Berlin Mitte Bubble

My second daughter (now 6) went to a Turkish friend's birthday party today, a couple of subway stops away from our home. We live in Berlin Mitte, previously squatted eastern Berlin, for the past five or so years (and here I openly confess), home to yuppies such as we are (nicely renovated or newly built flats, cafes and tapas and aperol, little boutiques and art galeries...not luxury villas galore, but we definitely can't complain). The party was in Berlin Wedding, which has some up and coming corners, but is still mainly inhabited by Turkish people of 1st, 2nd or 3rd generation. Decent buidlings, but instead of boutiques, Deniz' Export/Import, Döner/kebap kiosks, one sports betting club after another, and well, few yuppies. My idea to find a nice cafe during the party turned into a long trek through the area, as there simply weren't any cafes along the routes I walked. It was again eye opening for someone like me, who has lived, worked, shopped, socialized and taken care of kids mainly within a 2-mile radius. It again made me realize what a luxury (at the lower end) bubble we live in here in Mitte, despite its socially different buidlings as well, lots of graffiti etc. But at the end of the day, I can walk one minute in any direction, and get an amazing espresso, a perfect French pastry, and buy a scarf from 300 euros upward (I prefer the first two by a lifetime over the latter). Berlin has its ghettos, and it's a shame we dont manage to mix more in this city. "We" being part of this problem. Solutions or ideas on how to mix beyond taking random tourist-feeling walks outside of our bubbles - please do share.

Filling up the empty (work) space

Work not only means achievement, impact, rewards and social networks to me - it is also something that helps me structure my days. I always like having a lot to do, and am not a master in creating my own tasks. To be honest, I'm miserable at it. Give me a task and I'll be creative, meticulous, determined, and full of endurance. Tell me to just do something and I'll be bored out of my wits after two hours, and start doing things like using Post-its to dust my keyboard cracks and reading the same online newspaper's headlines every seven minutes. Achievement, impact, reward and network effect at exactly zero.

So, before I figure out my new "tasks" for 2014, I've got some place-fillers stacked up. A daily newspaper delivered. A renewed gym membership. And a huge stack of DVDs. That will get me through one or two weeks, and after that I'll have to have used the time on the treadmill, the active brainpower moments while watching movies, and the moments when I run out of news stories (and a few coffees, walks and talks later), hopefully know what direction I need to take. There are already a few applications in the works as well, but as I tend to be with these, my hopes are not overly high. It's good to know that there have been a couple of things "out there" that have interested me, though.

Oh, or the kids may just do one of their usual "let's all get sick after each other for four weeks in a row", and I can delay any own "thinking time" to later.

With these random thoughts, enjoy the last few days of 2013.

Last Day (of this phase)

Tomorrow is my last day at the office. I admit I am more sad to leave my work iPhone behind than my keys, but I will miss a few other things as well. I have been transitioning out of "we" at the office for two months now, so I don't think I will feel like I'm no longer part of a team. But I will feel like I'm no longer part of various groups, in particular some friendly faces that greeted me at the office every day (and one or two ones I certainly wont miss!), as well as my Berlin partners, whom I regularly met at meetings and events. I hope that I can remain motivated and somehow still remain involved occasionally, but for now, what comes after tomorrow is all still open. Right now, I'm just happy to have Christmas, New Years, and start with a bit of a blank slate. I hope to fill it quickly though. Wishing you all a good end to 2013, and hope that you are looking into 2014 with optimism!

Goodbyes

My last two weeks have been a series of good-bye emails and good-bye lunches and coffees. The latter of course with people whom I have sincerely enjoyed working with during the past year, the prior as a professional hand-over necessity. At times it feels sad, as I have enjoyed working with many people. And then I get regular reminders just why I decided to leave, which makes me oscilate between melancholy and anger. I'm happy and relieved as well, so you can imagine it's a bit of a rolercoaster. But all in all, this has been a positive set of good-byes. Those who can't stand me have had the decency to just remain silent, and those whom I sincerely liked have mirrored that feeling back explicitly, which means a lot to me. As Sheryl Sandberg said in her book Lean In, work isn't about being liked. But, as I would add, it sure does make life easier! My life after this year may again be a tad bit more cynical with respect to working at any institution (greetings, internal politics!), but it's also several relationships - and perhaps even friendships - richer. It's time to leave this career year behind, and move on. Thank you to all of the angels among you who have supported me in this, and also for the recent feedback. Always more than appreciated, thank you!

Pick your job as you would a partner

When I metmy husband, it was love at first (6-day) sight. We have been together (albeit at times not in the same country) for 16 years. In the first years, before we got engaged, married, had three kids and bought a flat, I asked myself every single day whether I want to be with this man, and answered yes. I'm currently - or for the past ten years - trying out the same strategy with a job. Is it love at first sight? Do I think i could be happy, and could the feeling be mutual? Am I able to see myself partnering with this "company" for most of my waking life for the next years? Is the love mutual? I'm with age becoming increasingly picky, and decreasingly desperate. I wont even start an "affair" if I can see it wont lead anywhere. I give a potential relationship a try, but if it's clear there is no future, I'm not staying just because I dont want to risk being alone. I've been so miraculously, tremendously lucky with my private life - I am a naive, romantic optimist: my true love job is out there somewhere. There to find, to find me (or maybe I just have to create it). Some"one" who values me for who I am, who gives as well as accepts to take, whose world is richer because we are together, and not going alone..... (giggle giggle, as a romantic teenager would - not an old, bitter cynic!)

December in the life of a mom of 3 - status 8 December

Packed 96 advent calendar bags (3 kids + husband's). Made German "Adventskranz". Baked Finnish gingerbread cookies. Stocked up at Ikea for wrapping paper and Swedish "Glögg". Filled 3 boots with chocolates for German "Nikolaus". Celebrated Finnish independence day. Baked for two parties of daughter's 6th birthday. Went to three brunches/coffee-cakes just today. Worked full-time. Pre-cooked meals for the week.

Coming up: preparing for actual Christmas....And loving this time of the year (except for the rainy and sleety weather!).

Feedback request - what next?

I need to start thinking out of the box a bit, or at least living out some of my out-of-box ideas. But moving from needing to doing is not my strength in the career world. So, hence a request. Please supply a few words, lines or paragraphs of ideas what I should do next, based on whatever criteria you choose, and either through comments or email. Or sms, telephone, or in person. I wander around in my own head enough, I'd appreciate some reflections. Every word appreciated, thanks!

Everyone not so nice nice

Before a really nice colleague of mine left her job a couple of months ago, she left a couple of albums on the shared drive for me to listen to. I am really old school with lots of things, and one is digital music - I mean the MP3 kind (I did and still do master CDs! Although I am generation tape and even LP!). One is Regina Spektor, whom I find really funny and nice to listen to. I was thinking of lyrics from her song just now (…everyone not so nice nice…or at least that's what I hear or remember, maybe she really sings something completely different - you know those amazingly funny subtitles to what people think are sung in songs, or when you read the real subtitles and realize you've heard something wrong for decades!).

So, the thing is, everyone is not so nice (nice) at the moment. My friends are lovely (thank you!!!), as is my family (thank you!!!), and that is what counts. But it's a bit like eating a lovely chocolate muffin, and then you bite into a rotten rat. Or you are dancing and twirling to lovely music barefoot, and stumble on glass splinters. Or you're strolling in your cotton summer dress down the street in the evening summer sun, and a car drives past and someone throws up all over your feet. Or you've spent a long evenings - months - of your private time contributing to making your company's work that tiny bit better, to be told one day when you are leaving that you didn't offer any value, that you took it too easy, that you didn't do your share.

That's the way life is. Everyone's not so nice nice, at least not all the time. The baker may have forgotten to close the door, and a rat slept in without notice (probably a tiny one, if it fits into a muffin!);  some happily tipsy couple broke their red wine bottle, and didn't bother sweeping up the pieces; someone simply gets ill; and someone simply gets annoyed.

I need to stop taking these things so personally. But what I can conclude with is that, during these slightly tiring times, it is amazing to realize how many incredible friends I have - and how I have even in this strange context made a few new friends. Even in the worst times, there is light. (And I know, these are mildly challenging times - nothing even close to catastrophe or suffering - I have that much perspective!). But the light still shines very bright, and I am very, immensely grateful.

The Need to Share - less is more? From Generation Overshare.

I've always been quite an open person. I'm a bit of an open book - you see what you get. If I have something to say, I usually say it. If I'm angry, it shows. Diplomacy, tact and patience are not assets I have. I try to be more careful than I have been in the past - a lot gets used against you when you're an open person. But it takes a lot of effort, to stop sharing what I think, see or feel. I'm definitely part of "generation overshare". My poor friends will agree - especially those who used to get a letter or page-long email a day (I know many just didn't read through, just is as the case with this blog). At work I'm aware I tend to spam, because I see relevance and something interesting in so many things. I overshare on facebook and twitter. But is less more? Perhaps. I could spend a week, editing a blog entry before I post. I could post my facebook updates on the basis of how many people will find it cool or cute and likeable. I could tweet on the condition I think a tweet will get 78 retweets. But would that be me? Would that make me feel happy, knowing that just one person would have enjoyed one of the random messages I could have sent, but didn't; found something interesting, comforting, or just plain silly in it? Would I feel good, having thoughts, feelings, information just locked up in my own head? No. But do I care about reactions? Of course I do. Nothing hurts as much as writing to a friend several times, and never getting a reply. Sharing important information at work, and simply being ignored. I take it as a hint: less is more. But actually, less is simply less - friends can ignore a two-liner each year just as well, colleagues that key rare insight. Hence I'll just keep sharing. The need to share is greater than the solution to whether to do more or less of it.

November Outside and Inside

November is a really tough month, at least up here in the Northern hemisphere. Whereas lots of people claim that they like autumn, I think November gets excluded from this category. It's not mulled wine season yet, it feels scarily early to start slowly getting some Christmas smells and atmosphere into the flat, and there is no sign of beautiful autumn foliage out there. It's gray, rainy, cold and just plain ugh.

So far, it has also been a bit of a November month not only outside, but also inside (myself). I've had a few very positive encounters, meetings, even work events. But it's all a bit of a struggle when the sun is not out, providing that reminder that there's something positive out there. I do have the kids for that every now and then, thank heavens. And friends, thank universe.

November is the "brakes" of the year. Whereas many other months of the year simply fly by, we crawl through November. No rustling of autumn leaves under our feet, no sledging and crunching of snow. Time to get a fireplace...?

Time to move out of the bedroom

Back to a non-work post: it's time to move out of the bedroom. For both of us. And with us I mean both myself and my youngest (just over 2.5 years). I've spent the past 1.5 hours next to his bed (hallelujah for the ipad), waiting for him to fall asleep. Cut his nap? Tick. Just let him go to bed on his own. Cross (have tried a few times, but as with all things, it's usually all or nothing and cold turkey is the way to go with our kids). And while we're at it, having him over in my bed (note: only my side of the bed). Another cross. Tried a few times half-heartedly, failed. As a result, rest poorly in the evenings, sleep poorly in the nights. Coffee only goes a short way.... I'm tired. Time for a change? Yes. Energy to bring about this change (reminder, I have to do this alone 3-4 nights each week due to our commuter dad)? Not yet... ;)

Job Offers vs No Rush

I again got another job offer today. I should be over the moon, as this was the third one in a short time. It should be such a confidence booster. I should be rubbing my palms together. But after these months, I lack two important feelings: optimism and idealism. I feel disappointed, disillusioned - and the grass doesn't look very green anywhere in my eyes at the moment. I'm probably in the need of a bit of a rest, and need a bit of distance from this circus. Just a day or two (which hasn't been that easy in my current job, which does not support compensation time, "taking vacation", or just being a tiny bit flexible at times - yes, as everyone tells me, "get out of there!!") - and then I'll be ready to rethink...

Core Network and Work Network

I often have a difficult time differentiating between people who are nice to me because they are nice to ME, and people who are nice because they want something. I'm often disappointed when I realize they fall only into the latter category, and can be quite nasty when they cannot use me. I like being liked, and am not a very tough cookie when not liked - i.e. it hurts. But even more than my craving to be liked is my craving not to be "used", so with every job, I've piled up a set of people with whom I dont get along. The best way to find out whether people really like you in your job is to experience their reactions when you quit. It shows who is in your "core network" and who is just there, friendly or not, because they want something. Core people stay - through various jobs. Work people leave. And it's quite transparent in their reactions to the news of a departure. An honest "oh no!" feels honest, the rest don't even often bother to react. Or if it's expressed face-to-face, one set will give you a hug, the other set somehow freeze over right there and then. So, when meeting people, you rarely know whom you can count on. When leaving people, it's quite clear. Strange just HOW clear.

Time to Rethink

After several months of debating this decision with myself, and after eight months since starting my job, I quit. There's a long list of reasons why I decided I will leave, and an equally long list why I stayed on for so long.

It's a surreal feeling at the moment, knowing I'll most likely be back in career free fall soon, but also knowing that there would be a number of opportunities out there. Great career opportunities, and I have been asked to apply for a number of these opportunities. This may be the main reason I decided to quit: the discrepancy of where I think I should be, and where I am.

It's a geographical discrepancy, not only a distance in career steps.

The problem is, these career advancement opportunities are not in Berlin. And the greater problem is that my life is not only one suitcase anymore, which can be packed up. It's also not something that can wait in storage. My life is also not my life alone anymore. It is also the life of my husband, with his work, and that of my children. It is my life with my friends, and this city that I consider my home.

I have always defined myself strongly through work, or where I thought my studies and career would take me. My self esteem and feeling of value stems from work to a great extent. My motivation to achieve and do stems from work.

It's time to rethink things again. And hopefully build something new. It will be a difficult, long process, I fear. But what doesn't kill us (and this wont kill me!) will make us stronger, to quote Nietzsche.

Blog Phase 1 so far was about "how to get a job in Berlin". Blog Phase 2 is likely to be "can I get the right job in Berlin". Because as those of you who have followed Phase 1 so far, this mom of three will not and cannot be happy without a "job"... excuse the lack of cupcake recipes and boutique tips in the future as well!

Hope to return healthy

I'm leaving to Zambia for 12 days next Tuesday, and leaving my family behind, as this is a work trip. I've had some anxious moments about leaving especially my youngest (2.5) behind for such a long time, but have also had some sleepless nights about whether I myself will be safe and stay healthy. And of course also, whether I can do a good job as a novice in Africa. I'm providing the policy inputs during our trip, for a delegation of 18 people. I have a long flight to read up and hopefully be a few steps ahead... But most importantly, I hope I - as a mom of three lovelies - return home safely to them. Is it worth the risk going? I think so. This - work - is such a big part of my life, and the opportunity to see things in practice may not arise again soon. Wish me luck, and I hope that after my trip, and a week of vacation with the kids, I'll be back to report. Perhaps I'll find a moment to write while there. Enjoy July!

Stressed, anyone?

My colleauges at work are trying to pull off two big events this week, and many of them are quite stressed. I sit there, but work for a different team, so I occasionally help out, but usually do different work. I've been asked to support a bit too much - and silly tasks - this week, so things have been rather tense at times. In the evenings, I've been trying to de-escalate some freako parent reps who try to sow chaos in our school by spreading rumors and making mountains (poisonous ones) out of molehills. At least family and friends are staying sane, right? Well, no. My son came home today with a bite, by another kid... and it's getting slightly infected, and he's getting temperature. I work in health and read too much about things like rabies... Plus my husband is travelling, I for the first time forgot my phone at work, and cannot reach our babysitter - and am supposed to moderate a 7-hour workshop for 30 people tomorrow. Stressed? Not really, except about the poor little thumb and boy. As long as he's ok, who cares about all the other freakos this week.

Take that back from yesterday - uff

Oh well, sometimes things don't go as one plans. My amazing restful day turned out to be one pile of unmotivating events after another. Turf wars galore on multiple fronts. And if there's one thing that drains me quicker than bratty kids, it's bratty adults. Uff! No fun.

Need A Rest - Thank heavens for work...

We've had a couple of very full weekends the past month, and with various birthday, end of year etc parties, it isn't calming down for a while. Sunday evenings I'm ready to collapse, and I wish I could just sleep for two days. But the best rest, in practice, as crazy as it sounds, is to sit at my office desk Monday morning with my coffee... And when people ask where I'm going on vacation, I answer that I have two weeks with the kids - but my real vacation is a work trip of 12 days to Zambia. Being a health "expert", I have become slightly paranoid about the diseases I work on, and which are rampant in the country and not easy to prevent, especially as we're visiting clinics and community health centers in rural areas. But aside from various risks, I am sure that it will be an eye-opening, breathtaking (and perhaps tear-shedding) trip for me. But before that starts in 10 days, thank heavens for Monday morning tomorrow...

Obama in Berlin - part 2

In 2008, Obama spoke in Berlin, and drew a crowd of hundreds of thousands - as presidential candidate. Today, as President, he spoke again, 50 years after JFK stated, in isolated Western Berlin: Ich bin ein Berliner. Obama quoted JFK quite extensively from then, and placed an emphasis on our common responsibility to look beyond our own problems and comforts. The main theme was acting against complacency, and taking history into our own hands. Berlin has been in Obama-euphoria today again, and rightly so.

Kids vs Friends

My friends are absolutely lovely. And so are my kids. But the combination of friends and small kids is not always the optimal for friendships. Kids are needy. They are loud. They can be bratty. (They can be cute as well). Most of my friends like my kids, I'm very lucky about that. But I am also not naive about what the reality with us 2 adults and 3 small kids is like, especially if confined to a small place. Kids are messy, they spill things, they interrupt conversations - no matter how well-behaved. I notice that I've increasingly resorted to leaving the kids with my husband when I meet a friend for coffee (one without or with kids), as I can finish more than two sentences in half an hour. I fully understand that for friends with small flats, and especially ones that place high value on tideness, inviting us 5 may mean just one other guest can fit in an addition. Coming over to our place is sometimes like entering a zoo. I'm lucky with my friends. I'm grateful I dont need to choose friends or kids, but I have to admit it is pure luxury to at times separate my kids and my friends. The funny part is, I think every parent finds their own kids more disrupting than other's kids. I absolutely adore my friends' kids. They are adorable, I get so unhappy that I cannot see many of them that often. So maybe my crazy zoo is only bothersome for one person at these times: me....

Reunited - with friends - and cake

I'm very picky with my cake. It may be because I spent a lot of my childhood in Vienna. I always have something to criticize with cake I get in Berlin. Too creamy, too dry, nearly always too big. I spent the last weekend in Vienna, and confess that as I was without the kids, I moved from one cafe to the next. It was pure bliss and sunshine. The cake was amazing. As were the sunny views of beautiful buildings. The melange coffee, pure perfection. And best of all, as I was in town for a school reunion, I had friends whom I could just relax with. Whom I trust so fully. With whom I now share nearly thirty years of my life. As with the cake, revisiting these friendships, especially in such a beautiful setting, was someing extremely valuable. Gratitude.

Looks and comments

Three things seem to have triggered a wave of comments - thankfully complements - from people who have seen me more frequently the past year. 1) My hair is longer. The sad part is I enjoy it short. But people seem to like it long, as does my wallet, so oh well. 2) I wear make-up to work. When I don't, I get asked whether I'm sick or tired. Sad as it is, I've noticed that make-up after 30 appears to be a must. My female colleagues the same age show similiar affects. With looks healthy, without we look gray and exhausted. I never wear any on a "normal" homey day. What a sad must. I never used to understand why my mom didn't leave the house without make-up...now I do. 3) I don't wear my old jeans and alternate between three t-shirts. I even wear tiny heels. Could I have imagined this when my main route was playground sand to washing machine to the grocery store across the street? All this in combo: thanks to work. Funny, right? You'd think the mom at home has so much time to make an effort. Some do. I never saw the point...

Are you political?

We discussed this question at a university alumni meeting earlier today. Is our work political? Are we allowed to be political at work? Is it possible not to be? What about in our private lives?

As those who know my blogs subtitle know, I believe that we, as active beings in society, are inherently political. Sure, some more than others, and some people's politics affects more people than others'. Being political does not only being a politician and being part of a political party - so take a minute to think about how political you are. And maybe you would like to be more vocal about your politics? There's so much to do, so much to change, so much to improve in this world.

But why you? Why try to affect things that cannot be changed, or are too complex? Because they can be changed, because they change because WE change them.

Take a speaker as an example who spoke to our alumni group today. A former Israeli ambassador, who gave a brilliant overview of the situation in the Middle East, and in particular the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It's a conflict I've followed with interest and hopeless apathy in turn. So awful - and so hopeless. But the speaker made such a great speech, could give such a clear take on the different problems, and most importantly - how these could be overcome. As political as can be - but just the act of sharing his views with us was a political act. And intently listening and thinking? Something political is triggered by that as well - although on this, I am not "active" politically, although I do have a strong opinion on the conflict. Do you?

(I'm skipping parts of our reunion program before heading to dinner - enjoying catching up with some Lana del Ray, Florence and the Machine and Adele and random doodling around - was inspired after watching the movie Gatsby yesterday!).

Shift of focus

It's strange how, at one moment, you are as a mom focussing on the quality and health of your nipples and the skin on your baby's bum. And just a few months later (or in some other countries like the US: week's later) chairing a meeting in a suit and talking about (if not managing) budgets of millions. To me it feels like travelling across the universe. The two worlds of home and work are so different. I guess it's not the case for everyone. I enjoy this part of being a working mom most. I get miles of distance to home when I'm at work, can focus on different issues and forget about being "mama" for a moment. But coming home, the beauty of it is just that: being mama, and getting distance to work. Sure, the two mix to some extent - my phone is omnipresent at work for emergencies at school or home, just in case. I have photos of my kids on my desk. And at home I often work in the evenings. But it's still more black and white than mushy gray. Or perhaps red and orange... in any case, different.

Femen Femen - Everywhere

There's a pretty good article in this week's Economist about the feminist boob-revealing protest movement Femen. It puts the protest movement into feminist context, and is pretty a-moralistic about it, and gets what it's about. But it also rightly states that boobies boobies everywhere stops being shocking or newsworthy at some point. Did you know that Angela Merkel and Vladmir Putim were femened early April in Hannover (I did, but only because I was following Merkel press that day due to a work event), or that the Barbie house opening was femened in Berlin (I didn't, and shhh about the Barbie house for a household with a 5 and 6 year old girl). What do I think about femen? All for it, if the protest is for a good purpose. I don't find breasts shocking, but I come from Finland where we jump around nude from saunas into lakes... Would I do it? Perhaps, if there would be a cause I strongly believe in - and perhaps would see no other effective way of having my voice heard (or text read...). Not going to happen, but it's an interesting thought process to go through. Would you?

Lean In vs Lean Back - at work and at home

What does leaning in (a la the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg) mean on a practical level at work and at home? Here are some thoughts on what this looks like in my life.

Leaning in at work means that I take care of my tasks, try to do them not too sloppily (I'm a rather sloppy person, as you can tell from the all typos in this blog!), and try to think of useful outputs (sharing with others, using as input in discussions, filing for later use). I try to stay motivated and be a more constructive team player.

But I also lean back a lot (which is probably why I haven't gotten that far in my career). I don't go that extra mile to think about what would make strategic sense, I don't give issues a second, critical thought, and I don't dive into details. I rather jump from one issue to another, and to a third, and to a hundredth... Or I'll stay quiet because I'm too tired to really activate my brain at a strategic moment, or prepare for something properly.

What about at home? Can leaning in be applied to parenting? Is this the super active, engaged parent, who invests into quality time? Or leaning back? The parent who can spend an evening on the sofa reading calmly, or meditating? The same applies as above. I'm slightly all over the place, trying to multitask playing with cars (with the youngest, now nearly 2.5), listen to the endless stories of my eldest (soon 7), and accept  hugs from my middle child (5.5, in a very cuddly phase) - while reading the Economist, hanging up the laundry, and changing out of my work clothes...

Crying at Work

I'm an emotional person, easily getting angry about silly things, or sad about random issues - or happy about little pieces of news (especially if those little things involve new little people in the world!). I try not to, but there have been occasions when I have cried at work. From anger, from being insulted, after having read a sad personal message. Today I cried when reading a UNAIDS report (UNAIDS) is an umbrella for all UN and multilateral development agencies working on AIDS.   In the report were profiles of people on antiretroviral (i.e. AIDS) medicines, and questions answered by them on what they find most important in life. Many were parents, many had given birth when already HIV-positive, and the response was the same throughout: staying alive and healthy (possible with medicines), and having made sure their children are born and remain HIV-free (birth to a positive parent of a negative child is possible with timed medicines). A good and hopeful reason to cry.

Impacting - who, what and why

I'm on facebook, twitter and on this blog. I always have to laugh when I see some other people's facebook/twitter/blog statistics. 1,500 friends, 30,000 followers on twitter, 15,000 blog followers. I laugh because a) that's so incomparable to my "stats", and b) I'm positively impressed at the impact these people are having on other people. Or are they? I guess it depends on who's following, what is being followed in terms of substance, and why the writer/poster is posting. Especially the latter is interesting, because the motivation to share can be so diverse. In today's FT weekend (courtesy of travelling husband who brings home newspapers), there was an article that people who actively post on social media are happier than those who don't. And most don't care whether their posts are "liked", re-tweeted or reviewed. They have the feeling that someone out there cares, even if they do not actively signal this. I think I belong to this category. Of course it's cool if you suddenly "trend" on twitter (I don't!), or get 720 likes for a comment on facebook (I don't), or see that 2,376 people read today's blogpost (guess..?). But even if one friend sees something I post, smiles, or thinks about some issue because of it, I'm happy. My impact? Does it matter....? An ode for more people to share ideas! I'll follow, smile or frown, and what be happy to read what you are thinking.

Labor force participation of women, earnings of women - and divorce

Passed on by a friend from a study by the National Bureau on Economic Research. This made me laugh. For those who have read my blog for longer and know my life, you'll know why.

"Within couples, if the wife's potential income (based on her demographics) is likely to exceed the husband's, the wife is less likely to be in the labor force and earns less than her potential if she does work. Couples where the wife earns more than the husband are less satisfied with their marriage and are more likely to divorce."

ps. Finland just reshuffled their government, with two new female ministers.

Applaud for beating, applaud for rape?

I went to e theatre in Berlin yesterday (Berliner Ensemble) and watched Wedekind's Frühlingserwachen (spring awakening, or youth awakening). Written in 1891, it's still current as ever, especially when directed by Peymann. The topic is morality, and what makes a good/bad person (character, upbringing, bad luck, etc). There were sad fates among several teenage characters. Inclduing beatings and rape. What was more disturbing than some nude and raunchy scenes was that a large part of the audience laughed and applauded after a young man beats a young 14-year old girl, and again reacted this way when the same girl was raped. If a few people had laughed, I would have guessed it was a distubed laughter. If they had just clapped, perhaps at the authenticity of the performance. But it was a large group, and the combination of laughter and clapping was simply very disturbing.

Girls' Morning Out

My girls are 5.5 and nearly 7 years old. They are lovely, easy kids. My son is 2, and absolutely adorable - but far from easy. He's not even close to hyperactive, but he just has a lot of energy. We can't yet go eat out with him, other than to outdoor pizzerias (with playgrounds) etc - and even then it's far from relaxing. So today's morning out with my girls felt luxurious in contrast. We went to the opera to listen to old funny chansons - something I would have loved even without the kids. And then went to one of my favorite cafes (bravo in the KW, although their food and cakes are not great, the location is lovely), and had fun flipping through interior magazines and dreaming of swimming pools and amazing views and colors. In other words, it was quite a mommy day, on my terms, but fully compatible with my girls' needs. I love being able to spend time withh my son, but sometimes, nothing beats a girly day :)

Mother - Rewind 7 or 8 Years

I became a mother just under seven years ago. As I am now 33 years old, I have been a mother for slightly over 1/5 of my life. Numbers, fractions and percentages are usually too abstract to comprehend an issue, so maybe I'll rewind 7 years. Or better 8, as I think any mother would agree that pregnancy is already a part of motherhood. 8 years ago I spent Mother's day dealing with a family emergency. I had been hoping to get pregnant for nearly a year by then. For some reason, it was for the best at the time that I could focus on helping my family then. I was nonetheless devastated on Mother's day when I realized that it was again that time of the month when I again - as month after month before - realized I had again not become pregnant. I was in a phase where I did not  have time or energy to think about myself, but on that day I did. I was upset, angry, and it was a day that helped me refocus on myself and my own needs, wishes and dreams. Having children was something I wanted so much. Three wonderful children later, I am so grateful that this wish has been granted to me. I am so grateful for the here and now.

My Little Green Cactus - the opera

I had lunch with out interns today, whom I like and enjoy chatting with. As it was a Friday, the conversation drifted to plans for the weekend. One intern was going to some electronic beats concert, the other to listen to a Senegalese band. Me? I'm going to listen the the children's opera "My Little Green Cactus", at 11am. A friend from Brussels just wrote a blo about feeling uncool, not being let into a concert in the evening because she had a buggy along. I had to think of her today and laugh: how cool is a very, very strange concept.... or the wrong adjective for us parents.

Biutiful

A good friend of mine has for years told me that she's afraid to have children because she doesn't feel ready to take on so much responsibility. At its most basic, the responsibility that you have as a parent is to keep your children alive - and to keep yourself alive. The concept of mortality suddenly becomes very real. Another good friend of mine a few days wrote about a health scare she had. She's a mom of two small kids. I had some health issues during the past year, as most readers of this blog know, and as a mom of three small kids, I often felt: scared. Once we become parents, we never cease to be parents - no matter what happens to our children. But the opposite is also true: we never cease to be the children of our parents - no matter what happens to our parents. It's not easy to let go, I'm certain, although I've thankfully never had to experience any such loss.

Not knowing what I was getting into, I watched the film "Biutiful" last night, with Javier Bardem, in spanish (I don't understand spanish, so I watched with subtitled, I just wanted to highlight that it's a spanish and not Hollywood film). The main topic is mortality of parents. And what this means for both parents and small children. Heavy stuff, in other words - but also "biutiful", as the title states. 

Is it true that you can only truly value what you have when you realize you could lose it?     

Why You Moms - and Your Kids - are So, So, So Lucky

Save the Children today published their report on the state of mothers and infants around the world:
http://www.savethechildrenweb.org/SOWM-2013/#/10/

Top ten places to be as a mom and new-born start with Finland, run through all the Nordic countries, include Germany (where I gave birth to all three of my kids) - and the bottom ten (numbering 167 - 176 out of the world) are all countries in sub-Saharan Africa.

Child mortality is falling around the world, also in parts of sub-Saharan Africa. But it's falling very slowly there. And maternal mortality in sub-Saharan Africa remains dismal. Many moms do not have access to health care of mid-wives, and are too far from these when an emergency hits during childbirth.

Two weeks ago, I moderated a panel for my organization on malaria. Germany is in an election year, and we have an election campaign going on - to ensure that everything possible is done to end extreme poverty and suffering. The report by Save underlines what I said about my own role: As a mother of three, and as a part of this organization, my aim is to do everything possible to end unnecessary and easily preventable deaths and suffering. Looking at where I come from (Finland), where my kids have been born (Germany), and how well we have it, it's the least I can try to do for those elsewhere who are not as lucky. 

The Wonderful Lightness of Being

After sleeping loads last weekend, and turning off my work emails, I managed to get a bit of healthy distance to it all, and have taken it really slow this week - as after two days at work, I have another five days off. It's important not only for re-energizing, but also for refocussing and rebalancing. Work  can suck you into this 24-7 mode so quickly, and even little things suddenly seem critical - and there's never an end to little things! Today, ignoring hayfever season, I spent half of the day with my girls (5.5 and nearly 7) at Berlin's "central park". A friend of ours had asked whether they'd like to join a photoshoot with a former magazine editor who is trying to re-enter the job market after a longer baby break, and needed to build up a photo portfolio. Living in Berlin-Mitte, and having a number of people working in the creative sector in our schools, this is not the first time our kids have been asked to model. I've so far been against it, but this was through a friend (and not for an agency), and for a good cause, plus the girls were for it, as they couldmhang out with a friend. It ended up being a lovely experience. My girls are completely oblivious to clothes or how they look (what a blessing so far), and were not at all self-consious. Nor were they all oohs-and-aahs about dresses or clips. It was all just so natural, without anyone complaining, asking others how they looked, no mirrors, no posing. And as there was a professional fashion photographer (who literally took around 1000+ photos, with that paparazzi snap-snap-snap sound), the photos turned out amazing. It was a lazy day in the park, with a few clothes changes, a massive pizza lunch at a wonderful beer-garden at a lake, three friends playing with each other - and lots of beautiful pictures.

Affirmative Action - pulling down standards

I get quite upset when I read about possible changes to affirmative action in the US, something I wrote about quite a while back. The news is still writing about same case, of a Texan white girl who got rejected from university and the case is now in the Supreme court, and may topple affirmative action in practice. The main argument does not appear to be that of "equal treatment", but lowering of standards. Second comes, oh how empathetic, that minorities this way dont have to drop out of programs with too high standards, which they wouldnt have qualified for in the first case. Now exchange minorities for women, and use these same arguments, and this is reality without affirmative action and quotas. Women lower standards. Women wouldn't make it in the harsh male world (of business, politics, choose your field). Women take up space of more qualified men. Sometimes, these things make me so a-n-g-r-y!

Fly High - and Land Low

Prologue: I hope that all of you have read my first guest blog from yesterday - I'm thrilled to have one, and can't wait to respond. And I hope that this will start a trend, where a few other readers will share their views - and sometimes, as is the case for myself, become more aware of one's views when writing them. The bar here is not high - it's often just 5 minutes of letting out steam, or daydreaming...and believe me, it's a fun process. So please do share your story or thoughts if you like. But before I respond...

I have had a great two weeks, a real ego boost, and so many opportunities to meet new people and learn new things that my head is spinning. I finally got some budget to travel, so I visited some of our key partners and team in London, as well as Brussels. I finally felt like I was offering some real value-added, and felt like I was fitting in better, after some bumpy weeks before. I moderated a really cool panel on malaria for World Malaria Day. At the same time, it all felt surreal: Here I am, not any different from a year ago as a person, in terms of my skills and competencies. But just because I'm affiliated to an organization, so many doors are open, I'm a somebody. It's a wonderful feeling, but also such a huge shame: how all these wonderful, skilled women who work from home are not valued sufficiently by society, not invited to provide all the expertise they have - and they have so much. We need to do something about this.

In any case, I've been flying high, in other words - and it has done my ego wonders. But, as life goes, you fly high to eventually land low. I had one of these experiences yesterday. I had been invited to attend a fancy, small (20-person) work dinner, with one of the main German news anchormen. It was a mixed group of people (fields, gender), but one thing quickly became clear: the elder, German men dominated, and the discussion was one where they spoke with each other, and everyone else was expected to listen. Attempts at interventions were mostly ignored, or sometimes politely quickly skimmed over - just to return to the closed conversation. Over a three-course meal and three hours, my mood deteriorated quickly. There was no openness to find out who the rest of us were, there was absolutely zero interest for what I do (development policy), and worst of all: there was no opportunity to just have smaller-group conversations with other participants. It was a reminder, after all this work thrill, after all this Lean In-thrill: in Germany, at least, it's the older, white, German men who dominate, and the rest of us are: nobodys (at least for them!).

Guest Blog 1 - Thoughts of a working mother!

Thoughts of a working mother!

When a friend recently asked me if I want to write a guest blog for her blog on work-life balance of a working mother, I was suddenly intrigued. I am not much of a writer, however have spent much of my last year complaining about being a full time working mum to most of my friends and it occurred to me that this may give me closure. A bit like not being able to sleep at night and writing down your thoughts, maybe putting my opinion down in this blog my help me accept my situation and just get on with it.  So here goes, even if it just for personal therapeutic reasons.

To give you a bit of background on myself, I am a mother of a wonderful 2 year old boy who I love to bits. Before him I was working in the event industry,  working on one event after another and traveling around the world. I loved my job and was defined by it. Me and my then boyfriend of 10 years  (now husband) decided that it was time for a change and maybe we should try for a family. I had it all planned out ( I plan everything and stick to my plans rigidly). We were going to have one baby and I was going to stay home for a year and then go back to work part time for 3 years before we have another, final baby. I was really looking forward to the change of pace and walking around parks, reading books on park benches while my beautiful baby boy slept peacefully. Then I was going to go back to work half days. Working in the family business would allow me to have the best of both worlds, some adult time with adult responsibilities and some quality time with my child in the afternoon. It was a great plan but sometimes life doesn’t go to plan.

Having just returned to work on a part time basis, my father died and it became very clear that my perfect plan needed amending. I was going to have to go back to work full time.  I must add at this point that I was raised by a nanny while my parents worked hard to give us everything. While I understand that that is the path they chose, I always said that I wanted to do things differently and would not employ a nanny to look after my own child. So off my son went to kindergarten, which he thankfully really enjoys, and off I went to work.

I am  usually in the office by 07:30 am and by then,I have dressed myself and my child, fed him breakfast, gone to the bakery and dropped him off at kindergarten and gotten myself to work. By the time I get to my desk I often feel like a have a full day behind me. When I leave work at 16:00 to pick him up from daycare,  I am usually hedging a plan of what kind of entertainment I can fill the rest of the afternoon with to make up for the time I have not spent with my child. After dinner and bath time, my husband takes him off my hands and handles bedtime, for which I am very thankful.

So its usually 19:00 before I can even think about anything for myself. By this point I have no more energy, all I want is food, a bath and some mind numbing tv. But its not the daily routine that gets to me, it’s the lack of escape. Monday- Friday I am running around trying to catch my tail and on the weekend we are in full family mode : zoo, playground swimming ect. I really miss some me time. I used to go to the gym and look after myself (manicures, pedicures ect) and now I come last….way behind everything else, which basically means it never happens. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change my family for the world, I would just like to read a magazine ONCE in peace. Never happens unless I have to travel for work and that’s a whole other chapter.

Working full time and having a family can be done and I do it, I am just not sure its something to aspire to. I know, how awfully anti-feminist of me, but every time I look at some well groomed, together mother I always think “how does she do it, when does she find time to put on her makeup?”.  My child is now 2, I am past the “I am a new mother so I cant be bothered to get out of my pjs” phase. I want to return to being something like a was before but I cant seem to find the time do to so.  And just when I start to question myself someone usually tells me “oh you mean her? She doesn’t work”…..ah so that’s it then. I am not useless or incapable of doing it all. I am just measuring myself by the wrong people. I guess all the full time working mothers aren’t out and about sitting in cafes looking their best, but probably driving around in their dirty SUV’s trying get their shopping done in 5 mins in a petrol station with a screaming child in tow. So yeah maybe I should just be less hard on myself…eventually it will get easier as my child gets more independent, just in time to have another one….my master plan lives on!

Lean In - Women, Work and Leadership

As a few people who have written about this book by Facebook's COO, mom of two, and feared that it can't live up to the hype - I agree, it fully lives up to the hype. Every woman, man, anyone aspiring to have a career, read this book. I could just quote and nod in agreement with every line. I have hysterical giggling fits reading it. And I have cried. And most importantly, it's an eye opener into constructive thinking - and hopefully action. At 200 pages, it's a quick and easy read. I dsiagree, though, that it's about leadership. Not all of us aspire to lead. Some of us are happy to work at the bottom of the pile, as long as our work is valued, and provides some value - to others but also to us as individuals. Having had my three kids without much "planning" as to how it would fit into my career - and I've has a good one so far anyway. And talking to so many young but also not so young women (latter defined as 35 and up), it's so sad how many are putting off having kids, because of an immense fear they'll not make it at work. We need to think bigger than that next mini-promotion, that next mini-extension of a 6-month contract. That's a never ending cycle, and I've said it to anyone I meet and who asks me for advice on this: just do it. If you're ready to have kid one, two, three or four, do it. Life offers so many different paths to get to where we want, and sometimes having children helps us decide what it is that we want from our careers in the first place. So, read the book. If you don't, I will buy it for you or read it out loud via telephone. Or type it up here, line for line...

Mind the gap - between work and home

London was wonderful. I'm exhausted after three days of meetings (useful, fun!) and chatting with the friend who's place I stayed at (lovely!). It was great to be back there, and I always enjoy these short trips away. It's been quite intensive at work, with lots of new health developments to report on. In the late afternoon, I was reporting on a new vaccine pricing scheme, and then on developments in eradicating polio. Fascinating, exciting and heart-breaking stuff. Then, two hours later, putting my healthy three kids into their snug beds. And thinking about those other kids in the world who are not as healthy, not as lucky. And why I am doing the job that I am doing. I sometimes getmso lost in the "unimportant" details, the things that are not working the way I would like. It's time again and again to concentrate on the big picture. And then it becomes so worthwhile.

Another pro-Berlin reason...

I'm just mapping out how to get from A to B to C to D in London during the next days. I studied in London, and have visited occasionally since, so I know the city fairly well. But I always underestimate the distances - and in particular the traffic and construction on the tube. I've packed my schedule full in order to maximize networking, and am now regretting all those 30 minute meetings I have between South Kensington and Farringdon, and back, and forth.... Another pro-Berlin reason. Hop on my bike and I'm at pretty much any office I need to go to in five minutes. Or I can take a subway or bus, and make it further out in ten - without any traffic or full services. Or a cheap taxi ride if things get tight (well, cheap is relative, but for Europe it's great here). But I'm sure I'll enjoy it nevertheless, although I unfortunately don't have any free time this time around - and London without a stroll through the Tate Modern just won't feel as homely (I lived literally behind the Tate Modern for a year).

Note to Evening Self from Morning Self (post-coffee)

I have two weak points during a day. One is in the morning before I have my coffee. I don't have problems waking up, but boy am I grumpy before my first cup. But after that cup of coffee, everything usually looks pretty good. The day then progresses, things happen - and little things start piling up. Someone says something. Someone else does something. And I'm unable to let go. Things start circling in my head, and come the evening, I have big problems switching off. I manage to spend time with the kids, but once they're in bed, my mind starts circling around the day's events again. And I know I should just switch off, do something different, re-energize. And sleep. Because I know that after that first cup the next day, it's a new day, and all those irrelevant little things that piled up to feel so big are just that - an irrelevant pile that can be ignored.

Ups and Downs - and Frowns

All well in the land of a working mom. I ran from one meeting to another (and biked), and bought some diapers before a meeting, as there was a drugstore right there... The art of hiding a huge diaper bag in another bag... I'm in a better, more balanced mood this week, which is good after the last two weeks.  Ups and downs, in other words. And some frowns. Today I got home to find three kids ready to roll off their dining chairs. I had told the babysitter she can make some fishfingers to go with rice and veggies. She had made all of our fishfingers, and fed a month's supply to our kids. OMG...

Running out of blog steam...

Not unexpected, but nonetheless a bit sad to realize that I haven't had time or energy to write for ten days. Too many emails, twitter, work blogs... and facebook and this blog have suffered as a result. It's been a tough two weeks, with things not quite going the way I had planned. At least the kids have been healthy for a full - whoop whoop - four days! I'm tired, it's weekend, and we are - helping out some friends with babysitting. Today a friend called that their baby was hospitalized and asked whether we could cover their other child. We were both at work, but my husband left early. I would have dropped everything as well if it would have been needed. Another couple we know are ill, so we will be helping with their child. Why? Because, as a parent, you know how essential such help is when times are tough. What are friends for? I will end with a song some of you know, so feel free to sing along: in good times, in bad times, i'll be on your side forever more....that's what friends are for....;) Karaoke time?

Can We Have It All? Yes, we can!

I may not be super succesful, but I think I have a decent CV for my age. I also have three wonderful kids. And a super husband. I have great friends, and can spend some portion of my time doing things that I want to do. I was watching a short 1-minute clip from Oprah Winfrie with Sheryl Sandberg (I had never watched even a second of Oprah before). The clip was about "obviously we can't have it all" (confirming Annemarie Slaughter's point), and I sat there, thinking: come on ("guys"), look at you. And even look at me. We SO DO have it all! We are proof that it is possible to have an interesting career, time to have and spend time with kids, and still have our own lives. Can we have it all on our own? Obviously not, but thanks to daycare, schools, great babysitters and a network of good friends - and ideally a wonderful partner - it's all possible. Fear not to try is our biggest obstacle.  We can't succeed if we don't try. And so far, my own experience is: it works, for everyone involved.

Women at the top - and not

I definitely see myself in the latter category, but that doesn't mean I don't support others - and perhaps even myself - from getting as far as one hopes to get. Funnily, having thought about this issue for so long in my spare time, and having followed the press on these issues like a magnet, I have become an expert on the whos-who of women. Thanks to PC, there's always a frenzy to find women (and other underrepresented people) onto panels etc. I can roll out a list of 20 names for different sectors easily. With less time on my hands, I may unfortunately become less of an expert on this topic. But hopefully, instead of being able to list names from the press, I can start listing people I work with or have met. A couple of you in let's say 5-10 years for sure!

Empty Thoughts

The problem with work is that although I find it energizing physically and mentally, I also find it draining, in particular socially and verbally. I communicate a lot in my job, and have realized that I'm slightly out of power when I meet my friends in my free time - or when I'm writing my blog (which I do more rarely with each week). It's a shame, but hopefully I'll find a better balance again shortly. It's important to stay interested in a variety of things, and people. And to make that time. Work in the Blackberry era (or iPhone, as my company does) tries to gobble you up. I thankfully have my kids that force me to leave the office each evening. It keeps balance and perspective.

On another note, I'm thrilled to see that there's a new filming of Midnight's Children (Rushdie) coming out next week. I can't get enough of good films - or good books, although I'm failing to find good latter ones at the moment. Another film that I'd wanted to watch for years that I managed to catch up on just yesterday: Bergman's Sarabande. If you know the old Bergman films, I recommend. Otherwise it might not make that much sense. Welcome any tips on films and books you may have, as always!

Face Value

I have written quite a few posts about the value of networks. Not only are they useful, but they make office work feel more humane - a computer and a telephone are, well, just that. Our company uses a lot of VC (video conferencing), which is an ok subsitute - if the VC facility would always be available. But, despite the carbon horror, the value of flying around every now and then to meet colleauges face-to-face beats any call or VC. Because such meetings happen in real time, with coffees and lunches, possibly breakfasts and dinners and drinks... There is space, and time, beyond the 30 or 45 minute VC slot to chat. To discover common friends, common interests - to strengthen that network that's so important. Plus, who doesn't want to see some real friends in person....?

Lean In - to what?

Sheryl Sandberg's book is all over the place. I'm putting off reading it, because I read all these amazing quotes from it everywhere, and am worried the book as a whole can't live up to the best-ofs (inclduing from the Economist, quoting Sandberg "the most important career choice in your life will be whom you chose as your partner" - or perhaps it was marry, or husband, I can't recall whether she was that progressive...). But sometimes, after a day with slightly fruitless meetings at work and as a school parent rep (today being one of those days), I wonder what it is that we are supposed to be leaning into. Isnt a better question sometimes whether we should not be trying to make things more interesting, more something-suitable(ish)? It's probably not possible without leaning in first. But patience has never been my greatest strength...

Staying - for love

We're still ill, believe it or not. Runny noses, coughs, but thankfully no fever at the moment. I've managed to work my full days, so I still feel a bit as if I get to be on a tropical island with my feet up (in comparison to being at home). For those of you whom I haven't shared the news with yet: life is good, and it is good right here where we are, at home. Three weeks ago, on the day where we had a buyer for our flat, we put all our plans in reverse, and decided to stay in Berlin. My husband will have to do some (3-day) commuting, but our decision to leave made us realize what we have here. A home. And a good home, in a city that makes life easy. Long story short, I'm happy with this decision. The moving package just didn't add up. Maybe in a year, maybe with another job. But not now. I saw a magnet today in a store I went to: Berlin Liebt Dich. Well, Berlin, I Love You Too.

A video can often say more than I can

I've forwarded this around to some of you, but for the rest, watch 3 minutes that fits in with my own thoughts (and blog ramblings) from the past few months:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=530676213640008&set=vb.100000929017508&type=2&theater

And in the end, think of one of my favorite quotes (from Gandhi).

Sick, sick and sick again

It's probably not surprising that I'm blogging less now that I'm at the office full time. But the real reason is that, out of four weeks at work, the family has been ill for three. Last week everyone except for me had the flu - that was fun. Did I mention that this included the weekends, so that I didn't get any rest? Now my husband is traveling for work (barely on his feet, though), and my youngest two are back at daycare (very snotty, though), and my eldest is still at home with the babysitter with mild fever. And me? I'm at the office, doing what I wanted to do: work. And still enjoying it! If I'd be at home, I would have been at home with one ill child or another for four weeks now. Without a moment of rest. And now? I bike to work (=sport), I have a nice lunch (=not just sandwiches), I meet lots of people (=social life), I get to do a lot of thinking and writing and meetings (=intellectual challenge), and I feel like I'm doing something useful (=purpose), and am valued (=self-worth). And I can go to the bathroom ALL ON MY OWN!

Women - with kids - not at the office

Or at least not full time. Or at least not if the men work full time. Or at least very, very rarely so. In Germany at least. In coherent sentences: I have given my application decision not to mention the kids some thought over the past three weeks at the office. Would they have taken me if I had "come out" then? Answer: 90  percent no. Not because my colleauges are bad people, but simply because a full-time job - requiring some extra hours and dedication to pull it through on such a low salary - is not quite family compatible. I haven't come across many parents (partly because the institution has lots of young employees). I can only afford our babysitter to cover afternoons and a whole bunch of sick days so far (again, as I type this week) because my husband earns well enough to cover parts of this - and the rest of our life! It's really sad. Not for me, because I have my kids.But what about those women who sit at the office, in their prime concieving years, who are giving the issue of children some thought, but see the reality of most jobs these days (and this is an NGO!). There's something so rotten in this whole system, and I am so lucky - and grateful - that I can work anyway, despite all the odds. (Still, let's see how long this works!)

Work hard - play when?

I often think of myself as very protestant in terms of my work ethics: work first, play later. I rarely procrastinate. The problem is that there's always work to do, especially housework, and just lying down happens very rarely as a result. And when I do plan in a treat to relax, it doesn't always happen as planned. For the second weekend in a row, after a tough week with long days plus husband gone three nights, I had planned luxury tasks for the weekend: lots of Jamie Oliver cooking. Well, come the weekend and husband collapses in bed with the flu - and has been there sleeping for 24 hours. What do I do? Jamie Oliver my way through the weekend WITH the kids. Zucchini penne last night, making our own ketchup today, and steaks with roasted potatos with the prior tonight. It's all doable, and even fun. But relaxing? Maybe next weekend...

Lean In - Is it worth it?

Anyone who has read Sanberg's book, let me know how it is!
Is working worth it? Yes, yes, yes. So far, that is.
My friends here are worried about my long hours (for German standards). It came as a bit of a surprise, but it's working well so far, and the kids are dealing well with it - we all are, and I AM.
My career coach commented to my update to her: all well and good, but don't forget that one criteria you set is not met with this job: decent pay (in particular in relation to hours).
But is it worth it to get this boost in self worth, in learning, in meeting new people, in hooefully doing something useful - with my time, skills and wishes?
I'll share some big news next week. No, I did not get a payrise. No, I am so definitely not expecting our fourth child (yet at least...).

Going to Work - Staying at Home - Going to Work...

A wonderful friend of mine with two small children just decided to extend her leave from work for a while longer. She did a short stint back at the office, which worked well, but as she's moving continents twice with the family in the next months, staying at home makes complete sense to me. And although she's an absolutely wonderful mom, she manages what I never did at home: remain really active in life. I somehow felt trapped, restricted, bored. I felt that there was too much routine, too many housewifely burdens, far too little contact with adults, and worst of all: too much time to focus on random, tiny issues.

Who knows how long I will last in this job, or how long my family situation will allow me to. But I do know one thing: I need to keep working somewhere. Or on something. I am not good at being my own boss, having too much time on my hands, and being creative about using my freedom. I can only create quality time - with myself, my kids, people, when it's limited.

Es ist besser so, wie es jetzt ist. But just because this applies to me, it doesn't mean it is the right thing for other people. I wish I could be more content with whatever comes. I still have a long way to go, but thankfully have wonderful friends who teach me so much.

Week Two at Work

Week 1 hurdle of a working mom: youngest is ill for 4 working days with fever.
Week 2 hurdle of a working mom: it's snowing. I don't drive, public transportation would take forever. I bike.
Week 3: as a friend of mine likes saying - and some of you will know who this is - Bring it on!

Brussels - Berlin

I've added myself to a thousand mailing lists for work in order to get a bit of an idea of this international health community in Europe. I received the same invitation for the same event with the head of the Global Fund - but at a different time in two different cities (Brussels and Berlin). The Brussels invitation list had around 150 NGOs. The Berlin one had 7. Sometimes, it's nice to live in this little village called Berlin. I just had the chance to meet, sit at the table with, and talk to one of the most inspiring people in my field. Grateful.

Honeymoon

I say this with every job, but ah, is this lovely! There's so much to learn and read, many new (and old lost) people to meet. Tomorrow I'm meeting the head of the Global Fund, and on Wednesday I'm going to the parliament. With age - and with kids even more so, one learns to enjoy things while they are happening - we know that everything comes to an end, that everything is a phase. Honeymoons don't last forever, but if one is lucky, and has found the love of one's life, it's lovely nonetheless. There's always hope.

Work and Status

It's a strange thing, being back in a permanent job. The strangest part is how some people treat me differently. I don't think it's just that I radiate some more positive and confident aura, but for the simple fact that I may suddenly be useful in some people's view - whereas as a mom or temporary consultant I was not.

I've written about networks before, and that I value these. For me, it's not about someone's position or employment status, but about knowing people personally (and not just via email etc). No matter whether a student, intern or vice president, I'll keep people in my mind and contact lists if they were helpful - and most importantly - friendly. I like mentoring younger people, helping out colleagues - and more than anything appreciate such help that I have received myself in the past years.

But other people treat networks differently. There's an "active" network, which they use when people are in useful positions. And when not, well, then why bother even responding to emails etc. And suddenly, when the person is back in a useful position, it's all "oh hello, long time, was meaning to catch up...". I've experienced a few of these in the past week.

I'm happy to (re-)include them in my professional network. But they sure don't qualify for that more important network: friends.

Working Mom and Lots of Cupcakes

So, I'm back in the world of full-time work (and part-time parenting), and it feels good. My neck aches from sitting all day long, and I have the most horrid headache from my coffee fast (38 days to go, ouch!), but I'm happy.

Family-wise, it's been a horror week, as my youngest was healthy for one (!) full day before getting fever again (no, I don't think it's psychosomatic because I started work, he's really happy and loves our babysitter - plus I don't think he could have realized I was "working" after just one day). My husband has been more than a treasure, and has covered the days, cancelled a two-day business trip (and worked nights!) - just so that I can work (at least for my first week). Our babysitter will cover tomorrow, but if this is the way to go: whoa. Well, it's then not the way to go, because we simply can't afford a 1-on-1 babysitter for full days.

Work has been - and this is what I say during my honeymoon period each time - brilliant. I know to enjoy it while it lasts, when internal politics is still a blur, when everyone tries to be pretty nice, when you happily still cooperate before you realize that there's nothing coming in return, before the learning curve dips and things get less interesting, and....the cynic in me has to stop! So here's the positive side: I've had a great introduction, lots of meetings to get to know people, time to get to speed. And three rounds of cupcakes already: one by me, one by my team for me, and one by a rockstar.

Before the Big Day

Tomorrow I start with my new job, and putting together all the tax and other bureaucratic papers I need to supply for my German contract, I am gritting my teeth about working outside of the "international organization system", where things like taxes do not exist. I'm trying to feel less bogged down by the paper work, and made some muffins to take with for my new colleagues. And myself.

I remember going to my first office job after graduating from university 12 years ago. I worked at a research institute that was at the time located far outside of the city, and no-one had told me that there would be no opportunity to buy food anywhere, or that I should take a packed lunch and water with. What a miserable long day that was.

Now I'll be working in the centre of Berlin. In six months - if I make it that far... - in the centre of Brussels. At least I can grab a sandwich and coffee somewhere close by. My colleagues are young and motivated, and hopefully we fit together. I'm incredibly excited about the subject matter I'm working in (international health policy and development). I think there's a lot of reason to be optimistic.

On the downside, my youngest had the flu last week. He's back on his feet, thankfully, but my second daughter fell ill over the weekend. My eldest was complaining about feeling unwell just before going to bed. Yes, Mr. Murphy, thank you for reminding me that you're there, omnipresent! Rub it in.

Babysitter Brings More than Cake

I'm pretty happy with the babysitter we have found for our three kids for the afternoons. As with any person, she has her strengths and weaknesses. Being older (60) and experienced, she is a pro with caring for and getting to know the kids. They already like her a lot. She is a friendly, intelligent woman. She brings the kids books to read from the library, and has an unlimited supply of bubble soap. She brought cake for the birthday of our youngest - no, two cakes.

There are a few "buts", but I will have to live with some of these buts. However, one of these is causing me a headache, literally. Our babysitter has a cat at home, and my eldest and myself have started having allergy symptoms at home. I've had minor breathing problems a few times in the past week. And suddenly, I realize why. I'm extremely allergic to cat hair.

You can't have it all, right? Wheeze wheeze.

Routines and Change - Good and Evil?

I am the type of person who needs everything to be in good order, and life to be full of routines. I don't always enjoy it, but I usually wake up and go to sleep at the same time, eat pretty much the same things each day, have had the same good friends for decades... Of course some things change, and with different phases in life, have had to change. Sometimes such "forced" change is good: seeing new things, meeting new people, learning about new issues is enriching, and keeps one's eyes open to what is out there in the world. But the unknown is also sometimes scary. And with our forthcoming move, there are many unknown factors - and I as a order-freak find this threatening. Once it all happens, it will all be ok, but right now, I wish everything would already be in place. I wish I could answer the question: Is it all going to be worth it? with a definite yes. I am spiralling into silly stress in my tired moments, such as last night worrying whether our rented home will have a decent fridge (of all things?!) and whether I can live without German bread (serious issue here!). Luxury problems galore, in other words. I.e. time to start working on Monday on global health and development in the poorest parts of Africa, and put some perspective into this situation....

German Family Policy - Again and Again

I will probably stop writing about this topic very soon - in a couple of months when we move away from Germany. But until then, it doesn't stop amazing me and making my blood boil. It is honestly one reason that motivated me in my decision to move. Today's newspaper (SZ) had an editorial that nailed the issue: Germany's family policy is a miserable failure. Maybe this is true for many other countries as well, and I am certain that what I am speaking of are luxury problems compared to the majority of countries (and women) in the world. But the line that "suddenly men's wages skyrocket and at the same time, once women have their first child, their wages become a miserable joke in comparison" rings so true. In comparison, the Economist this week has a special on the "Nordic Supermodel", which includes "equality". If I wrote a post called "Sew Your Own Damned Button On" right when I started blogging, it's soon time to follow up with the "Sew Half of the Kids' Damned Buttons On". Rocky times ahead...

Two Years of Love and Wet Kisses

Our birthday-boy-to-be is lying in my bed with fever. I have decorated the birthday table, and our "Oma" babysitter was an angel and baked two cakes for us for tomorrow. Symbolic for the past year with its many illnesses, tomorrow is also a day to be as grateful as one can possibly be. We have the most wonderful two-year old in our family, who brings us so much joy daily. He has loving parents, and two caring and lovely older sisters. Our boy makes us laugh and sing during our meals. He is generous with very wet kisses for his family, and knows so many wonderful people - family and friends, big and small. He is full of surprises, today nearly making me fall off my chair when I was countimg our usual "one, two, three", and he out of the blue added "four". Weare so blessed to have this child here, with us. I wish every child would be blessed with the opportunities he has: security, healthcare, love, nutrition, education....

Flu Wave - One Down

Compared to my splatter stories from our stomach flu wave a few months back, this current flu wave is less messy, but is hitting Berlin hard. I had to pick up my youngest early today, because he got high fever. There was one (!) child left in his group (and she had alread been ill). Thank heavens for our "Oma" (granny) afternoon caretaker, who picked up the girls, entertained them, cooked their dinner - so that I could care for our sick one. And who did an extra hour with the girls in the evening, so that I could go to physiotherapy and my husband could stay at the sickbed. I am so grateful. Physio was an interesting experience, as a very nice-looking, very very young man explained to me the arts of getting back into shape after giving birth, and gave me a lower back massage....

Kids - Adults Ratio

For three small kids, having two adults around makes life a lot easier. One adult can easily handle two kids: three is a bit of a stretch, especially if one tries to run household chores (cooking etc) at the same time. Especially when the kids get older and start having hobbies / visiting friends, having two sets of feet to pick kids up is a huge help. Where we live in Berlin, literally across from our kindergarden and school, and with friends nearby, I have managed fairly well on my own with this juggle (albeit exhausted). I'm terrified of what happens once we move, when we cannot live within 50 meters from our school, and where there is no late-afternoon coverage for our youngest. And we both work full time. How. On. Earth. Will. We. Organize. This? Sleepless nights galore.

Sexism - in Politics

I was discussing the upcoming Australian election (set for September) with an Australian friend of mine, and she sent me a great video-link afterwards. Julia Gillard, Australia's current Prime Minister, talks about sexist comments made by the opposition leader, and her soon-to-be contestant, Abbot. I have to admit that I don't follow Australian politics other than what is on the pages of the Economist, but this is worth a watch (the first five minutes will give you the idea):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihd7ofrwQX0

Sexism is on the German political radar at the moment as well, as a liberal, elderly, male minister had made comments about a journalist in an interview with her that "she would fill a Dirndl well" (a Dirndl is a traditional German dress that highlights and pushes up your cleavage). There's a lot of media hype on this, but unfortunately ranging from the bland to the lousy - everyone in politics is simply waiting for the noise to calm down and move on.

Sexism was also the theme of a TV series that I've gotten hooked to: Danish "Borgen". We got the first series as a present on DVD, and after a friend of mine was raving about it, I took a look. It's about politics (and a Female Prime Minister) and media, and highlights, among other, gender issues such as the image of high-level women, and balancing work and family as a woman. 

Hannah Arendt Continued

While baking some Apfelstrudel (recipe from the café at the Belvedere in Vienna), and enjoying my last week off (funny how I am only able to enjoy my free time when I know it comes to an end), I have continued to read a biography of Hannah Arendt. For those of you who do not know her, she was one of the great intellectuals from the 20th century, a Jewish German who fled to the US from the nazis, and wrote seminal works on totalitarianism and "the human condition".

A few reflections on Arendt's life:

On gender: The anecdote I mentioned in one of my last posts: Arendt did not want to accept certain invitations to speak publicly or receive prizes if she was the first woman to do so - she did not want to be merited as the "woman recipient", but as the "recipient". I, on the other hand, would be proud of the fact that I would be the first "woman" to break through a glass ceiling (not that I think I will, though) - I would see it as a kind of double honor (i.e. personal and as a role model / precedent).

On work: Arendt did not want to accept "permanent positions" (e.g. as a university lecturer), because she felt drained and restricted in her ability to write and travel this way. She was fortunate to be successful enough to get invitations to do and to afford such a model of "project work". Her idea was that if work (whether manual or administrative) takes up all of your time, you do not have time to "really create". I second this idea.

On being politically active: One of the reasons that I wanted to read more about Arendt is her idea that it is insufficient just to analyze - one also has to try to shape the world. It's reminds me of a Gandhi quote: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world", although Arendt seems to focus more on relationships between people, and how these relationships make society more than just the sum of individuals. My hope is that I can start doing a bit of both: practicing what I think, and having things happen not just in my head (or on my blog!).

Learn to Let Go

Once a week, I have the cleaning lady and afternoon babysitter here at the same time - an absolute luxury, and not a possibility for everyone, so I am very grateful. I would have a few years ago never accepted such "help" - I find it difficult to delegate, pay for, or not feel responsible for things. But having three small children has taught me to accept the help, and realize it is necessary. I'm bed ridden for a few days after carrying my youngest too much over the past two months, as he only now returned to kindergarden after being ill and recovering from a minor operation. Going back to fulltime work in 10 days time, I wonder whether I could still employ a personal shopper and cook? Maybe my job would need to have a slightly higher salary, and maybe I'd have to have my head completely hidden in the clouds. It's important to keep grounded. But it's also sometimes necessary to let go, and drift into these "luxuries" for the sake of one's health and sanity. (Ps Some people have a cleaner-cook-shopper-babysitter in one. It's called an exhausted stay-at-home mom or grandma. I've done the prior enough, I'm ready for the office for a while!)

Fear

I have always liked the idea that when a child is born, a mother and father are born at the same time. As those of you who are parents know, this changes you as a person in many ways. One aspect, at least for me, is that I have learned to fear things. Suddenly, with responsibility for these little beings, there is fear that something may happen to them, or to yourself as the caretaker. I am having many sleepless nights because of this at the moment (again, I have to think of my own mother...). I am worried about giving my children into the care of a "stranger" in the afternoons, when I start working in two weeks. I am worried about finding a new home for us in Brussels that will be safe for all of us, in particular in the years to come when our kids start traveling to and home from school alone. I am worried about a number of issues with my own health, which I usually wouldn't have thought about twice. I know that it is a healthy instinct to be alert, but it's important to stop spirally into anxiety. As a wise woman said last night, it's time to finally go and get a massage that I have a voucher for, and go back to yoga class. This morning this woman unfortunately realized she needs to shop, cook, go to the bank, buy some clothes for the kids...    
Ps Following the Arendt post from yesterday, read a similiar quote from yesterday - 60 years later - by Harvard President in Davos, who was introduced as "Woman President of Harvard" and retorted that she is "President of Harvard, not Woman President of Harvard".

Hannah Arendt Anecdote

Reading Alois Prinz' pretty good biography about Hannah Arendt, I came across a funny anecdote (p.170) which I will freely translate into english: In the 50s Arendt was invited to give the first lecture as a woman at Princeton. In an interview, she is annoyed at a question that implies she was invited because she is a woman. "I don't mind being called Ms Professor (German: Professorin), because I have gotten used to being a woman." She has no problem with her femininity, so Prinz, and does not understand why she should be less feminine just because she is doing something that was traditionally done by men. Hut ab, as they say here in Germany.

I Like Men - Männer - Miehet

In this blog, I write about women and gender issues, but don't that often mention men. This doesn't mean that I don't like men. As I wrote in one of my first posts, I often prefer talking to husbands over wives! Some of my best friends are male. Some of the most inspiring people in the world are men (Mandela, Desmond Tutu, or Gandhi). I'm married to one of the most amazing people in the world, and he's male. I love so many men that my best female friends have chosen to marry. The point: I don't have anything against men per se.

A woman at a party that I went to yesterday said that she's only now becoming interested in women's rights. I retorted that it's because she's pregnant with her first child, but after further discussion, we realized that it's first and foremost the realization that in our careers, in our mid-30s, we are for the first time in our lives hitting glass ceilings (I think one hits these ceilings far earlier, or from the start, in many developing countries). Another friend of mine recently sent me some interesting data on income discrepancy between women with children and without.

A third factor that comes into play is, I believe, something that a man at the party added, and an issue that my husband often talks about when discussing his female colleagues: they are often too complacent. This is the argument that Facebook's Sandberg often uses: it's up to women to push for leadership positions and higher salaries. A "just do it"-mentality instead of "someone else has to do it".

I just signed a contract with the lowest salary I have ever earned. In fear that with my three kids, I can't bargain for more at the moment. Realistically, I don't think I would have been considered for the position that had been budgeted beforehand if I would have gone in with my normal "ask". Sure, it's an "investment" into returning into the game, into the network, and a price for doing a job that I really want to do.

As a woman, with children, facing the competition of (childless) men (and childless women), life is complicated. I probably just think about these issues too much, and make it complicated...  
 

Connections

On my kid-free day, I spent a lovely few hours at a ... kids' birthday party. As any parent knows, when the kids are not your own, it can be very relaxing. And this was a 1-year old's party, with a few small cute kids, and lots of adults. Quite a change from what we have gotten used to, where there are three times or more as many kids than adults, and us adults become a decreasing minority with time, as new siblings join in. It was wonderful to just sit and chat, enjoy coffee and cake, and meet some new people as well. There are so many fascinating people around (especially after having spent two weeks 24/7 with a toddler...), and I ended up making a list of whom I should connect to whom (work-related, art-related, movie-plans). My kids are so lovely, but they feel even lovelier when I have had a short, inspiring breather.

40-day Fast

I have fasted every year before Easter for a long time now, and usually choose to give up what I find most difficult, which is coffee. Some years, I have tried a "good deed" fast, but that's one that I find difficult to carry out in practice. My kids fast "for fun" with me, and I have been pretty impressed at how a 3-year old can already abstain for 40 days from e.g. gummi bears or smarties (think of all those birthday cakes and muffins at kindergarden). We've had some funny fasts when our girls were small, including also tomato juice or eating cars. My husband - after a decade - has joined us, although he often forgets to abstain from his choice after day two. This year, I have decided to go for coffee again. I don't drink much, but my two espressi a day are vital, both for my head physically, to get rid of grumpiness and tiredness, but also because I absolutely love the taste and "ceremony". I was discussing this with the kids yesterday, and my eldest (6) said she would try to be less greedy, but then decided this may be something to try when she's "older". My kids agreed that I should try to raise my voice less with them (very true). But my daughter age 5 was a heartbreaker when she said, based on what we often commend about her character, which is to share and be a kind person to others, that she will try to be "a less kind person". Two weeks to go...to the toughest 40 days of the year.

Travel Insurance - Vital with Kids

With three kids, cheap weekend get-aways with the whole family now cost the equivalent of a really expensive annual vacation for two. The alternatives are to travel alone (which I love doing), or set into motion the grandparents-weekend-caretaker system, which costs the additional travels for grandparents. Most people at this point buy a car. But my friends live all over the globe, I don't drive, and it doesn't really make sense for us inner-city-dwellers to have a car.

We've just accepted that life with small kids becomes very expensive for this reason (and a few more, such as crazily expensive private education). All luxury problems - and problems we have made a conscious choice to have (although if I could choose, all my friends would live right across the street).

Anyone with one, two, three or more kids knows that the real problem about traveling is not the price, but whether you can travel at all. One of the kids or us has been ill constantly over the entire fall and winter. My husband nearly missed our Christmas trip. And our weekend trip to visit lovely friends was just cancelled because my youngest got ill.

Praise to travel insurance. For the next ten or twenty years, we will always click that little box that used to cost more than the flight or travel price itself.

Giving Thanks

When I was younger, I used to find my mother's habit of giving gifts to everyone strange. I grew up in part in Vienna (and in part in Helsinki), and thought that it's just a cultural thing in Vienna to constantly bring wine, chocolates, flowers etc to everyone. Being an extremely stingy person, and also being awful at giving presents, I never really understood the point. That is, until I started understanding that these presents are not just a "pleasant greeting", but a "thanks". A thanks for invitations, dinners, cakes, help, good service, and whatnot else. And not just a "thanks" per se, but for issues and things that cannot always be taken for granted. And that require an effort from most people.

I'm usually happy to do favors for people, and I don't expect a reward. But with increasing age and responsibility for various things (including three kids), I get angry if people don't give thanks in return, or take my help for granted. Help usually involves work, effort and time. It can involve fun, but it can often be draining, come up during a difficult time, or be more than one expected. I have increasingly started realizing this, and increasingly started buying those boxes of chocolates. Those of you who have been helping me during the past months, expect your deliveries soon(ish).

When I started writing this blog, I wrote one entry about becoming your own mother. Well, for the better sometimes, I think.

Women who Inspire

I could write a wonderful list of my friends' names here. But I was thinking about this issue from a slightly different angle today after an artist friend of mine asked me to interview for an audio piece she is working on about women who publicly support each other, and whom I admire. I chose to speak about Graca Machel, Nelson Mandela's current wife, mother of two, and UN expert on the effects of conflict on children, as well as Ngozi Ikonjo-Iweala, Nigerian Finance Minister, mom of four, and former World Bank Managing Director and (unfortunately not chosen) Presidential candidate. Two incredibly powerful, intelligent, and succesful women who do so much great work for  good causes. Who do you admire?

Oma and my Bank Balance

Following my post on What's a good babysitter?, "Oma" (granny in German) may have some high costs (although we love our Omas dearly, all of us probably know what I mean), but they sure do help the bank balance of a working mom. Starting my new job, I will take a tripple loss financially. First, the household tax break loss, which I wrote about a few times. Second, the cost of additional babysitting that I require to cover afternoons. Third, in case of minor illnesses or trips, a significant potential loss for emergency babysitting coverage. (Fourth, I can't run around in my old snotty clothes, so will have to stock up on some decent work clothes again). Poor Omas around the world should be paid zillions for their support - mine are fabulous, willing to fly over in case they are needed (and pay for their trips). (Add-on: I'm sure Opas - granddads - are great as well, but somehow they are less keen volunteers, and enjoy their freedom...)

Wedding Dreams

I sometimes feel old when I realize that it is unlikely that I will ever get married or have kids again (who knows, though). But that's what dreams (and friends!) are for, right? I have a few times dreamt that I have been pregnant again, but last night also dreamt that I was to be married. The same husband, the same in-laws. But, just to be cliché, in my dream I realized I hadn't shaved my legs, and had forgotten to think about tights. I wasn't stressed. And an hour before the church ceremony, I hadn't even started getting dressed or ready (no hair, no shower, nothing), I also realized I hadn't remembered to get a dress either. I continued to be very relaxed in my dream. Either this shows that my priorities have shifted since my wedding 8.5 years ago, or that I have become more relaxed about a lot of issues. Or that I'm a plain old sloppy, exhausted and forgetful mom of three small kids?

When Tired - Do Not Think

Friday evening after an exceptionally exhausting week (operation of and having my youngest at home, running the usual errands) is not a good time to think about whether starting a job is a good idea. It's also not the right time to watch heavy, depressing movies instead. Note to self.
(Self pity trip: the weekend won't be easier, as I am alone with the kids).

Give Me a (Recruiting) Break

One written application, three interviews, one written test, and one telephone conversation later, one of my referees from my CV sent me the referee questionnaire that was sent to her for my job application. She had been brilliant and answered most of it, which probably took her two hours, as she had to dig up my task list and work report, compare these to the required competencies of this new job, and answer several "character" questions.

I am slowly despairing with this process, which has in time and money cost everyone involved around three future annual salaries. Perhaps they plan to recruit me and the next week offer me to run the whole institution?

Decision-making time, please...

Poor Souls

Following the Indian high-profile rape and murder case, the German newspaper I read (SZ) publishes daily short blurbs on new rape cases in India. Today of a seven- and three-year old girl (both died). Sadly, in a few days, the media hype will die out. Devastatingly, the cases continue, day after day, with or without the world taking note. Those stories that have been able to latch on to the hype will also disappear, such as human trafficking reports and condom use from today's paper, which usually don't get coverage. Rape is something I find terrible and terrifying. An industry based on this (human trafficking) is - I am at loss for words what it could be described as. And even the decision by US pornography producers to go against a law that would force "actors" to use condoms (a third of them at least have tested STDs), because it's too much effort (and cost, for an industry that makes heaps of profits) to photoshop - it just makes me a combination of angry and sad (is there a word for this other than the bland "disappointed"?).