Outside of the office - but not outside of work

We have had beautiful weather in Berlin for most of September (and over the past year overall, compared to my past 12 years here). Before meetings in the evening and an evening event, I sat in a park in my t-shirt and without socks, and worked from there. It felt great!

Today, I am working from home, because my eldest daughter is ill. She has been in bed reading Harry Potter (4) the entire day, so I have worked consistently without interruption. Well, we had a small interruption, because we decided to make some chocolate truffles, from her school cooking class recipe booklet. I don't think I've ever made chocolate truffles before. It was fun!

Working freelance has its downsides, but it sure does have benefits as well. I can power away for 9 hours, plus evenings if I choose (once the kids are in bed). But I can also take a walk, go and run at the gym for an hour, run some errands, read a newspaper, or take a breather and play some piano (now that I am taking lessons again, I'm motivated!). In other words, I can sprint (the way I like working), and alternate with breathers.

My office experiences over the past ten years have been different. There's an occasional sprint here or there, but most of the time, it has been an attempt to pace work over a period of time that is too long. I simply don't take 9 hours straight to get my daily work done - because I love working super fast.

And - this is probably my own fault - I'm not able to take breathers at the office. Especially in a shared office, opening the newspaper (which in my case I find essential for my work as a lobbyist and having to small talk about a lot of current politics in various settings!) makes me feel like I'm a slacker. Or taking a walk - or even two or three - a day. Surprisingly, there hasn't been a piano anywhere nearby. Nor my washing machine to run a load in between…

Increasingly, I'm starting to believe that working outside of an office is ideal. I can still have meetings - I simply have to jump on my bike or take the subway, and more than enough people are dying to get out of their own offices, and like meeting at a cafe or over lunch. I can participate in all calls. And I can have a social life, meeting contacts for coffees and lunches, and an occasional friend beyond work settings over lunch.

If I ever do return to an office setting, which is possible - perhaps even likely, I hope that I can transport some of this feeling of freedom, of "this actually is necessary to my work" back in. Instead of feeling caged in.

 

Resolving Conflicts without Violence (or ARGH)

I finally finished Rosenberg's book on resolving conflicts without violence last night. I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I read it. Somewhere around the first third I struggled, when concepts such as "cosmic energy" popped up in every sentence (I'm not a 'cosmic energy'-kind of person).

As I mentioned in my last post, I have lots of "argh" moments at work, and I felt like these were becoming so systematic and repetitive that I was not only boring my friends to death, but also myself. So what better at this age (mid-30s) than to read some 'how to change your life'-books?

Rosenberg has worked all around the globe, from inner-city problem schools in Chicago to therapy groups for sexual abuse to the Israeli-Palestine conflict. And most interestingly, he's a parent, so he also discusses "conflicts" with children. Here are a few things I learned, or that were reconfirmed but I found valuable:

1) It's not all about you - but on the other hand it is. There are many interests and feelings in the world, and it's good to be aware that those interests and feelings at times conflict. Being successful at work may mean that someone else feels threatened, and a conflict results. New to me was the piece of advice to focus back on yourself, instead of ending up lost in strategic games and 'everyone has complex interests, and there's no solution'. Rosenberg's key message is to communicate. Not only try to figure out why someone is acting the way they are (they rarely do things because they are EVIL!), but express what this means for you. Your kids are wrecking havoc jumping on the sofa and screaming, and you feel like your head will burst? Maybe they need to get out and move? But maybe you can't go out right then, so you can explain why their action needs to change - because it's negatively impacting you (head hurts from noise!). Construct an indoor trampoline, somewhere behind a door you can close or wear earphones and listen to music? Your boss wants crazily long, daily reports? You don't have any time to do any work you like anymore? Communicate. Try to find out why the boss wants so many reports, and explain why this is negatively impacting your motivation and happiness at work. Try to find a solution how your boss' need to receive sufficient information and your own time can become aligned in a better way. Have lunch once a week?

2) Trust people - also kids. And treat every person with as much respect as you would if you'd meet Gandhi - or whomever you admire - most. Be an example of how you want your kids to talk to you, and to others. (Battling with this one!)

3) Learn to live with 'guilt'. There are so many things to change in the world. Try to change them (don't just meditate!). But also allow yourself to be happy of the lucky life you live (not in poverty, without need). See it as a resource that will make you stronger to tackle the changes you want to make. Don't use them as an excuse not to make those changes, though…find a balance.

4) Don't do things in the long run that you hate doing. If it means quitting a job, quit your job. There are no "musts" in life.

As you can tell, all a bit cosmic and incredibly difficult to implement in practice. It involves changing the way you talk, the way you use words, the speed at which you listen and provide advice. But perhaps something will stick. (I of course spend the morning shouting because I had slept little, two of three kids were being quite bratty and being really uncooperative with getting dressed for school, hah! And I have to think back to a book I read around a year ago, which had the message that you should accept and embrace your anger….)        

(On a parallel, I also just finished Vargas Llosa's The Way to Paradise the evening before, which I'm again glad I finished and read, although somewhere around the middle I could have declared it the worst book ever, among the category of Nobel-prize winners, that is. Conclusion for both books: endurance and persistence sometimes helps and makes the trip and temporary struggles worthwhile, at least when it comes to books.)

Managing Conflicts at Work

Any more regular reader of this blog knows that I have frequent "argh" moments with colleagues at work. I like cooperation, not competition, but sometimes the latter can't be avoided, in particular in pyramid-shaped hierarchies where the air gets thinner when you try to stand up (for your work, for your rights, or because you want to start making decisions and take more responsibility one day).

I was advised to read a book by Marshall Rosenberg on the topic of conflict management - I'll let you know what I think. I often think that I already think too much about conflicts, over-analyze them, and let them become overwhelming in all parts of my life - but I'll give it a try to think about it again.

Another tip I got was: avoid conflicts - simply don't join a hierarchical organization again. This is something I've been thinking about for quite a while now, when conflicts in organizations tend to be inherent in my case, and I'm much happier with my work and life when I can work freelance. So perhaps this is the solution: Managing Work without Conflicts? Instead of Managing Conflicts at Work?

A bit too simple, but sometimes it's good to get down to some basics, instead of living in this hyper-complex strategic work world of ours….

Between Life-Saving Vaccinations and Sanity-Increasing Work-Life-Balance

I can confirm my mother's standard question "no news, good news?" It has been a brilliant summer, and a very good past couple of months. I have poured most of my blog output into my project on combining careers and children - hence less ramblings on this site. A quick recap on where I stand:

After quitting my full-time office job at the end of 2013, I won a fellowship for a year to work on a project of my own choice. I had applied with a project proposal on making career and family more compatible. The project kicked off in June, and will run until June 2015. The months before, I continued to work in my own field (health for developing countries, known as global health) on a freelance, part-time basis. I recently picked this up again, and started working on another global health project on a part-time basis, to promote life-saving vaccinations for all children in poor countries.

It has been an incredibly fulfilling few months. I have managed to juggle my projects at a pace that suits my life - at times at a crazy pace, putting in 14-16 hour days. At times at a zero-pace, when I have needed to focus fully on having a day as a breather, spending some vacation quality time offline and off-work with the family, and spending quality time with friends and family who came over to Berlin to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary with us (blessed us!). In other words, I have managed to multi-task and juggle my life in a way that I enjoy it. There has been enough time to do everything that I like - including dance classes and my newest: picking up on piano lessons - WHEN I need it.

Do I regret quitting my office job? Not for one second. The more I think about it, the more this model of freelancing suits my life - and perhaps every working parent's life? It only works on two premises though: 1) either you are a risk-taker, or have a partner who has a stable income - because you never know what will follow the end of a project, and 2) you need to be far enough in your career - or determined enough - to get that next project.

Here are 5 reasons why I think having flexible job is better than having a permanent contract (with long office and presence requirements):

1) 9-5 jobs allow for very little flexibility. And if there's one thing that you need with kids: it's flexibility. For sicknesses, for those horror nights when all are throwing up and you just need to sleep the next day for a couple of hours, for all the errands you need to - or want to - keep running, for all these random vacations they get from daycare and school.
2) With a flexible job, you can schedule "own time" (sports, rest, reading a newspaper, meeting a friend for coffee) during the day - and work from a computer at home in the evening instead when the kids are in bed (reminder: I have a commuting husband with unreliable travel days - difficult to schedule anything properly in the evenings unless I want to bleed babysitting money; and most evening courses etc fall exactly into the time when the kids are still awake…)
3) It doesn't feel like a dead-end. No internal politics!!!! Whoop whoop!
4) It doesn't feel like a dead-end 2. No next promotion, no pay-rises to negotiate. No hierarchy games.
5) In theory, there are breaks between contracts if that's what you want, and are willing to take the risk when saying "no" if e.g. a project high time falls into the months of July/August. There's actual, real vacation….

Happy end of summer - enjoy the last rays of sun and warmth! We'll need it for the upcoming months.

Half a Life

Today, 17 years ago, I met the man whom I am married to, and who is father to my three lovely (and at times little monster) kids. We have been engaged for exactly 12 years to the day, and are celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary this year. Being 34, we have known each other for exactly half a life.

If our life were a movie, it would be Before Sunrise, and its two sequels. I'm not quite Julie Delpy and he's not quite Ethan Hawke, but the story is similar. I wonder whether there will be a Part IV, and whether it will reflect our life in the same way. At least Julie and Ethan Hawke have aged very well, and continue to have witty conversations - and are still together, in the movie that is.

I talked to a friend on the phone today. She means a lot to me, and I've always felt that we connect on many levels. And such relationships always remind me how far back I go with many of my friends. Way beyond half a life, in some cases 10/11ths of a life. That's nearly all my life.

(Half a Life also reminds me of a VS Naipaul book with the same title. I remember liking it, but as with many books, have absolutely no idea what it was about anymore. Thankfully I save the best for a second reading - perhaps when I'm twice the age I am now, or for my friends or children.

Tomorrow we're at half a year, so Happy Midsummer everyone! Enjoy the longest day of the year in our hemisphere.

Outputs Outputs Everywhere

I've been awfully bad at writing regularly, which reflects how crazily busy I have been the past month or two. I'm juggling a lot of balls at the moment, and what's keeping me from writing here is the need to produce quite a few public "outputs" elsewhere. I have invested a lot of time into blogs, a website, and a mountain-load of emails. A couple of phone calls (as anyone who knows me: I don't do phone calls!). And coffees without end.

It's all been very productive and active, and I have met a whole bunch of interesting people through my new project. It again and again proves that housewife galore just isn't what works for me, when my radius tightens, my social meetings dwindle (mainly to other housewives), and that dustball behind the door just becomes too interesting.

I have no idea what I'll end up producing or attaining through this project. Do I have goals? Of course I do. But equally important is to enjoy the process. I'm in that wonderful honeymoon phase of learning, eagerly meeting new people, reading, and fascinated by a whole new world out there. I know from experience that this euphoric phase ends after a while, so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can.

It's good to see that not only are my kids growing (my eldest turned 8 yesterday, and we are as of last night a diaper-free household - literally 8 years to the day - as my youngest slept his first night without a diaper). But I am still growing as well, and feel like life is not "moving on" without me.

It's a good feeling, and it's what makes me happy. I may be treading on the same spot, year in year out, with my career, but as long as I learn while I do so, so what?

Understanding different motivations - mapping incentives

I'm not a very strategic person, although I do not lack goals, determination and plans on how to reach my goals. I wrote one of my Master's theses on strategy, and originally specialized in security policy in part because I was so fascinated by Sun Tzu's and Clausewitzs' books on strategies in wars (surreal time-warp feeling while I type this, as I now work in such a different field).

It's strange to be interested in strategy, but lack skills in it. I still lack the ability to understand that other people have motivations - personal and organizational, and that I need to take these into account when working with people. After ten years of working, it's strange to still have "aha" moments when I realize that we do not all work for the same cause, in the same way. We compete in an awfully large number of issues, even when working on one single small project.

Strategic thinking - understanding also the moves of your "enemies" (in war), or "colleagues" (hmmm - what a parallel…) - is probably vital to success in the workplace. It's about knowing how to wiggle through, how to feeds some of others' needs while sticking to your own, knowing how to avoid constantly running into walls or creating counter-productive reactions and in-fights….

In part, it's about understanding people's actions in a more objective way. I tend to emotionalize, and react emotionally. "Why is someone trying to ruin my problem, and be mean?" When in real life, most of the time a more strategic person will think: "Some of our goals conflict. How can we compromise, trade, avoid larger conflicts, and still attain our goals?"

(Although sometimes people - also colleagues - are just plain mean and evil, trying to ruin projects and others just because they can, or enjoy doing so! And they can join my "never trust this person" list, and will stay on it for a very, very long time. And they will never transition from the "strategic colleague" group to "a friend beyond work" list.)

Thank YOU

A quick note to say a heart-felt thanks to my blog readers. It touches me each time someone mentions they read a few posts now and then. It's a lot of (rather repetitive) rambling to follow, and as a blog has something like a "mass mail" feeling to it, reading blogs is a bit like skimming through to find something relevant or interesting. I have to admit that I don't regularly read any blogs, but simply for one reason: my friends do not write any, or give up quickly (poo poo!!). I read blog entries mainly to find information, e.g. on a specific topic through a google search. But I'd love to read more by people I know….hint hint, nudge nudge.

Salary "Negotiation" - Upfront or at End?

When I applied for my last "office job", I was unsure whether I would - as a mom of three and with a commuting husband - be a very productive employee. My biggest worry was that I wouldn't manage the juggle - or that I wouldn't have control over all of the balls. It all worked out very well in the end, and I would say that I was just as productive - if not more - than I would have been without kids. I worked at a fast pace during the day to ensure I'd get things done. And I invested work time in the evenings when necessary - and when I felt like something was important or I wanted to clean my to-do plate quickly.

But when I applied and interviewed for the job, I had many self-doubts. I wanted the job (content-wise), and decided to try my best. But at the back of my head, I was worried about one big factor: the job had been advertised without a salary. This is usually, but not always, a bad sign. In this case it was a horrible sign. I interviewed and interviewed, and finally found out what the salary would be. I literally cried, because it was the lowest I had ever earned. I accepted the job nonetheless, thinking I would find other fulfillment and rewards, and hopefully climb the ladder (or jump!) quickly.

I'm currently in talks with another company, and have been asked for a salary expectation. I've been open this time around, and have stated my expectation. In return, I have asked whether this is at all in the ballpark that they can budget. No response. Talk first, pay later.

I understand that it makes sense for a potential employer to "lure" candidates in. Some employees may never consider a company or position if the salary is stated publicly. I sure would not have with my previous position. An interview process is relationship-building in some way, and an investment on both sides. An employee may feel like all that time and effort energy invested into interviews would be lost, just because the salary is much lower than expected in the end. The company may get a good deal this way, or may have sold themselves on other factors - making an employee realize that they are willing to take a cut.

On the other hand, I'm more and more starting to think that interviews are like sunk costs. No matter how much time and energy I invest, this doesn't justify taking a huge cut in the end. The expectations are simply too far apart if the financials are not even on the same planet. It's simply been wasted time then.

I think the best strategy is to try to compromise. If an organization is unwilling to make public their poor (or amazing?) salary package, I'm willing to give them a benefit of doubt - for a while. But after a while, I don't think it's worth anyone's time to go through lots of interviews without knowing whether you'll be driving a scooter or a Porsche. It does make a difference, and sometimes there are bills to pay, a life to live, and there's no option to take huge pay cuts.

In short: I'm all for transparency and up-front salary information. But I understand that it's not always in a company's interest - it rarely probably is, unless "truly competitive package" means exactly that, and not "absolutely appallingly embarrassing package".

Any thoughts or experiences - please comment or email me!

Work (for free) even before you interview

I've come across a very worrying trend: working (for free) even before interviewing for a position.

Recently, a friend asked me to support a job application of his, as he needed to prove that he has a network in the field I work in. He's a lovely guy, and good at his work, so I agreed and passed on my CV. Shortly afterwards, he let me know that he had pulled back from the application, because the organization he had applied for had sent him a list of questions to answer - as part of the selection process - which was around a task list for 6 months of work.

This organization then contacted me - as they had my CV - for a talk. I always try to keep all doors open, and although I don't have time for new larger projects at the moment, you never know what may come up down the road. Note that I didn't know what exactly I had applied for, nor have any information on the conditions of the position. In the first few minutes of the talk, I tried to find out what exactly the position would be, and whether it would be compatible with the time I have available. I received rather vague answers, but instead got interviewed for an hour. Alarm bells ringing after my friend's story from before, I was careful with what information I was sharing. I requested to find out more about what exactly is on offer.

Shortly afterwards, I received a message to ask whether I'd be willing to answer some written questions - and that information on the "contract" would follow afterwards. The tone got nastier when I replied that I'm happy to provide input once I know what the job is like, and whether the conditions would work with what I offer…

Worryingly, I've had a simliar experience over a year ago. Although not this blatantly exploitative, I at the time wondered whether to complete a written task - which required a day of research and work - for a position that I had applied for. At the time I really wanted the position, and the task came at the end of the interview process. I was also willing to "work pro bono" for one day for this organization and for the cause, even if not offered the position in the end (I was). But even then, I wondered how convenient it is for an organization to "interview" 20 candidates, and save a few week's worth of work this way.

It's very sad to know that many people are so desperate for jobs that they will fulfill these tasks, in the hope to get a position. Which, to be paranoid, may not even exist? Or be paid so poorly that no-one would accept? Strategically, a brilliant move for an organization, which hopes to reap free manpower. In the long run, I hope that all such organizations get shamed and that these stories spread, as this is simply pure deceit towards applicants, no matter what the motivations of the organization is. They may not have funds, and are hoping to build expertise, even hoping to hire some staff this way. They may be working for the most worthy cause ever.

But NOT like this.

Preparing for the Launch - and wondering whether there will be a take-off...

It has been a busy couple of weeks. For once, not because the kids are constantly ill (knock on wood!), but because my work projects have been time-intensive. I'm finishing off my project that I started early this year - which has, after a lot of ranting, gone surprisingly well the past weeks. Either it helped to be clear on what my colleagues can expect me to do in terms of "crap work", or I had simply front loaded all such work, and there's none left…

My next project is launching in early June, and there has been a fair amount of preparation going on. With the support of my funder, we are filming a launch clip this week, and I have been putting together the content, and coordinating a group of people who will participate. As the project is about families and careers, it has been important for me to ensure that the film clip is not just about me. I'm simply the coordinator, and trying to pull together different voices on the matter. It has been a lot of work, and I have a great team to keep pushing me to think about what story I really want to tell (at this point) - I therefore hope that it not only launches, but also takes off!

Thanks to all of you who have already contributed incredibly useful advice, contacts and thoughts. And thanks to all who have spent hours on end talking to me about this issue. In terms of funding, this project is currently a one-woman-only show (and even that not full-time), but so far, I have felt like there are really many people working and helping to support me - and most importantly - this project. Grateful.

Life with a couple of jobs - simultaneously - and the luxury of vacation

A couple of months ago, life was somehow frustratingly empty. I managed - and enjoyed - to do the crossword in the paper each day! I asked for life to get slightly more exciting (I have low blood pressure, lack of excitement makes me lethargic). Now I'm juggling two rather time-consuming work projects, my normal life as a mom, and all the little tidbits and favors that I've been offering to people on the side, because I've had time to help. One way I notice I am busy beyond belief? I don't find time to blog regularly. I don't manage to read the newspaper. Forget the crossword puzzle.

I have managed to enjoy the Easter and May 1st breaks, though. This is the huge luxury of having quit a full-time office-based job. I may work full-time, but I can decide to take all of my vacation. All the bridge days, all of the time off that I want.

It's the biggest luxury in life. To have work, in order to have vacation. I am paraphrasing Pippi Longstocking, if you know the series where she decides to go to school, in order to have vacation…

Learning for Life - Visiting a PhD Colloquium

A few months ago, I was finally kicked out of my final PhD program. I had been enrolled in one program or another for the past ten years, but with the exception of my first attempt in London (on Nietzsche!), something else always came up (work-wise), and I remained a passive academic.

I visited a PhD colloquium of my former (Berlin) university yesterday, because they had invited also alumni to attend a talk by a PostDoc researcher on - tadaatadaa - compatibility of work and family. Most participants were PhD students, desperately trying not to nod off and draw parallels to their own work on regression analysis, dummy variables, or what not. Gender makes many people yawn - literally.

The paper that the researcher presented was really interesting, and having been trained in the US, the focus was quite quantitative (lots of data!). The findings showed that for 27 European countries, women work as much as men - although they may earn slightly less for the same work (the pay gap). However, with children, women work substantially less in all countries, and their pay falls drastically. There is no effect on fathers - there's often even a "fatherhood premium" in that pay increases when men have children (good old alphas!!!).

In countries with taxation systems that have a preference for married couples (see my blog on German Crazy German Ehegattensplitting ), women work and earn even less. But the biggest whopper is whether there is (affordable) childcare (with sufficient hours) on offer.

There's always so much to learn. I hope that I never stop being interested. And that even at the age of 70, I will visit a PhD colloquium.

(Office) Room with a View

I spent a lovely long weekend with a friend - and her beautiful family - in Zurich. I can reiterate my post Being There for Friends.

While in Zurich, we visited a cafe with a (marvelous!) view. As the cafe is in an office building, I told my friend about my strategy to get a job not based on content, but simply on office location (see my post What to Do or Where to Do). She found it a great plan, and voilá, she now knows where she will work:

(Photo: private)

And here is where I will work (I unfortunately have not yet been invited to an interview, and cannot provide the top-floor view…YET, so follow this space):

(Photo: Ghetty Images)

What will your office view look like - or if you've fulfilled your dream, what does it look like?

Ask for Thanks - get Thanks - and Tedious To Dos

Oh the loveliness of it. After a week of complaining that I'm working for nothing at the moment, not even for a thanks, I today got a document back from a colleague I am working with. It was red with changes and comments (a word document in correction mode). Now, having worked for ten years, and having "colored" many documents myself for others, I do not find making changes or comments bad. I often believe that content-related changes or simple typo-corrections make work better. One of my favorite bosses of all times, from whom I learned immense amounts, used to be such a "changer". Everyone can learn.

The funny thing about this document I received was that it was filled with comments with "thanks". But the "thanks" were preceded by large, time-consuming instructions to change things. Just to note here that the project I'm working on requires me to provide content-related expertise. But as everyone tries to shove off tedious admin-related work, or nitty-gritty "change these commas"-work to others, people try to shove as much of this onto me.

I'm too nice. I often do these tasks. It's wrong, and it's stupid (of me).

But I felt like I needed to correct a previous post. Thanks is not enough after all. Thanks, please translate this post into seventeen languages, change all "e's" in words with an "i" into "u's", and separate all consonants and vowels into separate documents - thanks.

Working Pro Bono - Where's the Thanks and Credit?

Many of us have been involved in school associations or university clubs, without ever thinking that we should somehow be financially compensated. Some of us who work are still involved in associations - political, communal, or educational - in addition to our paid work time. I've been involved in a number of groups throughout my working life, including university alumni associations, the Finnish church association, mentoring students, and our school parent association. With an increasing load at work, and with a salary, I have found it increasingly frustrating to be involved in such volunteer-based groups. It's a constant weighting of benefits and costs, and nearly always the costs have far outweighed the benefits. The biggest cost is time. These groups eat up immense amounts of time, and as they usually involve flat / democratic structures, they require a lot of coordination - with many people who do not believe in concepts such as efficiency, time management, or solution-/output-oriented work. I have often felt like if I don't take most of the workload onto my shoulders, nothing moves ahead.

Right now, I'm working on a (paid) project where I feel the same. It's a coordination project, with a group of people who are not used to working quickly, but who enjoy long discussions. If there's one thing I am not: patient. I want decisions. I want things to move on. And in order to move things ahead, I have been doing far more than my contractual role. I fulfilled my contractual tasks and hours a long time ago, and all the work that I've been doing lately is purely: pro bono. So why do I do it? Because of all the thanks I get? Most of my work gets used in someone else's name. I will not be likely to get any credit. Because of the fun process? It's tedious, and I've been awfully frustrated. And diplomatic skills are just as high on my asset list as is patience. Because it's an investment? This is unfortunately not a network building or learning project. Or simply because I'm a working animal? And because at the end of the day, although I complain about my indecent hourly income (currently very much on the negative), money doesn't make the world go around.  

But as with all the volunteering, mentoring etc I do: a little thanks and credit for my investment wouldn't hurt. Is that too much to ask for?

What Makes You Go F&%"ng Nuts as a Parent?

Today a cross-post from my other (co-authored) blog. The question was what makes one go f%"§/%ng nuts as a parent, drawing on a New York Times article. I came up with a list of 10, and would look forward to some entries in the comment section there through all of you:

http://hongkong-berlin.blogspot.de/2014/04/fing-nuts.html#comment-form

Being there for friends - in good times, in bad times...

(Another sing-along title. Please, enjoy, and remember all those karaoke evenings with old-fashione tape players and booklets!)

I had lunch with a friend of mine recently (yes, I do lots of lunches!), and she told me about a girly weekend - away from her three kids (who have the same ages as mine do). We agreed that there's not much that beats such get-aways for us moms. And her conclusion was that these friendships are what really count in life. The love, the support, walking this path called life together. I agree.

Some of my friends have gone through very difficult phases in the past years. And I'm not talking about "oh how my work is not working out" phases that I complain about, but real life and death phases. Every single time, it's a reminder of what really counts in life. You, my dear friends, and your happiness, which grows when I hear about it. And those difficult phases - they thankfully pass. Or time heals. I have such strong friends. Always inspiring.

Knock Knock, and The Door Opens

When One Door Closes…

…Some other door may open. I’ve knocked on a handful in the past three months, so far to no real avail. In some way, I’ve been knocking on the same door that I myself closed. At times I have knocked just to check whether anyone is still there, at times I have been ready to step back through if the door would open. A few times, it has opened a crack, and either I have decided to close it again, or the person on the other side has closed it for me.

But while waiting, I also saw another door, and knocked on that as well. The door was a strange one, because I could choose where it would lead. Before opening, I needed to convince the people with the key that I knew where I was going. It sounds a bit like Alice in Wonderland.

In this story, Alice had a couple of weeks to think about what she really wanted to do. What is the real value-added that I can offer? A trained generalist, who decided to specialize in infectious diseases in developing countries. Who opened that door years ago, got her foot in, and has been nudging her way forward. But feeling like the tunnel I was walking through, at times elbowing through, more like crawling through, was getting narrower and lower and fuller. I love this space, but I have not been successful in creating MY space in this area.

So I sat down, walked around, walked the treadmill, and talked to lots of friends. I blogged endless, endless pages. And right now, this is where I can offer value. This is what I want to change in the world right now. I want to continue my small part in saving lives, and decreasing unnecessary suffering. It’s what tears at my heart, and what I believe in. But in order to carve out my space, I need to work on these skills for a while, and to change how the tunnel works.

A new door has opened, and I look forward to walking through, and hopefully after this passage, be able to open another door to the room that I feel I belong to. And I hope that I will then walk into a space that allows me to grow.

Life – or at least careers – are rarely linear. At least mine hasn’t been. I look forward to this detour. Who knows where it will take me.

Dress to Impress - but don't forget to really impress

At home, I'm one of those no-make-up, pulled-whatever-I-found-out-of-the-closet, no-jewelry, wearing-my-grandma-slippers types. When I go to events or go out, I try to at least cover the black and bags under my eyes, and check that my clothes are neat and match. And not surprisingly, wearing my "work armor" (some makeup, jewelry, a suit, a nice scarf) makes me feel more comfortable in my "work" role.

A friend of mine who used to work from home once told me that she learned to go into "work mode" by getting dressed properly and working in a designated "work space" in her home. Before she'd been working in her PJs, and work and other life had gotten mixed up. I feel that way with being dressed for work. I don't overdress, nor do I wear fancy, expensive clothes or jewelry, but it's a symbolic change - and I change back when I get back home (also because I feel sweaty in suit jackets, and having three young kids would end in daily trips to the dry-cleaner…).

My husband, who works in the private sector, tells me how "work armor" plays a large role among his colleagues. It's not only about looking neat, but having polished, expensive shoes (think House of Cards), a flashy watch (perhaps not a Rolex, but also not a Swatch), and well-fitting suit. He's thankfully more like me - trying to look neat and fit into client expectations, but not really caring about whether something is expensive (and finding such expenditure slightly or very useless).

Clothes may provide that first-second impression, but after that first second, any well-dressed woman needs to open her mouth and prove that there's content behind the shell. Dress to impress may only take you as far as becoming a nice receptionist, but what really impresses is beyond any watch, shoeshine and LV-scarf….  

Little, Middle and Big Happiness

Many of us try to optimize our "happiness" levels. There's even some discussion on this topic in politics and economics, where people are debating whether "happiness or well-being measures" should replace standard quantitative measures such as GDP.

Happiness is a very subjective issue, but there are dozens of studies that show trends, such as "people with families are happier and healthier", or "people with jobs are happier and healthier" etc.

My own approach to happiness has been working on two ends: big happiness (family, friends, health, a balanced life, etc) and little happiness (a good book, a great cup of coffee, a truffle from Brussels). But there's also a "middle happiness" - a something in between. 

"Middle happiness" is not just a combination of the big, although it can be: put me together with a great friend, a cup of coffee and some truffles, and it's pretty much as good as it gets. But more often, middle happiness is something I judge and measure at the end of each day. It's influenced by things from the big and small category, but also by many variables that are beyond these two categories, such as hormones and weather, or random social interactions during the day with people who mean little to me in the longer run, but affect my momentary well-being (such as colleagues).

Aside from slightly abstract ramblings, I'd like to be grateful today. After a few weeks where I felt like everyone wanted something from me, and I was challenged by ill health of the kids and myself, I've been receiving positive thanks and feedback this week. Not from the sources I've "given to", but at the end of the day, that doesn't really matter.

Give happiness and you will eventually be rewarded with happiness. Or something along those lines, to keep you trying to be a good person in this world….  

More thoughts on Parenting

Just in case you crave more blog posts by me (those of you who do not, have long ago dropped off this one!), I recently started co-writing a second blog with one of my dearest, most inspiring friends. We have written to each other for over 20 years, and have kept in touch through thick and thin, across streets and countries and continents. And as we are both mothers (she of two lovely boys, one my godson; me of two girls and one boy, one of my daughters being her goddaughter), we decided to make some of our exchanges about parenting public:

http://hongkong-berlin.blogspot.de

Enjoy our little multi-culti-world conversations. Two Finns, who converse only in English, and write from Berlin and Hong Kong respectively…. What a world!

And as always, please do comment or email. The more input, the more inspiration. And at least those among you whom I know, you have so much to share and inspire. Please do. We can all learn so much from it.

Is the What to do or Where to do more important?

We recently took the regional train to our weekend hideaway, an hour away from Berlin. I love traveling by train in Berlin, because many tracks are high above ground, and you get a good view of the city. We travelled East from our home in Mitte (city centre), where the tracks run along the river Spree. There's a magnificent spot around a station called Warschauer Strasse, where the river runs wide, various bridges zig-zag across the river, there's an impressive art piece in the middle of the water, and a view of the skyline and TV-tower (the "Alex"). Right there, at this spot, is a new high office building. The thought that crossed my mind was that "I'd like to work in that office right there, overlooking this view". Perhaps I've been wrong in concentrating on the "what" (i.e. substance) or work for so long, and have forgotten that I find the "where" very important as well (i.e. surroundings, people, atmosphere, even status symbols such as a nice building).

Then again, I was reading Paul Auster's Winter Journal yesterday, which is an autobiographical story about how he became what he is - and part of that includes where he lived and worked. As a young, struggling writer in New York, he lists quite a few dumps, stating that it never mattered where he wrote, as long as he had a place. So maybe it's about feeling truly comfortable about what you do, and everything else is irrelevant.

At the end of the day, substance probably trumps location for me, but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Or in trying to have it all….

Glass Ceiling or Trap Door?

Most debates about women and the workplace focus on "glass ceilings" - social or organizational norms or traditions that bar women from advancing in their careers. Female quotas in leadership positions are a way to open up these pathways for women, as are women in leadership positions who have boxed their way through to the top, and are door-openers for generations of women to come. Female corporate leaders or heads of state are no longer a strange sight in many countries or economic areas.

But my own theory is that glass ceilings are only half of the problem. The other half is the problem of "trap doors". Trap doors open up under your feet, and you fall to a level below. I used "snakes and ladders" in one of my first blog posts to exemplify what I mean: we may have ladders to climb, but we also have snakes to slide down.

I like the idea of "trap doors", because for women as naive as I am, and having only focused on "glass ceilings" for the first 30 years of my life, these "trap doors" come unexpected. They usually hit you with the birth of a child, but I am sure that there are other situations that can catch you off guard as well, and force you to fall back in your career (e.g. weak negotiation skills or elbowing skills or willingness in the case of many women).

The sad thing is that, the more you fall through these trap doors (and with three children and my poor skills at fighting for my rights, I've fallen several times), the less you start staring at your toes - and forget to reach for the stars, and to focus on breaking those glass ceilings. "I need to avoid falling" replaces "I need to fly high".

How do we motivate women like me, no longer in their early 20s, to reach higher, and remain true to their dreams? How do women like me find the energy to climb, again and again? I haven't yet found the energy, and I'm still stuck in resignation.

For the Same Pay -> German Woman Works 80 Days More Per Year

Today is Equal Pay Day (fitting after yesterday's Happiness Day: what goes up, must come down…).

The OECD recently published data that confirms a long trend: women earn around 15% less pay for doing the same work that men do. In Germany, this gap is the highest, at 22%.

I'm a person who doesn't work well with abstract numbers, and even if you break the percentage down into euro-figures, it doesn't mean that much to me. It's less, whichever way you portray it.

But today's paper (SZ) has a fascinating graph, which illustrates the case through "more". Taking the 22%, the paper shows have many MORE DAYS a woman would have to work per year, in order to earn what a man earns. In Germany, whereas men in the calendar year 2013 stopped working on December 31st, women work until today: March 21st. In other words, they work 365 days in 2013, and 80 days in 2014, just to earn the same income as men did in 2013.

No wonder many of us women feel like we're constantly running a marathon. We're not only working more (if you include unpaid work), we're also running simply to catch up with someone who is walking - or has sat down with a newspaper 80 days ago.

(It's not simply men's fault - I'm aware of this. Apologies for simplifying. But it's just such a wonderful image. Wonderfully terrifying and depressing.)

Big fish, little fish, swimming in the water

(Listen to the song by PJ Harvey if you don't know it! I used to love it over two decades ago - gulp.)

The great thing about lying in bed for four days is that, after having slept through 72 hours, I had a day of resting yesterday - and caught up on a few "House of Cards" shows (Series 1 - as always, years and years behind any hype - but boy is it GREAT!).

The series underscores my feelings about the career world. It's a harsh place, there are lots of brutal power-struggles (for the sake of power in itself), and there are a lot of big fish and little fish, swimming in the water.

Always being years and years late on any hype (I take a long time to befriend issues, and to gather really deep, sincere interest in them - just as is the case with friendships), I'm usually years and years - if not decades - behind on any new career issue. With this I mean a theme or sector. In 2001, I listened in on a PhD seminar, where there was a presentation about HIV/AIDS in international politics. I found it so hugely exotic in that field at the time - and working on it myself the last few years, realize just how passé most of the world finds it. My blog and ideas around this topic (women and work) have led me to realize just how many thousands, tens of thousands, millions?, of initiatives there are for women and work. Of course I know it's been an issue in the making for centuries, but to realize just how much expertise, great initiatives, great thinking there is on the topic is - humbling.

The more the know the more you realize the less you know? That seems to be the lesson I'm learning, moving from having been quite a "generalist" for several work years to trying to "specialize" in issues that interest me. The more I dig, the more I realize has already been dug. I wouldn't make a good entrepreneur or discoverer.

But, to try to be optimistic, it's often not about changing a system, or causing a revolution - but about making tiny, little improvements. It's about finding that one little slot where you fit in, where you know which bolt to turn, and things may change, and you may have been useful.

I found a postcard (my absolute weakness in life, together with coffee, Viennese Sacher-cake, and good books) that says "Wait here until you are useful". I have added it to my postcard collection (best-ofs) on my door. I'm still waiting. Swimming with the tiny fish. Waiting. Waiting. And hopefully one day finding what I'm looking for.

Too Ill to Function

I've been stuck in bed for the past four days with my first flu ever. Yes, in 34 years. It's been yet another lesson in gratitude that this family runs well without me. Thanks mainly to my husband, who is running the household and kept the kids entertained all weekend - and cancelled his work trips for the week. And thanks to our babysitter, who has been available and helpful as always. Also thanks to our grandparents, who I know would travel over to help in any emergency, but thankfully we haven't had to ask. On the one hand, it's good to know that everything just keeps rolling. On the other, it makes me wonder why I find my own task-list never-ending, but once I don't do anything, no-one really notices. The world just keeps turning.

2014 has been a year of one illness after another. It has been very tough, and I really don't see how I would have been able to work more than on the little project I'm working on. Last year, when I quit my job, I didn't quit for family reasons, but for myself. This year, I think I wouldn't have been able to work due to family reasons - constantly ill kids, and now also myself. Maybe this was my punishment for thinking about myself, and only myself? And this is fate reminding me that my role is to be a mother - and perhaps without the possibility to be anything more at this point? (Note: Written when sick, tired and lousy-feeling).

What is wrong with women not working, or having their own income?

I today pitched a project proposal on this blog's topic: work+family+life (that was not the official working title). We'll see how that turns out (please keep your fingers crossed), but even if nothing comes out of it, a lot has already come out of it. As I wrote in another post, simply having an application to write and an interview to prepare for motivated me to open my eyes and think. It was an interesting experience, and I'm again a step further with my own thoughts on the issue.

My main idea is that it's impossible that we're still training (mainly) women to become (better) housewives. Research shows that education per se is a good end, and my own work focusing on developing countries shows just how important education is for the wellbeing of mothers, the household, and children (e.g. nutrition, financial management and investment, human rights). West-Germany is my "worst-case" example (and data supports this). See the slightly silly graph (thanks, Clipart!) I presented below.

What again struck me was, that out of the five panelists, the two (German) women were interested in the following. What about women who WANT to stay at home? And why is this outcome with work and income a problem, when HOUSEHOLD income remains constant? Instead of letting you know what I responded (although you will guess…), what do you think? Am I wrong to see this as a "problem"? I'd love to post a couple of your replies, so please comment or email.

Do Women Work too Little - or Men too Much?

Thanks to new OECD gender statistics and world women's day (missed it?), there have been many page-1 news articles about women and work. First was the confirmation that educated women earn 15-25% less than men (boo!). Today's headline "Women still work too little". (In paid jobs, full-time, that is - including unpaid work they work far above what men do in total per day - men have much more recreation and leisure time (boo!)). My hypothesis is that women work too little because MEN work too much. AND women are bad at outsourcing household tasks, and often unwilling to outsource (big chunks of) childcare. From my own experience, my husband working and traveling more has meant that I work less, and if I have had to or wanted to work more, we have outsourced household and childcare to compensate. He has been able to work less only in between jobs, not IN jobs. There's never really been the option - in our current work situation - for my husband to work less. This is, in my view, what really inhibits moms from getting decent jobs and advancing their careers. But can women battle thus battle for men? And would a man "help" and take part in this battle for more balanced work roles?

The Problem with "Self-Improvement" Books

Before returning to full-time work a bit over a year ago (I'm now out again), I visited a career coach for two sessions. I was struggling with whether I could work full-time while having three small kids (and a commuting husband). The advisor at the time recommended I read a career-councelling book for stay-at-home-moms, which had helped another "client" of hers. It helped me a lot with some of my own doubts, but I have to admit that, in retrospect, I didn't follow much of the advice - nor that of my councilor, who, when I told her I'd found the "ideal" job, replied that she's skeptical, because it didn't match some of my fundamental criteria for a job. The book was right - and she was right - in one particular aspect: I sold myself too low and cheap, and ended up quitting mainly because I realized that no-one would "boost me up" just because I'm so great. I was a dedicated, loyal, cheap, overqualified employee. Convenient in all aspects except that I was frustrated, and ended up quitting.

This first "guide book" I read opened me up to reading other books. Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In" was a powerful motivator, Annemarie Slaughter's "We can't have it all" article more of an irritator ("of course we can!" I cried at the time - and now whimper "oh no we can't").

I picked up yet another guide book from the library a while back, focusing on why women fail in the career game so frequently. The main message is that women are meek in elbowing and "simply getting angry", and falsely believe that merit alone will get you promoted and responsibility. I believe this book has many true messages. My own past job experience proves it, in my view: my merit didn't get ME further, it got MY ORGANIZATION and my boss further.

The problem with this "self-improvement" books is a bit like diet books, or asking people advice. There's an example and a counter-example for everything. There's a theory and strategy that negates all others. It's, at the end of the day, one big muddle. And I'm utterly confused. Lacking any self-esteem, because, just as in the Pink song: "all they tell me, is change everything you are".

It's good to read these books, and realize things about other people, power relationships, motivations, and one's self in this puzzle. But it's also important to close these books at some point, and start following the advice along the lines of "do not do what you love, but learn to love what you do" - i.e. "do not try to become what others think will make you successful, but become successful in what you are"… or?

Fasting - and other restrictions - and rewards

Today is a day of festivities in most Christian countries, marking the last day before the 40 day fasting period before Easter. In Germany, all children are dressed up in costumes, and in South-Western Germany, so are adults. In Finland, the tradition is to eat marzipan and whipped-cream-filled buns. It's party and stocking up time before the 40-day period of calm and fast - the latter part which most people don't do, instead moving from pre-fast to normality to Easter celebrations.

I have fasted for the past ten or so years, and last year blogged about again giving up coffee for 40 days, which is for the most difficult material thing to give up, because I am literally physically addicted. Although I only drink 2-3 espressos a day, I get horrible migraine-like headaches for the first days (and nights), and last year this didn't get much better, and after day 30, I for the first time didn't make it. I may be a bit of a softy this year, and give up alcohol this year instead. I don't drink a lot, but as I go out for dinners and drinks a fair share, and we also enjoy a great glass of wine if we make a good dinner, it's not a mere symbolic act (but unlike coffee, not a physically or mentally difficult one - hence I admit, it's not really a fast this year).

This year, though, to coincide with the fasting period, I have my hay fever period. So on top of giving up something symbolic, I am quite restricted in my movements. I try to take my medicines only for a few weeks, during the worst (birch pollen) time, so until then I try not to go out to much (I have another pollen allergy before birch), and have to restrict doing strenuous sport (thankfully not yoga or my new discovery - as always years and years later than everyone else - zumba).

Some years, for the 40-day fast, I have instead of giving something up tried to go a "good deed of the day". I'll try to keep up this tradition again - or at least complain less when I feel like people on all sides expect favors from me, but are giving little back. It's party my own fault, that in periods when I'm not time-strapped with work, I offer a lot of support. But with a big network, I have a fair share of take-up on these offers, including CV and application coaching, start up and freelance support, and child care help. I also invite many more people over for brunches, dinners etc, because I miss the social part of being at work - and at conferences and meetings. All of this is "work" in some sense as well, as it involves a certain amount of chores. The rewards - as for good deeds - are not material. Sometimes there are no rewards, other than the knowledge that I may have helped someone. It's a good - but not always easy - thing to do.    

Three or four kids?

A week or so ago, some of our friends sent us articles based on a recent study that "four kids are easier than three". We'd heard it before, that three is really tough, and it's true. Going from zero to one was very tough, because everything is new, and your whole life changes. One to two was easy, and even easier, because suddenly the world didn't revolve only around one child (which never felt very healthy), and the kids could keep each other company fairly early on. Three has been a physical and organizational shock, because two kids, two hands, two parents works fairly well. With three I've often felt overwhelmed, and also feel like the third is again like a single child, although they play and bond fairly well as a three-some as well, or in different compositions (eldest-youngest, middle-youngest). In that sense, I can imagine that number four pairs up with number three, and things just roll along again. BUT, as I have discussed with several moms of three I know (and their are surprisingly many in my group of friends), we - as women - feel overwhelmed with the idea of another pregnancy (we do not feel physically strong enough anymore, as three was quite a strain on our bodies), feel like life is finally rolling again after the shock of "number 3", and also feel like we're somehow barely managing with our careers, and number 4 would be the end to that. I know that it wouldn't, and I know that we would all manage. And if nature would want it, I would be thrilled in part - a child is simply the biggest gift on earth, and I could never imagine not wanting a new little human being if it is on its way. Several of my friends with 3 are slightly older than I am (instead of mid-30s, end 30-s), so their thoughts are much more acute: it's now or never, because none of them want children later into their 40s. I still have time. We could, in theory, still go from 3 to 6…. Any articles on "six is easier than three"?

More kids = More volume

My kids are not very quiet, and I already boss around a lot about such a long list of things that I try not to interfere with making noise too much. We do live in an appartment building, though, so thumping, hammering, making loud music and shouting are no-gos early in the morning or late in the evening. Screaming is always a no-go, as is shouting on the balcony. But i have to admit that one of the issues that stresses me a lot about having kids is that it involves a lot of decibels. Kids are simply loud - all you need to do is to enter a sports room or courtyard at kindergarten during a break to believe it. Or try to have dinner at our place with a number of parents trying to have a discussion, and a larger number of kids bouncing around enjoying their games. Send 'em out into the garden is not possible in our flat, nor in inner-city Berlin. And especially when kids have social time with friends, I'm not a fan of that quieting TV/videos (our kids aren't allowed to watch much nor regularly - they'll do that enough later in life, unfortunately). So noise it is. And the more kids, the noisier it gets. When the base is 3 and it's not uncommon that we have 6 here at one go, very noisy...

Lots of chaos in the world (news)

I spend a lot of my time reading the news at the moment. I feel a bit thrown back into my first masters degree, as I studied international relations then, and my days were filled with analyzing power, conflict and cooperation. I now instead read about power, conflict - and less about cooperation, and I don't do much analysis.

It's slightly scary to follow the news these days, with hopes of autocratic regimes being thrown over turning into hopelessness of countries falling into chaos. Russia just seems to have announced that it will intervene in the Ukraine. I spent most of my evening yesterday talking about the current situation in Venezuela (with a Venezuelan friend who follows his country's news very closely). Syria is just overtaking Afghanistan with the most refugees in the world. Egypt just toppled another head of state. South Sudan and the Central African Republic are in violent and full chaos, and the UN just published a report on North Korea, stating that they may just have overtaken Nazi Germany in acts of horror against their population.

I often try to end an evening with the kids with a question "what was the nicest thing about your day today?", so perhaps I'll try to end this blog post with the same question. Do I recall anything positive from what I've read so far today? I don't. Which is mainly a sign about the papers I read, because there is always lots of positive in the world as well. I'll try to share a positive story next time. Or perhaps you can send me one?  

Motivation through Interviews

A friend of mine who moved to Berlin a while back and was looking for a job wrote a great (serious/professional!) blog during her wait, and also interviewed specialists in her field. A great idea, in my view, and she found a job thanks to this endeavor. I'm too much of a coward to try this approach (who would contribute to a blog by me? who would ever read it? I feel like there are just a kazillion more professional blogs of experts with a kazillion times more expertise than I have in my field.)

In any case, I have realized that I become motivated to learn things - and open my eyes to new things - when I get interviewed. Not by professional bloggers or journalists (just in case you were wondering!), but by potential employers. I've actually applied for a few jobs, not because I want to do the job in practice, but because it's a great way to motivate myself to learn and think about something new (and the HR department seems to sense that I'm not as serious candidate most times, and I never get far enough and my scheme to crunch for an interview then fails…).

I've aimed quite (very!) high with my recent applications, and - not surprisingly - haven't made it to many interviews yet. But why not try? At this point, at least, two months into the process of applying. I did get invited to an interview in two weeks for something random, though. I applied for a (low) stipend to "do what you want" for a year. What a strange thing to apply for.

What would you do if you'd have a year to do what you want?

Dear Diary - Post 300

Those of you who have known me for longer know that I can produce a lot of text. A loooot of text. So it will not come as a surprise that this is my 300th post on this blog. Thanks to those who are still following, or occasionally take a peek.

It has been a lovely week. We're still struggling with some mild illnesses, but it is sunny outside, I have had lots of time to do things I enjoy, and meet lovely people. And it has been a strange week, because suddenly, my motivation to work or somehow further educate myself to become a more knowledgeable productive person in my field has taken a nosedive. I am starting to perceive myself as someone not just temporarily "on a break" from my work and field, but someone who is slipping out of my field. And work life.

I know that, in the medium term, this will undermine my personal happiness and contentment. But I'm suddenly in a phase of doubt. Who I am professionally? What am I worth? What are my competencies? Where's the love for my topic suddenly disappeared to? My passionate interest? It all suddenly feels so distant. Am I giving up?

Ah, the mom-in-laws...

I have to caveat this post with an objective, realistic statement: I have the most loving, caring, wonderful parent-in-laws. And I can thankfully say that about my parents as well. I know that I am utterly blessed, not only in the positive sense, but also in not having any real negative experiences, after so many horror stories I have read about in-laws in other cultures.

But. Just a little anecdote. Or two.

Last night, I was sitting with my in-laws (my husband wonderfully times his travels for these days) and chatting about my "work situation". I was telling them about my decision to leave the full-time office job I had, but that I'm happy that I have found a small, albeit temporary project. In reaction, my mother-in-law starts a story with "Do you know who else is unemployed?". Ouch. So I tried to explain that I have a project. I actually get paid for it. It is actually work, even if I don't sit at an office or work full-time. And in response, I get another story. "Do you know who else is working on the German minimum subsistence income?" (EUR 450 that unemployed people are allowed to earn without losing benefits). I again tried to explain that I don't consider myself unemployed, nor would the state as I've actually quadrupled my monthly earning just by switching from an office to a project for now. Did it go through? No. For every relative and friend on this planet, the phone line buzz over the next week will be "and do you know who else is now unemployed?".

Our parents generation grew up with life-time jobs. But even now, we still live in a society that somehow values only full-time, mainly institution-based employment. One day, I hope that we can value also productive work that comes in chunks, not surrounded by irrelevant, useless sitting around at the office or in meetings, just to kill time. And work that is not just valued by the amount and regularity of a paycheck.

Why things happen when they do

I'm a bit of an emotional person, as my friends and especially my family know. I am also a strong believer in intuition, which often manifests itself in strong emotions. I'm also a believer in fate: some things are just meant to be - and some not. Some things can be changed - and some can not. And some things happen for a reason at a certain point in time. With 8 weeks of constant illnesses with the kids - mild but enough to have to stay away from school and daycare - this seems a very good time not to be in a rigid office job. With the sun out and the mildest January and February temperatures I have experienced in my 13 years in Berlin, another reason to enjoy not being in an office. And today, despite still being ill, I went to art class for the first time in many, many years. Even if nothing more, I have done so many things I love during the past weeks. With all the ups and downs, this was the right thing to do. Now.

Motivation quote

"Motivation is the art to get people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it" Dwight Eisenhower. (I'm ill, apologies for a mere - but brilliant - placeholder quote.)

When sleep-deprived: work, shop, cook, clean

I've been having some restless nights lately. My youngest (3) has clearly been napping for too long at kindergarden (we have a "max 1 hr" rule with them, but I have long experience with conflicting motivations among staff to let kids sleep long and parents who despair at night and pay the price). He went to bed at 10pm last night, and keeps getting up at 6. Dot 6. My second daughter (6) is having restless nights, so even when I do get to bed (far too late, as I still need to wind down myself and read a bit etc.), I don't get much sleep. Some nights I have my son and my daughter in MY bed. Thankfully I'm small, but even when we do all sleep, I can't be sleeping very well.

So, any sane mother who is at home would probably take her children to school/daycare in the morning, and go bad to bed for an hour or two. And sleep-deprived me decided to shop, cook the evening meal, vacuum, clean the bathrooms (I need to organize a new cleaning lady - fast!), draft three work papers, and go to an annual skin check-up. All before noon.

I know from experience that this backfires big-time. The kids aren't rested, and are giddy. I'm not rested, and get snappy. And this all doesn't end on a pretty note. So why don't I just go and take a nap? Sigh.

Potential emplyee: woman, mother, mother of sick children

During the past weeks of never-ending illnesses (current: eldest child throwing up all over the train), I have been refining my view on the "women in the workforce" debate. I went from "you women without children have no clue about real challenges" to "only women with sick children really have to battle". I could continue to "only single mothers with..." or "only ill mothers with..." or "women lacking finances..." or "women lacking education...". There a kazillion sub-categories, and I'm listing these to underline that I am fully aware that my position is not unique, nor really challenging. Single, traumatized women with 7 ill children, displaced in DRC - that's what is a REAL challenge. These are "luxury" challenges that I write about. And again, just to caveat, many of these "women" issues can apply to men/dads as well. But to finish off my train of thought: After thinking about who "really" struggles, I came a full circle and realized what a potential employer sees in any young(ish) woman is the risk of becoming pregnant, having several kids, having kids who are ill a lot of the time. It doesn't really matter whether the kids are there yet or still possibly coming. Or if there are any even planned. We're all in the same boat at some level. And I again had more sympathy towards young, early-20-year olds, who think their "career-family" balance is a struggle. Because, in most cases, it will be.

Mothers' works networks

A friend of mine recently emailed me a link to a company that specializes in connecting mothers to employees. A nice idea, and one that I would have applauded a year ago, thinking "yes, get those moms back into the workforce". I'm not so sure about it anymore. I'm not so sure whether moms (and here I also mean dads) should return to the workforce as we currently know it, where 9 to 5 seems more like 5 to 9 for employees (or 7 to 11, i.e. being available all of our waking hours). Sure, these are certain jobs that I'm talking about, one's which work a lot with email and phone, and assume that a laptop and phone is part of an employees standard outfit. A year on, I believe it's time - for myself at least - to rethink. It is possible to combine work and family. Fulltime. I've proven that to myself. But the cost is high : there's practically zero own time. If quality time means going to the gym before the kids wake up (as Michelle Obama used to do), or eating into one's sleep after closing work emails at midnight...is it worth it? Again, I am fully aware what a luxurious situation I am in. I have a choice. But I also have a choice to help those who are forced to give up their wellbeing and sanity for financial reasons, or other pressures. And I may not succeed, but I hope that - at least in theory - I will come up with some ideas for myself (and hopefully also others) on how we could make the best out of both worlds, on TOP of our own world. Because work-life balance for parents cannot mean only work-child balance. It's not sustainable, and is a model that is bound to fail. Any thoughts?

Getting out of the office - getting out of home

I get quite anxious if I've been sitting in one place for the entire day. I can't admit to ever having enjoyed office life very much, unless there are conferences, useful (!) meetings, and social breaks (lunches, coffees) included. Sitting in front of a computer, hour after hour, be it at an office or at home, is painstakingly tedious - and unhealthy. When I was working, I signed up for relevant conferences as often as possible, because there's a world out there to learn about - and I enjoy meeting old connections and new people. And I need to move. At home, I need to give myself more of a kick, because those invitations to meetings and workshops usually go to institutions, not private people. But so far, thanks to various alumni programs and connections I have made just by stepping out of the door, I've been just as - if not more - active than when working. It hasn't really left much time to "properly sit down and think", but right now, I feel like most of my ideas happen when I'm walking from A to B, or by talking to people, or when reading something while depleting my bank account at cafes.

If I sit at home, my input either comes through the same old webpages that I constantly click through, dustballs I tend to find and suddenly need to clean up…

This is perhaps an idea post to write on a sunny, beautiful day. Let it snow slush and be icy cold, and I'll be writing odes to the possibility to hermit and not move.

Berlin is treating me well right now. As are so many of my friends here. Thank you for that.

Living our dreams

Thank you so much to all of you who have contributed to the "conversations". It is amazing to learn so many new things about friends, some of whom I have known for 30 years! I was surprised by a number of issues.

For one, most of your mothers have worked. Either I am attracting my few blog readers among friends who are trying to achieve what their mothers did as well (subconsciously, consciously, or just by chance correlation), or I haven't quite been aware just how many women in our mothers' generation already managed to combine family and work. Perhaps it really is easy, and I'm just a sole struggler, and making my life more complicated than it is? Or perhaps our mothers struggled as well, and we have not come much further in 20-30 years - and the struggle continues.

The second issue that surprised me was that a number of us have unfulfilled dreams. Some dreams are nice to remain that - dreams: thoughts and fantasies that keep our mind wondering, and offer us a feeling of alternative. And some dreams are not compatible with other dreams, or our reality, unless you are one of those concert pianist, heart surgeon, mom-of-10 geniuses.

However, I wish many of my friends would fulfill some of their dreams - just as I wish I would just pick up a paint-brush, and get going - especially now that I have some free time. There are so many among you whom I know are so incredibly talented. In singing, playing music, painting, quilting, sewing, acting, photographing. And perhaps you are doing these things, but I would love to see the results. And if you are not doing these things (as much as you'd like to), you should. Just as I should.

I recently read a book called "Nudge", which explains how small incentives can get people to act in positive ways - often in ways they wish they would act. The standard issues involve making sure you start saving for your pension plan early enough (guilty!), living a healthy lifestyle now and not "later", or finally learning that language you've dreamed of learning. Some methods to "nudge" people to act on their wishes is to provide more information / courses / a coach to help you sit down to think things through / surveys that force you to make a decision one way or another (without the option of "will do that later"). Others include making pacts with friends or colleagues, or even using online tools, whereby you commit to doing x, pay in y, and only get y back if you fulfill x. Y otherwise gets donated to charity, or your friend.

Any takers? I have a list of "to dos", but the "later" is stronger. Perhaps I should simply blog less? ;)

Conversations - 6

Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? Whom do you consider to have been your primary caretakers?

 

A / Yes - they both worked and I consider my parents to have been my primary caretakers. I think my mum worked part-time when I was really small but my memories are generally of my dad working part-time and doing his PhD and my mum working hard. She did weekly commutes when I was age 12-15 so my dad and I used to be home alone from monday - thursday at least. 

 

Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?

 

A / I don't remember having a clear dream, definitely not in terms of family. Since we had a very close, small family, I think I almost took for granted that that was how my life was going to be one day. In terms of work, I think I had vague dreams of being some sort of UN official but I don't think I focused much on the long term future actually. Other dreams that popped up from time to time were being a pop star or a musician!

 

Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?

 

A / Since I didn't have very clear dreams it's hard to say! I try to act on my dream of being a pop star / musician in a low key way - in London by being in a choir and here in Malmö, I sing in a band at work which performs at various staff parties - loads of fun!!! My current work-related dream is to find a job that I really love which I'll feel passionate about. I don't dream about being a UN official anymore though :)

 

Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.

 

A / Overall I would say that I'm satisfied with what I do but I've never found a job that I've been really passionate about - I tend to find myself in the situation where i like my job overall, but find certain things frustrating. I've moved to a smaller city because I want a "small-city lifestyle" and with that comes a different choice of jobs (no government departments or intl organisations). What I like about working in a council is that you're closer to the people you are trying to help but on the other hand it is a bit less strategic. It's fun to try to get more strategy and analysis into the council though, even if it doesn't always work... (which at times is frustrating!) I love the flexibility of my job - apart from having quite a few meetings, I can more or less choose when I do my work and catch up in the evenings if I need to. 

 

Q / If you have children, is life with children how you expected it would be? Please explain.

 

A / I'm not sure what I expected from life with children but I'm finding it amazing. The love I feel for P is a feeling I can't really explain. I think we've been fantastically luck so far (good sleeper, never really been ill, hasn't got to terrible twos stage yet...) so it's been less difficult than I expected and more rewarding. I definitely feel tired sometimes but rarely desperately. It's great to see him grow and change, scary to see him copying me/us all the time and it's nice to get to play every day! 

I enjoyed maternity leave but thought that 7 months was just right and I was ready to go back to work after that (although the first two weeks were hard!). Quite a few people expressed surprise about the fact that I wanted to go back to work which I just shows how strong gender roles still are - who would question whether a dad was ready to back to work after his 2 weeks of paternity leave at birth?

Now I work full-time but since I've got a flexible job I can leave early two days a week and pick P up at 3 which gives me some really valuable time with him during the week. I think the fact that my husband and I and I share household and childcare 50:50 makes a huge difference - it means we can both get away to go to the gym / to a restaurant / go away for the weekend if we want to and we never really argue about those things because one of us feels we've got a greater burden. 

 

Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

 

A / I work full-time in the head office of the local council (40hrs a week, but flexibly and some times in the evenings to make up for picking up early from nursery). I have one child, age 20 months and he's in childcare 35hrs a week. At the moment I'm trying to get fit for skiing so I've joined a circuit training class but otherwise I prefer to go swimming. In the summer I try to go sailing regularly. I live in Sweden - by the sea :)