Today, 17 years ago, I met the man whom I am married to, and who is father to my three lovely (and at times little monster) kids. We have been engaged for exactly 12 years to the day, and are celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary this year. Being 34, we have known each other for exactly half a life.
If our life were a movie, it would be Before Sunrise, and its two sequels. I'm not quite Julie Delpy and he's not quite Ethan Hawke, but the story is similar. I wonder whether there will be a Part IV, and whether it will reflect our life in the same way. At least Julie and Ethan Hawke have aged very well, and continue to have witty conversations - and are still together, in the movie that is.
I talked to a friend on the phone today. She means a lot to me, and I've always felt that we connect on many levels. And such relationships always remind me how far back I go with many of my friends. Way beyond half a life, in some cases 10/11ths of a life. That's nearly all my life.
(Half a Life also reminds me of a VS Naipaul book with the same title. I remember liking it, but as with many books, have absolutely no idea what it was about anymore. Thankfully I save the best for a second reading - perhaps when I'm twice the age I am now, or for my friends or children.
Tomorrow we're at half a year, so Happy Midsummer everyone! Enjoy the longest day of the year in our hemisphere.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Outputs Outputs Everywhere
I've been awfully bad at writing regularly, which reflects how crazily busy I have been the past month or two. I'm juggling a lot of balls at the moment, and what's keeping me from writing here is the need to produce quite a few public "outputs" elsewhere. I have invested a lot of time into blogs, a website, and a mountain-load of emails. A couple of phone calls (as anyone who knows me: I don't do phone calls!). And coffees without end.
It's all been very productive and active, and I have met a whole bunch of interesting people through my new project. It again and again proves that housewife galore just isn't what works for me, when my radius tightens, my social meetings dwindle (mainly to other housewives), and that dustball behind the door just becomes too interesting.
I have no idea what I'll end up producing or attaining through this project. Do I have goals? Of course I do. But equally important is to enjoy the process. I'm in that wonderful honeymoon phase of learning, eagerly meeting new people, reading, and fascinated by a whole new world out there. I know from experience that this euphoric phase ends after a while, so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can.
It's good to see that not only are my kids growing (my eldest turned 8 yesterday, and we are as of last night a diaper-free household - literally 8 years to the day - as my youngest slept his first night without a diaper). But I am still growing as well, and feel like life is not "moving on" without me.
It's a good feeling, and it's what makes me happy. I may be treading on the same spot, year in year out, with my career, but as long as I learn while I do so, so what?
It's all been very productive and active, and I have met a whole bunch of interesting people through my new project. It again and again proves that housewife galore just isn't what works for me, when my radius tightens, my social meetings dwindle (mainly to other housewives), and that dustball behind the door just becomes too interesting.
I have no idea what I'll end up producing or attaining through this project. Do I have goals? Of course I do. But equally important is to enjoy the process. I'm in that wonderful honeymoon phase of learning, eagerly meeting new people, reading, and fascinated by a whole new world out there. I know from experience that this euphoric phase ends after a while, so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can.
It's good to see that not only are my kids growing (my eldest turned 8 yesterday, and we are as of last night a diaper-free household - literally 8 years to the day - as my youngest slept his first night without a diaper). But I am still growing as well, and feel like life is not "moving on" without me.
It's a good feeling, and it's what makes me happy. I may be treading on the same spot, year in year out, with my career, but as long as I learn while I do so, so what?
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Understanding different motivations - mapping incentives
I'm not a very strategic person, although I do not lack goals, determination and plans on how to reach my goals. I wrote one of my Master's theses on strategy, and originally specialized in security policy in part because I was so fascinated by Sun Tzu's and Clausewitzs' books on strategies in wars (surreal time-warp feeling while I type this, as I now work in such a different field).
It's strange to be interested in strategy, but lack skills in it. I still lack the ability to understand that other people have motivations - personal and organizational, and that I need to take these into account when working with people. After ten years of working, it's strange to still have "aha" moments when I realize that we do not all work for the same cause, in the same way. We compete in an awfully large number of issues, even when working on one single small project.
Strategic thinking - understanding also the moves of your "enemies" (in war), or "colleagues" (hmmm - what a parallel…) - is probably vital to success in the workplace. It's about knowing how to wiggle through, how to feeds some of others' needs while sticking to your own, knowing how to avoid constantly running into walls or creating counter-productive reactions and in-fights….
In part, it's about understanding people's actions in a more objective way. I tend to emotionalize, and react emotionally. "Why is someone trying to ruin my problem, and be mean?" When in real life, most of the time a more strategic person will think: "Some of our goals conflict. How can we compromise, trade, avoid larger conflicts, and still attain our goals?"
(Although sometimes people - also colleagues - are just plain mean and evil, trying to ruin projects and others just because they can, or enjoy doing so! And they can join my "never trust this person" list, and will stay on it for a very, very long time. And they will never transition from the "strategic colleague" group to "a friend beyond work" list.)
It's strange to be interested in strategy, but lack skills in it. I still lack the ability to understand that other people have motivations - personal and organizational, and that I need to take these into account when working with people. After ten years of working, it's strange to still have "aha" moments when I realize that we do not all work for the same cause, in the same way. We compete in an awfully large number of issues, even when working on one single small project.
Strategic thinking - understanding also the moves of your "enemies" (in war), or "colleagues" (hmmm - what a parallel…) - is probably vital to success in the workplace. It's about knowing how to wiggle through, how to feeds some of others' needs while sticking to your own, knowing how to avoid constantly running into walls or creating counter-productive reactions and in-fights….
In part, it's about understanding people's actions in a more objective way. I tend to emotionalize, and react emotionally. "Why is someone trying to ruin my problem, and be mean?" When in real life, most of the time a more strategic person will think: "Some of our goals conflict. How can we compromise, trade, avoid larger conflicts, and still attain our goals?"
(Although sometimes people - also colleagues - are just plain mean and evil, trying to ruin projects and others just because they can, or enjoy doing so! And they can join my "never trust this person" list, and will stay on it for a very, very long time. And they will never transition from the "strategic colleague" group to "a friend beyond work" list.)
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Thank YOU
A quick note to say a heart-felt thanks to my blog readers. It touches me each time someone mentions they read a few posts now and then. It's a lot of (rather repetitive) rambling to follow, and as a blog has something like a "mass mail" feeling to it, reading blogs is a bit like skimming through to find something relevant or interesting. I have to admit that I don't regularly read any blogs, but simply for one reason: my friends do not write any, or give up quickly (poo poo!!). I read blog entries mainly to find information, e.g. on a specific topic through a google search. But I'd love to read more by people I know….hint hint, nudge nudge.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Salary "Negotiation" - Upfront or at End?
When I applied for my last "office job", I was unsure whether I would - as a mom of three and with a commuting husband - be a very productive employee. My biggest worry was that I wouldn't manage the juggle - or that I wouldn't have control over all of the balls. It all worked out very well in the end, and I would say that I was just as productive - if not more - than I would have been without kids. I worked at a fast pace during the day to ensure I'd get things done. And I invested work time in the evenings when necessary - and when I felt like something was important or I wanted to clean my to-do plate quickly.
But when I applied and interviewed for the job, I had many self-doubts. I wanted the job (content-wise), and decided to try my best. But at the back of my head, I was worried about one big factor: the job had been advertised without a salary. This is usually, but not always, a bad sign. In this case it was a horrible sign. I interviewed and interviewed, and finally found out what the salary would be. I literally cried, because it was the lowest I had ever earned. I accepted the job nonetheless, thinking I would find other fulfillment and rewards, and hopefully climb the ladder (or jump!) quickly.
I'm currently in talks with another company, and have been asked for a salary expectation. I've been open this time around, and have stated my expectation. In return, I have asked whether this is at all in the ballpark that they can budget. No response. Talk first, pay later.
I understand that it makes sense for a potential employer to "lure" candidates in. Some employees may never consider a company or position if the salary is stated publicly. I sure would not have with my previous position. An interview process is relationship-building in some way, and an investment on both sides. An employee may feel like all that time and effort energy invested into interviews would be lost, just because the salary is much lower than expected in the end. The company may get a good deal this way, or may have sold themselves on other factors - making an employee realize that they are willing to take a cut.
On the other hand, I'm more and more starting to think that interviews are like sunk costs. No matter how much time and energy I invest, this doesn't justify taking a huge cut in the end. The expectations are simply too far apart if the financials are not even on the same planet. It's simply been wasted time then.
I think the best strategy is to try to compromise. If an organization is unwilling to make public their poor (or amazing?) salary package, I'm willing to give them a benefit of doubt - for a while. But after a while, I don't think it's worth anyone's time to go through lots of interviews without knowing whether you'll be driving a scooter or a Porsche. It does make a difference, and sometimes there are bills to pay, a life to live, and there's no option to take huge pay cuts.
In short: I'm all for transparency and up-front salary information. But I understand that it's not always in a company's interest - it rarely probably is, unless "truly competitive package" means exactly that, and not "absolutely appallingly embarrassing package".
Any thoughts or experiences - please comment or email me!
But when I applied and interviewed for the job, I had many self-doubts. I wanted the job (content-wise), and decided to try my best. But at the back of my head, I was worried about one big factor: the job had been advertised without a salary. This is usually, but not always, a bad sign. In this case it was a horrible sign. I interviewed and interviewed, and finally found out what the salary would be. I literally cried, because it was the lowest I had ever earned. I accepted the job nonetheless, thinking I would find other fulfillment and rewards, and hopefully climb the ladder (or jump!) quickly.
I'm currently in talks with another company, and have been asked for a salary expectation. I've been open this time around, and have stated my expectation. In return, I have asked whether this is at all in the ballpark that they can budget. No response. Talk first, pay later.
I understand that it makes sense for a potential employer to "lure" candidates in. Some employees may never consider a company or position if the salary is stated publicly. I sure would not have with my previous position. An interview process is relationship-building in some way, and an investment on both sides. An employee may feel like all that time and effort energy invested into interviews would be lost, just because the salary is much lower than expected in the end. The company may get a good deal this way, or may have sold themselves on other factors - making an employee realize that they are willing to take a cut.
On the other hand, I'm more and more starting to think that interviews are like sunk costs. No matter how much time and energy I invest, this doesn't justify taking a huge cut in the end. The expectations are simply too far apart if the financials are not even on the same planet. It's simply been wasted time then.
I think the best strategy is to try to compromise. If an organization is unwilling to make public their poor (or amazing?) salary package, I'm willing to give them a benefit of doubt - for a while. But after a while, I don't think it's worth anyone's time to go through lots of interviews without knowing whether you'll be driving a scooter or a Porsche. It does make a difference, and sometimes there are bills to pay, a life to live, and there's no option to take huge pay cuts.
In short: I'm all for transparency and up-front salary information. But I understand that it's not always in a company's interest - it rarely probably is, unless "truly competitive package" means exactly that, and not "absolutely appallingly embarrassing package".
Any thoughts or experiences - please comment or email me!
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