Being there for friends - in good times, in bad times...

(Another sing-along title. Please, enjoy, and remember all those karaoke evenings with old-fashione tape players and booklets!)

I had lunch with a friend of mine recently (yes, I do lots of lunches!), and she told me about a girly weekend - away from her three kids (who have the same ages as mine do). We agreed that there's not much that beats such get-aways for us moms. And her conclusion was that these friendships are what really count in life. The love, the support, walking this path called life together. I agree.

Some of my friends have gone through very difficult phases in the past years. And I'm not talking about "oh how my work is not working out" phases that I complain about, but real life and death phases. Every single time, it's a reminder of what really counts in life. You, my dear friends, and your happiness, which grows when I hear about it. And those difficult phases - they thankfully pass. Or time heals. I have such strong friends. Always inspiring.

Knock Knock, and The Door Opens

When One Door Closes…

…Some other door may open. I’ve knocked on a handful in the past three months, so far to no real avail. In some way, I’ve been knocking on the same door that I myself closed. At times I have knocked just to check whether anyone is still there, at times I have been ready to step back through if the door would open. A few times, it has opened a crack, and either I have decided to close it again, or the person on the other side has closed it for me.

But while waiting, I also saw another door, and knocked on that as well. The door was a strange one, because I could choose where it would lead. Before opening, I needed to convince the people with the key that I knew where I was going. It sounds a bit like Alice in Wonderland.

In this story, Alice had a couple of weeks to think about what she really wanted to do. What is the real value-added that I can offer? A trained generalist, who decided to specialize in infectious diseases in developing countries. Who opened that door years ago, got her foot in, and has been nudging her way forward. But feeling like the tunnel I was walking through, at times elbowing through, more like crawling through, was getting narrower and lower and fuller. I love this space, but I have not been successful in creating MY space in this area.

So I sat down, walked around, walked the treadmill, and talked to lots of friends. I blogged endless, endless pages. And right now, this is where I can offer value. This is what I want to change in the world right now. I want to continue my small part in saving lives, and decreasing unnecessary suffering. It’s what tears at my heart, and what I believe in. But in order to carve out my space, I need to work on these skills for a while, and to change how the tunnel works.

A new door has opened, and I look forward to walking through, and hopefully after this passage, be able to open another door to the room that I feel I belong to. And I hope that I will then walk into a space that allows me to grow.

Life – or at least careers – are rarely linear. At least mine hasn’t been. I look forward to this detour. Who knows where it will take me.

Dress to Impress - but don't forget to really impress

At home, I'm one of those no-make-up, pulled-whatever-I-found-out-of-the-closet, no-jewelry, wearing-my-grandma-slippers types. When I go to events or go out, I try to at least cover the black and bags under my eyes, and check that my clothes are neat and match. And not surprisingly, wearing my "work armor" (some makeup, jewelry, a suit, a nice scarf) makes me feel more comfortable in my "work" role.

A friend of mine who used to work from home once told me that she learned to go into "work mode" by getting dressed properly and working in a designated "work space" in her home. Before she'd been working in her PJs, and work and other life had gotten mixed up. I feel that way with being dressed for work. I don't overdress, nor do I wear fancy, expensive clothes or jewelry, but it's a symbolic change - and I change back when I get back home (also because I feel sweaty in suit jackets, and having three young kids would end in daily trips to the dry-cleaner…).

My husband, who works in the private sector, tells me how "work armor" plays a large role among his colleagues. It's not only about looking neat, but having polished, expensive shoes (think House of Cards), a flashy watch (perhaps not a Rolex, but also not a Swatch), and well-fitting suit. He's thankfully more like me - trying to look neat and fit into client expectations, but not really caring about whether something is expensive (and finding such expenditure slightly or very useless).

Clothes may provide that first-second impression, but after that first second, any well-dressed woman needs to open her mouth and prove that there's content behind the shell. Dress to impress may only take you as far as becoming a nice receptionist, but what really impresses is beyond any watch, shoeshine and LV-scarf….  

Little, Middle and Big Happiness

Many of us try to optimize our "happiness" levels. There's even some discussion on this topic in politics and economics, where people are debating whether "happiness or well-being measures" should replace standard quantitative measures such as GDP.

Happiness is a very subjective issue, but there are dozens of studies that show trends, such as "people with families are happier and healthier", or "people with jobs are happier and healthier" etc.

My own approach to happiness has been working on two ends: big happiness (family, friends, health, a balanced life, etc) and little happiness (a good book, a great cup of coffee, a truffle from Brussels). But there's also a "middle happiness" - a something in between. 

"Middle happiness" is not just a combination of the big, although it can be: put me together with a great friend, a cup of coffee and some truffles, and it's pretty much as good as it gets. But more often, middle happiness is something I judge and measure at the end of each day. It's influenced by things from the big and small category, but also by many variables that are beyond these two categories, such as hormones and weather, or random social interactions during the day with people who mean little to me in the longer run, but affect my momentary well-being (such as colleagues).

Aside from slightly abstract ramblings, I'd like to be grateful today. After a few weeks where I felt like everyone wanted something from me, and I was challenged by ill health of the kids and myself, I've been receiving positive thanks and feedback this week. Not from the sources I've "given to", but at the end of the day, that doesn't really matter.

Give happiness and you will eventually be rewarded with happiness. Or something along those lines, to keep you trying to be a good person in this world….  

More thoughts on Parenting

Just in case you crave more blog posts by me (those of you who do not, have long ago dropped off this one!), I recently started co-writing a second blog with one of my dearest, most inspiring friends. We have written to each other for over 20 years, and have kept in touch through thick and thin, across streets and countries and continents. And as we are both mothers (she of two lovely boys, one my godson; me of two girls and one boy, one of my daughters being her goddaughter), we decided to make some of our exchanges about parenting public:

http://hongkong-berlin.blogspot.de

Enjoy our little multi-culti-world conversations. Two Finns, who converse only in English, and write from Berlin and Hong Kong respectively…. What a world!

And as always, please do comment or email. The more input, the more inspiration. And at least those among you whom I know, you have so much to share and inspire. Please do. We can all learn so much from it.