Things that change before giving birth - and things that don't

I have read every single piece of advice and list of "to dos" that is available online for the days before giving birth. As this is my fourth child, I am probably re-reading lists and tips for the fourth time. At the end of the day, the only advice is: be patient. If there's one thing that is not my asset, it's patience. Although I knew that this baby is likely to be born around the due date (or slightly after), as all other three children, I have for three weeks been determined that "it could (and should!) happen any time now".

Maybe if my body and brain would not be shutting down, things would be easier. My nesting instinct is just increasing by the hour ("do I really have to leave the house at all?") and my range and intensity of interest in the world outside (news, my beloved news!) is dwindling to zero. I can't even concentrate enough to finish a crossword puzzle or sudoku, things that I would usually do to wind down. I'm still trying to read (newspapers, a great book), but there's only so much one can read each day.

I'm happy to shut down - it's healthy before what expects me (a strenuous birth, weeks and months of end of sleepless and tiring days and nights), but it would be great if I could also switch off fully in terms of impatience. If I could just feel utter harmony, and drift along each day with a placid smile on my face, instead of gritting my teeth that this wait feels so long (you should see me at 3am, when I realise that again it's a night when it's not going to start...).

My little whine of the day. The day after tomorrow is my official due date, I have no reason whatsoever to complain, I know!

What would you do on your last day of .... freedom?

Still waiting, waiting, waiting. With my husband and kids gone for the weekend for the third week in a row (as I can't travel, they're trying to ensure I get some rest, and they are enjoying a few get-aways and quality time out of the city), time is passing by very, very, very slowly.

Soon I'll have this lovely baby to care for, but that also means being chained to routines, and - let's face it - a loss of freedom (temporarily), as my own needs, desires and whims will come last for a while.

Why is it so difficult to invest into "quality time" when I know I still have it? Exhibitions, cafes, concerts galore? I keep asking myself: "If this is your last day of freedom, what would you like to do?" And I end up vacuuming, sorting things in the house, doing some basic shopping, spending far too much time online.

On the other hand, I'm trying not to pressure myself to do things. This is probably normal "nesting instinct", the opposite of running around and doing things I'd do during a normal vacation. I'm also physically not up for running around anymore the way I did a few weeks ago. And it's probably normal that I'm turning my thoughts and actions inwards - which is where I'll need to concentrate on sooner than later.

Five days to go until my due date.

Pre-birth 2 - Ready, Set......

I knew from my past pregnancies that I don't deal very well with sitting at home and waiting for the baby to arrive. I've sorted everything, built all furniture, am rested, and am ready to go. I've enjoyed long walks, running errands, meeting friends, sitting in cafes. I even for the first time knitted some outfits for the baby, pre-cooked some basic meals - including a post-birth chicken soup. I read all newspapers online, and my daily newspaper cover to cover.

And I still would continue to do so, juggling things to keep myself busy (=sane), if we wouldn't have a strong heat wave that it keeping me indoors. Berlin is not a city of air-conditioning, and stepping outside into the heat and sun isn't compatible with my current state. My stomach is also too heavy for long outings.

So, I have officially entered the "get this baby out of here" phase. I still have a full 10 days until my official due date. Wish my luck/sanity until then. Thanks!

Pre-birth - hormones and gratitude

My upcoming birth results in a lot of life-and-death thoughts at the moment. I work in an area where I use the statistic "800 women die from pregnancy and child-birth EVERY DAY" very regularly, and although I live in Berlin, I'm aware that giving birth is not without risks, anywhere. It's probably much less risky than crossing the street, but as these risk ratings go, we always tend to overestimate risks from non-standard events - and giving birth is something we don't do a hundred times a day.

I not only think about what life for my family would mean without me, but am also much more conscious that my family members live lives that can involve accidents, diseases or even death - at any time. It's simply a thought that is often there for many parents, and very much on the surface in these late stages of pregnancy. It's probably linked to an evolutionary instinct to want to survive, and for women, wanting our children to survive as well.

Giving birth soon has also put many of my friendships in perspective. I am so very grateful for every one of my friends, even if our lives (building careers and having children left and right) currently means that we lack time and energy to be in as much active contact as we'd like to.

I am very grateful for all I have, and all I have had. I often complain, want to have more, want to do things differently, expect others to behave and act differently - but at the end of the day, during this phase directly before birth, it all doesn't matter. We're here and we're blessed to be here, and most of us are so blessed to live healthy, secure, peaceful lives.

Gratitude.

What have a I learned over the past year about careers & kids?

I was today interviewed by a researcher working on careers+kids. She is conducting 135 qualitative/narrative interviews around the world, and although nearly done, said she is still fascinated by each and every story. I can relate, as although I didn't interview as many people during my one-year project on the topic - and many of them were friends, who have absolutely fascinating stories to tell - the topic is one that quickly gets personal, goes into depth and illuminates so many different philosophies and experiences in life.

I was asked several questions during the one-hour interview that I found difficult to answer, such as "what is a good mother?", "what is a good father?" and "what do you tell young women who are thinking about the topic?". On the first two, I more and more believe that moms and dads can (and possibly should) be interchangeable as primary parents and caretakers (I'd in particular like that to be case for pregnancy and giving birth, as well as breastfeeding during the night, as I approach my birth due date in two weeks!). And I more and more think that what I should be telling young people is to "STOP THINKING", and just go with what you feel. Especially in Germany. We today discussed in length how German bureaucracy can prevent any sane, educated person from making decisions. The amount of research required to understand the policies is just impossible (all in legal jargon, dozens of pages long, completely and utterly contradictory and incomprehensible), as is the amount of paperwork needed once the baby is born (to get a birth certificate, to apply for allowances and benefits, etc., all in the same legal jargon format). One can spend months on end trying to figure out how much a child will cost, and what tax implications it will have. And yes, sadly many people also seem to have kids based on how many bedrooms are available, as I've noticed with some friends. Or car seats, once the decision goes from 3 to 4.

Are these really the right criteria or inhibitors to having children? A room per child, a car seat per child, an extra plane ticket per child? Yes, children take up space. They are expensive, especially if you decide to go for private care and schools, and like travelling (long distances) by plane, and staying in hotels. But is this a reason not to have (more) kids?

I realize I haven't written anything about careers yet. Perhaps because I've now been out of the office for a week, and am fully out of work mode (how quickly things change!). I'll leave that to another post (I'm currently reading the Never Ending Story with my two older girls, and those who know the book well will know the sentence "but that is another story, to be told some other time").  

Maternity Leave - Fourth Time

I wrote my last post when I started a full-time office job. Not surprising, but I didn't miss or think of blogging while working (and running my career project on the side). I've noticed the same trend with all of my blogger friends: Once back at the office (at the lastest), the blog dies down. There are enough outlets elsewhere in the job, there's less of a need to think about what drives life and our thoughts, and conversations happen as - well, conversations - not in the format of "dear diary/blog/someone out there".

I'm back at home now, on my first official day of maternity leave. Number four is arriving (at the latest) in a month's time. Kids one, two and three (sounds like Dr Seuss) are at school camp and kindergarden this week, and I'm keeping the babysitter to ensure that I maximise relaxation and own time until I'm chained to the house again for a couple of weeks.

I again realise how different these two worlds are: career and rest-of-life. I have a strong social network through my job, and although I work very intensively (and often grab a quick lunch at my desk or have 30 minutes downtime while reading the newspaper and eating), I work in a social environment, constantly coordinating with and meeting people. I occasionally meet people outside of work, but once back at the office, the "housewives" quickly made clear that I'm probably much too much in career-mode (in terms of content, drive and time management). I've had a couple of "oh, you're back? Let's have a coffee!" encounters over the past weeks, so I guess the divide is rigid, but not irreversible. I find it a shame nevertheless, because I don't think I've ever excluded either group from my different (career or housewife) phases.

This maternity leave will in length resemble the first two, where I returned to study / work within the first months (three and five respectively at the time). This time I'm planning on going back after six, when my husband takes over for a second half-year stint. It's a good feeling, to know that I have a place to go back to, and that my other-than-being-a-mom life will continue. I hope this also means that I can enjoy these upcoming months more, although based on experience, our kids don't sleep, breastfeeding is a constant juggle, and I'll be at the end of my wits.

We'll see.

A Year of Big Changes

Happy New Year!

Over the past months, I have been working a lot on my health/development project, as well as my career+family project. This means I've had an outlet for both topics I tend to cover in this blog, and have neglected this space here - also for the lack of time.

For the next six months, I'm picking up the pace on work, and you can expect even less blogging here. After several weeks of sleepless nights, I decided to accept a full-time office job offer. I weighed principles ("a regular office job is too rigid for me") with practicalities ("I've had a great experience with this job so far, and would be sad to leave"). I also, for the first time, felt like I can't afford to start from scratch at this age (35) anymore, and that, despite our stable household income, I want to earn my own, stable income - and have a stable job identity.

I also accepted the job because my employer supports me in my situation - as a mother. And not only as a mother of three, but as an expectant mother of a fourth.

Yes, an absolutely crazy year ahead. And I'm putting to practice what I preach. I'll muddle through. And in a year or two, I'll be happy I did.

Because I love my job.

And I'm not getting younger!

May all of your wishes for 2015 come true. Take a leap of faith and a first step.

Outside of the office - but not outside of work

We have had beautiful weather in Berlin for most of September (and over the past year overall, compared to my past 12 years here). Before meetings in the evening and an evening event, I sat in a park in my t-shirt and without socks, and worked from there. It felt great!

Today, I am working from home, because my eldest daughter is ill. She has been in bed reading Harry Potter (4) the entire day, so I have worked consistently without interruption. Well, we had a small interruption, because we decided to make some chocolate truffles, from her school cooking class recipe booklet. I don't think I've ever made chocolate truffles before. It was fun!

Working freelance has its downsides, but it sure does have benefits as well. I can power away for 9 hours, plus evenings if I choose (once the kids are in bed). But I can also take a walk, go and run at the gym for an hour, run some errands, read a newspaper, or take a breather and play some piano (now that I am taking lessons again, I'm motivated!). In other words, I can sprint (the way I like working), and alternate with breathers.

My office experiences over the past ten years have been different. There's an occasional sprint here or there, but most of the time, it has been an attempt to pace work over a period of time that is too long. I simply don't take 9 hours straight to get my daily work done - because I love working super fast.

And - this is probably my own fault - I'm not able to take breathers at the office. Especially in a shared office, opening the newspaper (which in my case I find essential for my work as a lobbyist and having to small talk about a lot of current politics in various settings!) makes me feel like I'm a slacker. Or taking a walk - or even two or three - a day. Surprisingly, there hasn't been a piano anywhere nearby. Nor my washing machine to run a load in between…

Increasingly, I'm starting to believe that working outside of an office is ideal. I can still have meetings - I simply have to jump on my bike or take the subway, and more than enough people are dying to get out of their own offices, and like meeting at a cafe or over lunch. I can participate in all calls. And I can have a social life, meeting contacts for coffees and lunches, and an occasional friend beyond work settings over lunch.

If I ever do return to an office setting, which is possible - perhaps even likely, I hope that I can transport some of this feeling of freedom, of "this actually is necessary to my work" back in. Instead of feeling caged in.

 

Resolving Conflicts without Violence (or ARGH)

I finally finished Rosenberg's book on resolving conflicts without violence last night. I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I read it. Somewhere around the first third I struggled, when concepts such as "cosmic energy" popped up in every sentence (I'm not a 'cosmic energy'-kind of person).

As I mentioned in my last post, I have lots of "argh" moments at work, and I felt like these were becoming so systematic and repetitive that I was not only boring my friends to death, but also myself. So what better at this age (mid-30s) than to read some 'how to change your life'-books?

Rosenberg has worked all around the globe, from inner-city problem schools in Chicago to therapy groups for sexual abuse to the Israeli-Palestine conflict. And most interestingly, he's a parent, so he also discusses "conflicts" with children. Here are a few things I learned, or that were reconfirmed but I found valuable:

1) It's not all about you - but on the other hand it is. There are many interests and feelings in the world, and it's good to be aware that those interests and feelings at times conflict. Being successful at work may mean that someone else feels threatened, and a conflict results. New to me was the piece of advice to focus back on yourself, instead of ending up lost in strategic games and 'everyone has complex interests, and there's no solution'. Rosenberg's key message is to communicate. Not only try to figure out why someone is acting the way they are (they rarely do things because they are EVIL!), but express what this means for you. Your kids are wrecking havoc jumping on the sofa and screaming, and you feel like your head will burst? Maybe they need to get out and move? But maybe you can't go out right then, so you can explain why their action needs to change - because it's negatively impacting you (head hurts from noise!). Construct an indoor trampoline, somewhere behind a door you can close or wear earphones and listen to music? Your boss wants crazily long, daily reports? You don't have any time to do any work you like anymore? Communicate. Try to find out why the boss wants so many reports, and explain why this is negatively impacting your motivation and happiness at work. Try to find a solution how your boss' need to receive sufficient information and your own time can become aligned in a better way. Have lunch once a week?

2) Trust people - also kids. And treat every person with as much respect as you would if you'd meet Gandhi - or whomever you admire - most. Be an example of how you want your kids to talk to you, and to others. (Battling with this one!)

3) Learn to live with 'guilt'. There are so many things to change in the world. Try to change them (don't just meditate!). But also allow yourself to be happy of the lucky life you live (not in poverty, without need). See it as a resource that will make you stronger to tackle the changes you want to make. Don't use them as an excuse not to make those changes, though…find a balance.

4) Don't do things in the long run that you hate doing. If it means quitting a job, quit your job. There are no "musts" in life.

As you can tell, all a bit cosmic and incredibly difficult to implement in practice. It involves changing the way you talk, the way you use words, the speed at which you listen and provide advice. But perhaps something will stick. (I of course spend the morning shouting because I had slept little, two of three kids were being quite bratty and being really uncooperative with getting dressed for school, hah! And I have to think back to a book I read around a year ago, which had the message that you should accept and embrace your anger….)        

(On a parallel, I also just finished Vargas Llosa's The Way to Paradise the evening before, which I'm again glad I finished and read, although somewhere around the middle I could have declared it the worst book ever, among the category of Nobel-prize winners, that is. Conclusion for both books: endurance and persistence sometimes helps and makes the trip and temporary struggles worthwhile, at least when it comes to books.)

Managing Conflicts at Work

Any more regular reader of this blog knows that I have frequent "argh" moments with colleagues at work. I like cooperation, not competition, but sometimes the latter can't be avoided, in particular in pyramid-shaped hierarchies where the air gets thinner when you try to stand up (for your work, for your rights, or because you want to start making decisions and take more responsibility one day).

I was advised to read a book by Marshall Rosenberg on the topic of conflict management - I'll let you know what I think. I often think that I already think too much about conflicts, over-analyze them, and let them become overwhelming in all parts of my life - but I'll give it a try to think about it again.

Another tip I got was: avoid conflicts - simply don't join a hierarchical organization again. This is something I've been thinking about for quite a while now, when conflicts in organizations tend to be inherent in my case, and I'm much happier with my work and life when I can work freelance. So perhaps this is the solution: Managing Work without Conflicts? Instead of Managing Conflicts at Work?

A bit too simple, but sometimes it's good to get down to some basics, instead of living in this hyper-complex strategic work world of ours….

Between Life-Saving Vaccinations and Sanity-Increasing Work-Life-Balance

I can confirm my mother's standard question "no news, good news?" It has been a brilliant summer, and a very good past couple of months. I have poured most of my blog output into my project on combining careers and children - hence less ramblings on this site. A quick recap on where I stand:

After quitting my full-time office job at the end of 2013, I won a fellowship for a year to work on a project of my own choice. I had applied with a project proposal on making career and family more compatible. The project kicked off in June, and will run until June 2015. The months before, I continued to work in my own field (health for developing countries, known as global health) on a freelance, part-time basis. I recently picked this up again, and started working on another global health project on a part-time basis, to promote life-saving vaccinations for all children in poor countries.

It has been an incredibly fulfilling few months. I have managed to juggle my projects at a pace that suits my life - at times at a crazy pace, putting in 14-16 hour days. At times at a zero-pace, when I have needed to focus fully on having a day as a breather, spending some vacation quality time offline and off-work with the family, and spending quality time with friends and family who came over to Berlin to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary with us (blessed us!). In other words, I have managed to multi-task and juggle my life in a way that I enjoy it. There has been enough time to do everything that I like - including dance classes and my newest: picking up on piano lessons - WHEN I need it.

Do I regret quitting my office job? Not for one second. The more I think about it, the more this model of freelancing suits my life - and perhaps every working parent's life? It only works on two premises though: 1) either you are a risk-taker, or have a partner who has a stable income - because you never know what will follow the end of a project, and 2) you need to be far enough in your career - or determined enough - to get that next project.

Here are 5 reasons why I think having flexible job is better than having a permanent contract (with long office and presence requirements):

1) 9-5 jobs allow for very little flexibility. And if there's one thing that you need with kids: it's flexibility. For sicknesses, for those horror nights when all are throwing up and you just need to sleep the next day for a couple of hours, for all the errands you need to - or want to - keep running, for all these random vacations they get from daycare and school.
2) With a flexible job, you can schedule "own time" (sports, rest, reading a newspaper, meeting a friend for coffee) during the day - and work from a computer at home in the evening instead when the kids are in bed (reminder: I have a commuting husband with unreliable travel days - difficult to schedule anything properly in the evenings unless I want to bleed babysitting money; and most evening courses etc fall exactly into the time when the kids are still awake…)
3) It doesn't feel like a dead-end. No internal politics!!!! Whoop whoop!
4) It doesn't feel like a dead-end 2. No next promotion, no pay-rises to negotiate. No hierarchy games.
5) In theory, there are breaks between contracts if that's what you want, and are willing to take the risk when saying "no" if e.g. a project high time falls into the months of July/August. There's actual, real vacation….

Happy end of summer - enjoy the last rays of sun and warmth! We'll need it for the upcoming months.

Half a Life

Today, 17 years ago, I met the man whom I am married to, and who is father to my three lovely (and at times little monster) kids. We have been engaged for exactly 12 years to the day, and are celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary this year. Being 34, we have known each other for exactly half a life.

If our life were a movie, it would be Before Sunrise, and its two sequels. I'm not quite Julie Delpy and he's not quite Ethan Hawke, but the story is similar. I wonder whether there will be a Part IV, and whether it will reflect our life in the same way. At least Julie and Ethan Hawke have aged very well, and continue to have witty conversations - and are still together, in the movie that is.

I talked to a friend on the phone today. She means a lot to me, and I've always felt that we connect on many levels. And such relationships always remind me how far back I go with many of my friends. Way beyond half a life, in some cases 10/11ths of a life. That's nearly all my life.

(Half a Life also reminds me of a VS Naipaul book with the same title. I remember liking it, but as with many books, have absolutely no idea what it was about anymore. Thankfully I save the best for a second reading - perhaps when I'm twice the age I am now, or for my friends or children.

Tomorrow we're at half a year, so Happy Midsummer everyone! Enjoy the longest day of the year in our hemisphere.

Outputs Outputs Everywhere

I've been awfully bad at writing regularly, which reflects how crazily busy I have been the past month or two. I'm juggling a lot of balls at the moment, and what's keeping me from writing here is the need to produce quite a few public "outputs" elsewhere. I have invested a lot of time into blogs, a website, and a mountain-load of emails. A couple of phone calls (as anyone who knows me: I don't do phone calls!). And coffees without end.

It's all been very productive and active, and I have met a whole bunch of interesting people through my new project. It again and again proves that housewife galore just isn't what works for me, when my radius tightens, my social meetings dwindle (mainly to other housewives), and that dustball behind the door just becomes too interesting.

I have no idea what I'll end up producing or attaining through this project. Do I have goals? Of course I do. But equally important is to enjoy the process. I'm in that wonderful honeymoon phase of learning, eagerly meeting new people, reading, and fascinated by a whole new world out there. I know from experience that this euphoric phase ends after a while, so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can.

It's good to see that not only are my kids growing (my eldest turned 8 yesterday, and we are as of last night a diaper-free household - literally 8 years to the day - as my youngest slept his first night without a diaper). But I am still growing as well, and feel like life is not "moving on" without me.

It's a good feeling, and it's what makes me happy. I may be treading on the same spot, year in year out, with my career, but as long as I learn while I do so, so what?

Understanding different motivations - mapping incentives

I'm not a very strategic person, although I do not lack goals, determination and plans on how to reach my goals. I wrote one of my Master's theses on strategy, and originally specialized in security policy in part because I was so fascinated by Sun Tzu's and Clausewitzs' books on strategies in wars (surreal time-warp feeling while I type this, as I now work in such a different field).

It's strange to be interested in strategy, but lack skills in it. I still lack the ability to understand that other people have motivations - personal and organizational, and that I need to take these into account when working with people. After ten years of working, it's strange to still have "aha" moments when I realize that we do not all work for the same cause, in the same way. We compete in an awfully large number of issues, even when working on one single small project.

Strategic thinking - understanding also the moves of your "enemies" (in war), or "colleagues" (hmmm - what a parallel…) - is probably vital to success in the workplace. It's about knowing how to wiggle through, how to feeds some of others' needs while sticking to your own, knowing how to avoid constantly running into walls or creating counter-productive reactions and in-fights….

In part, it's about understanding people's actions in a more objective way. I tend to emotionalize, and react emotionally. "Why is someone trying to ruin my problem, and be mean?" When in real life, most of the time a more strategic person will think: "Some of our goals conflict. How can we compromise, trade, avoid larger conflicts, and still attain our goals?"

(Although sometimes people - also colleagues - are just plain mean and evil, trying to ruin projects and others just because they can, or enjoy doing so! And they can join my "never trust this person" list, and will stay on it for a very, very long time. And they will never transition from the "strategic colleague" group to "a friend beyond work" list.)

Thank YOU

A quick note to say a heart-felt thanks to my blog readers. It touches me each time someone mentions they read a few posts now and then. It's a lot of (rather repetitive) rambling to follow, and as a blog has something like a "mass mail" feeling to it, reading blogs is a bit like skimming through to find something relevant or interesting. I have to admit that I don't regularly read any blogs, but simply for one reason: my friends do not write any, or give up quickly (poo poo!!). I read blog entries mainly to find information, e.g. on a specific topic through a google search. But I'd love to read more by people I know….hint hint, nudge nudge.

Salary "Negotiation" - Upfront or at End?

When I applied for my last "office job", I was unsure whether I would - as a mom of three and with a commuting husband - be a very productive employee. My biggest worry was that I wouldn't manage the juggle - or that I wouldn't have control over all of the balls. It all worked out very well in the end, and I would say that I was just as productive - if not more - than I would have been without kids. I worked at a fast pace during the day to ensure I'd get things done. And I invested work time in the evenings when necessary - and when I felt like something was important or I wanted to clean my to-do plate quickly.

But when I applied and interviewed for the job, I had many self-doubts. I wanted the job (content-wise), and decided to try my best. But at the back of my head, I was worried about one big factor: the job had been advertised without a salary. This is usually, but not always, a bad sign. In this case it was a horrible sign. I interviewed and interviewed, and finally found out what the salary would be. I literally cried, because it was the lowest I had ever earned. I accepted the job nonetheless, thinking I would find other fulfillment and rewards, and hopefully climb the ladder (or jump!) quickly.

I'm currently in talks with another company, and have been asked for a salary expectation. I've been open this time around, and have stated my expectation. In return, I have asked whether this is at all in the ballpark that they can budget. No response. Talk first, pay later.

I understand that it makes sense for a potential employer to "lure" candidates in. Some employees may never consider a company or position if the salary is stated publicly. I sure would not have with my previous position. An interview process is relationship-building in some way, and an investment on both sides. An employee may feel like all that time and effort energy invested into interviews would be lost, just because the salary is much lower than expected in the end. The company may get a good deal this way, or may have sold themselves on other factors - making an employee realize that they are willing to take a cut.

On the other hand, I'm more and more starting to think that interviews are like sunk costs. No matter how much time and energy I invest, this doesn't justify taking a huge cut in the end. The expectations are simply too far apart if the financials are not even on the same planet. It's simply been wasted time then.

I think the best strategy is to try to compromise. If an organization is unwilling to make public their poor (or amazing?) salary package, I'm willing to give them a benefit of doubt - for a while. But after a while, I don't think it's worth anyone's time to go through lots of interviews without knowing whether you'll be driving a scooter or a Porsche. It does make a difference, and sometimes there are bills to pay, a life to live, and there's no option to take huge pay cuts.

In short: I'm all for transparency and up-front salary information. But I understand that it's not always in a company's interest - it rarely probably is, unless "truly competitive package" means exactly that, and not "absolutely appallingly embarrassing package".

Any thoughts or experiences - please comment or email me!

Work (for free) even before you interview

I've come across a very worrying trend: working (for free) even before interviewing for a position.

Recently, a friend asked me to support a job application of his, as he needed to prove that he has a network in the field I work in. He's a lovely guy, and good at his work, so I agreed and passed on my CV. Shortly afterwards, he let me know that he had pulled back from the application, because the organization he had applied for had sent him a list of questions to answer - as part of the selection process - which was around a task list for 6 months of work.

This organization then contacted me - as they had my CV - for a talk. I always try to keep all doors open, and although I don't have time for new larger projects at the moment, you never know what may come up down the road. Note that I didn't know what exactly I had applied for, nor have any information on the conditions of the position. In the first few minutes of the talk, I tried to find out what exactly the position would be, and whether it would be compatible with the time I have available. I received rather vague answers, but instead got interviewed for an hour. Alarm bells ringing after my friend's story from before, I was careful with what information I was sharing. I requested to find out more about what exactly is on offer.

Shortly afterwards, I received a message to ask whether I'd be willing to answer some written questions - and that information on the "contract" would follow afterwards. The tone got nastier when I replied that I'm happy to provide input once I know what the job is like, and whether the conditions would work with what I offer…

Worryingly, I've had a simliar experience over a year ago. Although not this blatantly exploitative, I at the time wondered whether to complete a written task - which required a day of research and work - for a position that I had applied for. At the time I really wanted the position, and the task came at the end of the interview process. I was also willing to "work pro bono" for one day for this organization and for the cause, even if not offered the position in the end (I was). But even then, I wondered how convenient it is for an organization to "interview" 20 candidates, and save a few week's worth of work this way.

It's very sad to know that many people are so desperate for jobs that they will fulfill these tasks, in the hope to get a position. Which, to be paranoid, may not even exist? Or be paid so poorly that no-one would accept? Strategically, a brilliant move for an organization, which hopes to reap free manpower. In the long run, I hope that all such organizations get shamed and that these stories spread, as this is simply pure deceit towards applicants, no matter what the motivations of the organization is. They may not have funds, and are hoping to build expertise, even hoping to hire some staff this way. They may be working for the most worthy cause ever.

But NOT like this.

Preparing for the Launch - and wondering whether there will be a take-off...

It has been a busy couple of weeks. For once, not because the kids are constantly ill (knock on wood!), but because my work projects have been time-intensive. I'm finishing off my project that I started early this year - which has, after a lot of ranting, gone surprisingly well the past weeks. Either it helped to be clear on what my colleagues can expect me to do in terms of "crap work", or I had simply front loaded all such work, and there's none left…

My next project is launching in early June, and there has been a fair amount of preparation going on. With the support of my funder, we are filming a launch clip this week, and I have been putting together the content, and coordinating a group of people who will participate. As the project is about families and careers, it has been important for me to ensure that the film clip is not just about me. I'm simply the coordinator, and trying to pull together different voices on the matter. It has been a lot of work, and I have a great team to keep pushing me to think about what story I really want to tell (at this point) - I therefore hope that it not only launches, but also takes off!

Thanks to all of you who have already contributed incredibly useful advice, contacts and thoughts. And thanks to all who have spent hours on end talking to me about this issue. In terms of funding, this project is currently a one-woman-only show (and even that not full-time), but so far, I have felt like there are really many people working and helping to support me - and most importantly - this project. Grateful.

Life with a couple of jobs - simultaneously - and the luxury of vacation

A couple of months ago, life was somehow frustratingly empty. I managed - and enjoyed - to do the crossword in the paper each day! I asked for life to get slightly more exciting (I have low blood pressure, lack of excitement makes me lethargic). Now I'm juggling two rather time-consuming work projects, my normal life as a mom, and all the little tidbits and favors that I've been offering to people on the side, because I've had time to help. One way I notice I am busy beyond belief? I don't find time to blog regularly. I don't manage to read the newspaper. Forget the crossword puzzle.

I have managed to enjoy the Easter and May 1st breaks, though. This is the huge luxury of having quit a full-time office-based job. I may work full-time, but I can decide to take all of my vacation. All the bridge days, all of the time off that I want.

It's the biggest luxury in life. To have work, in order to have vacation. I am paraphrasing Pippi Longstocking, if you know the series where she decides to go to school, in order to have vacation…

Learning for Life - Visiting a PhD Colloquium

A few months ago, I was finally kicked out of my final PhD program. I had been enrolled in one program or another for the past ten years, but with the exception of my first attempt in London (on Nietzsche!), something else always came up (work-wise), and I remained a passive academic.

I visited a PhD colloquium of my former (Berlin) university yesterday, because they had invited also alumni to attend a talk by a PostDoc researcher on - tadaatadaa - compatibility of work and family. Most participants were PhD students, desperately trying not to nod off and draw parallels to their own work on regression analysis, dummy variables, or what not. Gender makes many people yawn - literally.

The paper that the researcher presented was really interesting, and having been trained in the US, the focus was quite quantitative (lots of data!). The findings showed that for 27 European countries, women work as much as men - although they may earn slightly less for the same work (the pay gap). However, with children, women work substantially less in all countries, and their pay falls drastically. There is no effect on fathers - there's often even a "fatherhood premium" in that pay increases when men have children (good old alphas!!!).

In countries with taxation systems that have a preference for married couples (see my blog on German Crazy German Ehegattensplitting ), women work and earn even less. But the biggest whopper is whether there is (affordable) childcare (with sufficient hours) on offer.

There's always so much to learn. I hope that I never stop being interested. And that even at the age of 70, I will visit a PhD colloquium.