Blog Break

I today stood in the toy section, testing all toddler toys that have as many functions as possible. We're leaving for a transatlantic flight in two days - with our toddler. I decided against all computerized gadgets in the end (I've never bought any for our two girls), for the sanity of my own ears and those of fellow passengers. We will also not revert to the iPad for movies, as our kids very rarely watch anything, and after five minutes, our 1.5-year old would surely go on overdrive. A schoolmate on Facebook proposed we try Ibuprofen, he unfortunately sounded serious.

Two weeks after we return, we are going on another trip, this time with the entire family. Our girls do not know this yet, but we are introducing them to the idea of a move during this trip. My own parents asked me before we moved as children what I thought, and I felt that my views were seriously respected (perhaps just because they confirmed my parents' plans). I hope I can do the same with my girls' thoughts, although I admit that I am ensuring that I market the location well (lots of chocolate there, need I say more?).

I'll be back on the blog in ten days. Think East Coast, sunshine, Indian summer, great friends.

Hearth or Boardroom? Germany Can't Decide on a Direction.

Germany is experiencing an interesting battle about female quotas. The upper house (Bundesrat) has a majority to push through a law to introduce quotas for women on public company boards (albeit limited to very few companies, with many exceptions, and not covering other fields of the economy or politics). This undermines the government, which currently has a majority in the lower house (Bundestag) that is in favor of blocking such a law (and to pass, the law must be passed by both houses). There's some debate on whether parliamentarians could vote outside of their party line in order to have the law pass (technically they are allowed to do so in all cases, but in practice they only vote against their party line in cases of "significant moral questions").

The rather public and divisive debate about a quota for such a narrow are affecting gender relations shows that Germans are very confused about the role of women in society. Are we to be encouraged to stay at home with the kids (following the "hearth premium" that the family minister is trying to but so far failing to introduce because the coalition cannot agree on the precise format)? Are we supposed to be encouraged to participate more actively in decision making (and hence work, following the female quota proposal above)?

Because these debates are raging in such narrow fields - even though they are symbolically highly significant - I in part agree with Germany's (female) justice minister that these debates are taking away the focus from more fundamental and important debates. Then again, what would a fundamental, big-picture political solution to women's underrepresentation look like? What government would have the power to push through a "women's plan" instead of start with incremental changes? Germany (and its female population) is far too heterogeneous for such a broad-brush solution.

Down and Out

All parents with kindergarden kids know that the first months / year are horror in terms of illnesses. The poor kid catches everything (cold, stomach flu, eye infections), and the poor parents usually do as well. We had that with our first daughter, except that the only ones who got ill were her and my husband (I rarely get anything). With our second daughter, we were luckier. As the two girls are only 1.5 years apart, the eldest and my husband seemed to be immune to most illnesses. Now with our third, and an age gap of three years between him and our second child, we're back in the loop. Except that I no longer watch a child and husband fall, but three kids and the husband. Who stays standing? Yes, yours truly again. So far.

Werbung: Movie Ad

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One of the most amazing books I have ever read (by Safran Foer), and the film does it justice.
End of ad.

Friendship - Takes Time

As I keep reminding any regular reader of my posts, I am blessed with wonderful friends. What is a "friend" to me? I think I have three criteria: 1) Someone I "know" (and like!), and 2) someone who "knows" me (and yes, likes me). 3) Someone who is reliable (including trustworthy).

I'm an awfully choosy person. And one who takes a long time to warm up to most people. Most of my friendships have developed through the test of time, and as time passes, they mean more and more to me. All three criteria above need time. But they also require effort - on both sides. At the minimum, this means semi-regular contact. Also, this effort needs to be mutual.

I think this "time" factor explains why most of my friends are either from my school days (long years together) or from Berlin (where I have spent the longest stretch of my life in one place). As a result of globalization, or our international backgrounds, we are scattered all over the place, far from where we started off being friends. Although time may be a barrier to friendships, geography fortunately isn't. Even before the internet days, as many of my dear friends will know.

Gratitude.

US Election Strangeness

I have decided that all interested citizens should have a vote in the US election. This may not be a good idea, but I can't think of any other way that I would be entitled to vote this time around. The amount of people talking about Obama and Romney at restaurants, corner cafés and playgrounds in Berlin is wonderful!

I don't know why I feel so strongly about this election. I have followed the US elections closely the past few times as well, but this is the first time that I have read books and even had strange dreams about the candidates (Obama is my buddy, no need to say more). Maybe I just have too much time on my hands, and am not as thrilled about who will be elected German Green party or social democrat Chancellor candidate (I do have strong views on this as well, but have fortunately not yet dreamt that any of the possibilities are my friends).

The US is a strange place, though. I finally watched Michelle Obama's speech at the democratic convention last night. It was alright, even good, but I do not understand the US psyche of being the "privileged nation", "best country", and "blessed". The Obama's great strength is to be rather humble, I find, and this type of campaigning does not fit in, in my view. But then again, the rest of the world is not voting...  

Feuilleton - Top-of-the-Tops

There are two parts in the newspaper that I enjoy reading, which are the politics and feuilleton (culture) sections. Economics/business I read so that I'm not too ignorant on that front. Sport I trash.

Today's Sueddeutsche (German daily) feuilleton was a highlight. First, a (very positive) review of Salman Rushdie's (new) memoir of his fatwa decade, "Joseph Anton" (his alias when he went undercover, after his two favorite authors Joseph Conrad and Anton Tshechov). I'm a huge fan of the Satanic Verses and Midnight's Children. Second, an interview with Michael Haneke about his film "Amour", which won the Palme d'Or in Cannes ("Das Weisse Band" from Haneke won two years ago). I am dying to see this film (Haneke's films are incredibly powerful, and the cast with Trintignant, Riva and Huppert is absolutely top-of-the-tops).

I am grateful to have time to read about such things, and know that I will soon have the opportunity and time to read the memoir and see the film. Anyone want to co-read and co-watch?

The Only Way is Up?

This post is about expectations (and now that I wrote the title, I can't get the Eurythmics song out of my head).

I've mentioned some "happiness" studies in previous posts that find that the unhappiest people live in unequal societies. Poor people in poor societies can be surprisingly content with life. A rich man's Porsche parked outside his penthouse flat does not constantly remind one of what one does not have, at least in material benefits. Poor people in rich countries are more unstable (think criminality rates, riots a la UK from last year, etc). Psychologically, I think a lot of this has to do with expectations - and most importantly, hope. Socio-economically, it has to do with mobility. If a poor person expects to have the Porsche and penthouse, and doesn't, the gap in expectations and reality results in discontent. Why him, and not me? If a poor person is granted the opportunity (i.e. hope) to work towards his expectations, he may feel happier: a one-step-at-a-time-towards-that-Porsche-happiness.

But what about people who start out relatively far at the top? Is the only way to go up? I have been thinking about this due to my own situation, as well as while reading Michelle Obama's biography. To start with the latter: After Princeton and Harvard, and an initial stint at a law firm, both Michelle and Obama take conscious steps to work in what they feel is right (civil society movements, community projects), at each career step not moving "up" (neither status nor salary wise) but down.

It takes a lot of guts to do so. I've always thought of my life trajectory as moving upwards. A great international school, a masters degree in a renowned university, jobs in some big-name institutions. If I would study again, I would want to study in: Harvard. If I would work again, I would want to work in: an institution everyone knows by name. And here's why I struggle: my expectations (and current mobility) are at such a mismatch to my reality.

It's time to change. Either my expectations or my position. The prior is what really requires guts. It requires a new perspective, where "down" and "up" no longer matter.

Female Quotas (or to be pc: the underrepresented sex)

The EU is currently working on legislation to introduce "the underrepresented sex" quotas (30%) for public company boards. Nine countries have already indicated they will block this law (UK, Denmark, Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Lithuania, Latvia, Malta), and if they do, it will be filed into a drawer. Germany has so far remained silent, but agrees with this group of nine (the family and justice ministers, both female, are against regulated female quotas).

I'm a big fan of mixing sexes in any scenario, be it school, work, or hobbies. Start from kindergarden: I have always been so happy whenever my kids have not only female caretakers, but also men (unfortunately only rarely). Especially in the cases where dads work long hours or are away on trips a lot, when else are kids supposed to experience male role models? Move to work: I have been amazed (more inspired than stunned) by some female colleagues and the passion and expertise they can bring to their work.

A quota is, for me, more about principle than practice. It is like affirmative action, which may appear to have downsides (the original pool may not initially be the "top 1%" in the sense defined by the majority group). But it does three things. 1) It opens up opportunities; it literally breaks through glass ceilings ("A man as a kindergarden teacher? Wow, he's actually great! More of those, please.") 2) It can be a door to changing criteria and processes (e.g. making board meeting times more compatible with family needs, as moms may demand this faster than dads would). 3) It makes things more "colorful" (ever been the only woman in a room with 100 men in dark suits? I have.)

P.s. Thanks to all of you who send me comments via email. I know it is difficult via blogger, but I cherish every message, even if it's just a "thanks" or "oh, dear, you really should read a, b, and c before you write about this".

Children's Needs Vs. Own Needs

Us parents have a pretty high endurance level. I wonder how many hours I have carried my kids in total, and how many hours of the nights I have spent sitting at their bedsides. We sometimes do rather crazy things in order to get our kids to sleep, or stay asleep. When they're ill or having nightmares, we sacrifice our own rest to make sure they are well. But more often, we battle - especially as the kids get older. Evening play time or bed time (resulting in parent own time). Play time or clean-up time (before going to bed, resulting in as above). Helping time (reading out loud, building train tracks, pushing the swing, a kazillion other) or independent time (again, resulting in own time). It's a fine balance, to achieve being there enough and helping vs ensuring that one doesn't get eaten up and become a slave to commands. Wonderful as it would be, kids' time is not always compatible with own time. Thinking that "I'll have time to rest in 15 years" is, well, not very sustainable, at least I don't manage longer than a day or week with my three small ones. I find it very difficult to just do my things and ignore the kids' needs when they are around. Hence the importance I place on having the evenings for myself (our kids go to bed relatively early), and getting a weekend or two in, at an increasing rate when the kids grow up (they are happy with my husband, with the grandparents, and even at a friends' place). It has taken me a few years, and a few kids, to realize that most parenting manuals are right in pushing parents to take short breaks from active parenting every now and then. A good parent is a generally balanced parent, not a constantly exhausted one.

Friendship (Post 2482)

I could write a million posts about my friends. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful bunch of them, whom I watch blossom and who make my life such a wonderful experience.

To my friends: thank you.

I just spent a wonderful weekend away (from Berlin, from the family), and with three friends whom I have known for nearly or over thirty years.

To my husband: thank you.

Not every mom can take it for granted that she can pack up her bags and leave three little ones behind, knowing that they will be in loving and caring hands. The possibility to close the door, leave and not worry for a second is a blessing.

Ethnic Prejudice

I went to an international school as a child, and consider myself quite tolerant of race, religion, sexual orientation and ethnicity. I do have problems with intolerance, and the recent attacks on Americans following an appalling video about Muhammed are an example for me of where intolerance leads to. Being a very political and touchy topic, I'll rather prove an example of my own shortcomings in this respect: In Berlin, there is a large Turkish minority (nearly 1/3 of the population). Having initially come as "guest workers", many Turkish people have stayed, had kids, and their kids have had kids. These "third generation" Turks mainly live in certain areas, and are viewed as a "problem" by Germans, as even if they hold German passports, they are not "assimilated" as much as Germans would like them to be. A big problem is language, as only recently did Berlin introduce a free last kindergarden year (at the age of 5 or 6), so many children only learn German "correctly" then. A solution I found constructive would be to provide also a free first year, to get the kids into the system early on. In any case, there are a few Turkish kids in our kids' private school (we have very few Turks in our area). I was surprised of three issues. 1) Both parents are Turkish, compared to most other kids' parents who are half German. 2) They live in Turkish areas, and drive their kids to school, whereas most families live close to the school. 3) They are not doctors or lawyers, as I expected (it's not a cheap school), but e.g. kindergarden teachers and bakers. Michelle Obama's biography has several parallels to this - people investing huge amounts into their children's education, but on the other hand being a rather closed community. Finally, the "prejudice" from my title: I had an embarrassing experience during a parent's evening yesterday. I partnered with a Turkish dad in an icebreaker excersise, where we had to tell three things about ourselves, one of which was untrue. The other had to guess which. One of the points the dad said was that he's a baker. I had always thought he's a rich doctor. Will I one day meet someone from an ethnic minority here in Berlin who does not fulfil the stereotypes? This city, wonderful as it is, is not tolerant. (Apologies, a muddled post. Complex thoughts on this issue. But better some muddled thoughts than silence.)

Can a City be a Home?

As I wrote a few days ago, ten years ago I thought I had moved to Berlin to stay. Actually, even just two months ago I still thought this. But when an opportunity to leave suddenly arises during a phase when one is constantly trying to fill a void, it's easier to open up options than when life is full and fulfilled. My answer to what my home is has always been: where my family (husband and kids) and friends are. Most of the latter are all over the world, and I can honestly say that although I know a hundred or more people in Berlin, I have - out of a dozen or so true friends in my life - one left here. So that leaves the city itself. The language? I dislike it more and more, because due to its rules and strict style, although I usually pass for German, I will never be good enough to work in German. Berlin is so cool, cheap, relaxed and interesting. But it's also poor (bankrupt, actually), dirty, rather ugly and big. I do love it, I admit. But it's not a healthy relationship if it does not love me (sniff, sniff)...

Working vs Staying at Home

I am jealous of all of those stay at home moms who enjoy this task. Look at my past half year, and follow my posts, and you can tell that I find it very difficult. I am not interested in shopping, decorating the home, thinking about what wonders to cook for the evening, and drinking coffee with other stay-at-home moms. It may sound ideal to some, I feel I have been at a low point with these tasks. I feel better now that I at least have a newspaper again, and although the working world is not connected to me, I am at least following what is happening in it. For my self-esteem, I still need two things. 1) I need to belong. This means that I need an identity other than motherhood. Self-fulfilling selfhood is not my strength - I will not pick up French vocabulary books and paint my way through the day, popping into art galeries in between. I will also not volunteer for Save the Children stalls. I wish I could, but I know myself to know I wont. My self-worth depends on (wrongly or rightly is irrelevant) having achieved something with all that I have invested into my studies and career so far: the "next step". 2) I need my own income. I need to know it is coming not from childcare, cleaning, cooking or other, but from point 1 before. Again wrongly or rightly, I feel that I need to see a reard for all these years of investments. Or 3) I need to manage go change my entire attitude to staying at home. I'm not sure that's possible, nor am I sure that I would want to. Having taken the path I have taken has been my choice, it has fit my interests and character, and provided a feeling of worth and success. Status as well. Am I willing to give this up? No. No. And no.

How to Bring and Pick Up Three Kids to and from Daycare

We don't have a car, nor would I drive if we did (I have a license but have never driven after getting it). This means that, wherever we go, we either walk, bike or take public transportation (which is great in Berlin). The distances to school / kindergarden (in one building), stores and friends are usually so short that it's easiest to walk. As our school / kindergarden are literally across the street, I don't even take the buggy for the youngest of our three (I try go get our kids to walk as much as possible on their own, the girls stopped using the buggy at 2 years). When our smallest was a baby, and it was winter, this meant that I not only carried the baby, but also all extra clothes, bags etc for the girls. I was one ridiculous-looking bag woman then. Things are now easier, as our eldest has a backpack and goes to class herself, and the youngest walks. But I nevertheless face one logistical challenge, which is that all three kids have different pick-up times, at least until our youngest has settled in properly and all school activities get going for the year (we have great afternoon clubs at school, so I don't need to take three kids to three different hobbies elsewhere). At least the distance is as short as it gets, and soon at least our eldest (6) can come home alone. With small kids, repeating the mantra "things will get easier" helps - and is at least in some respects true.

From Rags to Riches - Career Thoughts

I'm currently reading a biography on Michelle Obama, after this summer's autobiography of Barack Obama. I'm not very far into the book, but her story (poor background, Princeton and Harvard Business School, manager of large hospital fund earning hundreds of thousands per) year, now mom in chief) intrigued me - especially the last part, where she gives up her "own" job for the kids and country. What also interests me is the speed at which things took off for the Obama's. I'm seeing the same phenomenon (albeit as a fraction of the scale of the Obamas) around me, including with my husband's career. Two years ago, life was so different. Just two years! I can't even begin to imagine how a Barack or Michelle Obama feels, sitting in the White House, thinking back on their poor student days and first career years. Of course not everyone can or wants to be a shooting star. Nor is the direction only always upwards. Maybe small, incremental increases in power and wealth are a healthier norm, although most of us dream of that six or seven (!) figure salary...

Is a Move a Good Thing for the Kids?

A decade ago, after moving around a lot before and after highschool, I was fed up with getting to know a new place, and in particular new people. I felt like I needed to stay put, to grow some roots. So here I am, a decade later, still in Berlin where I moved to after my studies in London. One flat purchase and three kids later. Many friendships and a couple of job experiences richer. But when has one really arrived? All of my foreign friends agree that we will always remain foreigners, we will never learn the horrible conjugation of German grammar perfectly. And in times of short-term contracts and globalization, I have realized that most of my friends are again in different cities and countries, as they have moved away. I feel torn at the moment, between wanting to leave myself in search of better job prospects - and staying in what I know. And more importantly perhaps, I am ridden with insecurities as to what would be the best for our kids (6, nearly 5 and 1.5). Is a move a good thing, if the number of active languages would increase from three to four? If dad and mom may at some point be working? If it means yet another kindergarden and school, possibly in a new language? If one is not certain for how long one would stay? Is one's own fulfillment, and perhaps happiness, or the stability of the kids' surroundings more important? Is it worth it to take the risk? A lot of my friends, many who have moved also to developing countries, will surely be able to provide wise insights on this, and I would welcome as many wise words as possible.

(Berlin) MitteSchön

One of my favorite magazines is a free monthly for Berlin-Mitte, called Mitteschön www.mitteschoen.com. It mainly covers young people living here and new shops or developments in the area (a few dozen blocks around us). The funny thing is that it covers a life that I see but am not a part of (aside from the cafes). That is, it covers the young, hip, creative industry, such as trendy fashion label discoveries, new store concepts, or graphic designers etc. I know a few people working in such industries through our various school / kindergarden groups, but otherwise, it is a different universe from my world (consultants, ministries, etc.). I love walking past these stores, and seeing these people - all very individual and creative. And I enjoy having gotten to know this world at least a bit through the parents of my kids' friends. Would I enjoy walking past single houses with large gardens in the same way as I enjoy watching new temporary stores and whatnot spring up in every empty slot? Not to say that creative, unique people do not live in the outskirts - it's just that this is all not as visible in such areas. Berlin-Mitte, with all your horrible tourists (I still include myslef in this group), broken bottles and dog poo, wie schön! (ps I found some of my friends on the following cool site www.freundevonfreunden.com which interviews creative people in their own homes).

Many What Ifs in Life

I'm happy to be travelling to the US in a few week's time, just prior to the presidential election. We just watched Clinton's convention speech for Obama, which was dubbed in today's (German) paper as his third election speech leading to victory (knock on wood). America definitely has many quirks that us Europeans do not understand, but there is also so much genuine passion that is admirable. We often find it funny to try to imagine a German politician using the same arguments and style in an election speech. It unfortunately does not work. At all. When would a 50-minute speech feel like 10 minutes here? Already the term "presidential nomination" would probably need to be spoken out officially and legally and take five minutes, and be incomprehensible to 95 percent of the general public. Easy speak is not the strength of Germans. Then again, I'm not certain that Clinton's speech was easy to understand either. I know PEPFAR because I worked with the team. I know what "doubling down on trickle down" means because I have a degree in political science and economics. Perhaps I'm wrong, I hope I am. Whatever the case, I was wondering what turn my life would have taken if I would have gone and done a summer internship at the then newly-established Clinton Foundation. (I got pregnant and had my first child then instead). What if...

Berlin, I Ha-Ve You

Some time back, I watched a movie called "Paris, Je T'Aime". It wasn't much good, but I have a soft spot for the city. I then watched Woody Allen's "Midnight in Paris", which wasn't much good either, albeit it better than "From Rome With Love", his most recent movie (I am nevertheless a big Woody Allen fan, and have seen all of his movies). From this I'll jump to a more practical issue, which is that for several years, my husband has been arguing that Brussels is the place to go, if we both want to have a career. I wonder whether Woody Allen would film there - I doubt it. I have been having a love-hate (or hate-love, abbr ha-ve) relationship with Berlin lately, so I have been giving a move to someplace else more thought (than usual). I'd like to hear more from my Brussels friends for this reason. I may have cut any thoughts on this short, though, as when I compared our Berlin international school's admission fee (Eur 50) to that of the Brussels one (Eur 1000, non-refundable), my love for Berlin suddenly grew again. Around 20-fold.

Obama vs Romney

I have a very clear position on this election, which is that I am a big fan of Obama, and strongly against Romney (and in particular his Vice, Paul). Economically, I believe in progressive taxation. Politically, I believe in tolerance and choice. Just to note a few positions that would not be compatible with those of the Republican candidates. A few days ago, my husband brought home the Time Magazine from a flight. I was surprised how much in-depth coverage there was on Romney and Paul. Or perhaps more surprised when I realized the dominant focus European / German press places on analyzing Obama. I guess the readership here is more interested in what they know, what they mostly are in favor of. But also in the more human story of failed hopes and ambitions - the man who could not win against the establishment. Fingers crossed for the upcoming months - and four years to follow.

P Like Puke, P Like Pensions

Yours truly is the only one (out of 5) in this family still on her feet. Enough about puking, though. Rotating from caring for people on the bed and sofa, I got a surprising amount of reading done today. The top story in today's (German) paper was on the employment minister's ideas on how current workers need to save for their pensions, in order for these to be above the social security minimum. Yes, crazily enough - according to the minister's numbers - 35 years of earnings below EUR 2500 will result in a pension payment less than if one would just go on social security benefits. Whether or not one trusts her numbers (many do not), her idea that a top-up contribution to pension funds for 35 years should ensure at least the minimum benefit is highly controversial. The main critics argue that this would not make financial sense for either the contributer nor the state (which would have to pay most of the bill), but would also burden mainly the younger generation. I think that my own generation (30+) has given up on pension plans in the traditional sense. Who really beliebes that our payments make sense for our own pension rewards? Very few people I know, including myself. It's important to have a Plan B, be it property or some other investment. The lavish pensions our own parents receive are something we will look back at with some envy.

Puke - Lots of It

Some time back, I wrote a post dedicated to the wonders of children's snot. Tonight, we move to the advanced level, puke.

If you have ever watched Little Britain - and I know many of my friends have - you will know the sketch where one of the actors throws up, in buckets, as if a large fat firehouse had been turned on full blast. Well, I now have a live substitute for this at home: my youngest. He had never thrown up before last night, but wow, the amount of stuff he can bring up, while on my shoulder, aimed at me, is pretty spectacular. It feels like a splatter movie in real, and is so awful that it makes me laugh - which is pretty dangerous, as it is vital to keep my eyes and mouth tightly shut during this process.

Yesterday I wrote that the only important thing in these situations is that I myself stay healthy, so that things keep going. Well, I take that back. The only important thing at the moment is that the washing machine does not collapse. My second daughter started throwing up this afternoon as well. And small kids means that they don't aim for a toilet bowl or bucket. They throw up over pillows, duvets, mattresses, carpets - and me.

I just sat in the sauna, heated up to 100 degrees, for ten minutes. I showered twice. And I drank a large cognac. Two down, three to go (people in the household, not cognacs).

Good Day, Bad Day

In Germany, children that start first grade receive a large "cone" filled with presents and (the more the merrier the children) sweets. We had our ceremony at school with our eldest daughter yesterday. The younger of our girls received a "sibling cone", which is a slightly smaller version of the large cone; our youngest got a "tiny cone" (which he ate, including the cardboard - at least he was quiet during the ceremony). It was a lovely sunny day, and I met some good friends afterwards (without the kids) for dinner and drinks. A good if not great day.

During the night, we transitioned to slightly less good, as the eldest daughter was unable to sleep, so my husband camped on a mattress in front of her bed. Our youngest then threw up (for the first time, at 1.5 years, which is quite a blessing that it happened so late). We juggled our way through the day, but in the evening, he threw up all over the children's room floor. The washing machine has already done four extra loads today. Would I call it a bad day? Actually not. The potential is miserable, though, if one, two, three or four other family members get infected as well. May mommy stay healthy, not for egoistic reasons (lying in bed for a day is luxury these days, no matter what the cause!), but for altruistic ones - I need to keep the family running. Fingers crossed. (And if anyone is wondering whether the throwing up and eating of a cardboard cone are related, I have experience with kids eating strange things and doubt it. But perhaps this is the price for a quiet ceremony.)