Blog Break

Time to pack away the laptop and ipad, and since I don't own a smartphone: offline time starts now.

Merry Christmas! We will be where Santa comes from (Lapland). I so hope to see some aurora borealis (northern lights), it would be a highlight to this wonderful end to a rather tough year. Thank you so much for following my rants, thoughts, worries - and HOPE. I have hugely appreciated all the feedback and support, and hope you all have a relaxing, beautiful break.

What are your wishes for 2013? Write them down, and look at your list occasionally throughout the year. I keep mine in my filofax. I have done so every year for nearly 20 years, and will do so again on the 31st.

It Always Seems Impossible until its Done

(Pre-post news: I was selected for the job!)

The subject-line is a quote by Mandela, and reflects some thoughts I have had over the past days. I realized that this mid-30s time is a time of big choices for women. Many are currently deciding whether to have children, and leave "freedom" and a "safe career". I know that many women are terrified of this decision, as it is life-transforming (just for the better, says someone with three kids). Many women have had a first or even second child, have returned to work, and face the same decision about whether to have a second or third child. But there are also women like me, who have one, two or three children already, and have to decide whether to jump back into the career world (properly). It all seems daunting, scary, perhaps impossible. Until its done. (And here I have an easier choice to make, because unlike the choice to have children, I can just quit a job any time if it feels impossible after all). My advice, also to myself: think less, just do it. We all muddlemthrough somehow.

Job Interviews and Diaper Strategies

I had a third-round interview today, which is a cause for celebration in itself, as anyone who has read this blog for a longer time will understand. This application process - for a rather minor position - has been surprisingly serious. I have for past positions never had a second-round interview, and sometimes had no interview at all. I'm in favor of this way, though, because it gives ample time for both sides to reflect on whether there is a good fit. I've also read about the subject matter much more thoroughly, based on gaps I realized I have had during the first two interview rounds.

Even if I don't get an offer in the end - or decide to decline the offer - this has been a very rewarding experience. I have learned a lot in terms of substance during preparation, I have built up motivation, and most importantly: self-esteem. Thanks go out in particular to those who have taken time to prep me on the topic, and who have been so encouraging and supportive. And thanks to my kids, who keep me grounded. There is nothing more relaxing before an interview than to be busied by your kids - you don't have time to get nervous. And to keep you in the here and now, I recommend some poo nappy changing.

Time to get a job before my youngest is potty-trained?

Allemagne - zero Points

Yesterday's papers: Germany's birth rate is one of the lowest in Europe. In particular educated women decide against having children, because the reality is: career or kids, not both.
Today's paper: Germany comes last of all OECD countries in gender equality for pay differences (22 percent) and pension differences (large fraction of female pensioner poverty). Key factor explaining these differences: women who leave the labour force to have children, or can only re-enter at low-paid part-time jobs.
What is this country doing to its women??? And what are the women in this country doing to themselves??

Equality Day

Did you know that today was (gender) equality Monday? Did you know that such a day even exists? Who took down the trash today? Who cooked? Who comforted the ill child in the night? Who bought supplies for the kids? Here, in our Berlin home, we have been once again been model parents in burden-sharing all tasks. But who earned all the money and paid the bills today? Who stayed at home because of an ill child? There's a long way to go for equality. The small things are key. The big things are still locked locks that require bigger, much bigger keys.

Trust in officials - post-shooting

To add to my last post, post-tragic and horrendous elementary school shooting in the US, an American neighbour of mine illustrated to the point what I don't understand: In the US, most people only feel safe with a gun. What would have saved those children? Another gun, in the hands of e.g. a teacher? I then read in Salman Rushdie's biography "Joseph Anton", how he declined shooting training and a gun for self-defense during his fatwa years and states the following: "if he owned a gun and the bad guys were to attack it would be taken from him and turned against him." Guns cause death, they rarely defend. I hope - but am hopeless - that US policy on this would change.

Trust - in officials

I come from a country (Finland) that is one of the least corrupt in the world. We are also one of the only nations who have a positive image of the police. Even in Germany, many people see the police as somehow fascist (maybe to some extent correctly, as there are connections to the neo-nazi scene and even the klu-klux-clan). In the past days, I have been appalled at some news on corruption from around the world. Yesterday, Argentine's courts found not guilty a gang of known forced prostituters (i.e. who kidnap and force people - mainly women and young girls - into prostitution). A mother who had lost her daughter (who herself had a two-year old) and had never found her lead this struggle on behalf of several hundred other cases. I sometimes think I am too naive for this world.

Tweet Tweet - There's a New World Out There

I am extremely slow to catch onto new technological developments. For example, I had never looked at a blog before starting one myself. I only joined Facebook years after it started. I have joined Skype only very recently, and for a work-related reason. I had never, ever thought I would join Twitter. But I did. Because some friends convinced me that it is an amazing source of information. And it is. I can't believe I didn't join earlier.

Tweet. Tweet.

Salary Expectations

Salary expectations are U-shaped along time among quite a few of my friends. Many of us started off after our studies thinking we'd work in rather high-paying consultancies or banks. We realized we want to do something different, and took some salary cuts into account. And ten years on, want to earn what we think is a fair salary. But what is fair? It's such a random issue, and there are so many factors that come into play. What do our partners earn? What do we want to earn? And right now, an issue I may face: what can I even ask for? What am I "worth"?

Work or Mom - And I Thought Germany is Backward

IMF's Christine Lagarde (whom I still find extremely cool) recently criticized Japan for pushing its highly-qualified women to stay home after giving birth. 70% of all women leave the workforce when they have children. And the 1 out of 4 that do return to work do not have it easy: they can only do so if grandparents are willing to take over childcare (as there is a huge shortage of kindergarten places), if their employers are willing to take them back (most are not, so nearly all working moms are employed by international companies), and as working hours and commutes are long, they rarely see their children during the week.

What a waste! Not only is Japan the fastest aging society, and nearing the pension cliff at a drastic pace (where the workforce will be unable to pay for pensions of the elder generation). But Japan could add 5 GDP points to its growth if more women would be able to work.

And here I am, in Germany, thinking this place is backward.

Any ideas for action? I today posted on Facebook Ghandi's quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world". How about that as a start?

Follow-Up on Hide Thy Kids

A snap-shot from my interview yesterday:

Q: "So, tell us something about yourself, something important that does not show up on your CV?"

Me thinking: Kids, kids, kids. Mother of three. Mother of three. My family life, my being, what makes me happy, what makes me a more balanced, inspired person.

I should have answered that. I didn't. Shame on me!

Hide Thy Children

I am today preparing for a job interview, trying to catch up on the substance as well as some upcoming events in my field (international HIV/AIDS development). But mostly, I am trying to ramp up my excitement and motivation for the interview.

Six weeks after I had my third child, I was told by my employer that I would not be able to return to work after my planned maternity leave. Because I was working as a contractor and didn't have a permanent contract, I had no leverage to argue against this decision. I was lucky to find some project work soon afterwards, and rejoin the field I had wanted to work in since specializing in it, so it all worked out for the best then.

However, my first reaction after this news was panic. I had a tiny baby, had just bought property and was moving two weeks later, and was utterly overwhelmed. I got in contact with a woman working in my field, who invited me to an interview. I was sleeping stretches of 1 - 1.5 hours, breastfeeding constantly throughout the day and night. I had to take my baby with me to the interview, because he was having a live-on-the-breast-phase. I interviewed with a baby on my breast - which was fine. But I was so exhausted, I would mid-way through my answers forget what the question had been. It was quite hilarious, actually. Surprisingly, I didn't get a job there...

Being a working mom means that these two worlds are very close, and sometimes are forced to mix. But right now, I am trying to build up the "worker" in me, and appear professional. I for the second time in my career have not mentioned my kids (the first time was to acquire my last project). I find this the saddest aspect of trying to get a job: I have to hide a side to myself that I am so proud of, that so determines who I am. But also "limits" my flexibility, dedication, and hours in practice from the perspective of a future employer. There's something that needs to happen here, in society, in the workplace. A "working mom" should be valued just as much as a "working dad".

All Men - and Many Women - Still Have a Long Way to Go

First of all, thank you so much for the feedback and comments on the blog. I appreciate it immensely! I am not surprised that some of my closest friends share many of the same opinions I do. I wonder about those who are critical about what I write. My views should not come as a surprise to my friends, though.

A friend of mine from Sweden agreed that I share part of an email she sent to me. It's incredibly insightful, and slightly depressing, so please read:

Found out today that another mum who had planned to go back to work in January isn't - because "it didn't work out with her husband's job". Of the 4 mums I've met who were going to go back to work in jan I'm now the only one going through with it. One has quit her job, one is going back in August and the other has just put it off by a month. Shows how hard it is to change behaviours even in a place like Sweden where all the support is in place to enable gender equality in the family... We had a discussion in my parent group today and I found it quite hard to argue the gender equality line when the people who are staying home most of the time say: "I can't believe nowadays people make you feel bad for wanting to stay home with your child" (and these are all women with full time jobs!) . Feels like the line - "In order to contribute towards greater income equality and overall gender equality in society we need to start splitting the care of our children more evenly - what about your husbands why aren't they staying home?" - isn't really going to hit home with those people. I guess I should've said something like - maybe it's good for the baby to spend some more time with his dad too? And vice versa for dad. - but didn't come up with that line at the time! Think I need to prepare my lines for the future cos I really do want to contribute to the debate and not just stay silent. What do you normally say when these discussions come up (or maybe they don't come up in Germany so much?!).

This is the same friend I mentioned in a blog a few months ago, who is indeed returning to work, and where the father is going on parental leave soon. Another friend's husband has just done the same in the US. A third in Cambodia. My husband took parental leave for a year after our second child was born, while I worked. Maybe it's happening to my closest circle of friends for a reason: we are close because we share the same values and ideals, and one of these is that fathers should be active parents, should allow for us to get our foot back in the work world (even if it comes at a price of their own careers), and we have married (or are partners) to these people because we expect them to want to have children in order to spend TIME with these children.

Who on Earth Wants to Work in an Office?

Sure, it has its upsides, such as interaction with colleagues (if they are nice, there, and you are on talking terms!). You may find out more information, or gossip (or waste your time listening to bad quality versions of both). But when there's not that much going on, the luxury to pop out to the hairdressers, read the newspaper (or as I did today, combine the two), get the groceries on the way back, email about school issues and craft school christmas party decorations with a good conscience, and without the fear of having your boss peep over your shoulder while doing so - it is worth a lot! Simply because, as those of us who have small kids know, you can forget doing all of this when your children are around, and you rarely have the energy or opportunity to get everything done in the evenings once the kids are asleep. Praised be the possibility to multi-task during working hours!

Mobile Devices - The Best Working Mom Accessory

Working freelance often means you work flexible, weird hours. Thanks to the internet, you also work in weird locations, and thanks to mobile devices, weird situations. I have had a horror week and weekend, with a project to do, an interview to prepare for and a) husband gone 6/7 days, b) toddler ill for the last 4. Thanks to my laptop and the iPad (I don't have a smart phone, but should if this continues), I have multitasked more than ever before these past days. Today, my son finally slept properly (the past days he just complained and I carried him around), and took full advantage of it. The problem is, he fell asleep on my arm. I was too worried to wake him up by laying him down, so I decided to alternate between preparing for tonight's interview and resting. The best of all worlds. I felt like I got my rest, was there for my sick son, and still caught up on developments at all relevant health organizations. Without my ipad, I would have done either/or, sacrificing my rest to sit at a computer, and risking that my son doesn't sleep at all - or resting myself, feeling anxious that I'm not prepared. My interview (first round) went well, thanks to those who helped and supported me!

My Spine - My Kids

After three days of carrying a sick toddler around, 12 hours, and sitting up next to his bed every five minutes, the other 12 hours, I declare my spine rather crooked.

When I travel for the weekend, my husband has a ball with the kids - outings, restaurants, cafes and all. And the one time he's away for the weekend, I have sleet, a toddler with 40 fever, and two girls to entertain. Oh, did I mention work to do in the evenings, which I didn't get done, because if you add up the 12 and 12, I didn't have even three minutes for myself during the past three days.

But nothing, nothing, nothing beats the feeling of having this warm, little creature sleep in my arms, because he feels bad but knows that I am there. And we had a blast nonetheless, with Christmas cake and cookies, cinnamon roles, dancing, singing and reading - and lots and lots of drawing and crafting.

Sometimes, when you just have to function - and not achieve - life is filled with simplicity and ease.

Overwhelmed - Emotionally and Physically

I have been slightly more computer-bound in the past days due to work than usual, although the benefits of working at home are to be able to whip up a gingerbread doe, do some grocery shopping and hang up the washing in between, and not have these tasks pile up for when the kids are home or when I want to relax once they're in bed. I'm not usually a huge consumer of computer news (I prefer a good old-fashioned newspaper most days), but as I have had some time while waiting for feedback on my work, I have used this time to swim around in the world of HIV/AIDS in preparation for my interview (Monday), and out of general interest (Note: swim, not sink!).

It has been an overwhelming experience. Not only is there an overload of information being published and broadcasted on the topic prior to World AIDS Day (tomorrow, 1 December), but it is at a time that tries to emotionalize between the "thanks" of thanksgiving and "giving" of Christmas. And it works, at least for me. The numbers are so abstract, so incomprehensible. But the story told e.g. by the South-African "ambassador" of the Elizabeth Glazer Foundation (which aims to eradicate mother-to-child HIV transmission, and at which I'm awfully proud to have a friend working) moved me to tears. A story about a life being HIV+, and losing a daughter and husband to the disease due to unavailable treatment at the time. But a story of hope, as she continues to live (thanks to available and affordable treatment), and has remarried and had two HIV- sons. (On the side, I am increasingly becoming a huge fan of Hilary Clinton, the more I see what she does on these topics such as health and women's rights - I am lagging behind a few friends here).

Sometimes, having a few external pieces fall into place at the right time (this short work project to prepare for the UNAIDS board meeting, this upcoming interview) can be so motivating, so energizing. I hope that I have the energy, intelligence - and luck - to be able to capitalize on this moment.

The Consulting Interview

Anyone who has interviewed with a consultancy knows these types of questions:

-List your five strengths
-List three weaknesses
-Give examples from your past jobs how you utilized / overcame situations related to the above.

These are horrible on-the-spot questions, but with experience, I've gathered quite a repertoire to answer. I'm now answering such questions again, not so much for my upcoming interview, but for a career coach whom I've decided to visit a couple of times.

It's strange to write lists of things you are good at, but don't want to do (Ms brilliant secretary!). It's also lovely to be able to openly voice things that you are not good at, which you would never say at an interview (for me to know, for you not to find out here in such a public space...).

And it's good to realize that I'm no longer starting from scratch. I've muddled through a lot with my career, but have also made very conscious decisions: left jobs and areas I don't like, left teams and colleagues I cannot work with, retrained myself in a field that interests me.

Do I know what I want to do? Yes.
Do I know how I want to do this, and how to get there? Watch this space. For a longish while...

Social Media - or is it Work Media?

How many of you use social media primarily for work? How many of you mix work and personal life, e.g. by sharing personal photos on Facebook also with work colleagues?

I've been giving this issue a bit of thought in the past days, as I was "forced" to sign up with Skype, because the person who wants to interview me for a job requested to do so via this medium (but thankfully switched to scheduling a phone interview after all). As most of you know, I am not a phone person, and will not use Skype for personal calls. I like face-to-face talks, I like writing - I dislike video.

What about Facebook? Here I mix. I primarily use it to share photos of the kids with my friends, but I've increasingly started using Facebook to find out about the work world. I'm slowly - only now - realizing that I need to do the same with Twitter - to be on the receiving end of information.

A few years ago, I "defriended" all my colleagues on Facebook. That is, those that I didn't get along with personally - and whom I felt uncomfortable sharing personal photos with. I had a LinkedIn profile as well for this latter category, but chose not to use this. Life is too short to work with people whom you don't like, if you can choose. Or at least they don't have to enter my cyberworld on top of being a pain in my "real" world, right?

I yesterday read an article (SZ Wirtschaft). It was on different types of bosses (very funny, actually - and I kept thinking that I fall under the category tyrant as a mom...), but one key message was that you should try to keep work relationships professional, and not mix these with your private life. I disagree with this so far, although objectively I guess this makes sense. Work world, private world. Work media, social media...    

If You Can't Do it Properly - Swim or Sink?

This current project I am working on is proving to be quite a logistical challenge. It's my own fault, as I should have started on it weeks prior to having my contract start "officially". I would have then realized that I need to get a proofreader and translator to help me "polish" (from a very rugged standard) my German texts. Well, I realized this all far too late, and it's causing lots of problems, as the only real "asset" I ever have at work the speed at which I deliver. I'm now facing lags of more than 24 hours in delivering minor passages. Not good.

I take my work very seriously, and having kids - and in addition this language challenge this time around - makes me realize that I'm increasingly disappointed in the quality of my work. I never used to have problems with deadlines, and whenever I did deliver, I was pretty satisfied with my results. I guess I'm just out of practice, and need to adjust to these slightly more demanding circumstances. I've been dabbling in the baby pool for too long, it's time to jump into the big pool and join the race properly... Swim or sink...

A Hectic Work Week - but for whom?

So, here I am, back at "work" - for 10 days. I am on a project for the German development agency, preparing the UNAIDS board meeting. It's interesting to dabble in the subject again (health policy), and for the first time in terms of substance (actual technical HIV/AIDS policy, not just the governance side that I have dealt with before, which means how organizations coordinate their work and are set up to deal with the issue).

I realized, though, that deciding to move has been the best decision of this year. Maybe after the one to visit lots of friends - actually definitely in that order. The thing is, this is my first real project in German. I've worked in German before, but have never had to write official papers (ministry-level) in German. Before deciding to move, I decided it's time to learn all the grammar perfectly, to "become" German. Especially with this work, I realize how far away I am from my comfort zone. How much I would have to invest into becoming anything decent professionally in this language. I am not willing to make this investment, and I am so relieved that I do not have to.

Praise to the husband who, on top of organizing my birthday feast, doing everything else, and working a lot on his own job, while traveling around for his job, spends five hours over the weekend to translate and/or correct my text. I have been receiving emails that they need a "slice" of him, or a for him to "train" their own partners. Hm, another "amazing" business idea? I'll take a nice commission, and accompany him as a spouse on training trips to visit friends...

Praise to the Husband

Praise to the husband, who has organized a birthday morning worthy of a queen. I have been pampered, luxuriously so. Thank you. Every woman deserves a husband like mine for birthdays. Think massive flower bouquet, Sacher-cake ordered from Vienna, beautiful presents galore, a thoughtfully written card, candles, singing. And he even organized a little monkey to dance for me when I woke up to all of this. And two little princesses.

Praise also to the husband who during the past weeks has tried his best to do even more than he usually does. Who has taken the kids to school and care on several mornings before rushing to work, who has brought up the paper for me before doing so, who has even taken down the trash before doing all of this. Who volunteers to sleep on the mattress next to our youngest's bed, as we are sleep training him to sleep outside of our bedroom, so that I can sleep properly. Who makes sure he mentions that he has read my blog.

I'm not an easy person to live with. I have demands that are too high. I am very grumpy when tired, and before I have my morning coffee. I'm often tired. I often can't get enough coffee.

I wish I could be more grateful.

Yes I Can!

As my "Yes You Can - Again" hopes have been fulfilled with the election of President Obama, it's time to divert some positive hoping into myself and my own ambitions.

Yesterday's newspaper (Sueddeutsche) had a great article on how working mothers are more burned out than previous generations, because expectations to master multiple roles have risen tremendously, but reality and society have not adjusted to create a supportive framework for women. Women continue to do most of the work in the household and child care, on top of trying to get ahead with their careers. But what about those of us who would like to be burned out not only from one end (family), but also from the other (work)?

During the past months, I have felt like a caged tiger, frustrated with my situation with (lack of) work, feeling weighed down by household tasks. My feelings have ranged somewhere between worthlessness and hopelessness. After deciding that we will soon move to a more favorable work environment, I have felt less anxious. And having started on a bit of project work again (for the German development agency), I today feel happier than in months. Furthermore, I am preparing for an interview for next week.

The reality of being a working mom is tough. One has a severely restricted amount of hours to do one's work, and one never knows which of the kids will fall ill and when. There's dressing, shopping, cooking, playing, putting to sleep - and back to sleep, etc.

But the amount of self-worth, energy and motivation that having a "job" gives - the amount of counter-balance to this "job called parenting" - is indescribable.

Yes I can! (A day at a time, and hopefully for many days to come still).

And yes, there's always enough time to blog. :)

How Politics Can Ruin Friendships

Everyone holds political opinions. Some of us are more vocal about them. Others keep quiet publicly, because politics is always divisive. Not everyone will share your opinion, be it on abortion, religious freedoms, womens' rights, or national self-determination. Even your closest friends may not share your opinions. Silence can save a friendship, open discussion may rip it apart. Was it in the latter case then real friendship? Can one be friends if one's fundamental principles are not in line? In theory, why not? In practice, I'm not sure. These days, with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, I am reminded of a friendship that broke because of politics. Because I was unable to tolerate intolerance. Because I was so fundamentally shocked by the one-sidedness in this conflict, the view of righteousness. There are always two sides, there are always two stories. There may be evil, but there is also a cause to evil deeds, a history behind it. There are innocent children born into this history. There is always a chance to start afresh. To move ahead. To compromise, and to learn tolerance. To believe in a future.

Movie Ad: Lars von Trier's Melancholia

What I love equally much or even a tad bit more than reading a brilliant book is watching a great movie. (I'm currently reading Dave Egger's Zeitoun, about Hurricane Katrina, which is a good read, but far from brilliant - wonder whether my friend J has read and liked this one).

Some of the most powerful childhood memories I have are of watching movies. I guess my parents were rather lax on age control, but before the age of 9, my favorites included "The Last Emperor", "Ghandi", and "Passage to India".

Thanks to the internet, the three small but important reasons that keep me at home many evenings do not keep me from watching great movies (mainly catching up on ones I have missed in the past decade). My latest find was Lars von Trier's Melancholia. I've watched several of his films, although I'm not sure whether I'm ready for the Antichrist (Any tips? Is it very heavy or too brutal?). Melancholia was strange, but very powerful. The main theme is fear of life vs. fear of death.

The pile of books I plan to read keeps growing (next waiting on my desk: Rushdie's biography Joseph Anton), as does the stock of movies I want to watch (next: Haneke's Das Schloss). What a luxury, to have such choices to make!

Stop this Craziness

In 2000, when I started my first masters (in international relations at the LSE), the second infitada started between the Israelis and Palestinians. It was the first time I felt seriously disturbed and slightly obsessed with following a political situation. The current rise in tensions - bombings and very sad death tolls included - reminds me of this feeling, although this time around I also feel that the situation is hopeless and that the stalemate will simply continue.

There is so much poverty, so much hopelessness in Gaza. There is hate. And there is so much fear - and hate - in Israel. I don't believe that it is intrinsic to the people (individual), to the peoples (Israeli/Palestian), or to the religions (Jewish/Muslim). I don't believe that it is an inevitable conclusion to history. Silly, naive or idealistic as it may be, these days when Conductor/Pianist Daniel Baremboim, who tours the world with his Israeli-Palestinian orchestra, turns 70 and this "success story" is constantly being told, there should be hope. But the situation as it currently stands - with separation, segregation, lack of access to development, basic structures, leading to lack of hope - this is simply crazy.

This region needs so much tolerance. So much hope. This current craziness must end.

 

My Friends, My Winners

Here are two more quotes from the book "Back on the Career Track".

The first is dedicated to you-know-who-you-are:

"Surround yourself with winners - with people who you want to become or be like. This doesn't mean only people who are accomplished in material ways, but also those with an approach to life or moral values consistent with yours or worth emulating". Yes, I do mean you, my friends - my winners.

The second is dedicated to a broader group (of women), but also to the above (there's always room for improvement, dears, and many of you will have a good laugh here):

"Give your mind high-quality 'nutrition'. Pay attention to what you read, what you watch on TV, and what you listen to on the radio. Improve the quality of these inputs whenever possible." (both p.33)

(Getting) Back on the Career Track - Main Motivation

The book I mentioned a few posts ago has turned out to be great. So far, "Back on the career track" has covered reasons for wanting to go back to work, insecurities, getting back to pace on the topic, networking, and types of work (full-/part-time, consulting, etc). This is all common-sense stuff, and confirms my own analysis and thoughts of the past months. I'm now just starting on my main "challenge", where I feel most uncertain, which is "support" for the family, i.e. care options and needs for the kids. Although all three of mine are at school / kindergarden, I do not want them to stay  there for the maximum time possible, which is incredibly generous and long in our case (but we pay a lot for this!): from 8 am to 6 pm. More on what I "learn" from these upcoming chapters later, but the starting paragraph hit the point so well, I will quote it here: "'Mom' my children would tell me when I came home, 'you're so much less stressed now that you're working.' In the evening, I was energetic and thrilled to spend time with them...I began to wonder if it wasn't better for them to have an enthusiastic mom in a great mood on evenings and weekends, instead of a stressed-out, not-so-happy mom full-time. My husband had similiar thoughts." (p.139)

Praise and Work

Being in our school's parents' association is a nice pilot phase for work. There are lots of egos, little skill, a great deal of inefficiency, and little thanks. Of course an ideal job would work differently, but these are all factors that remind me of past work experiences I have had at some time or another. It's a decent bunch, and I'm sure we're all working towards the same, valuable goal, which is to make our kids' education better. Did I say "working"? I meant, sitting around every two months in a talk shop for two hours. The preparation, follow up, initiative, organizing, e-mailing, etc is all done by one person currently: yours truly. We are a team of three, heading the parent group, but one person has contributed "ok" to any proposals (better than "no", or?);  the other responds with silence. Which is fine, because I don't mind working alone, and have time for these tasks. But the funny thing is that, at a meeting yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea for us to alternate chairing meetings, and asked one of my colleauges to do the first round. She did a good job, and got a lot of thanks and praise for all the work she has done. Did I say "she"? Did she agree, or thank her colleauges, or divert the praise to the sole source of action? Of course not. She smiled, full of positive feedback, and left the room. This is a good reminder about management skills for those of you managing your staff...

Parenting Tasks - Three Kids, Too Much

At some point during the summer, I wrote about different types of parents. There are the fun ones, the  inspiring ones, and the organizers, the latter category to which I belong. Parenting to me is cuddles and love, but the reality of it is that I am a "chauffeur-cleaner-cook-nail studio-dry cleaner-button sewer-play date organizer", plus for my youngest also a "diaper changer-carrier-bather". These tasks are exhausting, and often very unrewarding (who dares to differ on diaper changes for 6.5 years?). I love moments such as reading for my kids, playing outside with autumn leaves, or watching them draw. But most days, errands and tasks drown me, exhaust me, and take away all my energy and time. It's a difficult balance, and one that my husband - and many other dads I hear about - deal with differently. They have a party, to the horror of the mom who comes home to a full laundry basket, empty fridge, and witch-length nails. I'm not sleeping well due to my youngest (tonight he is being moved away from our bedroom and also bed, as it has gotten to that point past the line of sanity). I'm very tired. I'm not being a very nice person nor parent today.

Jetzt - Now - But it's more complicated...

I had a lovely, delicious, fun and inspiring - and relaxing (kid-free) - weekend in Geneva with four lovely friends. Again and again and again, I am blessed to know such kind, interesting and fun people.

I returned to Berlin to continue to think about my next (career) steps, and (again) realized that it's all so complicated when one is not under immense financial pressure to take the next job and just muddle through. To underscore this realization, today's newspaper (Sueddeutsche) has a supplement (Jetzt - Now) that covers work-life balance. It deals with fundamental questions such as do we work to live (outside of work)? Or do we live to work? It has articles on why part-time work doesn't function in practice (because most part-timers simply cover their full-time jobs in less time - and for significantly less pay, get side-lined in all decision-making, plus have new non-paid jobs such as caring for children or elderly on top of that).

Over-analysis kills every topic. I don't really think that I'll ever be able to solve these problems analytically, not generally - nor even just for myself. There are too many factors, variables, uncertainties. Sure, one can be aware of all of these, and in times when one has time to think and analyze, one may realize things that one doesn't have time to notice when in the midst of the career rat-race. One may have time to go about things "strategically", as my book recommends (see past posts).

But I think it's a bit like making the decision to have (more) kids: There are so many pros and cons, so many factors that are in favor of having them now, later, never, constantly. And at the end of the day, I believe one should just listen to one's gut, forget all the analysis, and once it's done, it's done.

Maybe this is what I should do with my career and next job. Just see an ad and respond to it with my gut instinct, or send out an application to somewhere that inspires me. And stop being so analytical, strategic and analytical. (By the way, I just recently did this. We'll see where it leads me.)

Living Without a Vote

Today, German parliament passed the "hearth premium" that I have written about a couple of times, which grants a monthly payment to parents that do not send their children to kindergarden. The idea is from the centre-right christian democrat party (CDU), which Chancellor Merkel belongs to. I find the bill appalling, and in today's paper (Sueddeutsche) read yet another argument against it: a backlash to integration. Germany has a large immigrant population, much of which lives in "ghettos", and the children of which face significant hurdles in their education, because many of them do not speak German by the time they start first grade. Early childhood education is key to ensuring that they have the correct skill-set and opportunities for their education, and do not face being "downgraded" in the German school system to a lower-tired school level just after four/five years.

Germany has general elections in fall 2013, and the social democrat Chancellor candidate (former finance minister Peer Steinbrück) has stated that he would immediately scrap this hearth premium if elected. He has my vote! Or would, just as Barack Obama would have, if I were entitled to vote.

I love my Finnish nationality. But knowing that I will probably never return their permanently makes me feel disenfranchised. Of course there are so many ways to be politically active beyond voting (think Obama's statement: the work only starts with the vote...), but in a democracy, no vote = no decision-making power. Lobbying to influence other people's decisions is one thing, being able to make a decision yourself is another.

p.s. The career-relaunch book I wrote about a few posts ago is turning out to be a great read. More on that later.

Small Moments II - Beauty of Clothes

Anyone who knows me, knows that dressing up is not one of my pastimes. I have a set of H&M v-neck shirts, cardigans and jeans that lasts me a couple of years, and then gets replaced by the next set. I don't often pay attention to what other people are wearing, am completely ignorant of fads and fashion, and probably find women's magazines rather boring for one reason: they are full of clothing.

This doesn't mean that I don't find some clothes beautiful. Clothes can be like art. But for some reason, I see a point in investing in a painting, but not in a jacket or dress.

In Berlin-Mitte, where we live, we are surrounded by small boutiques. I have never been inside any of them, but enjoy walking past. Two in particular make me wish I could get married again - and make me hope that my daughters may one day - although someone else could foot the bill for these dresses.

Ha Duong is a Vietnamese designer, who makes the most beautiful silk, "draped" dresses.
www.ha-duong.com

And Kaviar Gauche, right opposite our flat, is just very cool (in particular their bridal collections).
www.kaviargauche.com

I just wanted to put those two links out there, just in case...a couple of my friends still need to get married, if not for any other reason, for the party's and dresses sake!

Public Love

What struck me - somewhere between admiration and a cringe - during all of these presidential race speeches were the candidate's declarations of love for their wives. Perhaps it's all election strategy and necessity - think French Sarkozy with his pre-Bruni wife, who campaigned with her while actually in the midst of a divorce. But can one come across authentic with such declarations if they are not meant? Even for such political professionals as Obama and Romney, I doubt it. So I'm a big fan. I frequently do the same, although I am still waiting for my invitation to speak at the Demcratic convention. My husband would never even think of it - even though I think I'd deserve it. Love is such a beautiful thing, why hide it? I hope everyone could live this out, without any fear. Here I'm thinking of Obama's last phrase, "no matter whether straight or gay". Such an important ending to his wonderful speech (watch it!), I felt like declaring from Berlin "Ick bin ein Amerikaner"!

Politics With Children

I have never been a huge fan of people taking their kids with to campaign or demonstrate. I'm also all in favor of providing opportunities for kids to think for themselves, and to make their own choices. My own parents raised me in a very apolitical way (I still do not really know where they stand politically, although I know many of their principles).

My kids had problems falling asleep last night, because they were so excited about the US election result. Because I was, and it catches. My kids today painted little American flags in celebration of Obama's victory, and wore them on their t-shirts. My idea. My eldest (6) has been fully brainwashed to think that Obama is for making the life of poor people better, and Romney wanted to keep rich people rich.

Is it a balanced, informed and independent view that they hold? At the ages of 6.5 and 4.5 (the 1.5 year old does not yet voice any political views). Of course not. It is brainwashing pure by us. Mainly because we have followed the election so closely ourselves, and have talked about it a lot, and don't see a reason to hide this from the kids. It's fascinating stuff!

What is scary is how easily these young kids accept our opinions, catch onto our political passion. Sure, they may and will rebel when they get older. But it makes me think about those kids who get raised in right-wing extremist surroundings. Or any radical surroundings.

Am I being a tolerant parent?

Small Moments - Beauty of Coffee

There are many beautiful things in the world - the main ones for me being family, friends, and nature. I am not a very material person, but certain objects simply make me happy. One is my morning coffee cup. I bought a set of large latte or tea cups from the Finnish (my nationality) design shop iittala (www.iittala.com) when I started a job a few years back that I was really happy to have gotten. The set "Taika" means "magic" in Finnish. The two small ones are from the same store, but by Finnish Arabia (www.arabia.fi), to celebrate Helsinki being the "design capital 2012" (you didn't notice...?). I love these cups, and I love these morning moments.

It's Not Work-Life but Work-Illness Balance

And here we go again. Since starting kindergarden two months ago, my youngest has had his first four (!) stomach flus. He has two older siblings and has had a lot of contact with other kids before, plus I am far from set on over-hygiene. Since September, nearly all of us have caught some of these bugs, at times consecutively, at times together. This means that out of three kids, I have had only a few days where everyone is at care / school at the same time. Work-life or work-family balance is, at the end of the day, work-illness balance. There are always ways to plan for vacations, for extra events at school, for a moment off for your kids. Planning for sudden stomach flus that come and go, wipe our one or all, is impossible. I'm tired and fed up. I know it's a short phase, but please, enough now...

(Getting) Back on the Career Track

A while before I knew we would be moving away from Berlin, I got in touch with a career counsellor   who specializes in the international field and advises students and alumni from my Berlin university. I hadn't used her services before, but thought I'd give it a try now. I'm only meeting her for the first time tomorrow, and my primary questions were on 1) building up a new network as effectively as possible once I move, and 2) work - family balance (i.e. a family and full-time working husband compatible interesting, challenging and well-paying job - yes, you may now laugh). When we talked on the phone and I raised these two topics, the councellor recommended I read a book that was published a few years ago by two Ivy-league graduates and moms. Fresh, second-hand from Texas (for two euros), I am going to give my first ever "life advice" book a try: "Back on the career track". Let's see...

Best Friends - Best Inspiration

Yes, this is yet another post about how I have such amazing friends. But having friends that are truly inspiring is worth celebrating, every day. In Finland, valentine's day is celebrated as friendship day. I'm sure there's a day dedicated to this in the global calendar as well, but I sure have lost any overview with forty different causes for each day. In any case, I just read an email from one of my best friends, whom I have written letters and emails with for two decades, often daily. She is one of the most caring, insightful friends in the world, and such a source of inspiration to me. We are currently both taking care of the kids for most of our day, with husbands that are wonderfully caring dads, but who have busy jobs. My friend wrote about returning to work soon, and how she actually loves being with her kids, despite the unglamorous aspects and moments. I fully agree, and once (and if) I have the cahnce to return to a job, I will agree even more. It is a blessing to have had this time, and although it is so, so, so awfully strenuous (I find), it offers moments that very few jobs could. I just wish coffee would work better wonders, and that I could appreciate the good parts in the here and now more. Cake for all of my friends, you are worth infinity to me.

Each Child is Like a Box of Chocolates

To paraphrase Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, it never ceases to amaze me how children surprise us each and every day. Most days are rather repetitive, although the routines and interests change every now and then. But every day, and each child, offers some incredible moment, in the form of a question, comment, or other development. For example, my girls (nearly 5 and 6 1/2) amaze me nearly every day with their drawings. And my son (my youngest, 1 3/4) is in an absolutely fascinating (at least for me) phase (which I dont recall the girls having gone through), which is that he needs to think about or "talk" and "hear" about where everyone in our family (of 5) is. He starts this most mornings, asking (loud enough for all of us to wake up) where his siblings are (he calls them by name). And just now, putting him to bed (we alternate each night and tonight was my turn with him), he went hysterical, listing everyone's name, going on some kind of overdrive, trying to position everyone. It's pretty powerful, having someone sob and shout through snot and tears all of our names, again and again and again. Family.

How the "Rest of the World" Fades

There are two ways to be in complete oblivion as to what is happening in the world.

One: travel with small kids. It's difficult to keep up-to-date on news when you're trying to keep a small toddler entertained on a flight, and when you collapse into your hotel bed after a day of trekking (in our case in a city over the past three days).

Two: kids' kindergarden and school vacation. I'm currently in this for a week for autumn break, and I can forget sitting down with the newspaper for more than half an article, or spending any real time online, other than to play the Cars movie trailer for the hundredth time (two-minute trailers are a nice length for toddlers, I find - and note that I do NOT play it hundred times consecutively...).

I'm tired. I am happy if I have showered and managed to check my email. I have absolutely no idea what is happening in the world.

Berlin Book Idea

As anyone who has been to Berlin knows, the city is an eternal construction site. Especially the central district, Mitte (where we live), is filled with cranes - and drilling noise. Nothing like Shanghai, but for European standards, it's rather hectic. Where our (new) house stands, there was a parking lot for decades. In front of us, an old rather derelict building was torn down a few years ago, and new flats are nearly finished. Behind us, another parking lot has disappeared and a house is being built. The same applies to three houses to our right and left. And this is all pretty much as central as one can get.

Most of Mitte used to be Eastern Germany. After the second world war, during which Berlin was heavily bombed, Eastern Germans did not rebuild many of the bombed houses, but constructed new large housing developments further East. Parking lots took over for decades, and many large buildings, such as the Berlin "Palace"(a massive construction) were blown up. The "death zone", between East and West, was a kilometer-wide zone that ran smack through Mitte (and other districts), and is only now slowly being reconstructed (including a reconstruction of the palace).

I have a 1.5-year old son, and as with many boys (and girls) at this age, anything to do with construction work is the biggest hit. We take hours to cross a block here, because we (have to) look at the cranes, diggers, drilling. It is eye-opening for an adult to take time to focus on how much construction work is actually taking place, and at what speed an area can change.

As I am not quite as excited about cranes and diggers as my sun is, I often stare at what surrounds the construction site. Large graffiti walls, various monuments, my beloved Eastern TV-tower (with a large silver ball at its tip). During these moments, I wish I had my camera there with me, to capture these two worlds. The "construction work below", and the "Berlin sights above". It doesn't hurt that we have been blessed with sunshine here, months on end.

During these moments, the thought of leaving this city that I have so deeply fallen in love with feels difficult.

Hyper-Organizer

Before three small kids joined our life and home, my life was pretty organized. As was our home. I've had to let things slip slightly, because as anyone with kids knows, order is not their highest priority, and unless you want to go mad, it's best to just let be once in a while. I still spend a great deal of time telling the kids to put things back into their places (the girls are pretty good at this, but need prodding), and doing the eternal pile-sorting that moms do (or give up on). I don't like accumulating "stuff", so I feel like I'm constantly giving things away to friends or charity.

The problem with an upcoming move is that I go into "sorting overdrive". It's still a long time off (next summer), but everywhere I look in our home, I see things that need to "go" before we leave. Books, CDs, picture frames, some furniture. I have this mental to-do-list of who may want what, and what needs to be put on ebay or donated. After the last move (1.5 years ago, literally just down the street), I try not to keep paper or electronic to-do-lists anymore. My youngest was 2 months old then, and I had him glued to my breast and a folder of to-do-lists by my side day and night. It was a bit much.

Most people would just pack up and leave, think about it a few weeks before, and say "whatever, let's just sort in the new home, if at all". I admire that ability to relax, ignore to-do-lists, and just be.

Ps Thanks for all who have sent emails and commented on my last post on donating to charity. I saw a great ad for Doctors without Borders, I think that might be this year's destination. 100 million, anyone?

A Good Cause - 100 million by any chance?

Every year, I donate to a charity before Christmas, as many people do. I have tried to get my family to do this instead of buying (always far too many) presents, but have failed. I today read that an individual had donated UsD 100 million to New York's Central Park. There's a billionaires club, of which I think Gates and Buffet are party, trying to encourage others with similiar means to use half of their assets for a worthy cause. It's often more (or entirely) symbolic at my income level, but I find it important to think about those not as priviledged as us, with a practical contribution, at least this one time a year. I'd be happy to receive suggestions for this year's cause. Inspire me with a link or organization to look into. (Apologies for festive season thoughts two months ahead of the time. The UsD 100 million donation just made me think of this.)

Bayonets vs Binders, Obama Romney Final Debate

From a shocking first debate (due to Obama's unexpectedly poor performance) to a relieving second debate (which I found rather balanced in terms of the candidate's performance, but at least Obama was back on track), via a entertaining interlude (Biden-Ryan), the third and final debate between Obama and Romney was, well, rather bland. The candidates were clearly tired. The messaging was repetitive (fair enough, it strategically should be). And the topic of foreign policy was, well, as a friend on Facebook posted, dealt with at around Wikipedia level.

I'm a foreign policy person. I studied international relations, and have worked in security studies and international development for most of my career. I know that diplomacy involves subtle, detailed nuances that can make a world (or a war) of a difference. I know that the Middle East is one of the most complex, long-term political, religious and military muddles possible.

But I felt that both candidates radiated a "why on earth do we need to bother" aura on this topic. They both tried to draw a connection to what US voters are likely to vote on - their economy. During the last ten minutes of the (1.5 hour) debate, foreign policy was dropped from the agenda. It felt like they were in their exhaustion trying to make sure that the memorized list of countries to mention would include all the important, relevant, and even exotic ones.

The press focused on Obama's statement about "bayonets and horses", just as after the last debate, they picked up on Romney's "binders full of women". Will these be the statements that the election campaign will be remembered by? Where was the message, where was the mission, where were those ideals?

Maybe I'm also tired after all of these debates. It's time to vote. Here is my symbolic vote for Obama.

 

Female Factor - The New York Times Analysis

A weekly benefit of my daily (German) newspaper is that I receive a short supplement (in English) from the New York Times. I'm a big fan of the NYT. Unfortunately, the main target group of this supplement appears to be "women", and with "women" I mean those interested in reading about how new fashions come about, how life is as a single woman, how people get married in different countries, etc. Women's magazine stuff, in other words. I'm disappointed each week.

There's nothing wrong with women's magazines if you like them. From one of my earliest posts you may know that I don't. I think I said something along the lines that most of them are, for me, "mind numbing". They encourage too much naval grazing ("I should think about my nail polish color"), or comparing people based on strange factors ("that hairdo was so last season"). Sure, I admit, there's an occasional serious and inspiring article once in a while, and sometimes it's fine to just let your (and my) brain wind down to zero by flipping through 150 pages in five minutes.

In any case, the NYT has a special feature called "Female Factor", which "examines the most recent shifts in women's power...around the world". Exciting stuff, except that we learn about the Ethiopian shoe designer and Berlin vintage fashion blogger. Is it surprising that the latter article then states that "there are no comparable high-profile figures like...Sheryl Sandberg (Facebook)"?

Come on, NYT, there must be some more inspiring, interesting females out there in the world. I can send you a list of a dozen just from among my friends. (They may flip through the occasional women's magazine as well, but oh boy can they do a lot more!).

More Kids - More Noise

Having three small kids often means that it gets quite noisy around our house. They're not rowdy (most of the time), but are simply children, and hence make noise. Having friends with many kids over makes things go over some magical threshold for me. I feel like I can't hear my own thoughts. Forget trying to make conversation. What I try to do is to encourage the kids to go and play in the children's room. But anyone who has small kids knows that they won't stay there for long. I'm not a fan of using a video for babysitting, nor constantly pre-organizing "quiet" activities. I believe that especially at home, kids should let their imagination roam - and learn how to deal with "boredom".

But during any larger party that we organize, I at some point reach a point where I wish I could just forget all taboos, common sense and proper behavior and shout: "All kids silent, for an hour at least!" I could imagine less polite phrases here as well.

Kids are wonderful. Friends are wonderful. But lots of kids and lots of friends means a lot of noise (on the part of the kids) and very little conversation (on part of the parents).

My favorite mantra that makes everything find: It's a phase. It's a phase. It's a phase...

Empathy and Consolation

Dreadful things happen in the world and to people all the time. I have been blessed to have friends and family who are relatively healthy and lucky in life.

A friend of mine a while back sent to me a blog entry from a friend of hers. I do not personally know the author, but she is an incredibly talented and intelligent writer. In the post I was sent, she was trying to come to terms with a friends' loss of twins at a very late stage in pregnancy. To make the chain even longer, in this post, she shared what her father had said about this loss. It was a beautiful text, full of emotion and good sense, and made me (along with probably any other person who read the post) cry.

It's so difficult to console someone who has lost a baby, a relative, or a friend. It's so difficult to find the right words, but not remain silent. I am currently going through this with an aunt who means a lot to me, who is watching her husband suffer from an incurable and probably late-stage cancer.

Sometimes, I am only able to say that these people are in my thoughts, and that I wish all the best for them. It's so insufficient, but I hope that part of my empathy and wish to send energy goes through.

Having Kids - Dealing with New Fears

Any parent will know that once you become pregnant and have a child, a "fear switch" is activated. There are, of course, different degrees to how strongly a parent feels this fear, but I am sure that for evolutionary reasons, every parent has this. We want our children to be safe, survive, stay healthy, and be balanced, happy people.

Media coverage of child abuse, abductions, etc does not make being a parent easy. Perhaps I have a wild imagination, but at the back of my mind, I always say a prayer for my kids (and all kids, actually) that they get through their childhood (and life) without having to experience any such horrors.

I'm not obsessed with reading gruesome reports on what some children in the world have to go through, but it's often in your face, and I don't want to close my eyes to these horrors either. I cannot imagine how it feels for a child, or a parent, who have experienced horrible ordeals. After every news report in this direction, I pick up my own children, and ask myself how on earth anyone could harm such wonderful little beings.

A prayer to all children in this world, those harmed and those who will hopefully go through childhood safely.

The other side of the coin of fear is immense gratitude.

ps. On a lighter note: as a brief follow-up from yesterday's post on political satire, Obama and Romney tried (and succeeded in) some comedy at a charity dinner last night (http://news.yahoo.com/locked-tight-race-obama-romney-trade-jokes-dinner-031014236--sector.html).

Political Comedy

People get their kicks and laughs from the strangest sources. We, both being political scientists, love ending a strenuous day by watching some very silly political satire shows.

Poltico (www.politico.com) has a great daily video summary on the US elections, drawn from the evening's late night shows. It's pretty basic, but these shows all seem to be rather slap-stick.

In Germany, when I used to watch more TV (I stopped 1.5 years ago when we moved flats, and feel much happier this way), we regularly used to watch the Heute Show, which parodies German politics. I felt rather rooted here when I realized I truly found this funny.

Social media and in particular Youtube is full of this stuff. I haven't quite befriended any unedited versions that someone hasn't already sifted through. There's just too much out there that is plain stupid.

Humor is such an important aspect in life. Even in politics.

Will the Alpha Factor Decide the US Election?

What wonderfully biased questions from the second debate (town hall) for Obama. And cheers where none were allowed (responding to whether Obama had called the Libyan attack terrorism, which Romney kept insisting he didn't, and the moderator in the end stopped dead by saying he did), which shows that the audience was against Romney. Romney was again great, but so was Obama this time around (phew, after last time's rather catastrophic performance). But...

Romney has a clear "message" for the economy: jobs. He's banking on this one to win the election. Romney is also seriously alpha in comparison to Obama. In the first half, he does it in a polite way, though: tough but not insulting, persistent but not aggressive. He may be completely inconsistent compared to his primary statements, but based on these two debates, he is running a great economic sales pitch (whether I personally agree if it what he truly believes or will do is irrelevant).

Obama's economic message is unfortunately confused. On energy, Romney was right to point out that no-one will believe Obama is an oil-coal guy. And his dual strategy pitch with renewables will just anger environmentalists. His mere body-language, unsure whether to sit or stand, whether to attack or remain politely quiet, backfires in comparison to Romney's confidence. On politics, the tables turn. But will politics make the election? I doubt it, not in these times of economic crisis.

I truly and honestly believe that Obama is the better presidential candidate. That he is, with his style, a better leader. Who needs another gung-ho alpha leader in the world? Especially with the policies that Romney favors.

Will the alpha factor decide the election?

Don't Lie

The principles and values I find most important in life are trust and sincerity. I believe that whatever you do in life, you have to stand up for it. Otherwise, how can anyone know who you are? How can you yourself remember who you are, if you are caught up in a web of lies?

Of course such extreme views need to be qualified. Not all people in the world are safe if they "come out", be it in terms of their sexuality, political views, religion or other. Think of Pakistani 14-year old Malala Yousufzai, who is fighting for her life after being wounded by Taliban for her attempt to publicly stand for what she believes in. And life is not always black and white: one's own views, thoughts and desired may be contradictory, subject to change, or unclear. There may, in other words, be reasons to "lie", be they circumstantial (e.g. threats to safety) or subconscious (one simply isn't aware what is "true").

It requires courage and strength to remain honest in many situations. One can see this with one's children. It doesn't come easy for them to admit to having done something that they know is wrong.

But at the end of the day, I believe that lies are a trap. One gets caught in them sooner or later. Be it in private life, at work, or elsewhere. Is it worth it to take the risk to undermine other people's trust in you? People are forgiving creatures, but trust is a very frail construct. I personally believe that once it breaks, it is very difficult to mend.

Impatience

Most things that I want to do, I want to do now, immediately, and preferably five minutes ago. I am an awfully impatient person.

The problem is that the world doesn't often work the way and at the speed I would want it to. My kids don't brush their teeth when I tell them to, but twenty minutes later, and after having been told seventy times. My boss at work would not finish editing my proposal that evening, but after a week. My colleagues in the school association do not immediately respond to simple requests, but, um, never.

I see this phenomenon with my eldest daughter as well. And it is like having a mirror held up to oneself: you are not the centre of the universe. Other people have their own lives, be it games to play, work do to, or things to take care of. Their priorities are not always in line with yours. They may not agree with what you are asking of them, nor may they like the way you are asking.

And so, very little of what I want to get done gets done, if I do not:

1) Just do it all myself. I'm not the best team player, but work better on my own for this reason.

2) Use leverage. This may work with (small) kids and people with whom you have some way to influence their behavior. It's useless with most people.

3) Be strategic. I'm awfully, awfully bad at this one. It's like me and chess. I like just going with my gut feeling (and that is impatient, usually direct, and not always very diplomatic), and not planning thirty steps ahead.

As with chess, I usually lose. Unless it is just me, myself and I. We work at the same pace, have the same expectations, and don't do diplomacy.

Competitiveness and Power Struggles

I had a lovely walk and talk with a friend of mine yesterday. Among other, we discussed why our society is so fragmented and competitive, whereas both of us agreed that people should cooperate and share more...

It really is strange how competitive people can become in the strangest of circumstances. Take my field of work: development. There are thousands of organizations in the field, many competing against each other, and diverting so much energy from working towards the common good, which one would expect them to have as their primary goal. Even within these organizations, there are frequently ruthless power struggles. Information is not shared with the most obvious useful contacts. Backstabbing is common. This happens also in NGOs, or fully voluntary organizations.

I admit that I have been fairly lazy in terms of voluntary work in my life. I was active in a couple of organizations during my university time, but more on the sidelines. I was elected onto a university alumni council twice, which with just even five members was a surprisingly frustrating, divisive experience. I'm now experiencing the same with our school's parents association. In an attempt to work for the common good, and to move things forward (quickly), I'm getting a lot of criticism, and so far, not a single thank you.

What are the motivations of people volunteering for such fora, or working for these organizations, I have often asked myself. And why do I take these things so personally? Like I told my friend yesterday during our walk, I often feel like I am just too naive for these sectors in life. For me it is so obvious that information should be shared, if it is not classified or harmful to share. It is so obvious that everyone can contribute to a common goal, and that one person's contribution does not mean another person's loss in these fields of work.

Why can people not be motivated by oneanother's energy and effort?

Save Affirmative Action in Education!

The US Supreme Court is currently deciding on the future of affirmative action in America. Most people around the world know about US affirmative action in education, and some (including my fellow students from a university law course) will know about its beginnings in the 1950s with the court case "Brown vs Board of Education". Abigail Fisher, a white Texan who wanted to study in her home state university, recently took the case to court following a rejection, on what she (or her lawyers) argued was a constitutionally unfair result following a university's attempt to fulfill race quotas.

I find this affirmative action case worrying for two reasons. First, take a stroll on Harvard square, as I did last week. 95 % of students are white. 4 % are Asian. There may be one or two black people. I'm sure the statistic is slightly more favorable on paper, but this was my impression. A professor at Harvard told me that the case is even more striking among professors. Out of 200 professors in his school, only one is black. (Very few are women).

Second, I think the case illustrates our current times. Professors and teachers are becoming open about their criticism to the "problems of heterogeneity". Just two days ago, I had to listen to our children's' international school's management sight about "those people who do not understand our language". And they are saying this to me, a foreigner here in Germany!

Does this mean that affirmative action has been a failure? No, it means that university's and school's find loopholes to select their preferred candidates. Was it Yale or Princeton that introduced personal interviews after WWII to ensure that Jewish students are practically banned from selection? It's hypocritical PR to select one black and Asian student to ensure that photo-ops present a "ethnically heterogeneous" student body, and behind their backs bicker about "cultural problem cases".

The root causes of racial inequality in education go much deeper than university admissions. But to give up "up" here at the university level is worrying, especially as the education levels below, with school busing and vouchers and whatnot is an utter mess.

Applications

Over the past 15 years, I have written dozens of university applications (bachelor, master, PhD) and hundreds of job applications. I have been lucky with some, and unlucky with many more. An accepted application opens new doors, and defines the direction our lives take for the next year or two or more, if one decides to walk through that open door. The door may open to a new country, to a new field of specialization, to new acquaintances and friends. Rejections at first feel like having a door slammed in your face. With age you realize that it's just one door closed (sometimes just for the time being), and many more doors left to knock on.

The funny thing with having kids is that, suddenly, applications for (private) kindergartens and schools come into play, on top of one's own applications. It's sad in a country (Germany) where children's mobility and educational success depends so much on their parent's position, but we have had to sell our own background and (rather) successful careers to get our kids into the schools we want them to be in. We are feeding a system that I wish I could work against, but on the other hand, we want our children to have the best education possible, and believe this does not take place in a normal state school in Berlin (not because of other pupils or their parents, but because of massive shortages in teachers, large classroom sizes, and lack of funds for equipment and facilities). It could, if we would all be willing to invest into education and change the system, but not in time for my kids' education.

I have in past posts mentioned that we have been contemplating a move away from Berlin (mainly for the sake of my career prospects, which are very unfortunately rather limited in this wonderful city). Our main condition was that all three of our kids get a place in a school that we have applied for. The application package (and fee) was impressive, to formulate it positively. We had to submit progress reports for our kids from all of their kindergarden years. Our kids are just 6, 4, and 1! They were all accepted.

We (my family) live in a world of luxury. I wish it could be the case for all children in the world, in particular in terms of their education. I'm glad that there are amazing people working towards this goal, among my friends and elsewhere. Respect.

Political Animals

I have three degrees in political science, and therefore also have many friends who have studied with me, or work in this area. But how many are politically active? A few, a dozen maybe. How many are politically interested? 100 percent, I would guess. It's a strange gap, even though I remember sighing at questions such as "so you will become a politician because you study politics?" way back when I started studying.

Maybe it is age, or maybe it because I realize that I actually have opinions on many things that I was not so sure of ten or 15 years back, that I feel like it's time that we all start "doing", and not just "analyzing". I myself definitely fall into the latter category, but am taking first careful steps, realizing that I have the confidence and - moreover - the skills to do so.

This is a call for all of you in particular who have settled somewhere: get active. Whether it be in your school, your local community organizations, or local politics. Or national. Or international. You have so many talents, so much skill. Take a look at some of these fora, and you will realize that you can significantly contribute, and might be far better at organizing processes or getting results than the rest of the group.

In particular to the women out there: find your confidence! Find your voice, say what you want to say. Start somewhere.

Capturing Memories

I'm back in Berlin after a wonderful trip to the US east coast, where I met many good old friends. Travelling with one toddler ended up being miraculously easy, and driving through the Indian summer folliage was simply breathtaking. I unfortunately took only few photos, as my ancient camera fell apart. What a shame, since I love documenting my life in photos. Ever since I was a child, I have made photo albums. I continue to do so, old style, with paper photos and glue and texts. I make photo albums for all (5) of us. It takes a lot of time, patience and a lot of bookshelf space. But there is nothing that beats looking at old photos. Special ones, not the 800 digital unedited ones. My kids love sitting on the sofa, looking at old baby photos of themsleves. I hope that one day, whenever they settle into their own homes, they will occasionally pull out an album and look at all the badly cut, hastily glued in photos. And this way remeber summers with cousins, baths with siblings, first school days, funny costumes and hair styles. Mommy is very absent in their lives from this perspective, but I hope they will know that I was there, behind the camera. Not everything can or should be seen through a lens, but some memories fade so fast, it is a treasure to have them captured. Just last night, I spent hours catching up with pasting photos (they pile up so fast), and felt so happy seeing so many wonderful people whom I have had the chance to spend time with during this past half year. My favorite ending to a blog: gratitude.

Blog Break

I today stood in the toy section, testing all toddler toys that have as many functions as possible. We're leaving for a transatlantic flight in two days - with our toddler. I decided against all computerized gadgets in the end (I've never bought any for our two girls), for the sanity of my own ears and those of fellow passengers. We will also not revert to the iPad for movies, as our kids very rarely watch anything, and after five minutes, our 1.5-year old would surely go on overdrive. A schoolmate on Facebook proposed we try Ibuprofen, he unfortunately sounded serious.

Two weeks after we return, we are going on another trip, this time with the entire family. Our girls do not know this yet, but we are introducing them to the idea of a move during this trip. My own parents asked me before we moved as children what I thought, and I felt that my views were seriously respected (perhaps just because they confirmed my parents' plans). I hope I can do the same with my girls' thoughts, although I admit that I am ensuring that I market the location well (lots of chocolate there, need I say more?).

I'll be back on the blog in ten days. Think East Coast, sunshine, Indian summer, great friends.

Hearth or Boardroom? Germany Can't Decide on a Direction.

Germany is experiencing an interesting battle about female quotas. The upper house (Bundesrat) has a majority to push through a law to introduce quotas for women on public company boards (albeit limited to very few companies, with many exceptions, and not covering other fields of the economy or politics). This undermines the government, which currently has a majority in the lower house (Bundestag) that is in favor of blocking such a law (and to pass, the law must be passed by both houses). There's some debate on whether parliamentarians could vote outside of their party line in order to have the law pass (technically they are allowed to do so in all cases, but in practice they only vote against their party line in cases of "significant moral questions").

The rather public and divisive debate about a quota for such a narrow are affecting gender relations shows that Germans are very confused about the role of women in society. Are we to be encouraged to stay at home with the kids (following the "hearth premium" that the family minister is trying to but so far failing to introduce because the coalition cannot agree on the precise format)? Are we supposed to be encouraged to participate more actively in decision making (and hence work, following the female quota proposal above)?

Because these debates are raging in such narrow fields - even though they are symbolically highly significant - I in part agree with Germany's (female) justice minister that these debates are taking away the focus from more fundamental and important debates. Then again, what would a fundamental, big-picture political solution to women's underrepresentation look like? What government would have the power to push through a "women's plan" instead of start with incremental changes? Germany (and its female population) is far too heterogeneous for such a broad-brush solution.

Down and Out

All parents with kindergarden kids know that the first months / year are horror in terms of illnesses. The poor kid catches everything (cold, stomach flu, eye infections), and the poor parents usually do as well. We had that with our first daughter, except that the only ones who got ill were her and my husband (I rarely get anything). With our second daughter, we were luckier. As the two girls are only 1.5 years apart, the eldest and my husband seemed to be immune to most illnesses. Now with our third, and an age gap of three years between him and our second child, we're back in the loop. Except that I no longer watch a child and husband fall, but three kids and the husband. Who stays standing? Yes, yours truly again. So far.

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Friendship - Takes Time

As I keep reminding any regular reader of my posts, I am blessed with wonderful friends. What is a "friend" to me? I think I have three criteria: 1) Someone I "know" (and like!), and 2) someone who "knows" me (and yes, likes me). 3) Someone who is reliable (including trustworthy).

I'm an awfully choosy person. And one who takes a long time to warm up to most people. Most of my friendships have developed through the test of time, and as time passes, they mean more and more to me. All three criteria above need time. But they also require effort - on both sides. At the minimum, this means semi-regular contact. Also, this effort needs to be mutual.

I think this "time" factor explains why most of my friends are either from my school days (long years together) or from Berlin (where I have spent the longest stretch of my life in one place). As a result of globalization, or our international backgrounds, we are scattered all over the place, far from where we started off being friends. Although time may be a barrier to friendships, geography fortunately isn't. Even before the internet days, as many of my dear friends will know.

Gratitude.

US Election Strangeness

I have decided that all interested citizens should have a vote in the US election. This may not be a good idea, but I can't think of any other way that I would be entitled to vote this time around. The amount of people talking about Obama and Romney at restaurants, corner cafés and playgrounds in Berlin is wonderful!

I don't know why I feel so strongly about this election. I have followed the US elections closely the past few times as well, but this is the first time that I have read books and even had strange dreams about the candidates (Obama is my buddy, no need to say more). Maybe I just have too much time on my hands, and am not as thrilled about who will be elected German Green party or social democrat Chancellor candidate (I do have strong views on this as well, but have fortunately not yet dreamt that any of the possibilities are my friends).

The US is a strange place, though. I finally watched Michelle Obama's speech at the democratic convention last night. It was alright, even good, but I do not understand the US psyche of being the "privileged nation", "best country", and "blessed". The Obama's great strength is to be rather humble, I find, and this type of campaigning does not fit in, in my view. But then again, the rest of the world is not voting...  

Feuilleton - Top-of-the-Tops

There are two parts in the newspaper that I enjoy reading, which are the politics and feuilleton (culture) sections. Economics/business I read so that I'm not too ignorant on that front. Sport I trash.

Today's Sueddeutsche (German daily) feuilleton was a highlight. First, a (very positive) review of Salman Rushdie's (new) memoir of his fatwa decade, "Joseph Anton" (his alias when he went undercover, after his two favorite authors Joseph Conrad and Anton Tshechov). I'm a huge fan of the Satanic Verses and Midnight's Children. Second, an interview with Michael Haneke about his film "Amour", which won the Palme d'Or in Cannes ("Das Weisse Band" from Haneke won two years ago). I am dying to see this film (Haneke's films are incredibly powerful, and the cast with Trintignant, Riva and Huppert is absolutely top-of-the-tops).

I am grateful to have time to read about such things, and know that I will soon have the opportunity and time to read the memoir and see the film. Anyone want to co-read and co-watch?

The Only Way is Up?

This post is about expectations (and now that I wrote the title, I can't get the Eurythmics song out of my head).

I've mentioned some "happiness" studies in previous posts that find that the unhappiest people live in unequal societies. Poor people in poor societies can be surprisingly content with life. A rich man's Porsche parked outside his penthouse flat does not constantly remind one of what one does not have, at least in material benefits. Poor people in rich countries are more unstable (think criminality rates, riots a la UK from last year, etc). Psychologically, I think a lot of this has to do with expectations - and most importantly, hope. Socio-economically, it has to do with mobility. If a poor person expects to have the Porsche and penthouse, and doesn't, the gap in expectations and reality results in discontent. Why him, and not me? If a poor person is granted the opportunity (i.e. hope) to work towards his expectations, he may feel happier: a one-step-at-a-time-towards-that-Porsche-happiness.

But what about people who start out relatively far at the top? Is the only way to go up? I have been thinking about this due to my own situation, as well as while reading Michelle Obama's biography. To start with the latter: After Princeton and Harvard, and an initial stint at a law firm, both Michelle and Obama take conscious steps to work in what they feel is right (civil society movements, community projects), at each career step not moving "up" (neither status nor salary wise) but down.

It takes a lot of guts to do so. I've always thought of my life trajectory as moving upwards. A great international school, a masters degree in a renowned university, jobs in some big-name institutions. If I would study again, I would want to study in: Harvard. If I would work again, I would want to work in: an institution everyone knows by name. And here's why I struggle: my expectations (and current mobility) are at such a mismatch to my reality.

It's time to change. Either my expectations or my position. The prior is what really requires guts. It requires a new perspective, where "down" and "up" no longer matter.

Female Quotas (or to be pc: the underrepresented sex)

The EU is currently working on legislation to introduce "the underrepresented sex" quotas (30%) for public company boards. Nine countries have already indicated they will block this law (UK, Denmark, Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Lithuania, Latvia, Malta), and if they do, it will be filed into a drawer. Germany has so far remained silent, but agrees with this group of nine (the family and justice ministers, both female, are against regulated female quotas).

I'm a big fan of mixing sexes in any scenario, be it school, work, or hobbies. Start from kindergarden: I have always been so happy whenever my kids have not only female caretakers, but also men (unfortunately only rarely). Especially in the cases where dads work long hours or are away on trips a lot, when else are kids supposed to experience male role models? Move to work: I have been amazed (more inspired than stunned) by some female colleagues and the passion and expertise they can bring to their work.

A quota is, for me, more about principle than practice. It is like affirmative action, which may appear to have downsides (the original pool may not initially be the "top 1%" in the sense defined by the majority group). But it does three things. 1) It opens up opportunities; it literally breaks through glass ceilings ("A man as a kindergarden teacher? Wow, he's actually great! More of those, please.") 2) It can be a door to changing criteria and processes (e.g. making board meeting times more compatible with family needs, as moms may demand this faster than dads would). 3) It makes things more "colorful" (ever been the only woman in a room with 100 men in dark suits? I have.)

P.s. Thanks to all of you who send me comments via email. I know it is difficult via blogger, but I cherish every message, even if it's just a "thanks" or "oh, dear, you really should read a, b, and c before you write about this".

Children's Needs Vs. Own Needs

Us parents have a pretty high endurance level. I wonder how many hours I have carried my kids in total, and how many hours of the nights I have spent sitting at their bedsides. We sometimes do rather crazy things in order to get our kids to sleep, or stay asleep. When they're ill or having nightmares, we sacrifice our own rest to make sure they are well. But more often, we battle - especially as the kids get older. Evening play time or bed time (resulting in parent own time). Play time or clean-up time (before going to bed, resulting in as above). Helping time (reading out loud, building train tracks, pushing the swing, a kazillion other) or independent time (again, resulting in own time). It's a fine balance, to achieve being there enough and helping vs ensuring that one doesn't get eaten up and become a slave to commands. Wonderful as it would be, kids' time is not always compatible with own time. Thinking that "I'll have time to rest in 15 years" is, well, not very sustainable, at least I don't manage longer than a day or week with my three small ones. I find it very difficult to just do my things and ignore the kids' needs when they are around. Hence the importance I place on having the evenings for myself (our kids go to bed relatively early), and getting a weekend or two in, at an increasing rate when the kids grow up (they are happy with my husband, with the grandparents, and even at a friends' place). It has taken me a few years, and a few kids, to realize that most parenting manuals are right in pushing parents to take short breaks from active parenting every now and then. A good parent is a generally balanced parent, not a constantly exhausted one.

Friendship (Post 2482)

I could write a million posts about my friends. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful bunch of them, whom I watch blossom and who make my life such a wonderful experience.

To my friends: thank you.

I just spent a wonderful weekend away (from Berlin, from the family), and with three friends whom I have known for nearly or over thirty years.

To my husband: thank you.

Not every mom can take it for granted that she can pack up her bags and leave three little ones behind, knowing that they will be in loving and caring hands. The possibility to close the door, leave and not worry for a second is a blessing.

Ethnic Prejudice

I went to an international school as a child, and consider myself quite tolerant of race, religion, sexual orientation and ethnicity. I do have problems with intolerance, and the recent attacks on Americans following an appalling video about Muhammed are an example for me of where intolerance leads to. Being a very political and touchy topic, I'll rather prove an example of my own shortcomings in this respect: In Berlin, there is a large Turkish minority (nearly 1/3 of the population). Having initially come as "guest workers", many Turkish people have stayed, had kids, and their kids have had kids. These "third generation" Turks mainly live in certain areas, and are viewed as a "problem" by Germans, as even if they hold German passports, they are not "assimilated" as much as Germans would like them to be. A big problem is language, as only recently did Berlin introduce a free last kindergarden year (at the age of 5 or 6), so many children only learn German "correctly" then. A solution I found constructive would be to provide also a free first year, to get the kids into the system early on. In any case, there are a few Turkish kids in our kids' private school (we have very few Turks in our area). I was surprised of three issues. 1) Both parents are Turkish, compared to most other kids' parents who are half German. 2) They live in Turkish areas, and drive their kids to school, whereas most families live close to the school. 3) They are not doctors or lawyers, as I expected (it's not a cheap school), but e.g. kindergarden teachers and bakers. Michelle Obama's biography has several parallels to this - people investing huge amounts into their children's education, but on the other hand being a rather closed community. Finally, the "prejudice" from my title: I had an embarrassing experience during a parent's evening yesterday. I partnered with a Turkish dad in an icebreaker excersise, where we had to tell three things about ourselves, one of which was untrue. The other had to guess which. One of the points the dad said was that he's a baker. I had always thought he's a rich doctor. Will I one day meet someone from an ethnic minority here in Berlin who does not fulfil the stereotypes? This city, wonderful as it is, is not tolerant. (Apologies, a muddled post. Complex thoughts on this issue. But better some muddled thoughts than silence.)

Can a City be a Home?

As I wrote a few days ago, ten years ago I thought I had moved to Berlin to stay. Actually, even just two months ago I still thought this. But when an opportunity to leave suddenly arises during a phase when one is constantly trying to fill a void, it's easier to open up options than when life is full and fulfilled. My answer to what my home is has always been: where my family (husband and kids) and friends are. Most of the latter are all over the world, and I can honestly say that although I know a hundred or more people in Berlin, I have - out of a dozen or so true friends in my life - one left here. So that leaves the city itself. The language? I dislike it more and more, because due to its rules and strict style, although I usually pass for German, I will never be good enough to work in German. Berlin is so cool, cheap, relaxed and interesting. But it's also poor (bankrupt, actually), dirty, rather ugly and big. I do love it, I admit. But it's not a healthy relationship if it does not love me (sniff, sniff)...

Working vs Staying at Home

I am jealous of all of those stay at home moms who enjoy this task. Look at my past half year, and follow my posts, and you can tell that I find it very difficult. I am not interested in shopping, decorating the home, thinking about what wonders to cook for the evening, and drinking coffee with other stay-at-home moms. It may sound ideal to some, I feel I have been at a low point with these tasks. I feel better now that I at least have a newspaper again, and although the working world is not connected to me, I am at least following what is happening in it. For my self-esteem, I still need two things. 1) I need to belong. This means that I need an identity other than motherhood. Self-fulfilling selfhood is not my strength - I will not pick up French vocabulary books and paint my way through the day, popping into art galeries in between. I will also not volunteer for Save the Children stalls. I wish I could, but I know myself to know I wont. My self-worth depends on (wrongly or rightly is irrelevant) having achieved something with all that I have invested into my studies and career so far: the "next step". 2) I need my own income. I need to know it is coming not from childcare, cleaning, cooking or other, but from point 1 before. Again wrongly or rightly, I feel that I need to see a reard for all these years of investments. Or 3) I need to manage go change my entire attitude to staying at home. I'm not sure that's possible, nor am I sure that I would want to. Having taken the path I have taken has been my choice, it has fit my interests and character, and provided a feeling of worth and success. Status as well. Am I willing to give this up? No. No. And no.

How to Bring and Pick Up Three Kids to and from Daycare

We don't have a car, nor would I drive if we did (I have a license but have never driven after getting it). This means that, wherever we go, we either walk, bike or take public transportation (which is great in Berlin). The distances to school / kindergarden (in one building), stores and friends are usually so short that it's easiest to walk. As our school / kindergarden are literally across the street, I don't even take the buggy for the youngest of our three (I try go get our kids to walk as much as possible on their own, the girls stopped using the buggy at 2 years). When our smallest was a baby, and it was winter, this meant that I not only carried the baby, but also all extra clothes, bags etc for the girls. I was one ridiculous-looking bag woman then. Things are now easier, as our eldest has a backpack and goes to class herself, and the youngest walks. But I nevertheless face one logistical challenge, which is that all three kids have different pick-up times, at least until our youngest has settled in properly and all school activities get going for the year (we have great afternoon clubs at school, so I don't need to take three kids to three different hobbies elsewhere). At least the distance is as short as it gets, and soon at least our eldest (6) can come home alone. With small kids, repeating the mantra "things will get easier" helps - and is at least in some respects true.