be writing odes to the possibility to hermit and not move.

Berlin is treating me well right now. As are so many of my friends here. Thank you for that.

Living our dreams

Thank you so much to all of you who have contributed to the "conversations". It is amazing to learn so many new things about friends, some of whom I have known for 30 years! I was surprised by a number of issues.

For one, most of your mothers have worked. Either I am attracting my few blog readers among friends who are trying to achieve what their mothers did as well (subconsciously, consciously, or just by chance correlation), or I haven't quite been aware just how many women in our mothers' generation already managed to combine family and work. Perhaps it really is easy, and I'm just a sole struggler, and making my life more complicated than it is? Or perhaps our mothers struggled as well, and we have not come much further in 20-30 years - and the struggle continues.

The second issue that surprised me was that a number of us have unfulfilled dreams. Some dreams are nice to remain that - dreams: thoughts and fantasies that keep our mind wondering, and offer us a feeling of alternative. And some dreams are not compatible with other dreams, or our reality, unless you are one of those concert pianist, heart surgeon, mom-of-10 geniuses.

However, I wish many of my friends would fulfill some of their dreams - just as I wish I would just pick up a paint-brush, and get going - especially now that I have some free time. There are so many among you whom I know are so incredibly talented. In singing, playing music, painting, quilting, sewing, acting, photographing. And perhaps you are doing these things, but I would love to see the results. And if you are not doing these things (as much as you'd like to), you should. Just as I should.

I recently read a book called "Nudge", which explains how small incentives can get people to act in positive ways - often in ways they wish they would act. The standard issues involve making sure you start saving for your pension plan early enough (guilty!), living a healthy lifestyle now and not "later", or finally learning that language you've dreamed of learning. Some methods to "nudge" people to act on their wishes is to provide more information / courses / a coach to help you sit down to think things through / surveys that force you to make a decision one way or another (without the option of "will do that later"). Others include making pacts with friends or colleagues, or even using online tools, whereby you commit to doing x, pay in y, and only get y back if you fulfill x. Y otherwise gets donated to charity, or your friend.

Any takers? I have a list of "to dos", but the "later" is stronger. Perhaps I should simply blog less? ;)