Blog Break

Time to pack away the laptop and ipad, and since I don't own a smartphone: offline time starts now.

Merry Christmas! We will be where Santa comes from (Lapland). I so hope to see some aurora borealis (northern lights), it would be a highlight to this wonderful end to a rather tough year. Thank you so much for following my rants, thoughts, worries - and HOPE. I have hugely appreciated all the feedback and support, and hope you all have a relaxing, beautiful break.

What are your wishes for 2013? Write them down, and look at your list occasionally throughout the year. I keep mine in my filofax. I have done so every year for nearly 20 years, and will do so again on the 31st.

It Always Seems Impossible until its Done

(Pre-post news: I was selected for the job!)

The subject-line is a quote by Mandela, and reflects some thoughts I have had over the past days. I realized that this mid-30s time is a time of big choices for women. Many are currently deciding whether to have children, and leave "freedom" and a "safe career". I know that many women are terrified of this decision, as it is life-transforming (just for the better, says someone with three kids). Many women have had a first or even second child, have returned to work, and face the same decision about whether to have a second or third child. But there are also women like me, who have one, two or three children already, and have to decide whether to jump back into the career world (properly). It all seems daunting, scary, perhaps impossible. Until its done. (And here I have an easier choice to make, because unlike the choice to have children, I can just quit a job any time if it feels impossible after all). My advice, also to myself: think less, just do it. We all muddlemthrough somehow.

Job Interviews and Diaper Strategies

I had a third-round interview today, which is a cause for celebration in itself, as anyone who has read this blog for a longer time will understand. This application process - for a rather minor position - has been surprisingly serious. I have for past positions never had a second-round interview, and sometimes had no interview at all. I'm in favor of this way, though, because it gives ample time for both sides to reflect on whether there is a good fit. I've also read about the subject matter much more thoroughly, based on gaps I realized I have had during the first two interview rounds.

Even if I don't get an offer in the end - or decide to decline the offer - this has been a very rewarding experience. I have learned a lot in terms of substance during preparation, I have built up motivation, and most importantly: self-esteem. Thanks go out in particular to those who have taken time to prep me on the topic, and who have been so encouraging and supportive. And thanks to my kids, who keep me grounded. There is nothing more relaxing before an interview than to be busied by your kids - you don't have time to get nervous. And to keep you in the here and now, I recommend some poo nappy changing.

Time to get a job before my youngest is potty-trained?

Allemagne - zero Points

Yesterday's papers: Germany's birth rate is one of the lowest in Europe. In particular educated women decide against having children, because the reality is: career or kids, not both.
Today's paper: Germany comes last of all OECD countries in gender equality for pay differences (22 percent) and pension differences (large fraction of female pensioner poverty). Key factor explaining these differences: women who leave the labour force to have children, or can only re-enter at low-paid part-time jobs.
What is this country doing to its women??? And what are the women in this country doing to themselves??

Equality Day

Did you know that today was (gender) equality Monday? Did you know that such a day even exists? Who took down the trash today? Who cooked? Who comforted the ill child in the night? Who bought supplies for the kids? Here, in our Berlin home, we have been once again been model parents in burden-sharing all tasks. But who earned all the money and paid the bills today? Who stayed at home because of an ill child? There's a long way to go for equality. The small things are key. The big things are still locked locks that require bigger, much bigger keys.

Trust in officials - post-shooting

To add to my last post, post-tragic and horrendous elementary school shooting in the US, an American neighbour of mine illustrated to the point what I don't understand: In the US, most people only feel safe with a gun. What would have saved those children? Another gun, in the hands of e.g. a teacher? I then read in Salman Rushdie's biography "Joseph Anton", how he declined shooting training and a gun for self-defense during his fatwa years and states the following: "if he owned a gun and the bad guys were to attack it would be taken from him and turned against him." Guns cause death, they rarely defend. I hope - but am hopeless - that US policy on this would change.

Trust - in officials

I come from a country (Finland) that is one of the least corrupt in the world. We are also one of the only nations who have a positive image of the police. Even in Germany, many people see the police as somehow fascist (maybe to some extent correctly, as there are connections to the neo-nazi scene and even the klu-klux-clan). In the past days, I have been appalled at some news on corruption from around the world. Yesterday, Argentine's courts found not guilty a gang of known forced prostituters (i.e. who kidnap and force people - mainly women and young girls - into prostitution). A mother who had lost her daughter (who herself had a two-year old) and had never found her lead this struggle on behalf of several hundred other cases. I sometimes think I am too naive for this world.

Tweet Tweet - There's a New World Out There

I am extremely slow to catch onto new technological developments. For example, I had never looked at a blog before starting one myself. I only joined Facebook years after it started. I have joined Skype only very recently, and for a work-related reason. I had never, ever thought I would join Twitter. But I did. Because some friends convinced me that it is an amazing source of information. And it is. I can't believe I didn't join earlier.

Tweet. Tweet.

Salary Expectations

Salary expectations are U-shaped along time among quite a few of my friends. Many of us started off after our studies thinking we'd work in rather high-paying consultancies or banks. We realized we want to do something different, and took some salary cuts into account. And ten years on, want to earn what we think is a fair salary. But what is fair? It's such a random issue, and there are so many factors that come into play. What do our partners earn? What do we want to earn? And right now, an issue I may face: what can I even ask for? What am I "worth"?

Work or Mom - And I Thought Germany is Backward

IMF's Christine Lagarde (whom I still find extremely cool) recently criticized Japan for pushing its highly-qualified women to stay home after giving birth. 70% of all women leave the workforce when they have children. And the 1 out of 4 that do return to work do not have it easy: they can only do so if grandparents are willing to take over childcare (as there is a huge shortage of kindergarten places), if their employers are willing to take them back (most are not, so nearly all working moms are employed by international companies), and as working hours and commutes are long, they rarely see their children during the week.

What a waste! Not only is Japan the fastest aging society, and nearing the pension cliff at a drastic pace (where the workforce will be unable to pay for pensions of the elder generation). But Japan could add 5 GDP points to its growth if more women would be able to work.

And here I am, in Germany, thinking this place is backward.

Any ideas for action? I today posted on Facebook Ghandi's quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world". How about that as a start?

Follow-Up on Hide Thy Kids

A snap-shot from my interview yesterday:

Q: "So, tell us something about yourself, something important that does not show up on your CV?"

Me thinking: Kids, kids, kids. Mother of three. Mother of three. My family life, my being, what makes me happy, what makes me a more balanced, inspired person.

I should have answered that. I didn't. Shame on me!

Hide Thy Children

I am today preparing for a job interview, trying to catch up on the substance as well as some upcoming events in my field (international HIV/AIDS development). But mostly, I am trying to ramp up my excitement and motivation for the interview.

Six weeks after I had my third child, I was told by my employer that I would not be able to return to work after my planned maternity leave. Because I was working as a contractor and didn't have a permanent contract, I had no leverage to argue against this decision. I was lucky to find some project work soon afterwards, and rejoin the field I had wanted to work in since specializing in it, so it all worked out for the best then.

However, my first reaction after this news was panic. I had a tiny baby, had just bought property and was moving two weeks later, and was utterly overwhelmed. I got in contact with a woman working in my field, who invited me to an interview. I was sleeping stretches of 1 - 1.5 hours, breastfeeding constantly throughout the day and night. I had to take my baby with me to the interview, because he was having a live-on-the-breast-phase. I interviewed with a baby on my breast - which was fine. But I was so exhausted, I would mid-way through my answers forget what the question had been. It was quite hilarious, actually. Surprisingly, I didn't get a job there...

Being a working mom means that these two worlds are very close, and sometimes are forced to mix. But right now, I am trying to build up the "worker" in me, and appear professional. I for the second time in my career have not mentioned my kids (the first time was to acquire my last project). I find this the saddest aspect of trying to get a job: I have to hide a side to myself that I am so proud of, that so determines who I am. But also "limits" my flexibility, dedication, and hours in practice from the perspective of a future employer. There's something that needs to happen here, in society, in the workplace. A "working mom" should be valued just as much as a "working dad".

All Men - and Many Women - Still Have a Long Way to Go

First of all, thank you so much for the feedback and comments on the blog. I appreciate it immensely! I am not surprised that some of my closest friends share many of the same opinions I do. I wonder about those who are critical about what I write. My views should not come as a surprise to my friends, though.

A friend of mine from Sweden agreed that I share part of an email she sent to me. It's incredibly insightful, and slightly depressing, so please read:

Found out today that another mum who had planned to go back to work in January isn't - because "it didn't work out with her husband's job". Of the 4 mums I've met who were going to go back to work in jan I'm now the only one going through with it. One has quit her job, one is going back in August and the other has just put it off by a month. Shows how hard it is to change behaviours even in a place like Sweden where all the support is in place to enable gender equality in the family... We had a discussion in my parent group today and I found it quite hard to argue the gender equality line when the people who are staying home most of the time say: "I can't believe nowadays people make you feel bad for wanting to stay home with your child" (and these are all women with full time jobs!) . Feels like the line - "In order to contribute towards greater income equality and overall gender equality in society we need to start splitting the care of our children more evenly - what about your husbands why aren't they staying home?" - isn't really going to hit home with those people. I guess I should've said something like - maybe it's good for the baby to spend some more time with his dad too? And vice versa for dad. - but didn't come up with that line at the time! Think I need to prepare my lines for the future cos I really do want to contribute to the debate and not just stay silent. What do you normally say when these discussions come up (or maybe they don't come up in Germany so much?!).

This is the same friend I mentioned in a blog a few months ago, who is indeed returning to work, and where the father is going on parental leave soon. Another friend's husband has just done the same in the US. A third in Cambodia. My husband took parental leave for a year after our second child was born, while I worked. Maybe it's happening to my closest circle of friends for a reason: we are close because we share the same values and ideals, and one of these is that fathers should be active parents, should allow for us to get our foot back in the work world (even if it comes at a price of their own careers), and we have married (or are partners) to these people because we expect them to want to have children in order to spend TIME with these children.

Who on Earth Wants to Work in an Office?

Sure, it has its upsides, such as interaction with colleagues (if they are nice, there, and you are on talking terms!). You may find out more information, or gossip (or waste your time listening to bad quality versions of both). But when there's not that much going on, the luxury to pop out to the hairdressers, read the newspaper (or as I did today, combine the two), get the groceries on the way back, email about school issues and craft school christmas party decorations with a good conscience, and without the fear of having your boss peep over your shoulder while doing so - it is worth a lot! Simply because, as those of us who have small kids know, you can forget doing all of this when your children are around, and you rarely have the energy or opportunity to get everything done in the evenings once the kids are asleep. Praised be the possibility to multi-task during working hours!

Mobile Devices - The Best Working Mom Accessory

Working freelance often means you work flexible, weird hours. Thanks to the internet, you also work in weird locations, and thanks to mobile devices, weird situations. I have had a horror week and weekend, with a project to do, an interview to prepare for and a) husband gone 6/7 days, b) toddler ill for the last 4. Thanks to my laptop and the iPad (I don't have a smart phone, but should if this continues), I have multitasked more than ever before these past days. Today, my son finally slept properly (the past days he just complained and I carried him around), and took full advantage of it. The problem is, he fell asleep on my arm. I was too worried to wake him up by laying him down, so I decided to alternate between preparing for tonight's interview and resting. The best of all worlds. I felt like I got my rest, was there for my sick son, and still caught up on developments at all relevant health organizations. Without my ipad, I would have done either/or, sacrificing my rest to sit at a computer, and risking that my son doesn't sleep at all - or resting myself, feeling anxious that I'm not prepared. My interview (first round) went well, thanks to those who helped and supported me!

My Spine - My Kids

After three days of carrying a sick toddler around, 12 hours, and sitting up next to his bed every five minutes, the other 12 hours, I declare my spine rather crooked.

When I travel for the weekend, my husband has a ball with the kids - outings, restaurants, cafes and all. And the one time he's away for the weekend, I have sleet, a toddler with 40 fever, and two girls to entertain. Oh, did I mention work to do in the evenings, which I didn't get done, because if you add up the 12 and 12, I didn't have even three minutes for myself during the past three days.

But nothing, nothing, nothing beats the feeling of having this warm, little creature sleep in my arms, because he feels bad but knows that I am there. And we had a blast nonetheless, with Christmas cake and cookies, cinnamon roles, dancing, singing and reading - and lots and lots of drawing and crafting.

Sometimes, when you just have to function - and not achieve - life is filled with simplicity and ease.