Snot

Some days, when my youngest has a cold, I feel like I am a walking snot painting. I made the mistake of wearing a black skirt today. It's more leopard patterned by the end of the day, as I am not always quick enough to wipe a very runny nose before being ambushed. In addition, I wear a new white tattoo pattern on my arms mornings and evenings, following the battle with the toothbrush. My leather shoes are ruined thanks to the sand pit, and I yesterday found a toy train in my handbag. Very chic.

Routines Gone Wrong

A friend of mine a few days ago told me about some horror evenings trying to put her 2-year old son to sleep. She's a single mom, so I have double sympathy when someone doesn't have any own time left in the evening due to children. A familiar story: the son had gotten used to falling asleep in his mom's bed, with his mom lying next to him. And now he needed her to hug him. After three hours of trying, she just gave up, and they ended up watching soccer together. I have heard similar stories from other friends.

We thankfully have a very rigorous and successful evening routine, so on nearly all nights, all kids are in bed and asleep at 8 pm. But we have other routines gone seriously wrong, such as the following:

In the mornings, the girls need to leave the house at around 8.30 am to get to kindergarden on time. My husband needs to get to work. As all kids get up very early, we're not pressed for time. This is part of the problem, as there's too much "play time", and getting ready to go somehow gets lost in this. I expect the girls to dress themselves, brush their hair and teeth, and make their beds. They can do - and do all of this. However, our "routine" has gone seriously wrong in that there's no clear schedule or timeline for the girls to get these things done, which means that I am constantly reminding them to get their tasks done.

There's a point with every routine gone wrong where it doesn't feel good for any one, and doesn't make sense. That's the point to decide - together - on new rules, so that there's more harmony and everyone knows what is expected of them. Time to try something different.

I wish breaking my "own" routines gone wrong would feel as clear and easy.

One Family, Two Cities

My eldest yesterday celebrated her 6th with 5 other kindergarden kids who turned 6 within two weeks. We invited the entire group, including siblings and parents, and a few old kindergarden friends. It was a good chance to talk to parents of our "new" group (we joined last fall), as well as catch up with some of the old ones. A common story: the husband spends most of his working week in another city. I guess this is common in smaller places, but also in Berlin, where it's not easy to find a job. In effect, these moms are single moms with a family, including husband - I bet there is a wonderful term or acronym for this already somewhere out there. All of these moms are very tough, inspiring women, who manage a job and the kids alone during the week. It's something I dont think I could do - and more importantly want to do. Not everyone has a (financial) choice, though. For those who do: is it wanting too much of everything? A family, a good job, a city of choice...Or is it just another example of muddling through: initially a temporary solution becomes permanent.

Appreciate what you have

My husband often tells me that I complain a lot. It is true. I often see what is lacking, and not what is there. Things have improved with the years, though, at least in a way that I think that my glass is very full in terms of the big things in life: family, friends, health of the prior. From a struggling teenager, I think I have come a long way. But there is still a long way to go, in particular in terms of finding appreciation for what I "do". And for all the little things happening around me, including the little things that others do. Especially when tired (which one often is with three small kids), I find myself reverting into old patterns of behaviour and thought that I thought I had moved on from. This is the finding of a common study: parents of small children are on average more content with their life overall than those without kids, but less content in the present moment.

Women Cant Have it All

I have been thinking about Anne-Marie Slaughters article, titled Women Cant Have It All. It has gone around facebook at the speed of light, which is unusual for an article that is 6 pages long. If you havent read it, read it - it's more than I could ever manage in my blog on this topic, but I share most of her conclusions and analysis. I have many thoughts to share following her text, but it would be nice to hear what others think as well. I have already read a few impotant insights from some friends, but would love to hear more. Ok, I confess that I am postponing my own analysis because I want to watch the Germany-Greece soccer game, which just started...

15 Years of Togertherness

I love many of my friends to bits, but often wonder whether this would be the case if I'd live with them. As years and decades pass, certain aspects of a particular friendship are more at the forefront: With one friend, I love to catch up on good books, with another on life as a struggling employee, with a third I analyse my relationship... Today, 15 years ago, I met my husband. I love him to bits as well, but I admit that it's all a bit more complicated than my other friendships. There are responsibilities we share, burdens that - well burden us, daily routines that have to be managed. Is it worth it? Of course!

Those who are worse off

UNICEF today sent me a leaflet to encourage me to donate again, and I used the opportunity to read some of the stories to the girls. It's a harsh world for many children, and I want my kids to be aware of how privileged they are, and try to encourage them to feel that they can make a difference for the better for other people who are not so lucky. One thing I try to teach them is to give thanks, to appreciate the things we have, and not always to want more.

It's difficult for anyone living in our developed society not to dream of luxuries, often unnecessary ones, even detrimental ones. And it's difficult to always compare yourself to those who are worse off - it's easier to see what one lacks compared to those who are better off.

Today's Spiegel online (a weekly German magazine's online portal) had an article about a man who had escaped a North Korean torture camp after 20 years. I didn't even start to read the story. I did, however, just try to watch Steve McQueen's film "Hunger". It's about IRA prisoners who try to obtain a status as political prisoners, and the trials and tribulations they go through in prison. I managed to watch a third. It was the most grotesque, gruesome film I think I have ever watched. I had to think about all the articles and pictures I have seen about torture, which all remain so abstract, so palatable and censored for the general public.

I am at a loss for words.

24 Hours Isn't Enough

Before I had kids, I used to sleep loads. It wasn't uncommon that I would sleep 9, sometimes even 10 hours a night. I'm down to around 7, often closer to 6. And this is when all of my kids are sleeping through most of the nights.

Why do I sleep so much less? It's pretty simple. My kids go to bed quite early (8 pm), but that means that they also wake up quite early (two of them tend towards 6 am, my eldest towards 7 am). With small kids, that means that I also wake up early. 7 days a week, most days of the year.

When I had work, I would often work once the kids were in bed (otherwise I wouldn't have managed to fit my work into my day), and then still take some own time, if there was any left. Now that I spend a lot more time "at home", I feel like I need to counterbalance this "kids time" with some "own time" in the evening - and there's a lot to balance.

I think one of the most common exclamations to be heard in the evenings at our home is: "Oh no, is it again already that late?" Which means that "Until 5.50 am when our youngest wakes up, there's not enough time to sleep!"

Oh, and all those nights when one of the kids, if not two, are ill or have nightmares, or pee in their beds, or when one is troubled by some own thoughts and can't sleep, or stays at a party for too long... And this after the horror months of breastfeeding every 1.5 hours a night.

Pat yourself on your back if you belong to this group. This is a tough job, with an incredible amount of extra hours. You deserve respect and a thank you. And a lot of sleep - later.

6 Years of Motherhood

My eldest today turned 6. It feels like a surreal time - only, or already? I feel like she's been around forever, but on the other hand she's still - only 6. I unfortunately missed most of the festivities, as my system didnt deal well with some medicine I was prescribed last week. Plain noodles for dinner, after everyone feasted on chocolate cake and grilled meats. Now I just need to sleep.

Ideal Moments

What is your picture of ideal? A scene that you are a part of, perhaps involving a specific location, people, sounds, or tastes? Close your eyes and take a bief moment to visualize this moment... I do this a lot at this time of the year, the reason being that at around mid-summer, one of my favorite scenes takes place - but I am not in reality a part of it. The Scandinavians among you will know it: a simple summer cottage in the middle of nowhere, with the next neighbours out of sight. An earthen path, criss-crossed by tree roots, big slabs of rocks and small pebbles, leading to a sauna building on a lake, with a wooden pier and a simple ladder at its end. Grilled sausages, a cold beer bottle, and sitting on a sauna porch after the sauna and a dip in the cold lake, wrapped up in a towel. Around the lake, large bonfires being lit as it slowly gets slightly darker - but it does not get dark. I wish I could share this moment with some of my friends. Here's a picture in words instead (for now).

Goo Goo Gaa Gaa

One of the toughest aspects about being a stay-at-home mom, in my view, is not only that one is rarely intellectually active, but that one's daily discussions may be on the level of "goo goo gaa gaa". On some days, I simply run errands and spend time with my youngest, then pick up the girls, and that's about it. If my husband is still in working mode once the kids are in bed, this means that my conversation with adults may include brief exchanges with the baker, some random parent at the park, and my kids - most of the time being with my youngest, who does not speak in sentences yet. When the input to my ears is at the level of "banana" (16 months), a short story about a playground slide (4 year old) and on the newest favorite friend (nearly 6 year old), and my own output includes a lot of "no, do not throw the water on the table" (16 month), "dont forget to wash your hands" (4 years) and "yes, you can go up to play with the neighbour" (6 years) - honestly, it gets a bit mind-numbing. I wouldn't want to miss the stories my kids tell me, nor all the new words my youngest learns every day. But - a bit of a healthy balance would not hurt...

Is the Grass Greener and Value for Money

We have two big projects at the moment (aside from three projects between the ages 16 months and 6 years next Sunday): schools and houses. Before we started expecting our third child, we bought a flat in the centre of Berlin. A perfectly nice flat, with a nice bilingual school across the street. Last spring, we moved and last fall, our girls started at the kindergarden of this school. But, as life goes, things didnt quite go as expected. Suddenly there were 5 of us. The flat will be too small in a few years, when the kids are bigger. A new building was constucted to obstruct our previously nice view. And worst of all, our school decided to raise their prices (rather radically), and it looks like they will keep increasing them in the years to come. We love our area, but as the schools here (public and private) are completely oversubsribed, and as flat prices are rising 16 percent per year, we're considering another move. Hence we are joining the rat race again: where to find an affordable place to live, with a good school nearby? Without school-aged kids, no such worries. With kids, the equation called life starts to include a high number of variables. It's important, I find, to stick to the essentials, so here is my equation: Well-being of family as a whole = proximity of school/work/friends/playdates + affordability + proximity of at least five great cafes ;)

Monster Jobs

When looking for a job, never look on Monster (unless you are a software developer or engineer). This has been my rule for a decade. I break it every time I'm looking for a job, and the result is depressing.

Before having kids, the conclusion was always that I should have done what my father recommended I do: become an engineer.

After having kids, the conclusion is that I need to become a student again, because any part-time job is a "student job" or "internship" (i.e. miserably paid, if at all, and usually completely uninteresting).

A friend of mine just recommended I apply for jobs that interest me, no matter where they are located and what the conditions are. The benefit is that I may be able to negotiate some kind of Berlin-based consultancy if they accept me, that I could travel to cities I have friends in, and network. I guess this is a much more constructive idea than looking through Berlin-based organizations (which have zero on offer at the moment, and I have done), or having my optimism eaten up by Monster...

I welcome any other ideas!

The Terrible Ones

Any parent knows that the "terrible twos" is a comforting illusion. (For those not aware of this term, think screaming brat lying on the supermarket floor, and imagine this scene around a dozen times a day on average.) The reality, as everyone knows is that the twos also lasts into the threes. More tears, snot, and battle of the wills ("No, you will not sit at the table after deliberately throwing the noodles with tomato sauce across the table, for the sixth time!") Some lucky parents do not experience these phases. Others let their kids wrap them around their fingers in order to avoid them. The rest of us grit their teeth, raise their voices, wipe snot and tears, think of the neighbours listening to the screaming, and keep up the battle. Our kids have started with their terribles at around the age of 1.5 years. My youngest is full into the phase. He's 16 months old, and early with every development. Testing, testing, testing (what our rules are, but mainly testing for my nerves...). Terrible as it is, I think we see the rewards with our older girls (4.5 and nearly 6 years). They sure test a lot, but they also know what a no from us means. Between our youngest's end of terribles and the start of our eldest's teeny years, we will hopefully experience a few years of harmony...?

Mentors and Alpha Mentees

I was at yet another university reunion a short while back. The outgoing chairman of the board, a pretty unpleasant alpha animal, held a long speech, one aspect of which struck me as important: mentors are hugely important to career advancement. Someone "up there" (unfortunately not in the religous sense) needs to believe in you, and open doors to you higher up in the hierarchy that you can otherwise keep knocking on until you retire. A mentor can also ensure that you can pursue relevant and increasingly important tasks, help expand your network, and be a role model in many senses. To go back to one aspect in my last post, I think a mentor can play a huge role in sustaining a long learning curve and motivation in one's work. The big question is, of course, how to find a mentor? This person needs to be sufficiently high up in the ranks or well connected to be able to help and be an example. And they need to believe in you. And how will someone believe in you? If you honestly believe in yourself - something very alpha and hence not that natural to us women...but essential.

Job Specialization = Job Boredom?

Economists, management theorists and those who follow globalization debates are familiar with the term "division of labor". The idea behind the concept is that the economy as a whole greatly benefits when people/groups/countries specialize in what they are productive in - and then trade goods and services.

I have in the past days been giving a lot of thought to this concept, and to whether I like it. We've all heard of the frustrated surgeon, who performs the same operation ten times a day, day after day, year after year. Specialization may be beneficial for the economy, customers, and patients, as the quality of goods and services improves - but what happens to the provider?

The optimistic view is that the provider constantly improves his services, in order to keep a competitive edge. Or he manages to re-train or morph into doing something different. This makes sense for companies or countries. Think of the Finnish firm Nokia, starting out with wellingtons, and becoming a successful mobile handset producer - and now struggling for its survival because it did not adapt to new competitors fast enough. Or think of countries which are scolded for relying on "old fashioned" industry, when they should be moving into more productive service provision.

But what about individuals? On the one hand, we are encouraged to specialize through our education and careers, become the "indispensable" expert in X, Y, or Z. On the other, we are expected to adapt to circumstances, when X is suddenly no longer needed. For every new job, we rummage through our CVs to find the "specialization" that we can use to prove our fit.

What I am most interested in is what specialization does to motivation. What if, such as is my case, one has many very diverse interests and, on top of that, quickly bores of one subject matter or task? Here the learning curve and resulting motivation are key.

A lot more to think about and explore on this matter.

I Love My Job!

I have occasionally but rarely proclaimed that i love my job. I think the only job I really loved so far was at the Bank, but that as well only for the first few months, before personnel changes made me wish I could go back in time. Yestreday, I talked to a mom of two and what she said seems to reflect the situation of most working moms I know (including myself): we muddle through. The woman I talked to had taken a new job after her second child was born, just to get her foot into the job market again. Four years later, she has decided she has muddled through enough in something she does not enjoy, and is hoping to figure out what would be interesting but also compatible with taking care of the kids (her husband works long hours). Sounds familiar. I guess my new "strategy" on this is to first find an interesting job, get accepted, and then start worrying about how to deal with the logistics with kids. Approaching it the other way around, which I had been doing during the past months, makes things seem impossible. I'm not much further in the process in practice, but this change in mindframe has been a huge difference to my wellbeing. There is hope.

Working Mom - the movie

So, dear working moms who recommended I watch the movie Working Mom (with Sarah Jessica Parker). It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. But oh-so-true.