Overwhelmed - Emotionally and Physically

I have been slightly more computer-bound in the past days due to work than usual, although the benefits of working at home are to be able to whip up a gingerbread doe, do some grocery shopping and hang up the washing in between, and not have these tasks pile up for when the kids are home or when I want to relax once they're in bed. I'm not usually a huge consumer of computer news (I prefer a good old-fashioned newspaper most days), but as I have had some time while waiting for feedback on my work, I have used this time to swim around in the world of HIV/AIDS in preparation for my interview (Monday), and out of general interest (Note: swim, not sink!).

It has been an overwhelming experience. Not only is there an overload of information being published and broadcasted on the topic prior to World AIDS Day (tomorrow, 1 December), but it is at a time that tries to emotionalize between the "thanks" of thanksgiving and "giving" of Christmas. And it works, at least for me. The numbers are so abstract, so incomprehensible. But the story told e.g. by the South-African "ambassador" of the Elizabeth Glazer Foundation (which aims to eradicate mother-to-child HIV transmission, and at which I'm awfully proud to have a friend working) moved me to tears. A story about a life being HIV+, and losing a daughter and husband to the disease due to unavailable treatment at the time. But a story of hope, as she continues to live (thanks to available and affordable treatment), and has remarried and had two HIV- sons. (On the side, I am increasingly becoming a huge fan of Hilary Clinton, the more I see what she does on these topics such as health and women's rights - I am lagging behind a few friends here).

Sometimes, having a few external pieces fall into place at the right time (this short work project to prepare for the UNAIDS board meeting, this upcoming interview) can be so motivating, so energizing. I hope that I have the energy, intelligence - and luck - to be able to capitalize on this moment.

The Consulting Interview

Anyone who has interviewed with a consultancy knows these types of questions:

-List your five strengths
-List three weaknesses
-Give examples from your past jobs how you utilized / overcame situations related to the above.

These are horrible on-the-spot questions, but with experience, I've gathered quite a repertoire to answer. I'm now answering such questions again, not so much for my upcoming interview, but for a career coach whom I've decided to visit a couple of times.

It's strange to write lists of things you are good at, but don't want to do (Ms brilliant secretary!). It's also lovely to be able to openly voice things that you are not good at, which you would never say at an interview (for me to know, for you not to find out here in such a public space...).

And it's good to realize that I'm no longer starting from scratch. I've muddled through a lot with my career, but have also made very conscious decisions: left jobs and areas I don't like, left teams and colleagues I cannot work with, retrained myself in a field that interests me.

Do I know what I want to do? Yes.
Do I know how I want to do this, and how to get there? Watch this space. For a longish while...

Social Media - or is it Work Media?

How many of you use social media primarily for work? How many of you mix work and personal life, e.g. by sharing personal photos on Facebook also with work colleagues?

I've been giving this issue a bit of thought in the past days, as I was "forced" to sign up with Skype, because the person who wants to interview me for a job requested to do so via this medium (but thankfully switched to scheduling a phone interview after all). As most of you know, I am not a phone person, and will not use Skype for personal calls. I like face-to-face talks, I like writing - I dislike video.

What about Facebook? Here I mix. I primarily use it to share photos of the kids with my friends, but I've increasingly started using Facebook to find out about the work world. I'm slowly - only now - realizing that I need to do the same with Twitter - to be on the receiving end of information.

A few years ago, I "defriended" all my colleagues on Facebook. That is, those that I didn't get along with personally - and whom I felt uncomfortable sharing personal photos with. I had a LinkedIn profile as well for this latter category, but chose not to use this. Life is too short to work with people whom you don't like, if you can choose. Or at least they don't have to enter my cyberworld on top of being a pain in my "real" world, right?

I yesterday read an article (SZ Wirtschaft). It was on different types of bosses (very funny, actually - and I kept thinking that I fall under the category tyrant as a mom...), but one key message was that you should try to keep work relationships professional, and not mix these with your private life. I disagree with this so far, although objectively I guess this makes sense. Work world, private world. Work media, social media...    

If You Can't Do it Properly - Swim or Sink?

This current project I am working on is proving to be quite a logistical challenge. It's my own fault, as I should have started on it weeks prior to having my contract start "officially". I would have then realized that I need to get a proofreader and translator to help me "polish" (from a very rugged standard) my German texts. Well, I realized this all far too late, and it's causing lots of problems, as the only real "asset" I ever have at work the speed at which I deliver. I'm now facing lags of more than 24 hours in delivering minor passages. Not good.

I take my work very seriously, and having kids - and in addition this language challenge this time around - makes me realize that I'm increasingly disappointed in the quality of my work. I never used to have problems with deadlines, and whenever I did deliver, I was pretty satisfied with my results. I guess I'm just out of practice, and need to adjust to these slightly more demanding circumstances. I've been dabbling in the baby pool for too long, it's time to jump into the big pool and join the race properly... Swim or sink...

A Hectic Work Week - but for whom?

So, here I am, back at "work" - for 10 days. I am on a project for the German development agency, preparing the UNAIDS board meeting. It's interesting to dabble in the subject again (health policy), and for the first time in terms of substance (actual technical HIV/AIDS policy, not just the governance side that I have dealt with before, which means how organizations coordinate their work and are set up to deal with the issue).

I realized, though, that deciding to move has been the best decision of this year. Maybe after the one to visit lots of friends - actually definitely in that order. The thing is, this is my first real project in German. I've worked in German before, but have never had to write official papers (ministry-level) in German. Before deciding to move, I decided it's time to learn all the grammar perfectly, to "become" German. Especially with this work, I realize how far away I am from my comfort zone. How much I would have to invest into becoming anything decent professionally in this language. I am not willing to make this investment, and I am so relieved that I do not have to.

Praise to the husband who, on top of organizing my birthday feast, doing everything else, and working a lot on his own job, while traveling around for his job, spends five hours over the weekend to translate and/or correct my text. I have been receiving emails that they need a "slice" of him, or a for him to "train" their own partners. Hm, another "amazing" business idea? I'll take a nice commission, and accompany him as a spouse on training trips to visit friends...

Praise to the Husband

Praise to the husband, who has organized a birthday morning worthy of a queen. I have been pampered, luxuriously so. Thank you. Every woman deserves a husband like mine for birthdays. Think massive flower bouquet, Sacher-cake ordered from Vienna, beautiful presents galore, a thoughtfully written card, candles, singing. And he even organized a little monkey to dance for me when I woke up to all of this. And two little princesses.

Praise also to the husband who during the past weeks has tried his best to do even more than he usually does. Who has taken the kids to school and care on several mornings before rushing to work, who has brought up the paper for me before doing so, who has even taken down the trash before doing all of this. Who volunteers to sleep on the mattress next to our youngest's bed, as we are sleep training him to sleep outside of our bedroom, so that I can sleep properly. Who makes sure he mentions that he has read my blog.

I'm not an easy person to live with. I have demands that are too high. I am very grumpy when tired, and before I have my morning coffee. I'm often tired. I often can't get enough coffee.

I wish I could be more grateful.

Yes I Can!

As my "Yes You Can - Again" hopes have been fulfilled with the election of President Obama, it's time to divert some positive hoping into myself and my own ambitions.

Yesterday's newspaper (Sueddeutsche) had a great article on how working mothers are more burned out than previous generations, because expectations to master multiple roles have risen tremendously, but reality and society have not adjusted to create a supportive framework for women. Women continue to do most of the work in the household and child care, on top of trying to get ahead with their careers. But what about those of us who would like to be burned out not only from one end (family), but also from the other (work)?

During the past months, I have felt like a caged tiger, frustrated with my situation with (lack of) work, feeling weighed down by household tasks. My feelings have ranged somewhere between worthlessness and hopelessness. After deciding that we will soon move to a more favorable work environment, I have felt less anxious. And having started on a bit of project work again (for the German development agency), I today feel happier than in months. Furthermore, I am preparing for an interview for next week.

The reality of being a working mom is tough. One has a severely restricted amount of hours to do one's work, and one never knows which of the kids will fall ill and when. There's dressing, shopping, cooking, playing, putting to sleep - and back to sleep, etc.

But the amount of self-worth, energy and motivation that having a "job" gives - the amount of counter-balance to this "job called parenting" - is indescribable.

Yes I can! (A day at a time, and hopefully for many days to come still).

And yes, there's always enough time to blog. :)

How Politics Can Ruin Friendships

Everyone holds political opinions. Some of us are more vocal about them. Others keep quiet publicly, because politics is always divisive. Not everyone will share your opinion, be it on abortion, religious freedoms, womens' rights, or national self-determination. Even your closest friends may not share your opinions. Silence can save a friendship, open discussion may rip it apart. Was it in the latter case then real friendship? Can one be friends if one's fundamental principles are not in line? In theory, why not? In practice, I'm not sure. These days, with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, I am reminded of a friendship that broke because of politics. Because I was unable to tolerate intolerance. Because I was so fundamentally shocked by the one-sidedness in this conflict, the view of righteousness. There are always two sides, there are always two stories. There may be evil, but there is also a cause to evil deeds, a history behind it. There are innocent children born into this history. There is always a chance to start afresh. To move ahead. To compromise, and to learn tolerance. To believe in a future.

Movie Ad: Lars von Trier's Melancholia

What I love equally much or even a tad bit more than reading a brilliant book is watching a great movie. (I'm currently reading Dave Egger's Zeitoun, about Hurricane Katrina, which is a good read, but far from brilliant - wonder whether my friend J has read and liked this one).

Some of the most powerful childhood memories I have are of watching movies. I guess my parents were rather lax on age control, but before the age of 9, my favorites included "The Last Emperor", "Ghandi", and "Passage to India".

Thanks to the internet, the three small but important reasons that keep me at home many evenings do not keep me from watching great movies (mainly catching up on ones I have missed in the past decade). My latest find was Lars von Trier's Melancholia. I've watched several of his films, although I'm not sure whether I'm ready for the Antichrist (Any tips? Is it very heavy or too brutal?). Melancholia was strange, but very powerful. The main theme is fear of life vs. fear of death.

The pile of books I plan to read keeps growing (next waiting on my desk: Rushdie's biography Joseph Anton), as does the stock of movies I want to watch (next: Haneke's Das Schloss). What a luxury, to have such choices to make!

Stop this Craziness

In 2000, when I started my first masters (in international relations at the LSE), the second infitada started between the Israelis and Palestinians. It was the first time I felt seriously disturbed and slightly obsessed with following a political situation. The current rise in tensions - bombings and very sad death tolls included - reminds me of this feeling, although this time around I also feel that the situation is hopeless and that the stalemate will simply continue.

There is so much poverty, so much hopelessness in Gaza. There is hate. And there is so much fear - and hate - in Israel. I don't believe that it is intrinsic to the people (individual), to the peoples (Israeli/Palestian), or to the religions (Jewish/Muslim). I don't believe that it is an inevitable conclusion to history. Silly, naive or idealistic as it may be, these days when Conductor/Pianist Daniel Baremboim, who tours the world with his Israeli-Palestinian orchestra, turns 70 and this "success story" is constantly being told, there should be hope. But the situation as it currently stands - with separation, segregation, lack of access to development, basic structures, leading to lack of hope - this is simply crazy.

This region needs so much tolerance. So much hope. This current craziness must end.

 

My Friends, My Winners

Here are two more quotes from the book "Back on the Career Track".

The first is dedicated to you-know-who-you-are:

"Surround yourself with winners - with people who you want to become or be like. This doesn't mean only people who are accomplished in material ways, but also those with an approach to life or moral values consistent with yours or worth emulating". Yes, I do mean you, my friends - my winners.

The second is dedicated to a broader group (of women), but also to the above (there's always room for improvement, dears, and many of you will have a good laugh here):

"Give your mind high-quality 'nutrition'. Pay attention to what you read, what you watch on TV, and what you listen to on the radio. Improve the quality of these inputs whenever possible." (both p.33)

(Getting) Back on the Career Track - Main Motivation

The book I mentioned a few posts ago has turned out to be great. So far, "Back on the career track" has covered reasons for wanting to go back to work, insecurities, getting back to pace on the topic, networking, and types of work (full-/part-time, consulting, etc). This is all common-sense stuff, and confirms my own analysis and thoughts of the past months. I'm now just starting on my main "challenge", where I feel most uncertain, which is "support" for the family, i.e. care options and needs for the kids. Although all three of mine are at school / kindergarden, I do not want them to stay  there for the maximum time possible, which is incredibly generous and long in our case (but we pay a lot for this!): from 8 am to 6 pm. More on what I "learn" from these upcoming chapters later, but the starting paragraph hit the point so well, I will quote it here: "'Mom' my children would tell me when I came home, 'you're so much less stressed now that you're working.' In the evening, I was energetic and thrilled to spend time with them...I began to wonder if it wasn't better for them to have an enthusiastic mom in a great mood on evenings and weekends, instead of a stressed-out, not-so-happy mom full-time. My husband had similiar thoughts." (p.139)

Praise and Work

Being in our school's parents' association is a nice pilot phase for work. There are lots of egos, little skill, a great deal of inefficiency, and little thanks. Of course an ideal job would work differently, but these are all factors that remind me of past work experiences I have had at some time or another. It's a decent bunch, and I'm sure we're all working towards the same, valuable goal, which is to make our kids' education better. Did I say "working"? I meant, sitting around every two months in a talk shop for two hours. The preparation, follow up, initiative, organizing, e-mailing, etc is all done by one person currently: yours truly. We are a team of three, heading the parent group, but one person has contributed "ok" to any proposals (better than "no", or?);  the other responds with silence. Which is fine, because I don't mind working alone, and have time for these tasks. But the funny thing is that, at a meeting yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea for us to alternate chairing meetings, and asked one of my colleauges to do the first round. She did a good job, and got a lot of thanks and praise for all the work she has done. Did I say "she"? Did she agree, or thank her colleauges, or divert the praise to the sole source of action? Of course not. She smiled, full of positive feedback, and left the room. This is a good reminder about management skills for those of you managing your staff...

Parenting Tasks - Three Kids, Too Much

At some point during the summer, I wrote about different types of parents. There are the fun ones, the  inspiring ones, and the organizers, the latter category to which I belong. Parenting to me is cuddles and love, but the reality of it is that I am a "chauffeur-cleaner-cook-nail studio-dry cleaner-button sewer-play date organizer", plus for my youngest also a "diaper changer-carrier-bather". These tasks are exhausting, and often very unrewarding (who dares to differ on diaper changes for 6.5 years?). I love moments such as reading for my kids, playing outside with autumn leaves, or watching them draw. But most days, errands and tasks drown me, exhaust me, and take away all my energy and time. It's a difficult balance, and one that my husband - and many other dads I hear about - deal with differently. They have a party, to the horror of the mom who comes home to a full laundry basket, empty fridge, and witch-length nails. I'm not sleeping well due to my youngest (tonight he is being moved away from our bedroom and also bed, as it has gotten to that point past the line of sanity). I'm very tired. I'm not being a very nice person nor parent today.

Jetzt - Now - But it's more complicated...

I had a lovely, delicious, fun and inspiring - and relaxing (kid-free) - weekend in Geneva with four lovely friends. Again and again and again, I am blessed to know such kind, interesting and fun people.

I returned to Berlin to continue to think about my next (career) steps, and (again) realized that it's all so complicated when one is not under immense financial pressure to take the next job and just muddle through. To underscore this realization, today's newspaper (Sueddeutsche) has a supplement (Jetzt - Now) that covers work-life balance. It deals with fundamental questions such as do we work to live (outside of work)? Or do we live to work? It has articles on why part-time work doesn't function in practice (because most part-timers simply cover their full-time jobs in less time - and for significantly less pay, get side-lined in all decision-making, plus have new non-paid jobs such as caring for children or elderly on top of that).

Over-analysis kills every topic. I don't really think that I'll ever be able to solve these problems analytically, not generally - nor even just for myself. There are too many factors, variables, uncertainties. Sure, one can be aware of all of these, and in times when one has time to think and analyze, one may realize things that one doesn't have time to notice when in the midst of the career rat-race. One may have time to go about things "strategically", as my book recommends (see past posts).

But I think it's a bit like making the decision to have (more) kids: There are so many pros and cons, so many factors that are in favor of having them now, later, never, constantly. And at the end of the day, I believe one should just listen to one's gut, forget all the analysis, and once it's done, it's done.

Maybe this is what I should do with my career and next job. Just see an ad and respond to it with my gut instinct, or send out an application to somewhere that inspires me. And stop being so analytical, strategic and analytical. (By the way, I just recently did this. We'll see where it leads me.)

Living Without a Vote

Today, German parliament passed the "hearth premium" that I have written about a couple of times, which grants a monthly payment to parents that do not send their children to kindergarden. The idea is from the centre-right christian democrat party (CDU), which Chancellor Merkel belongs to. I find the bill appalling, and in today's paper (Sueddeutsche) read yet another argument against it: a backlash to integration. Germany has a large immigrant population, much of which lives in "ghettos", and the children of which face significant hurdles in their education, because many of them do not speak German by the time they start first grade. Early childhood education is key to ensuring that they have the correct skill-set and opportunities for their education, and do not face being "downgraded" in the German school system to a lower-tired school level just after four/five years.

Germany has general elections in fall 2013, and the social democrat Chancellor candidate (former finance minister Peer Steinbrück) has stated that he would immediately scrap this hearth premium if elected. He has my vote! Or would, just as Barack Obama would have, if I were entitled to vote.

I love my Finnish nationality. But knowing that I will probably never return their permanently makes me feel disenfranchised. Of course there are so many ways to be politically active beyond voting (think Obama's statement: the work only starts with the vote...), but in a democracy, no vote = no decision-making power. Lobbying to influence other people's decisions is one thing, being able to make a decision yourself is another.

p.s. The career-relaunch book I wrote about a few posts ago is turning out to be a great read. More on that later.

Small Moments II - Beauty of Clothes

Anyone who knows me, knows that dressing up is not one of my pastimes. I have a set of H&M v-neck shirts, cardigans and jeans that lasts me a couple of years, and then gets replaced by the next set. I don't often pay attention to what other people are wearing, am completely ignorant of fads and fashion, and probably find women's magazines rather boring for one reason: they are full of clothing.

This doesn't mean that I don't find some clothes beautiful. Clothes can be like art. But for some reason, I see a point in investing in a painting, but not in a jacket or dress.

In Berlin-Mitte, where we live, we are surrounded by small boutiques. I have never been inside any of them, but enjoy walking past. Two in particular make me wish I could get married again - and make me hope that my daughters may one day - although someone else could foot the bill for these dresses.

Ha Duong is a Vietnamese designer, who makes the most beautiful silk, "draped" dresses.
www.ha-duong.com

And Kaviar Gauche, right opposite our flat, is just very cool (in particular their bridal collections).
www.kaviargauche.com

I just wanted to put those two links out there, just in case...a couple of my friends still need to get married, if not for any other reason, for the party's and dresses sake!

Public Love

What struck me - somewhere between admiration and a cringe - during all of these presidential race speeches were the candidate's declarations of love for their wives. Perhaps it's all election strategy and necessity - think French Sarkozy with his pre-Bruni wife, who campaigned with her while actually in the midst of a divorce. But can one come across authentic with such declarations if they are not meant? Even for such political professionals as Obama and Romney, I doubt it. So I'm a big fan. I frequently do the same, although I am still waiting for my invitation to speak at the Demcratic convention. My husband would never even think of it - even though I think I'd deserve it. Love is such a beautiful thing, why hide it? I hope everyone could live this out, without any fear. Here I'm thinking of Obama's last phrase, "no matter whether straight or gay". Such an important ending to his wonderful speech (watch it!), I felt like declaring from Berlin "Ick bin ein Amerikaner"!

Politics With Children

I have never been a huge fan of people taking their kids with to campaign or demonstrate. I'm also all in favor of providing opportunities for kids to think for themselves, and to make their own choices. My own parents raised me in a very apolitical way (I still do not really know where they stand politically, although I know many of their principles).

My kids had problems falling asleep last night, because they were so excited about the US election result. Because I was, and it catches. My kids today painted little American flags in celebration of Obama's victory, and wore them on their t-shirts. My idea. My eldest (6) has been fully brainwashed to think that Obama is for making the life of poor people better, and Romney wanted to keep rich people rich.

Is it a balanced, informed and independent view that they hold? At the ages of 6.5 and 4.5 (the 1.5 year old does not yet voice any political views). Of course not. It is brainwashing pure by us. Mainly because we have followed the election so closely ourselves, and have talked about it a lot, and don't see a reason to hide this from the kids. It's fascinating stuff!

What is scary is how easily these young kids accept our opinions, catch onto our political passion. Sure, they may and will rebel when they get older. But it makes me think about those kids who get raised in right-wing extremist surroundings. Or any radical surroundings.

Am I being a tolerant parent?

Small Moments - Beauty of Coffee

There are many beautiful things in the world - the main ones for me being family, friends, and nature. I am not a very material person, but certain objects simply make me happy. One is my morning coffee cup. I bought a set of large latte or tea cups from the Finnish (my nationality) design shop iittala (www.iittala.com) when I started a job a few years back that I was really happy to have gotten. The set "Taika" means "magic" in Finnish. The two small ones are from the same store, but by Finnish Arabia (www.arabia.fi), to celebrate Helsinki being the "design capital 2012" (you didn't notice...?). I love these cups, and I love these morning moments.

It's Not Work-Life but Work-Illness Balance

And here we go again. Since starting kindergarden two months ago, my youngest has had his first four (!) stomach flus. He has two older siblings and has had a lot of contact with other kids before, plus I am far from set on over-hygiene. Since September, nearly all of us have caught some of these bugs, at times consecutively, at times together. This means that out of three kids, I have had only a few days where everyone is at care / school at the same time. Work-life or work-family balance is, at the end of the day, work-illness balance. There are always ways to plan for vacations, for extra events at school, for a moment off for your kids. Planning for sudden stomach flus that come and go, wipe our one or all, is impossible. I'm tired and fed up. I know it's a short phase, but please, enough now...

(Getting) Back on the Career Track

A while before I knew we would be moving away from Berlin, I got in touch with a career counsellor   who specializes in the international field and advises students and alumni from my Berlin university. I hadn't used her services before, but thought I'd give it a try now. I'm only meeting her for the first time tomorrow, and my primary questions were on 1) building up a new network as effectively as possible once I move, and 2) work - family balance (i.e. a family and full-time working husband compatible interesting, challenging and well-paying job - yes, you may now laugh). When we talked on the phone and I raised these two topics, the councellor recommended I read a book that was published a few years ago by two Ivy-league graduates and moms. Fresh, second-hand from Texas (for two euros), I am going to give my first ever "life advice" book a try: "Back on the career track". Let's see...

Best Friends - Best Inspiration

Yes, this is yet another post about how I have such amazing friends. But having friends that are truly inspiring is worth celebrating, every day. In Finland, valentine's day is celebrated as friendship day. I'm sure there's a day dedicated to this in the global calendar as well, but I sure have lost any overview with forty different causes for each day. In any case, I just read an email from one of my best friends, whom I have written letters and emails with for two decades, often daily. She is one of the most caring, insightful friends in the world, and such a source of inspiration to me. We are currently both taking care of the kids for most of our day, with husbands that are wonderfully caring dads, but who have busy jobs. My friend wrote about returning to work soon, and how she actually loves being with her kids, despite the unglamorous aspects and moments. I fully agree, and once (and if) I have the cahnce to return to a job, I will agree even more. It is a blessing to have had this time, and although it is so, so, so awfully strenuous (I find), it offers moments that very few jobs could. I just wish coffee would work better wonders, and that I could appreciate the good parts in the here and now more. Cake for all of my friends, you are worth infinity to me.

Each Child is Like a Box of Chocolates

To paraphrase Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, it never ceases to amaze me how children surprise us each and every day. Most days are rather repetitive, although the routines and interests change every now and then. But every day, and each child, offers some incredible moment, in the form of a question, comment, or other development. For example, my girls (nearly 5 and 6 1/2) amaze me nearly every day with their drawings. And my son (my youngest, 1 3/4) is in an absolutely fascinating (at least for me) phase (which I dont recall the girls having gone through), which is that he needs to think about or "talk" and "hear" about where everyone in our family (of 5) is. He starts this most mornings, asking (loud enough for all of us to wake up) where his siblings are (he calls them by name). And just now, putting him to bed (we alternate each night and tonight was my turn with him), he went hysterical, listing everyone's name, going on some kind of overdrive, trying to position everyone. It's pretty powerful, having someone sob and shout through snot and tears all of our names, again and again and again. Family.