Conversations - 6

Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? Whom do you consider to have been your primary caretakers?

 

A / Yes - they both worked and I consider my parents to have been my primary caretakers. I think my mum worked part-time when I was really small but my memories are generally of my dad working part-time and doing his PhD and my mum working hard. She did weekly commutes when I was age 12-15 so my dad and I used to be home alone from monday - thursday at least. 

 

Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?

 

A / I don't remember having a clear dream, definitely not in terms of family. Since we had a very close, small family, I think I almost took for granted that that was how my life was going to be one day. In terms of work, I think I had vague dreams of being some sort of UN official but I don't think I focused much on the long term future actually. Other dreams that popped up from time to time were being a pop star or a musician!

 

Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?

 

A / Since I didn't have very clear dreams it's hard to say! I try to act on my dream of being a pop star / musician in a low key way - in London by being in a choir and here in Malmö, I sing in a band at work which performs at various staff parties - loads of fun!!! My current work-related dream is to find a job that I really love which I'll feel passionate about. I don't dream about being a UN official anymore though :)

 

Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.

 

A / Overall I would say that I'm satisfied with what I do but I've never found a job that I've been really passionate about - I tend to find myself in the situation where i like my job overall, but find certain things frustrating. I've moved to a smaller city because I want a "small-city lifestyle" and with that comes a different choice of jobs (no government departments or intl organisations). What I like about working in a council is that you're closer to the people you are trying to help but on the other hand it is a bit less strategic. It's fun to try to get more strategy and analysis into the council though, even if it doesn't always work... (which at times is frustrating!) I love the flexibility of my job - apart from having quite a few meetings, I can more or less choose when I do my work and catch up in the evenings if I need to. 

 

Q / If you have children, is life with children how you expected it would be? Please explain.

 

A / I'm not sure what I expected from life with children but I'm finding it amazing. The love I feel for P is a feeling I can't really explain. I think we've been fantastically luck so far (good sleeper, never really been ill, hasn't got to terrible twos stage yet...) so it's been less difficult than I expected and more rewarding. I definitely feel tired sometimes but rarely desperately. It's great to see him grow and change, scary to see him copying me/us all the time and it's nice to get to play every day! 

I enjoyed maternity leave but thought that 7 months was just right and I was ready to go back to work after that (although the first two weeks were hard!). Quite a few people expressed surprise about the fact that I wanted to go back to work which I just shows how strong gender roles still are - who would question whether a dad was ready to back to work after his 2 weeks of paternity leave at birth?

Now I work full-time but since I've got a flexible job I can leave early two days a week and pick P up at 3 which gives me some really valuable time with him during the week. I think the fact that my husband and I and I share household and childcare 50:50 makes a huge difference - it means we can both get away to go to the gym / to a restaurant / go away for the weekend if we want to and we never really argue about those things because one of us feels we've got a greater burden. 

 

Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

 

A / I work full-time in the head office of the local council (40hrs a week, but flexibly and some times in the evenings to make up for picking up early from nursery). I have one child, age 20 months and he's in childcare 35hrs a week. At the moment I'm trying to get fit for skiing so I've joined a circuit training class but otherwise I prefer to go swimming. In the summer I try to go sailing regularly. I live in Sweden - by the sea :)

Conversations - 5

Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? Whom do you consider to have been your primary caretakers?

 

A / My father has always worked full-time, but being one of the most practically balanced people I know, rarely worked overtime, and never on weekends in my recollections. He was a very active father, spending a lot of time with us playing, doing sports, reading and baking (including the best bread rolls ever!). My mother was mostly a stay-at-home mom, as that's what most moms in Austria were in the 1980s. She ran most of the household, at least in terms of arranging hobbies, playdates, sewing our halloween costumes, cooking and cleaning. Highly educated, she worked part-time for some time when we moved back to Finland, where all women worked, but dropped out of work again later on. We rarely had babysitters to help out, and never had a nanny. My grandparents died when I was very young, and our relatives did not live close by.

Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?

 

A / I had ambitious dreams for my career, and a clear plan for children. On the latter, I wanted two, and wanted to have children in my mid-20s. When I lived in Finland as a teen, I wanted to become a journalist, a political journalist. At some point, I dreamed of becoming President (Finland at the time had a female candidate, and later a female President). We then moved back to Austria when I was 15, and my mother tongue skills deteriorated. I didn't know where I would have a place in the political system. I shifted towards arts, but although I loved being in the art room, and spent a lot of time doing art at home, I was worried about the creative pressure in doing art as a job. 

 

Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?

 

A / I had my first child with 26, exactly as planned. My second child was born when I was 28, but we ended up wanting a third one. I never tried my luck in journalism, but studied politics. I felt lost with how to implement my knowledge in the area for very many years, and have only recently found what I am interested in doing (improving health in developing countries). I at some point took a break and applied to art school, thinking I at least need to give a shot at what made me so happy as a teen, but I didn't get in. I still dream about doing art, but unfortunately don't do it. I used to dream more. And have more hopes. I still consider myself very naive. Reality is much more challenging that I had expected it to be. 

 

Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.

 

A / I absolutely love the content of my work (health). And I like how it is embedded into a broader picture, which involves politics, development, conflicts, economics..it's a never ending puzzle to comprehend. I learn something new each day, but struggle with implementing my knowledge to have an impact. There's still a long way to go in terms of finding "how I want to do what I do". I'd also like to build up a second career leg with art, in my wild dreams.  

 

Q / If you have children, is life with children how you expected it would be? Please explain.

 

A / I was absolutely shocked with how strenuous the first weeks and months were in terms of lack of sleep and lack of freedom. My kids were particularly difficult as babies, and clung to my breast 24/7. I was also surprised how isolating it is to be at home with a baby. I never enjoyed mommy-groups, and missed studying or working. I also didn't realize how much debate and struggle there would be. Again, being naive, I thought I would simply be the boss and the kids would happily follow. It's been a good lesson, but I'm still learning to have to give in, to accept different ways, and accept all the chaos and noise that kids bring with them. With the third child, I felt overwhelmed. I for the first time realized that I have to accept a lot of help, if I am to manage the first years healthy and sane. It taught me that I don't need to do everything, I cannot do the jobs of 10 people while being sleep deprived and needed as a mother. More importantly, I learned to take distance from being a mother frequently. Of course I'm always the mom, and always there when needed (e.g. during illnesses), but I learned that I also need my own space, my own inspirations, time, and opportunity to do things that are not child-compatible but making me very happy (such as reading a newspaper in a cafe, or meeting friends for a glass of wine). 

Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

 

A / I am currently looking for paid work, but in practice am doing a lot of the same things that I did when at an office job. I read, I follow topics in my field, I go to events. I wish I could produce something out of what I am learning, but haven't yet figured out how or what. I have kept my "working times" from 9am to 6pm free, and usually "work" from 9 to 3, and then have "own time" (cafes, newspapers, gym) until 6. My husband commutes, so from 6-9pm I have time with the children, and then usually doodle around on the computer again.  My children are in full-day care/school, which runs until 6pm, but we have a babysitter that picks the youngest up at 3pm, and the older two after their hobbies (at school). I read a lot, like going to museums (contemporary art), spend a lot of time drinking cappuccinos, and go to the gym. I live in Berlin. 

Conversations - 4

> Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? How did your parents divide household and childcare tasks?
>  
> A / Yes, when I was a child my father worked full-time and mom started working also full-time before I went to school (I don`t know how old I was…oops). My parents had very flexible working hours and we had a nanny if they needed to work both at the same time. What comes to household and childcare tasks, hmmmm, I would say the split the tasks in a rather traditional way: mom did most of the tasks in the household and was there for us (e.g. I don`t remember my dad taking care of us when we were sick) and my dad did those tasks that demanded "male power and masculine viewpoint". However, my dad is much better in cooking than my mom, and he prepares all the difficult dishes. As I am the youngest of four children, I cannot say much about the baby time. I think my dad was a big support for my mom during that time. He e.g. took care of the bottle-feeding of my sister as my mom had a breast infection. He also carried my brother (crybaby) all night long (and wrote his master thesis the same time) so that my mom could get some sleep.
>  
> Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?
>  
> A /Yes, and I have been wondering what happened to that dream. My dream was very conservative and I want today much more of my life. I just said to my husband that it would be great if my daughters would want to become a president when they grow up. All I wanted was four children and to become an art teacher. :D
>  
> Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?
>  
> A / I have two lovely daughters and we don`t plan to get more kids, at least not yet ;) My professional goals are totally different and I`m even mad at those adults who did not give me any guidance in professional goal-setting or even an idea how different professions are and what you need to study in order to get into such positions. 
>  
> Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.
>  
> A / At the moment I`m looking for a job and hoping to be satisfied both at home and in my profession.
>  
> Q / If you have children, is life with children how you expected it would be? Please explain.
>  
> A / Life with children is wonderful but I had no idea that I would be struggling with issues such as balancing between home and work. Perhaps this has something to do with my cultural background and living now in a country where most of the moms stay at home.

> Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

> A / I`m living currently in Switzerland and am looking for a new professional challenge in the field of corporate communications. My two children are three days per week in daycare (part-time from 9am to 3pm) and according to my fellow moms I should be grateful that I managed to get that place for them. Childcare is very badly organized and expensive in Switzerland. I have two free nights per week and during that free time I`m singing and doing some sports.

Conversations - 3

Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? How did your parents divide household and childcare tasks?

 

A / my mom worked as a certified nurse and studied for a master's degree when she was expecting me. When I was born the majority of child care and housework was hers, later even more so with my dad participating less by his choice (his career was progressing really well). My mom stayed at home for a year or so and then did occasional work shifts as a nurse while I was watched by neighboring family friends. After I was about 5 years old and my brother 3, my mom went back to work full time, and us kids started kindergarten and after-kinderg. small group, family-based daycare. When my family lived abroad for a total of 5 years my mom stayed at home which was initially a requirement for diplomat spouses. But she was still very active, continuing her uni. studies to post-grad level, freelance writing, vontueering etc. When we moved back she continued her career without problems. The only dent is in her future pension.

 

Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?

 

A / yes, I was a big dreamer! I visioned myself as a mom of two boys (came true!), living abroad (that too!), and working in a creative, artsy field (finally kind of happening). I didn't dream of riches or fame but of a life of passion for my work and family.

 

Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?

 

A /  yes, it's pretty cool to see now that a large, the most important part actually, has come true! Parts do remain a dream though and new bits have been added. I find I daydream a whole lot less though since the here and now is so intense, and fulfilling. I should dream a bit more, I feel.

 

Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.

 

A / yes, recently started a new position at the same workplace. Lots of potential with this job, feels like it's 'me' but the start is still hectic with a vast array of skills to be picked up or refined.

 

Q / If you have children, is life with children how you expected it would be? Please explain.

 

A / yes, I do haave kids and it's pretty much as incredibly rewarding and fun, and challenging and exhausting as I imagined. But actually less exhausting than I anticipated! Kids give so much energy as well.

Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

A / I live in Asia, work a 30h week with 75% salary, eldest is in daycare 3h daily, younger child with live-in nanny. Husband works intense hours and 24/7 responsibilities so we need my schedule to be the more flexible one. Husband works from home though which makes a big difference. Both of us have commutes of 0 minutes since my office space is next door. Our nanny is a huge help, especially during my husband's frequent work trips. We work for an NGO with relatively flexible staff policies but the downside is both of us have low salaries which don't limit our lives but cause constant prioritizing and budgeting (and some limits to making some of those more expensive travel etc. dreams to happen). The whole package called Our Life is pretty intense now but we are very blessed in so many ways. Wouldn't have it any other way!

"Conversations" - 2

Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? Whom do you consider to have been your primary caretakers?

 

A /Yes, both my parents worked very long hours when I was a child. From the age of one I was in full time childcare, and when I began primary school I was in "aftercare" every day until 6pm. My primary carer from the age of 7 - 15 was my maternal grandfather.

 

Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?

 

A /I never thought about children as part of my plan, but I was very ambitious, planning to be various things from an architect, to an actress to the prime minister of Australia. I was certain that I wanted to study and that I would have a PhD by the time I was 30 and speak four languages. At the same time though I was very involved in making art and towards the end of my teens that became my primary focus.

 

Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?

 

A / Well I am still a practicing artist, and that is my primary occupation, so I have achieved that goal, although without any of the stability that is usually associated with success, but all of the mobility! I was awarded my PhD when I was 27 so I can tick that one, but I speak three out of the four languages badly, so I think I was a bit unrealistic. I think much more about the possibility of having a family now than I did then, but I haven't really made any steps in that direction as it seems incompatible with my career as an artist at the moment.

 

Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.

 

A / I love the challenge that my work presents me and I get an enormous amount of satisfaction from directing my own research and seeing the results made public. That said, I find it very difficult to be so invested in such a precarious career, and the fact that it impacts on my ability to build more of a homelife, which I would like.

 

Q / How do you think having children would affect your career goals currently and in the future?

 

A / At this point I think it would mean the end of my career as an artist and the beginning of life as a full-time university lecturer. As I only have yearly residence permits in Germany, I think it would be difficult for me to obtain government support, although I'm not sure about that. So it might mean leaving Germany, which has been my home for five years, in order to seek reliably paid work. At the moment it feels like that is all too much of a sacrifice. If I became more successful financially as an artist I might be able to manage it - basically I could only have children if I could afford full time childcare.

 Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

A / I am a self-employed artist living in Berlin, although currently on a residency in Milan, and I earn money through a combination of sales of artworks, public and private project grants, artist fees from museums and galleries for exhibiting works, and occasional lecturing in universities. I am currently supported by a year-long fellowship. I have no fixed working hours at all - I structure my day entirely based on what kind of work I need to do, which is determined on a project-by-project basis.

"Conversation" - 1

So many of you have an inspiring story to tell. Here is a small series.

Q / Did your parents both work when you were a child? Whom do you consider to have been your primary caretakers?

 

A / Both my parents worked full time when i was a child. As a matter of fact my mother returned to work after 2 weeks after giving birth. She had been
home with my brother for 3 years and didn't feel fulfilled and didn't want to do that with me. I was looked after by a full time Nanny.

I liked my Nanny and didn't feel that i missed out on my parents either as they were always home in the evening, weekends and holidays.
None the less i always said that i would raise my children Nanny free......sometimes i wonder why i feel so strongly about that and also
weather i really will be able to pull it off.

Q / In your teens, did you ever have a dream of what your life would be like in terms of career and/or children?

 

A /Not really, especially not career wise. I always wanted to have 2 children and still plan on pushing ahead with that.

 

Q / To what extent have you fulfilled these dreams from above? Do parts still remain a dream but not a reality? Have you acquired new dreams for the years to come?

 

A / At one point my life became completely career orientated (BC- Before Child), but i feel that i have managed to pull it back into a more balanced life. I still work 
more then i would like to, but i still manage to handle my family life without outside (except for my mum and husband) help. Sometimes i have wondered if having another
child might tip this balance as i am not sure i will still be able to so it all, but i am not willing to sacrifice my dream of 2 children, even if it means giving in to getting a Nanny to help in the first few
years.

 

Q / If you work, are you satisfied with what you do? Please explain.

 

A / hmmm thats a hard one. My job isn't my chosen one, I have inherited it. I am lucky to get a fully intact well running business to call my own. However it also comes with responsibilities, meaning
that its hard to even take the normal 25 days holiday a year. Sometimes i wish i could just work for a company and not worry too much about the bigger picture, just do my job and go home, but its not like that.
With the whole family living from this business, i have a responsibility to run the company and run it well, so that it can supply not just my family, but a larger family circle. And then there are the expectations of running a family business....everyone feels like they have something to say and the hand over from one generation to another is not always a smooth one. Having a discussion at work can often lead to a bad atmosphere at the family dinner table a few hours later. Its definitely not easy but i am not complaining (too much ;)

 

Q / If you have children, is life with children how you expected it would be? Please explain.

 

A / I really think that having children is so very different from how you expect it to be. I don't believe that you give birth and you automatically become a mother. Its far more complex then i thought and i still look at R and cant actually believe he is my child! Its also so much hard work, never ending and always demanding. On the other hand its also the most fulfilling job in the world. Seeing him grow and develop is so much fun but nothing prepares you for how much they can wind you up by refusing to put on their shoes when your in a hurry. The day before R was born, B said "come on lets go out and do something, tomorrow our world will change forever and nothing, NOTHING will be the same again" he was right!

Q / Please write a short blurb on whether you work (and if yes, in what field and with what types of working times), whether you have children (and if yes, whether they are in daycare etc), and whether you have any particular hobbies. If you would like, state which country currently live in.

 

A / I work full time 08:00- 16:00 Monday-Friday, Ryan (nearly 3) is in daycare from 07:30- 16:30. Hobbies include traveling, crochet, skiing, and eating out, all of which i dont get to do enough.

Debate about Working Women should be about Working Mothers

I know that there are glass ceilings for many women in various work places. And in many countries. In some countries, these are legal - other historical or plain strategic. A friend of mine who moved to Berlin from Washington DC keeps remarking on how stunning she finds it each time she sees a company or organization in German, where nearly all leadership positions are held by men, and women work in rank and file.

There are several successful women world-wide, who have had amazing careers. Some of these have had children (think Hilary Clinton, Anne-Marie Slaughter), some have even had many children (Ursula von der Leyen, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala). But I am sure that if I would dig out a survey (if one exists on this topic), very few of women in leadership positions have children. Or, perhaps to be more precise, very few have small children (with the exception of certain US CEOs a la Yahoo's Meyer, where maternity protection is non-existent).

So, two thoughts. Careers for moms are possible. Here I mean high-level leadership careers in the traditional, 9-5 office sense (or perhaps these days more like 9-11 availability sense). But I think most female careers, those of mothers that is, are delayed. By 10, even 15 years. And only those who are lucky, or have incredible endurance, manage to "wait until their time comes" (i.e. the children are old enough). I doubt very many have the energy, strategic skills or willpower to muddle through this way. I'm not sure whether I do.

Secondly, legal environments make a huge deal, in my view. Be it outright discrimination against women being able to work, or absurd tax incentives that keep women at home (my favorite "Ehegattensplitting" in Germany - which makes my head hurt each time I think of returning to a paid regular job). The list in the latter category is long, and includes issues such as entitlements and support for daycare or other care mechanisms (e.g. financial family support for grandparents as caretakers), or maternal care regulations that "nudge" women to return to the workforce (in time).

Berlin, where I live, sometimes makes me feel a bit torn in my role and potentials as a "working mom". The support system is there (with daycare etc.), but the incentives and social expectations are against me. Also a factor: success of a partner in their career… So many variables. Too much naval-grazing, I know. I should just again reflect less and do more, correct?  

Work and Viruses

Most people affected by a flu are not able to work. Add three small kids into the equation, in one household, and there's a route to career disaster. Last year, exactly at this time, my kids were ill non-stop. Our babysitter was making millions. This year, my kids, especially my youngest, have been ill non-stop. I haven't really managed to do anything for longer than two days at a go since I started this new phase. Forget rest. Forget time for contemplation. Forget inspiration. I'm struggling to get enough sleep, the nights are pretty awful, and there's no opportunity to nap during the days. I'm increasingly feeling like a drained, squeezed out tube. I know ir's a phase. It's this time of the year. But I admit, it's awfully tough.

Reading

I have a friend whom I love exchanging "books to read" with. I've been poor at keeping in regular touch recently, but already in school, she'd have a passion for novels that was contageous, and also has great tips for non-fiction. So, in this "spirit", and now that I have more mental energy (and non-office luberty), here are a few book tips. Funnily, this blog started when I, then with a small baby, wanted to break out of the "mommy bubble", and re-integrate into the world as an actively thinking (or at least reading) citizen. I feel happy that I've accomplished that, and although no longer reading the FT, I'm addicted to several online news outlets, my daily newspaper (Sueddeutsche), and even get through the Economist again regularly. Twitter has become a great news source as well, combining actual happenings with opinions. I just finished a great non-fiction book, "Virus", which explains how most viral infections (including lethal ones) have jumped over to humans from animals, and how our current food production, urbanization, and travel patterns are increasing risks. Fascinating stuff, and it was very relevant for my field of work (but something I would rarely find time to read if at work!). I just started on another book that I've been wanting to read for years, called "Nudge", which is about creating incentives for people to make (healthy, good) choices. Funnily, it builds on a lot of Daniel Kahnemann's work, which is again fascinating psychology, but I admit I failed to get through "Quick/Slow", as it got too repetitive. For novelistas, I tried Nobel winner Alice Munro, but although easy reading, wasn't touched, amazed or that impressed (I read her "Selected Stories"). I'm now reading a Finnish author (I do that far too rarely, which is not good for my mother tongue), Kjell Westö. Random list of the day....

We both want it all

Yesterday, Annemarie Slaughter, a great commentator on foreign policy and author of an article on women at work that was debated quite broadly ("You can't have it all") a year or so ago, wrote an article for the World Economic Forum in Davos titled "Behind every CEO mother is a caregiver father". It reminded me of an article a friend of mine wrote about one of the only German female CEOs, who also has a family. And what struck me then, and struck me now again, was that these "moms" are only successful in their jobs because the dads run the family (kids and household). And there I was again, wondering whether that is true, and more importantly, has to be. Can only one of us in a partnership have a (real) job, and the other one is left with childcare (and perhaps nice little projects on the side, but not a successful career)?  In our little household, we used to have a "rotating" model - one of us was at home (and at times worked part-time), whereas the other worked full-time. We then switched a couple of times, and both advanced (albeit slowly) but also had family time. But we are now in a situation where quitting a great full-time job (my husband's) is not a real option. So we tried a "we both want it all model", because I also wanted a "career", not just some erratic projects. It didn't work out, but not because of the kids or family situation. It didn't work out because of my job, where I realized a "career" would not be possible. I'm now back to erratic projects for the time-being, but I do hope - and know that it's possible, to "both have it all". Perhaps not with a US-style contract that is incompatible with kids' vacations (or own social and physical well-being), and perhaps not in a company that expects rigid office hours, PLUS constant availability (without compensation). But in Europe, in Continental and Scandinavian Europe, this model should be possible. I hope. Because we don't both only want it all, we both deserve it all.
p.s. I would have liked to co-write this post with my husband, and father of our three children (just under 3, 6 and 7 years old). But our weekly reality is a commuting dad, and as he's not a fan of blogging or sharing ideas through social media, I'll write on "both" of our behalf. See it as my views, and hypothetically his as well.

Social media and email friends - but would I recognize you on the street?

I have been sharing thoughts, statuses and private family pictures rather broadly on social media during the past years. I'm not one of those who has 2,356 friends on facebook (have I ever even met that many people?), but I realized I do share rather personal issues with people I wouldn't invite to my home. Until now, I thought that if seeing a baby or child grow up makes someone happy, even a rather random acquaintance (but one that I like, that's my criteria for these sites), or who wants to read my random thoughts, why not? But recently, I started sorting and went through my privacy settings. What was my criteria? Do I want to meet this person also in the future? Perhaps not, but some family and really old friends just deserve staying in the loop, in my view - I trust them. Have I shared a tete-a-tete cup of coffee with this person? That felt like a better criteria, but even here, some coffees took place 15 years ago, and the person has shown zero non-facebook interest in my life, or even intra-facebook a la liking and commenting. Is the relationship mutual? I share my kids, you share yours? I've been enjoying these types of posts, but realized that beyond fun family stories, I may not have a real relationship with the "friend" at all. I'll probably never meet the kids outside of facebook. So, finally, I found a good criteria: on top of the above, would I recognize the person on the street? I realized just how many people I know better on social media than in real life. And chop went the privacy setting, at least for the time-being. It may be very German, this data and privacy obsession, but more than that, I simply wanted to think about why I "connect" and "share" - and with whom. I may change everything again shortly, but again and again, it's good to realize who your "real friends" are. And that I thankfully know and I love each and every one of you!

Meet me in the storage room

Some moms (for some reason have not seen dads do this) share brilliant commentaries about random experiences with their kids. I have a university friend from tbe UK who just makes me roll off my chair from laughter with 3-line conversation recaps she has with her son. A former teacher of mine just melts my heart with her similar conversations. I seriously think they should record (beyond FB) and publish these witty, hilarious and at times incredibly deep insights. I'm not as talented with such recollections, although kids just make conversations amazing, no matter whether recitable or not. But I do wish I would write up or save more memories of random phases or ticks my kids go through. Because sadly but truly, with three kids and a rather poor memory, I already mix up who did what, and forget things I never thougt I could. Words mis-spoken or mis-understood, funny songs or habits. Right now, my son (3 in 2 weeks) is going through a lovely phase (alongside horrible terrible two phases). he has been obsessed with a small acoustic guitar for a year now, but has expanded also into other instruments. Often several at one go. Trumpet, flute, drums. He plays concerts, and is quite a rocker (yes, you can rock to Jingle Bells, but his favorite is "I Follow/Deep Sea"). And because kids are quite creative, not only this, but the concerts now take place in our storage room, a tiny room where we have our washing maschine and junk crammed in. And now also "the band", and me. Life with kids never gets boring...or keeps you sitting on the sofa.

Raven mom - rabenmutter

In Germany, there's a lovely concept for all moms who do not stay at home with their kids: Rabenmutter. When I first moved to Germany in 2001, I first heard of this concept at a work event. I didn't have kids at the time, but there was a young woman who made a statement about women having their place with their kids - and my blood boiled. 13 years and 3 kids later, my blood still boils, but I have been infected / socialized, and now suffer from guilt. I have not changed what I think is best for myself and our family sanity and harmony because of this guilt, but seeing all the moms with their babies day in, day out - and then toddlers, year in, year out - and then older school-aged children, afternoon in, afternoon out (German state schools only run until lunch) makes me feel like I am a failed mom. Not a failed employee (although I struggle..), not a failed partner and woman, not a failed me. But a failed "24-hour" mom. Some days, when the system is so much against a mother working, when we pay such a sillily high financial price for putting our kids in full-day (private) school, and for paying for a babysitter to cover late afternoons - and when my job situation in this city is, well, not optimal, it's simply tough to believe it makes sense to fight for my own fulfillment, what makes our family life more balanced, for being a more active member of this society, and for doing the things I want to do. That I have worked so hard to do. There are still too few dads out there, although we live in an area that is quite progressive. There's still too much imbalance. And too much guilt, in my own head.

Beyond Work and Family is...me?

Most of this blog has been about family or work (or lack of good work). My claim to write about "other life" has been covered in less than a handful of posts, and most have been about the city I live in (Berlin). Which is strange, because my days involve much other than family and work. Is it that I don't define myself as something beyond being an employee and mother? Or is this other more mundane, eclectic, and perhaps even personal? All of the films I watch, and books I read, that I'd love to make noise about and share because they are so amazing. All of the cafes I visit, because they make a cappuccino nearly as good as the best Viennese melanges (and offer delicious French tartes on top of it). The art I love looking at, the mundane little details I come across. I realize that most blogs by women involve such issues (plus many I have zero idea and not much interest in, such as fashion, decorating etc.). I think i write about these issues so little because carrying them out involves a strange guilt in me. It makes me realize how luxurious my life is. And these are not issues that are considered "productive", in a child-rearing and employment sense. This thought made me angry today, at myself primarily, because in reality, I am probably 50x more productive when not sitting at an office all day long. I am, i have to admit, also somehow more fulfilled by the diversity. My view is not so narrow, there is no limit to what is relevant or allowed. There is room for creativity, of the mind at the least. But I am also restless, perhaps because I lack that numbing routine. Maybe the aim of these weeks, months, this time is to learn to embrace this restlessness. Embrace what is also "me".

Productivity at the Office - Workers, Get Out! (a bit)

A few weeks ago, Germany's new (female) employment minister, a Social Democrat (with a small child) publicly called for the end to pointless office hours. Note "pointless", not "office hours without qualification". She got ridiculed by much of the press, but I support her argumentation: not all jobs require rigid presence in one location, and productivity may not be very high - not to mention compatability with "family" or "life outside of work" (yes, there should be such a thing, in addition to 4-5 hours of sleep!). I personally like going to the office each day - it provides structure, and keeps me from procrastinating on such "productive" things such as grocery shopping, doing the laundry, or cleaning out random boxes. On the other hand, my brain goes into passive mode if I don't move a lot, and sitting at a computer (or in a useless meeting) makes me lethargic and as unproductive as can be. Let me read a newspaper, take a walk outside, or have a run on the treadmill (or, post-3 children, better still a walk at this stage...), and I can vent unproductive lethargy and frustration, and put things into a bigger picture - and be more creative and useful this way. Is a lunchbreak (if allowed) sufficient for this? Unfortunately not, as at least in my case, it's simply too short to wind down, re-energize, and have creative energy and thoughts. Plus it's rigidly timed. What's the solution? It of course depends on the job and company, but at least in my field (mainly brain-work, and networking), getting OUT of the office as much as possible, and to activate at times also some unusual connections (a la 10% google creative productivity time) seems ideal. It's just like parenting, or sitting at home all day long: at the office computer, you lose perspective. Whereas at home that corner of junk becomes "oh so important", at the office some random, irrelevant detail will become all-consuming. I'm not proposing full freedom for employees, but to sillily paraphrase "workers, unite!" (a bit), "office workers, get out!" (a bit).

Moral Imperatives for Development Aid

The last newspaper I read in 2013 (Sueddeutsche Zeitung) closed with an overview of the year (a rather poor one), but interestingly, out of a dozen topics, development aid got mentioned as one of the first. It's usually a topic that very few Germans care about, and is the biggest conversation killer when I've responded I work in the field when someone at a dinner party asks "so what do you do?" (you'd think I'd have responded that I dust archives for a living).

Even stranger was that, on the last day of my office job officially (which I quit, for those who do not follow this blog regularly) was that nearly all of the text was about the end of "moral motivations" for development aid. "Even" Bono (whose NGO I worked for last year) had in an early 2013 TED-Talk had argued that it's about "facts", not just swooshy "moral". The article ended with the conclusion that development aid is now all "business" in terms of process and perhaps even ends, a la Warren Buffet and Bill Gates.

In an article from yesterday (in 2014 - happy new year, by the way) that my husband was reciting for me in the evening when the kids were in bed (yes, our life can be like this - us nerds reading out sections from the NYT and Economist to each other…), William Easterly (a development expert and professor) was doing some serious Jeffrey Sachs bashing (economist, head of a university institute and also development expert). Nothing new (between the two), except that again the notion of "aid as evil" cropped up (Sachs believes aid can provide a kick-start to development or fix inhibitors, Easterly thinks this is simplistic and even detrimental crap, to provide a nutshell overview).

These articles made me angry. I notice I get angry about such issues more and more often, and for the following reason: right hand slapping left hand, shooting yourself in your own foot, or whatever metaphor would be suitable along these lines. Am I seriously sitting here, in a rich developing country, thinking that "helping" (aka moral motivation for development aid) is perhaps evil, and I should be coming up with amazing investment strategies and trade regulation changes instead? In my own little "bubble" (global health - which is health policy for developing countries), yes, I believe that getting patents and pharmaceutical companies to react to developing country markets and needs, on the conditions that they can pay for, is important. But if there is one pregnant woman dying, one infant dying at birth, one child at risk at getting HIV during pregnancy or birth (or breastfeeding) from its positive mother, do I think trade deals, financial incentives, and systemic changes - or do I think "just help NOW, do whatever is possible, save this one life and prevent suffering!".

It's the latter that dominates. It's what links me, as a human being, to another human being, no matter where they are born or live, or under what circumstances. It's definitely not the connection that we share to something called a financial market, intellectual property, or optimizing business processes. Or for the matter of fact, "facts".