Blog Vacation

I'm back in Berlin after two wonderful weeks on the German coast. This is an annual event with my parents in law, and sister in law's family. Spread over two houses, we have six adults and seven children - this time eight, as the eldest brought a friend along. The two youngest ones (both boys) are separated by five months, and toddled and crawled along together pretty well. The next are three and four years (boy and girl), and are like a little cute married couple, speaking of each other as "sweet little x/y" and running around naked. The second eldest (boy and girl) are six and seven of age, and practice reading and writing together. And the eldest (eleven, boy) brought a friend along whom we adopted as our own child, voted (behind the back of our kids) as an ideal child, and decided that not only should all children be like him, but we should as well (caring, kind, interested, helpful, positive).

I'm often torn between spending most of my vacations with family, yet on the other hand knowing that our parents will not be around forever, and that our kids will soon grow up to become moody teenagers, who will definitely not run around naked together and hit off with their cousins as if they'd be soul mates.

In a few days, I'm off to visit my own parents in Helsinki. Wish me luck for the trip, as I'm flying alone with the three kids (my husband doesn't have enough vacation days). My blog vacation hence continues, but I am certain I will be back regularly after my trip.

p.s. on books

What a disappointment, Paul Auster's New York Trilogy. I had liked his other books a lot, and had been looking forward to this "classic" as my first vacation reading. More promising is Barack Obama's Stories from My Father, which I found at the library here. I have never read anything by him, but thought this would be a good start. It's a nice, easy read, an autobiography that he was requested to write at the age of 33 (!), so quite a while back already. The main theme is race relations and racial identity. The book reminds me of the first time my eldest was allowed to watch TV, when Obama visited Berlin during his first election campaign. How much has changed since then. Hope and Change...

Types of Motherhood

I have started running again, now that I am on the German East coast and not in the middle of Berlin Mitte exhaust fumes. Today during my run, I was thinking about types od motherhood. I guess I mean parenthood, but as I am not very fit, and my run was not very long, I didnt have much time to think things through properly. My thoughts were as follows: There are 4 general types of motherhood. (1) Organizer. I think I mainly see myself as this type of mom. Everyone's schedule is clear, to do lists are fulfilled, nails are cut, toys are tidied up. With small kids, one can spend an entire day on these types of activities. They are not much "fun" for anyone, but at least things get done. (2) Carer. I admire these types of moms, who manage to stay loving and caring, no matter what happens. I dont really see myself as this type, although I do try to tell my kids every now and then how much they mean to me. Unlike a carer, who calmly nudges kids to get things, and allows them freedom in how to get to a result, I see myself as a tyrant most days. As my husband rightly criticises me, there is my way and rarely another way... (3) Eye-opener. This type of mom has time and energy to show the world and its wonders to her kids. The kids travel, go on outings, visit different parks, go to puppet theaters. I think my own mom fits this category, as she herself needs a lot of action and input in life, and us kids as a result tagged along. I treasure it a lot now, and see this trait in my husband as well - and constantly feel guilty that I fail to find the energy to be more versatile with my kids and their activities, as I so strongly have the need to prioritise routines and order. (4) Egoist. I cant think of many moms who fall into this category, but several do have a tendency in this direction - many more lack this characteristic entirely. Those who are unegoistic, live only for their kids, which I find worrying. But much more scary would be a mom who entirely ignores the needs of her kids, and prioritises only adult needs. Small kids see the adult world unfiltered, and sad as it is, the adult world is not such a pretty place, with its x-rated movies, news filled with crises and wars, and books without pictures!

Important vs. Unimportant Things

We often have the following argument at home, especially when tired: What are "unimportant" things? For my husband, anything related to organizing the flat and dwelving in silly details. I recall this same pattern from my own parents. My mom would be obsessed about finishing some sewing detail, while the rest of the family was waiting, fully dressed, to leave somewhere or other. The older I get, and the more tired, the more I see my mother in myself. Take this morning. I had planned to get a kazillion things organized last week, before we leave on vacation. Including doing annual things such as cleaning out the fridge and freezer. Well, it didnt happen, because my husband lay in bed with an evil tonsillitis for five days, and I had to run the kids and household, and couldnt have the babysitter here. To top things off, thanks to Mr Murphy I spent last night at ER with my youngest. Not having slept, I rationally decided to clean the fridge out in the morning. Unimportant or important? Obviously the prior. But if I'd sit around "resting" all day long, who would do all these things? I'm not a "mañana" person, nor do I suddenly decide to employ extra help to deal with my kazillion to do list items, each and every one definitely unimportant on its own. But important to me. (The mood at home is obviously great, apologies for a rant.)

Discoveries

Not working may have many downsides (for me), but one aspect is extremely rewarding: I have much more time and energy for "art". Two rather recent discoveries: A jazz CD that (for me) ranks alongside Keith Jarret's Koeln Concert. The pianist is called Iiro Rantala (a Finn) and the album Lost Heroes. If you haven't heard either album, buy both - they are amazingly beautiful, and full of surprising details. Another discovery is a book that a friend recommended I read. The book was rejected by all major publishers initially, was distributed by a small art publisher, attained cult status, and became a bestseller and was shortlisted for the Booker. The author is Tom McCarthy (a Brit), and the book is Remainder. It is probably one of the most interesting, intelligent, and disturbing books I have ever read (and I read tons). Note to my friend J in Brussels, do not buy it ;)

Mind mapping

I decided to try to be constructive today, and took my sketch book, which I hadn't touched since 2005, and tried to brainstorm my ideal moment. As it involves a lot more than images, it became a textual mind map. People are not a part of it - I somehow needed something just for myself after some strenuous days after my husband lay in bed with a summer flu. Let's see whether I can put it into practice one day. If I do even manage parts of it, I will certainly organize a party in this "moment" for my friends. It might take twenty years. Maybe thirty. I'm certain that many of my friends will be around there, as friends I mean, even then. Gratitude.

It's Iron, Stupid!

The US elections don't feature strongly in Europe at the moment due to the Euro-crisis. A shame, actually, as it's fun to follow, also from a more detached European perspective. In any case, I'm abusing a quote from previous elections, and am releived to say that my health trials and tribulations of the past 9 (!) months seem to have a simple explanation: it's the iron, stupid! I have never really been ill before (I have never even been on antibiotics), but this time has driven me crazy. As when kids are ill, never ever google symptoms. Mine have lead me to pages on HIV, diabetes, cancer, and food allergies against pretty much everything other than avocados. I have been prescribed eight different medicines, some of which made me vomit. And why? Because as my wonderful GP told me, whom I finally went to in the end as my specialist doctor "did not know what else I could take", a simple blood test costs a doctor a lot, so many try to avoid it at all costs. Un-be-lie-va-ble. But what a relief. (On the side, he complimented that I am in very good shape after having three kids: note to husband...)

The God Particle

The top story in many newspapers today is the discovery of a subatomic particle by CERN, a physics centre near Geneva. Some have dubbed it the God particle. I have always found natural sciences interesting, and the science section is one of my favorite in the Economist. I usually dont understand most of the issues, but am just in awe each time I read something: they can do something like that? Science or no science, the true God particles are the ones such as is snoring, heavily suffering from a cold, in the crib next to me as I write this. It didn't take 8bn euros to figure out this one.

Navel vs Newspaper

As is rather obvious for those of you who read my blog more regularly, the past month has involved some serious navel-gazing. Not a very productive time, and a seriously frustrating one. Now that the sun has finally returned, I have been reading more newspapers again - either during rare luxury moments when I have a babysitter, and can lie in a park, as far away from a playground as possible, or at the playground, with several sand-baking interruptions. Two things always amaze me: (1) There is so much happening in the world. And it's pretty interesting to follow it, try to understand it, and think about it. (2) It feels like not much changes in the world: the Euro crisis continues, the Arab spring's outcome is still on a knife's edge... Now here's my problem, though: After my time at the Bank, where my most rewarding task was to be on top of political and economic developments, and be able to brief management on any interesting developments, I read all of this news now - and then what? I'm a more educated housewife? A more knowledgable potential interviewee? A better world citizen? Whichever it is, at least far more content than if left alone with my own navel.

T = Time Out

When my eldest was still a baby (she's now 6), I used to read baby manuals, especially while breastfeeding for endless hours. As a new parent, I was very insecure whether her sleep and feeding patterns, which were all over the place, really could be normal (as I was absolutely exhausted the first three months). I never picked up a manual with my second or third, despite similar problems.

I remember reading in one of these manuals that there are times when a mom should just take a "time out". The example was a strenuous day of carrying a crying baby around, where the mom is at her physical limits and end of her nerves. The manual suggested that it's a better idea to lay the baby in its crib for five minutes, and just take a few deep breaths in another room - and then face the burden of the rest of the day with at least a bit of distance and energy.

I support this suggestion on a bigger scale as well. Moms need breathers  - at least I do. I take far too few, and am often at my physical and mental limits (which manifests itself in tight nerves, snapping far too quickly about tiny things, and pure exhaustion).

Even with a third child (1.5 years, clearly into the "terribles", which I wrote about in a recent post), I take far too few moments to recuperate - which I believe makes one more sane and also a better, more loving mom. I do often tell my husband that I need five minutes, and close the door to the bedroom, and just lie there reading a book. Better, but not enough. It's a "time out" with a little "t".

Yesterday, I had one of those "time out" needs with a big "T". I decided not to take any kids with to a birthday picnic we'd been invited to, but instead slapped on some makeup and perfume, got changed (something I would rarely bother to do with all three kids with), and enjoyed a nice afternoon and evening eating sushi, sipping bubbly, and chatting to people. Without kids.

There's also a "time out" with a "T" underlined and in bold, which is weekend get-aways. I'm looking forward to one soon - no kids on board - to go and see a dear friend and new mother.