Germany's Family Policy Mess

To mark the beginning of childcare for all of my three kids (the youngest will still be settling in for a few weeks), I restarted a newspaper subscription (Sueddeutsche, my favorite national daily). There was a great editorial piece on Germany's lost family policy chances. A few months ago, I wrote about a new subsidy for children that provides an incentive for women not to return to work. Despite a lot of criticism to this subsidy, and the highest number of female ministers in core cabinet positions for family policy (family, work, social, chancellor), Germany is moving backwards in its policy on providing opportunities for women with children to work. A disincentive to work is not an opportunity to make a choice. It is a restriction of a basic freedom that I expect from any developed country.

Another Step Towards Freedom

I have never before kept the kids home for the full summer break. Seven weeks later, I have survived. Three weeks of this I had my husband to help, which felt like holiday bliss. The rest has been hard - but also rewarding - work. I have been less stressed, less snappy, and less exhausted thanks to the more flexible schedule - and some brilliant warm, sunny days. My sister, who is visiting and doesn't yet have kids, asked me around ten times today how I manage with the three small kids. It is pretty crazy. But tomorrow is yet another step towards freedom for me, as my girls return to care (first grade and preschool respectively, a big step!) and my youngest finally starts at kindergarden. I must underline the luxury of the logistics involved, as all of this is housed in one building, literally across the street from us (I can see the school entrance from our balcony). A few hours of freedom from the kids. The question of freedom to what is still open. At the least to read a newspaper at a corner cafe for a start.

Good Night Sweetheart(s)

I have fond memories of singing this song with two dear friends, but also relive this phrase in practice every evening. Three small kids (6, 4, 1.5) don't go to bed alone. I am lucky in that most nights, my husband is here, and we alternate our task: one brings  the older girls to bed, the other our youngest. He still sleeps in our room in a crib, the girls share a room. After everyone has adjusted to starting school and kindergarden, I have prepared the rooms so that the youngest two can share a room, and our first grader gets her own room (as do us parents again). But even then, our 6 year old needs us to dictate her evening routines, and our youngest needs us to carry them out for him. It gets easier every year, but I'm looking forward to the day when "good night sweethearts" is just saying that, and off they go...

My Blueberry Night(s)

A cute film by Wong Kar Wai with Norah Jones, Jude Law and Nathalie Portman. But tonight in real with blueberries picked by my daughters in Finland, hand delivered by my dad this morning, baked by my girls together with their granddad, eaten by all of us, including my sister, who just arrived in Berlin for a visit. Unique but tradition-filled Blueberry moments, as my dad again leaves tomorrow, my sister soon thereafter, and we no longer have real blueberries - until next summer. Autumn starts this week for us; a beautiful, revitalizing and important summer comes to an end. Gratitude.

Ideal Moment - In Practice, At Present

I, like a lot of people, find it difficult to live in the here and now. There are always plans, wishes, hopes for the future. It is too easy to see what is lacking now... Kids are a mixed blessing, as on the one hand, they help you focus on the current moment (that angellic giggle), but also make you wish time would fly (that beautiful moment when they are all asleep). Here is an ode to this current moment: My youngest is napping, the rest of the family on an outing. I have a panorama view of a beautiful lake (Brandenburg's, German's state around Berlin, largest - the Scharmützelsee). I just finished Herta Müller's Atemschaukel (she won the nobel prize two or so years back, this is the second of her books that I read, both were about oppression of the German-speaking minority in Roumania, heavy but very poetic). I am tuned into classic radio. Peace (around and of mind) and a great deal of gratitude for this moment, here and now.

Burned Bridges

I am a rather moody person, both in my private life and professionally. In the latter I have learned to be more patient, but at some point, if something isn't working, I make this pretty clear (not always very diplomatically). This is not a very useful trait for my career, but on the other hand, I believe in staying true to oneself and others - there's not much more that I hate than backstabbing or lies. In any case, the price of my openness (which has frequently resulting in bridge burning) is that there is now a rather ideal opening in one of my past work places, but the bridge to returning is probably gone. I am giving it a careful tread, just to see whether I have misjudged the situation, but I am rather certain that my foot will tread on air. For a reason, probably, and I will value this closed option later on, when some other option works out in stead.

Finland Finland Finland...(know the Monty Python song?)

Berlin-Mitte (where we live) is a magnet for foreigners. The current trend is French hip tourists. I bump into Finns, most recent arrivals staying for a few months or a year, pretty much on a daily basis. Today on a 9am playground outing (my kids still have vacation and we were up since 6...) I met a mom of three whom I had met in the same park a year ago. Her husband is a Finnish professor and on exchange for two years. She is a teacher and on leave from her job in Finland for three years, as her youngest kids are 2.5 years (twins). We had a nice chat, catching up on the last year. The main changes: I no longer work, and am struggling to find a new job that would be family compatible. On her side: she is getting ready to return to Finland and her job, and her husband will go on a sabbatical year to ease the transition of the move. As after my summer trip to Finland and discussions with friends and family, I realized how "easy" maternity is in Scandinavia. And again, how interchangeable the roles of the sexes are, at least compared to continental Europe. We have never considered moving to Finland, but this aspect saddens me about my life here. Then again, there are so many benedfits to being where we are. And after more photos from our friends in Switzerland, the pull is more to the South than to the North at the moment!

Stood Up and Asked for a Date

I was scheduled to have lunch today with a potentially useful job contact. We had emailed, but had never met. We fixed a time and place, and I googled a photo to find the person. The kids were with the babysitter and all was well until I couldn't find the person at the restaurant. Contrary to what I had expected, he hadn't reserved a table on his name. So I waited. And waited. I asked every single single man at the restaurant whether they were Dr. X. I tried calling. I ate my lunch. I read half of the Economist. It was sunny and I was on the terrace. A nice, albeit not very useful lunch. On the expensive side, if I add up my lunch and three hours of babysitting to cover the meeting and travels. All a misunderstanding in the end on his side, we rescheduled to talk next week. The price of being a working parent. It's not the first time I go through logistical challenges and pay for childcare just to be rescheduled or forgotten. But something was different this time. One of the men I had approached came over to me when leaving the restaurant. He was slightly older, but nice looking, wearing a good suit. He handed me a note with his phone number and suggestion to go for coffee. Just what I needed, right? ;)

When Does One Cease to Be a Specialist

Most women tend to be more humble about their job expertise than men. This is what I've read in several studies. Whereas men exaggerate their skills, women point out their shortcomings. I, for one, would never call myself an expert, even though I worked on minority policy and security for several years following my first masters degree, read the complete works of Nietzsche twice (in english and german) when I started my PhD, and wrote my second master's thesis on HIV/AIDS and kept up-to-date on the topic for another year or two while working in development policy.  But ask me today what I'm a specialist in, and I wouldn't be able to answer, as I am not currently working. I would, from an outside perspective, position myself in a critical stage. Many of my work contacts are still in their positions, so I can do some useful name-dropping to compensate for my lack of up-to-date expertise knowledge. But in a year or so, I know this is unlikely to be the case. I think this is the greatest danger for stay-at-home moms who want to return into their established careers (and not do inspiring and gutsy things like start their own business): they no longer can answer essential job market questions on "what" and "whom" do you know, which are key(s)...

Value of a Person

I have been having slightly philosophical thoughts this week, perhaps because I have been spending so many evenings doing manual work (sewing and building furniture for my eldest's new room). My main "big" train of thought has been how to value a person. Perhaps the question itself is wrong, but modern society compels us to see ourselves in terms of productive value (easiest measured by income). I often like to think that people are valuable in creating better conditions or happiness for those around them. This goes way beyond anything material, and is something I strive to do. Here the value of parents can be more easily measured (beyond the sum of incomes of a cleaner, cook, shopper, interior designer, entertainer, nurse, etc). But what about people like - and this triggered these thoughts of mine originally - the drunk homeless person on the corner of the  street? Surely many of these people have been productive (income wise) and helpful (producing happiness in e.g. their friends and family) before. And surely they are valuable, for some larger reason? Why do we primarily measure ourselves in terms of costs to society, and value we produce? A few simple thoughts on a larger meaning-of-life-size issue.

Parents' Sanity Clock

I often wish I would come up with a briliant, profit-exploding entrepreneurial idea. Surprisingly, I haven't. I have several projects in the pipeline, but I will keep these secret for now, to protect intellectual property rights and to avoid public humiliation. I have, however, recently come up with a new concept, called a "Parents' Sanity Clock". My youngest has inspired me to come up with this sanity-saving idea. It's simple: When there's a loud and repetitive "Mama" calling next to my bed at 5.30 am, I pretend it's 7am. And in the evenings, after all tasks have been done and to my horror it's already 11.30pm, and I'm only then ready to do what I actually wanted to do, I pretend it's only 8pm. This idea produces around zero profits, and has a huge price, which is even more sleep deprivation. But a bit of humor keeps one sane, right?

Are Moms Vital?

Every child deserves loving parents, I don't think anyone would disagree with that. I personally believe that it doesn't make a difference whether this means a mom and dad, two moms, two dads, or whatever else. As I have written several times, single parenting must be tough, but a single parent can surely be an amazing parent. I was thinking about this after a talk I had with a more senior person from a German development organization (his role is irrelevant, just a sidenote that I'm working on the job hunt). During our talk, we briefly sidetracked to mothers' difficulties in the job market, and he at some point made the following remark: children need their mothers more than their fathers. I find this an insult to all single dads, who may for whatever reason have to care for their kids alone. As if they were somehow less worthy, somehow less optimal parents. I also find such a comment an unnecessary burden for working mothers, feeding a guilt feeling that their primary role is to nurture. Some mothers may believe they are the more important parent. Some may want to play this role. But this should be a decision made within a family, not by society in a general way. As a sidenote, I favor the legal development that father's increasingly have custody entitelments after a divorce. Again, this depends on each individual case, but the assumption automatically made in the past that the mother is the "better" parent runs counter to my idea of sex equality and criteria for parenting.

And What Do You Do?

I'm back from Helsinki, where I spent four days with the kids. We did a lot (the weather was great), met some old friends and lots of relatives.

What struck me from this hugely unrepresentative sample (which I after the trip called "Finns" when telling stories to my husband) was that one of the first questions I was asked was always "And what do you do (for work)?"

In Berlin, ever since I have had kids (one/two/three), I have had to explicitly let slip into a conversation that I work. It used to drive me crazy that people were discussing work left and right of me at parties, and just assumed that because I have kids, I don't work.

An example of compatibility of work and family in Finland: A friend of mine, who recently had a baby, told me that she is planning on returning to work when her child turns one. She simply informs her employer when she will return, and what percentage she will start working at, and how she will spread this out (in her case around 80% over four days).

ps. Not representative. Anecdotal. But it sure sounds easier.
pps. My Berlin "dinner-party problem" (men have much more interesting conversations) didn't exist in Finland. Again, my sample was hugely unrepresentative, but for the first time in ages, I didn't feel like it made any difference whether I was talking to a woman or man - nor did I feel treated differently by either sex.