Resolving Conflicts without Violence (or ARGH)

I finally finished Rosenberg's book on resolving conflicts without violence last night. I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I read it. Somewhere around the first third I struggled, when concepts such as "cosmic energy" popped up in every sentence (I'm not a 'cosmic energy'-kind of person).

As I mentioned in my last post, I have lots of "argh" moments at work, and I felt like these were becoming so systematic and repetitive that I was not only boring my friends to death, but also myself. So what better at this age (mid-30s) than to read some 'how to change your life'-books?

Rosenberg has worked all around the globe, from inner-city problem schools in Chicago to therapy groups for sexual abuse to the Israeli-Palestine conflict. And most interestingly, he's a parent, so he also discusses "conflicts" with children. Here are a few things I learned, or that were reconfirmed but I found valuable:

1) It's not all about you - but on the other hand it is. There are many interests and feelings in the world, and it's good to be aware that those interests and feelings at times conflict. Being successful at work may mean that someone else feels threatened, and a conflict results. New to me was the piece of advice to focus back on yourself, instead of ending up lost in strategic games and 'everyone has complex interests, and there's no solution'. Rosenberg's key message is to communicate. Not only try to figure out why someone is acting the way they are (they rarely do things because they are EVIL!), but express what this means for you. Your kids are wrecking havoc jumping on the sofa and screaming, and you feel like your head will burst? Maybe they need to get out and move? But maybe you can't go out right then, so you can explain why their action needs to change - because it's negatively impacting you (head hurts from noise!). Construct an indoor trampoline, somewhere behind a door you can close or wear earphones and listen to music? Your boss wants crazily long, daily reports? You don't have any time to do any work you like anymore? Communicate. Try to find out why the boss wants so many reports, and explain why this is negatively impacting your motivation and happiness at work. Try to find a solution how your boss' need to receive sufficient information and your own time can become aligned in a better way. Have lunch once a week?

2) Trust people - also kids. And treat every person with as much respect as you would if you'd meet Gandhi - or whomever you admire - most. Be an example of how you want your kids to talk to you, and to others. (Battling with this one!)

3) Learn to live with 'guilt'. There are so many things to change in the world. Try to change them (don't just meditate!). But also allow yourself to be happy of the lucky life you live (not in poverty, without need). See it as a resource that will make you stronger to tackle the changes you want to make. Don't use them as an excuse not to make those changes, though…find a balance.

4) Don't do things in the long run that you hate doing. If it means quitting a job, quit your job. There are no "musts" in life.

As you can tell, all a bit cosmic and incredibly difficult to implement in practice. It involves changing the way you talk, the way you use words, the speed at which you listen and provide advice. But perhaps something will stick. (I of course spend the morning shouting because I had slept little, two of three kids were being quite bratty and being really uncooperative with getting dressed for school, hah! And I have to think back to a book I read around a year ago, which had the message that you should accept and embrace your anger….)        

(On a parallel, I also just finished Vargas Llosa's The Way to Paradise the evening before, which I'm again glad I finished and read, although somewhere around the middle I could have declared it the worst book ever, among the category of Nobel-prize winners, that is. Conclusion for both books: endurance and persistence sometimes helps and makes the trip and temporary struggles worthwhile, at least when it comes to books.)