November Outside and Inside

November is a really tough month, at least up here in the Northern hemisphere. Whereas lots of people claim that they like autumn, I think November gets excluded from this category. It's not mulled wine season yet, it feels scarily early to start slowly getting some Christmas smells and atmosphere into the flat, and there is no sign of beautiful autumn foliage out there. It's gray, rainy, cold and just plain ugh.

So far, it has also been a bit of a November month not only outside, but also inside (myself). I've had a few very positive encounters, meetings, even work events. But it's all a bit of a struggle when the sun is not out, providing that reminder that there's something positive out there. I do have the kids for that every now and then, thank heavens. And friends, thank universe.

November is the "brakes" of the year. Whereas many other months of the year simply fly by, we crawl through November. No rustling of autumn leaves under our feet, no sledging and crunching of snow. Time to get a fireplace...?

Time to move out of the bedroom

Back to a non-work post: it's time to move out of the bedroom. For both of us. And with us I mean both myself and my youngest (just over 2.5 years). I've spent the past 1.5 hours next to his bed (hallelujah for the ipad), waiting for him to fall asleep. Cut his nap? Tick. Just let him go to bed on his own. Cross (have tried a few times, but as with all things, it's usually all or nothing and cold turkey is the way to go with our kids). And while we're at it, having him over in my bed (note: only my side of the bed). Another cross. Tried a few times half-heartedly, failed. As a result, rest poorly in the evenings, sleep poorly in the nights. Coffee only goes a short way.... I'm tired. Time for a change? Yes. Energy to bring about this change (reminder, I have to do this alone 3-4 nights each week due to our commuter dad)? Not yet... ;)

Job Offers vs No Rush

I again got another job offer today. I should be over the moon, as this was the third one in a short time. It should be such a confidence booster. I should be rubbing my palms together. But after these months, I lack two important feelings: optimism and idealism. I feel disappointed, disillusioned - and the grass doesn't look very green anywhere in my eyes at the moment. I'm probably in the need of a bit of a rest, and need a bit of distance from this circus. Just a day or two (which hasn't been that easy in my current job, which does not support compensation time, "taking vacation", or just being a tiny bit flexible at times - yes, as everyone tells me, "get out of there!!") - and then I'll be ready to rethink...

Core Network and Work Network

I often have a difficult time differentiating between people who are nice to me because they are nice to ME, and people who are nice because they want something. I'm often disappointed when I realize they fall only into the latter category, and can be quite nasty when they cannot use me. I like being liked, and am not a very tough cookie when not liked - i.e. it hurts. But even more than my craving to be liked is my craving not to be "used", so with every job, I've piled up a set of people with whom I dont get along. The best way to find out whether people really like you in your job is to experience their reactions when you quit. It shows who is in your "core network" and who is just there, friendly or not, because they want something. Core people stay - through various jobs. Work people leave. And it's quite transparent in their reactions to the news of a departure. An honest "oh no!" feels honest, the rest don't even often bother to react. Or if it's expressed face-to-face, one set will give you a hug, the other set somehow freeze over right there and then. So, when meeting people, you rarely know whom you can count on. When leaving people, it's quite clear. Strange just HOW clear.

Time to Rethink

After several months of debating this decision with myself, and after eight months since starting my job, I quit. There's a long list of reasons why I decided I will leave, and an equally long list why I stayed on for so long.

It's a surreal feeling at the moment, knowing I'll most likely be back in career free fall soon, but also knowing that there would be a number of opportunities out there. Great career opportunities, and I have been asked to apply for a number of these opportunities. This may be the main reason I decided to quit: the discrepancy of where I think I should be, and where I am.

It's a geographical discrepancy, not only a distance in career steps.

The problem is, these career advancement opportunities are not in Berlin. And the greater problem is that my life is not only one suitcase anymore, which can be packed up. It's also not something that can wait in storage. My life is also not my life alone anymore. It is also the life of my husband, with his work, and that of my children. It is my life with my friends, and this city that I consider my home.

I have always defined myself strongly through work, or where I thought my studies and career would take me. My self esteem and feeling of value stems from work to a great extent. My motivation to achieve and do stems from work.

It's time to rethink things again. And hopefully build something new. It will be a difficult, long process, I fear. But what doesn't kill us (and this wont kill me!) will make us stronger, to quote Nietzsche.

Blog Phase 1 so far was about "how to get a job in Berlin". Blog Phase 2 is likely to be "can I get the right job in Berlin". Because as those of you who have followed Phase 1 so far, this mom of three will not and cannot be happy without a "job"... excuse the lack of cupcake recipes and boutique tips in the future as well!