Marry the Money

A friend of mine, who has three kids the same age as mine and a husband who works similiar hours, recently said to me that we should be happy that we've married men who earn enough to grant us the freedom to create careers we want - also badly paying ones. I understand her viewpoint in principle, but... A long list of buts: What if something goes wrong in our relationship? What if one doesnt feel equally valued? What if one needs to ask for money each month? What about pensions? What about always being the one who has to be flexible when kids are ill, there are errands to run, etc? I guess I should just accept reality as it currently is, and seen postively, make the best out of it. But I cant. I dont feel comfortable with such a hugely imbalanced constellation. Can one be truly happy with such inequality within the household? At either end of the scale?

Hate for Berlin

The downside of this city, as any foreigner who lives here knows, is German bureaucracy. Take Finland as a counter-example. I can take care of every bureaucratic issue online, the Finnish tax office sends me a pre-filled tax form each year (which I can ignore if there are no changes to be made), and when I move, I only need to inform one agency - which informs all other institutions, including the post and banks.

I have for the past two months been trying to find out how to renew my UK/EU drivers' license here. It ran out a while back, and I didn't notice (I don't drive, but would like to have a license in case I do). I can't renew it in the UK, because I don't live there, but when I called the German license agency, and went to the agency (in person), they were lost. A UK license for someone who has a Finnish passport, was born in Austria, and resides in Germany. I was told to come back later...and just try again with someone else.

I had a similar experience last year, when I was not allowed to take part in a practical sailing test, because my "exemption document" (German) on my driving license (UK) became invalid a few days before the test (and only the agency knew this, because they do not hand over the exemption document). My theoretical test (600 questions!) therefore became invalid.

Why do I live here? Because it's nice enough to bike and walk, and the public transportation is good enough... ;)

Love for Berlin

When I moved to Berlin in 2003, I was fascinated by a city that had been hard hit during the Second World War, let run to ruins during the GDR, and experiencing a modernization and renovation boom since unification in 1989. Back then, I bought two photo essays, picturing the same location in three different eras. Palaces and turn-of-the-century (19th to 20th) buildings, then destroyed by bombs, then left as free parking lots of demolished to make place for Soviet-style and size highrises, then painted and fitted with balconies, with trees planted, and fancy facades renovated. Today I bought a second book picturing the changes in our own area (Mitte and Prenzlauer Berg). The fascinating thing is that the biggest change is not from 1989 to now, but from 2005 or so onwards. Inside the buildings, a lot changed before 2005 (most buildings in our area had coal ovens, shared toilets, and some even didnt have running water!). But the facades and emoty plots have been finished only in the past two or three years. A quick look at google.earth shows this - just on our street, there are still dozens of free plots of land left in the photo. These are ALL gone now. It is a fascinating, amazing city, and it feels a bit like watching a child grow up. Wasnt it just yesterday....?

No Gray Hairs in the Job Market

In the past week, I had two encounters that made me think about age in the job market, and how having kids influences this.

When I first came to Germany in 2001, after having completed a masters degree in London, I was 21. My young age was seen as a liability in many of my first job interviews, and the interviewers explicitly stated this. In the first years when I was working, I wondered whether I just have to sit things out, until I am old enough to be taken seriously here. Two years ago, I was told that for a senior job in my field, my counterparts expected a "few more gray hairs" (I do not have any). It seems like ten years later, I was still considered too young.

To be completely self-critical, I think I just never managed to climb the promotion ladder, for whatever reasons. Too young, too impatient, too eager to try new things.

And suddenly, I realize that the people I'm competing for jobs to re-enter the job market are very much younger than me. Not just a year or two, but even six or seven.

I am still glad to have had my kids very early, and to be in this situation in my early 30s. For Germany, this is still an age when you start your first job. If I imagine how things would feel if I would have had my three kids not in my 20s but in my 30s, and would be trying to enter the job market in my 40s, I would be in more despair than I am now. No gray hairs yet can be an asset after all.

Double dates - with kids

Because of our age (early 30s) and because of our situation (having kids), we increasingly make new friends who are married or in permanent relationships, and who have or are having kids. The days where one meets friends a decade or two before they find their partners are long gone. I am in the lucky situation to have friends who have made wonderful choices with their partners. Out of all of my friends, only one chose a man whom I couldnt deal with - and our friendship unfortunately ended because of this. I am also lucky that we can still choose which friends our kids meet in our free time, based on which parents we like. I therefore meet friends (and their partners) and parents of kids that I actually like a lot. I am enjoying this situation, as soon our kids will start choosing their own friends - at times with impossible parents. The children themselves may feel impossible, especially when our kids become teenagers. For now, all is simple and easy. The sun is shining and we are off for a picnick with children we like - and parents we treasure. Again, gratitude.

Inspirational Moments

Sometimes, small things can change the path you take. A friend of mine last night recommended that I watch facebook's Sheryl Sandberg's speech online from December 2010 on women in the workforce. It had inspired her, and it sure did inspire me. The message that I took away: don't give up your aspirations and hopes when you have children. While watching the video, I realized I had in the past months done exactly this - I felt like I had given up. This doesn't mean that I believe one must not change one's life when one has children, or slow down. But I do think I've made the mistake of thinking I should do something that I find sub-optimal, uninteresting, non-challenging...

Two messages tonight. First, a bit thank you to my friends, for supporting me, for encouraging me, for inspiring me, and for sharing with me. Second, getting out of  the house works wonders. Last night's gallery opening and dining with my friend, and tonight a university alumni meeting and dinner have given me more energy than any three hours lying on the sofa without kids could ever do. Inspiration is the greatest source of energy.

Why to Have Kids (Reason 430782431)

One aspect about having kids that never ceases to amaze me is that - and this will surprise those who have followed this blog more closely - you meet fascinating people you wouldnt otherwise meet. Take today, where my eldest was invited to a birthday party of a kindergarden friend. The entire family was invited to join, so we did. Alongside a wonderful warm day in a park, with the kids covered in mud and happy, I talked to the parents (a super succesful artist who has solo exhibited in big museums, such as the Tate, and her husband, who is a very succesful electronic music composer and DJ) and some of their friends. Thanks to where we live (smack in the middle of Berlin) and to our school (bilingual), we meet a lot of people different to ourselves through the kids. We have also befriended neighbours much faster than we would have otherwise, thanks to our kids' obsession with sticking drawings under people's front doors. For me, who takes a long time to be open to new people, I am very grateful to my kids for this - among a million other reasons. Some doors may close when you become a parent (see yesterday's post), but so many more important doors are at the same time opened...

Closed Job Doors?

I am slowly starting to put out my feelers into the job market in Berlin, in preparation for my youngest starting kindergarden in the fall. My "strategy" this time is to rely on my network here. We'll see what it brings. So far, I have let only a few people know that I will be looking for work. I'll increase the radius to more random contacts as time passes. Today I had an informal chat with a think tank based here. They do interesting work, but I found it difficult to convince even myself why I would want to work for them after the World Bank and UN. To be honest, because I have a husband that works full time and travels a lot, because we have chosen to live in Berlin, and because I have three kids. My career self has not yet quite accepted that all options are no longer open.

To Eight Years!

Eight years ago, we had our civil wedding. We only celebrate our church wedding date, but here a few thoughts on marriage.

Unlike in Scandinavia, Germany does not accept "partnerships" as a legal status, and hence you only get all state benefits of being a couple if you are married. In Berlin, gay couples can marry as well.

Germany encourages marriages through its tax law, which I have written about already. Having completed our tax declaration a few days ago (guilty of not participating this year in this ordeal), my husband calculated that being married saves us 600 euros, per month!

I wonder whether the high number of divorces here is due to couples marrying for the "wrong" reasons, i.e. this tax incentive. On the other hand, what are the right reasons? There's a lot of literature on how "romantic" marriages are a very recent phenomenon, and in many countries this is still not the case. My father has told the story that at his own wedding, my grandfather held a speech about "a marriage being an economic union".

Having three small kids, we often feel like have very little time to be more than a "team" or "economic union" or what not. However, this ring on my finger reminds me each day that we are definitely and certainly more than this.

This ring also reminds me of the only day in my life where my family and all of my friends have been in one place at the same time.

Gratitude. And love.

Hope as a Policy to Alleviate Poverty

This week's Free Exchange-column in the Economist summarizes some of Esther Duflo's work on the economics of poverty. I read the book she co-authored, Poor Economics, half a year ago, and can recommend it to anyone who has followed the poverty debate (Sachs, Easterly, Moyo, etc.) or is in general interested in why some anti-poverty policies that seem to be common sense do not work in practice (e.g. why do people who receive free malaria nets or free life-saving jabs for their children not use these services?).

The focus of the column is on "hope" as an anti-poverty measure. Many poor people suffer from depressions, and do not have the "mental space" to think of even small, incremental improvements to their lives - they use all of their energy simply to survive. This point is exemplified through several stories in Poor Economics, and I find it a good one (although no-one claims it is the fix to poverty - as the whole point of their work is to highlight how multi-faceted and complicated poverty is).

The article ends with the following story (also to be found in the book), which I find worth sharing, as it is applicable for gender issues in general:

"Surprising things can often act as a spur to hope. A law in India set aside for women the elected post of head of the village council in a third of villages. Following up several years later, Ms Duflo found a clear effect on the education of girls. Previously parents and children had far more modest education and career goals for girls than for boys. Girls were expected to get much less schooling, stay at home and do the bidding of their in-laws. But a few years of exposure to a female village head had led to a striking degree of convergence between goals for sons and daughters. Their very existence seems to have expanded the girls' sense of the possible beyond  a life of domestic drudgery. An unexpected consequence, perhaps, but a profoundly hopeful one."

How to Balance Time with 3 Small (needy) Kids

Having a child changes the balance in your life (if it had one before). Just on a practical level, you have less time to spend on your work, friends, partner, or self.

Having another child changes this balance again. You now also have less time for your first child. Add in a third child - and you have less time for the first two.

Most parents expecting a second child worry about not having enough quality time with their first. They are used to one-on-one time with this child. With the third child, one wonders whether one will ever have one-on-one time with any of the three, not to mention quality time with one's partner - or any time for oneself.

I have, with the birth of each child, tried to combine "children" time. In practice, this means that, contrary to many parents, I do not try to schedule "one-on-one" time for each child. I find such an endeavor a great idea in theory, but have not found it to be implementable in practice. My day simply does not have enough hours. And I believe - or perhaps try this way to justify our daily reality - that our kids just have to accept that there are three of them together, not one at a time on some calculated rotational basis.

As any other parent of several children, I guess I feel like I never have enough quality time with an individual child. On the other hand, the kids themselves keep rotating our focus. There is always one child - if not two - who is in some difficult phase, developing or falling ill, and hence requiring more attention. Somehow, I feel that it all just works on its own - without too much "analysis", "scheduling", or "conscious rotating".

Instead, I leave all this scheduling and analysis to making sure that the kids do not eat up every aspect (and hour) of my life. Kid-free time for friends, partner, self. That, if left to the kids, would not happen on its own.

How to Write

The most recent Die Zeit (a great German weekly newspaper that I rarely have time to read) had a superb supplement called "How to write". In addition to one-pagers on why various German classical authors have written "classics" (including a lot of my favorites, such as Thomas Mann and even Nietzsche), there were 20 lessons ranging from using commas to structuring a text. This may sound boring, but I felt like recommending it to anyone who writes - anything. The main message was: write so that people understand what you are saying (I'm a huge fan of so-called easy-speak!), and so that they are not bored. On the latter, I was guilty of several errors, according to the lessons, ranging from always using the same sentence structure to "writing without thinking or editing" (bloggers are the most evil of all, according to the 87-year old author of the guide). I therefore sincerely apologise for my unedited, even un-spell-checked and un-paragraphed texts (these two functions do not work on the iPad). I do not, however, apologise for being boring. If you are bored by these texts, you are not reading them anyway...

Elections stay Abstract

Today there was a rather important regional election in Germany (in its biggest state, and seen as an indicator for parliamentary elections next year). We had one of these rare moments when our kids are allowed to watch a bit of TV (they watch an occasional youtube animation or video, but otherwise dont ever watch TV). My youngest kept commentating with "toroo" and lifting his hand up, which is his elephant act (I had shown him some zoo elephants on youtube a few days ago, so I think he associated TV with this). And we explained to the girls who the people on TV were (female reporters, female head of the winning social democrats, female head of the coalition partner greens, female head of the left party - a lot of women there!). We've watched a few election results with the kids, and they've been to vote with us, so they have some kind of idea what elections are about. I wish I would have more mental energy to think about their importance and implications - especially such elections as the recent ones in France and Greece. I follow these in the papers, but wish I would have more mental space to think about their implications - and realize that these really are not abstract things happening out there, but have concrete, significant effects on people and their well-being.

Supermom

Lucy Kellaway, the FT columnist who writes on women in leadership positions, this week interviewed Nicola Horwick, who at 28 was a hugely successful investment banker - and mother of five small children. This woman sounds horrible based on the interview, but responded very well to coverage where she has been presented as "superwoman". She does not see herself this way, "with the amount of professional support" she has for childcare. Based on her job description, she actually sounded like a normal woman without children, and I again wondered what does being a mother entail? Just giving birth, and then giving your kids over to childcare 24/7? But would a father who does the same sound as horrible? Why is it that being a "superwoman" requires x hours of quality time per day with your kids, on your own? I am guilty of placing too many demands on myself in this respect. I wish I could just accept all help available and possible, and still feel like I am a "super" mother.

Dear Diary...

It has been a very tough week, and my blog has mutated into some kind of diary (not so many thoughts on family, work, not to mention other life). Not that surprising, as these are issues that are very personal, and drawing the line between objective analysis and subjective stories is difficult - and would not be my aim or style. However, I'll try to move on again from too much naval-grazing, as I dont find it too healthy or constructive in the long run. Time to look at the world out there a bit more again, and be inspired and moved.

Rude Expat Confession

Most expats know this feeling: You're at the airport terminal, waiting to board your flight to your home country. And you are slightly embarrassed about your fellow nationals. Worse, you pretend not to be one of them. Even worse, you've giving up pretending and know you're just like them. (Maybe this does not apply to Parisians, who are just cool, no matter where.) Today I had a similiar experience at home. I had invited two Finnish mothers and their children to our home (I wrote about them a few days ago, they had just recently moved to Berlin and I seem to have a soft spot for such people). I had baked a cake, set the table, the usual. But the two moms, generally friendly, were rather unintersted in me, and didnt really try to hide it (Finns dont waste their time on friendly small talk-people). When my husband came home, he got a quick "hello", and they continued their own conversation (Finns are very unfriendly to outsiders whom they dont know-people). The sad part: I know these are my own "natural" characteristics. Many a friend may have found me cold and bored when they first met me. It takes me a long time to warm up to new people. I can be cold to "aquaintances" whom I dont consider "friends". Would my anthropologist have a term for this?

Short Term Contracts - Mostly No-No

A friend of mine recently recommended a report written by some high-level alumni of the World Bank (including Danny Leipziger) on what challenges the new President (of the Bank) faces.

One problem that was highlighted strongly was that of short term contracts, including consultancies. The Bank has a ratio of around 40% permanent staff - 60% consultants. "Permanent" staff is also no longer allowed to be recruited "permanently", but on fixed terms (between 2-5 years). This, so the report, undermines the Bank's ability to recruit or retain the best experts, and undermines staff motivation and morale.

In the past five years, my contracts have ranged from 10 days to 1 year. Most of these contracts have been renewed, so that in effect I have worked for the same organization for a year or two. However, as many of these contracts have been renewed immediately prior to their termination, or at times retroactively a few days afterwards, I feel that I have spent most of these five years wondering whether I will have a job in a few months time, and looking for other jobs - just in case.

A 10-day expert contract for a single issue works well. A renewal of 3-month or 1-year contracts for general tasks is an idiocy. It makes financial sense for the employer - no perks, no insurances, no pensions, no obligation to continue. It is utter nonsense in every other respect, for all parties.

I am not the only person to have "lost" a job because I had a child, and I believed my employer's promises that I could start a new contract after my maternity leave. No obligations. Once you're out, you're out.

I believe that a "general task" contract should be, at its minimum, 2 years. Probation periods are fine and fair, in my view. A 3-5 year contract would make even more sense, and in this case should include insurance and pension benefits.

Priorities

I spent last night at the ER, as I had pains in my chest that were radiating into my neck and left arm. I had never before had any heart problems, nor any other serious health problems. I have been ill once or twice with something minor in the past decade. On my way to ER, I was thinking whom I need to call - who would take care of the girls, who of my youngest, in case I would be hospitalized. And then I decided not to think about it, and to think about myself. After a long series of tests, my heart was found to be completely healthy. Now it's time to think abou priorities in life.

To the Point

"Wir muessen aufpassen, dass die Kreisssaele nicht wie Zeitmaschinen funktionieren. Man geht als modernes Paar rein und kommt in den 1950er Jahren wieder raus." (Jakob Hein) Freely translated: We need to ensure that maternity wards do not become time machines. You enter as a modern couple and come out in the 1950s.

Sawdust, Sauna, Beer

This evening has felt incredibly satisfying. I haven't read a good book, been to the theatre, eaten out at a great restaurant, nor met friends - things I usually find very rewarding. I sawed a bunk bed into two (both girls have refused to sleep upstairs for months, and I bought a cheap wooden frame that cannot be split into two without sawing). I felt a bit jealous of our construction workers across the street, doing some physical work (sawing and sanding is strenuous if the only muscles you have left are baby-carrying biceps), with the radio playing, a post-work beer (they sadly have pre- and mid-work ones as well), and having a good Saturday sauna evening (being in Berlin, I doubt they do this). It's like the Ikea-furniture-building high I get. Too bad this job would pay a euro an hour. I would make quite a loss, paying our babysitter 8 per hour, but at least I wouldn't have my youngest as a co-worker (a one-year old can sand surprisingly well, but also hangs on your trouser leg most of the time).

Why I Love the Economist

This week's Economist has a simple but great article on the German (centre-right) goverment's plan to introduce a USD 200 benefit for stay-at-home moms (Betreuungsgeld). The article argues that this will encourage even more moms to stay out of the workforce, and also be detrimental to e.g. immigrant children, who would benefit from having German language instruction early on, as they mostly drop off the academic curve right at the start due to very poor or non-existent Gemran language skills when they start school. (Perhaps my dear education expert friend would like to write about this and its horrendous implications.) The proposed policy has been nicknamed the "oven premium" (Herdpraemie). Although I generally consider myself rather centre-left politically, I usually agree with most of the Economist's arguments, which are very liberal (centre-right, laissez faire). Maybe this is because having read the Economist for nearly 15 years now, I have simply been brainwashed. But I think this article is an example of why I find the Economist convincing: they often think some degree of governance interference is needed, but believe that the role of goverment is to open up opportunities, not to dictate and stifle these. The German government has argued that this planned benefit would encourage "freedom of choice". USD 200 (EUR 150) is a lot of money for those who could earn the minimum EUR 400 per month, and then still have to deduct a minimum of EUR 40 for a creche place (state daycare is charged per income, i.e. low earners pay close to nothing, high earners a 20-fold of this). Why bother even trying to (re-)enter the job market? As a friend of mine wrote in response to some of these German policies, these were abolished in most places already in the 1970s. Time to face 2012, Berlin!

Support Networks

All "capitalist feminists" (see post from two days ago) must have had a good laugh about my post yesterday. "You asked for it when you got kids, and more kids", they must be jeering. Well, I'm feeling more optimistic again today, as expected.

I have several times written that my blog's criticism isn't targeted at mothers who have just given birth to their first child. I thought of a parallel to the exceptional situation they are in after a chance meeting this morning. After having taken the girls to daycare, I was approached by two Finnish mothers, who both have twins, all of whom have in the past weeks moved to Berlin and have started at our girls' school.

One of the mothers was so relieved to see another Finn that she literally burst out in tears, after telling me that it's so heartbreaking to see her children (6 years old) adjust to the move. I always make an effort to help such people who have just moved into town, as I know how scary and lonely the weeks after a move can be.

This meeting reminded me of becoming a mother for the first time. It's like moving into a foreign country. You suddenly become a new person (a mother / foreigner), and have to deal with an environment and challenges that can feel very scary (e.g. sudden weight loss of an infant / adjustment problems of your children). In both cases, it takes some time to get used to the new situation. I guess the support function of people in a similar situation is worth gold to many such people. I think my skepticism towards such groups is when they become the sole social network of a person, a la the moms with the moms only, the foreigners in their respective foreign groups only...

Was This It?

I am a rather open person, as most of my friends know. Perhaps that is the Finn in me, saying what I think, and also what I feel. My friends know that I can go on quite a rant in response to the question "How are you?", and I often receive a response stating that I make too much of small issues. I guess a "Fine, thanks" would often do instead of a two-page analysis on relationships, work, and life in general.

My "rant" today will be the other side of the coin of yesterday's post, where I asked whether moms (including myself) sometimes use children as an excuse to be lazy and not even look for a job. Today's post is a more pessimistic follow-up on some of my reasoning from yesterday: it is just damn difficult to find a decent job as a mom, no matter how much passion, energy and time you invest!

Sure, there are hundreds, thousands of successful working mothers. At the dentists today, I just read Brigitte's (a German women's weekly) main story on Minu Barati, who is the (very young fifth) wife of Germany's former Foreign Minister, Joschka Fisher. She had a child at 21, but boxed her way through theatre school, internships and jobs and just produced a rather successful film. The angle was less on motherhood and work and more on work as a famous spouse, but nonetheless, yet another success story (albeit in a rather privileged situation).

I realize that I have entered a small crisis. The "Was This It?"-crisis. Will I ever find a job that I want to do, that I can do, that I would even be considered for? What an earth am I doing in a city where most jobs (the few that are here, as the labour market in Berlin is rather weak, especially for social scientists) are in effect only open to Germans? The German Federal Health Ministry in Berlin, where I interned very briefly after my studies, had once ever before employed a foreigner, and he was a second-generation Turkish immigrant! As all of us foreigners here know (and rant about), nearly-perfect German is always IMperfect German, and if you're lucky enough to make it to be considered for an interview in the first place, the first reaction is always "oh, how do you speak such good German?". Well, maybe I have spent 21 years in a German-speaking country?!?

I hope I'll be feeling more optimistic and "constructive" tomorrow.    

Countryside and "Lazy" Thoughts about Employability

I just spent a wonderful day in the countryside, at a good-bye party for a good friend. Throughout the years that I have known my friend, I have met several of her friends at various get-togethers. I have seen people have a first child, and a second, during this time - and have memories of our children meeting at parties as babies, later on as toddlers, and now as pre-school children.

What saddens me nearly as much as loosing close contact with a friend with these good-byes (this is the second within a month) is that I will not see their children, or their friends' children grow up at a pace where you recognize the child and know their quirks.

 I heard from two of these friends' friends the same old story: difficult to find decent and decently paid child-compatible work, and double the more so as a foreigner (the respective countries of residence were Germany and France).

 Independent of these stories, I was last night wondering whether motherhood makes one lazy - at least me. I feel like I run a marathon, every day. Yet on the other hand I realize I have started using this "exhaustion" as a convinient excuse not to start looking for a new project after my last one finished. I can think of several reasons for this. First, I have never really taken it very easy before. Even after kids one and two. Maybe I really am a bit exhausted. Second, I have had interesting jobs, but have - with all pregnancies, maternity leaves and other reasons - never tried or succeeded in climbing the career ladder (in terms of hierarchy). I keep wondering whether it is worth the stress to return to field zero again. Third, as mentioned in my last post: the German tax system punishes me financially (a 60 percent tax on part-time income is a punishment in my view) if I go to work at a German institution (hence one big motivation to work at tax-exempt international organizations as a married woman). Finally, it is difficult to know in advance whether an employer will be flexible with my situation: a husband who travels a lot, and three kids who, although miraculously never really ill so far, still require check-ups, have random days off due to teacher training, have long holidays, and may of course fall ill at any point in time.

 I dont think it is pessimistic to think that employers will not have serious doubts about my situation. I think it is realistic, and as long as our worklife is still organized the way it is these days, it may mean that I need to do some serious thinking about what my chances are in the labour market. At least while I refuse to put my children into 12-hour care each day, have a babysitter cover possible travels or evening meetings, and not be able to sit by their bedside when they have fever and feel miserable. I know women who do this, and they are far in their careers - and have small children. But I want the luxury of seeing my kids every day, and not just on weekends. And I want to be able to be there when they need me.