Things that change before giving birth - and things that don't

I have read every single piece of advice and list of "to dos" that is available online for the days before giving birth. As this is my fourth child, I am probably re-reading lists and tips for the fourth time. At the end of the day, the only advice is: be patient. If there's one thing that is not my asset, it's patience. Although I knew that this baby is likely to be born around the due date (or slightly after), as all other three children, I have for three weeks been determined that "it could (and should!) happen any time now".

Maybe if my body and brain would not be shutting down, things would be easier. My nesting instinct is just increasing by the hour ("do I really have to leave the house at all?") and my range and intensity of interest in the world outside (news, my beloved news!) is dwindling to zero. I can't even concentrate enough to finish a crossword puzzle or sudoku, things that I would usually do to wind down. I'm still trying to read (newspapers, a great book), but there's only so much one can read each day.

I'm happy to shut down - it's healthy before what expects me (a strenuous birth, weeks and months of end of sleepless and tiring days and nights), but it would be great if I could also switch off fully in terms of impatience. If I could just feel utter harmony, and drift along each day with a placid smile on my face, instead of gritting my teeth that this wait feels so long (you should see me at 3am, when I realise that again it's a night when it's not going to start...).

My little whine of the day. The day after tomorrow is my official due date, I have no reason whatsoever to complain, I know!

What would you do on your last day of .... freedom?

Still waiting, waiting, waiting. With my husband and kids gone for the weekend for the third week in a row (as I can't travel, they're trying to ensure I get some rest, and they are enjoying a few get-aways and quality time out of the city), time is passing by very, very, very slowly.

Soon I'll have this lovely baby to care for, but that also means being chained to routines, and - let's face it - a loss of freedom (temporarily), as my own needs, desires and whims will come last for a while.

Why is it so difficult to invest into "quality time" when I know I still have it? Exhibitions, cafes, concerts galore? I keep asking myself: "If this is your last day of freedom, what would you like to do?" And I end up vacuuming, sorting things in the house, doing some basic shopping, spending far too much time online.

On the other hand, I'm trying not to pressure myself to do things. This is probably normal "nesting instinct", the opposite of running around and doing things I'd do during a normal vacation. I'm also physically not up for running around anymore the way I did a few weeks ago. And it's probably normal that I'm turning my thoughts and actions inwards - which is where I'll need to concentrate on sooner than later.

Five days to go until my due date.

Pre-birth 2 - Ready, Set......

I knew from my past pregnancies that I don't deal very well with sitting at home and waiting for the baby to arrive. I've sorted everything, built all furniture, am rested, and am ready to go. I've enjoyed long walks, running errands, meeting friends, sitting in cafes. I even for the first time knitted some outfits for the baby, pre-cooked some basic meals - including a post-birth chicken soup. I read all newspapers online, and my daily newspaper cover to cover.

And I still would continue to do so, juggling things to keep myself busy (=sane), if we wouldn't have a strong heat wave that it keeping me indoors. Berlin is not a city of air-conditioning, and stepping outside into the heat and sun isn't compatible with my current state. My stomach is also too heavy for long outings.

So, I have officially entered the "get this baby out of here" phase. I still have a full 10 days until my official due date. Wish my luck/sanity until then. Thanks!

Pre-birth - hormones and gratitude

My upcoming birth results in a lot of life-and-death thoughts at the moment. I work in an area where I use the statistic "800 women die from pregnancy and child-birth EVERY DAY" very regularly, and although I live in Berlin, I'm aware that giving birth is not without risks, anywhere. It's probably much less risky than crossing the street, but as these risk ratings go, we always tend to overestimate risks from non-standard events - and giving birth is something we don't do a hundred times a day.

I not only think about what life for my family would mean without me, but am also much more conscious that my family members live lives that can involve accidents, diseases or even death - at any time. It's simply a thought that is often there for many parents, and very much on the surface in these late stages of pregnancy. It's probably linked to an evolutionary instinct to want to survive, and for women, wanting our children to survive as well.

Giving birth soon has also put many of my friendships in perspective. I am so very grateful for every one of my friends, even if our lives (building careers and having children left and right) currently means that we lack time and energy to be in as much active contact as we'd like to.

I am very grateful for all I have, and all I have had. I often complain, want to have more, want to do things differently, expect others to behave and act differently - but at the end of the day, during this phase directly before birth, it all doesn't matter. We're here and we're blessed to be here, and most of us are so blessed to live healthy, secure, peaceful lives.

Gratitude.

What have a I learned over the past year about careers & kids?

I was today interviewed by a researcher working on careers+kids. She is conducting 135 qualitative/narrative interviews around the world, and although nearly done, said she is still fascinated by each and every story. I can relate, as although I didn't interview as many people during my one-year project on the topic - and many of them were friends, who have absolutely fascinating stories to tell - the topic is one that quickly gets personal, goes into depth and illuminates so many different philosophies and experiences in life.

I was asked several questions during the one-hour interview that I found difficult to answer, such as "what is a good mother?", "what is a good father?" and "what do you tell young women who are thinking about the topic?". On the first two, I more and more believe that moms and dads can (and possibly should) be interchangeable as primary parents and caretakers (I'd in particular like that to be case for pregnancy and giving birth, as well as breastfeeding during the night, as I approach my birth due date in two weeks!). And I more and more think that what I should be telling young people is to "STOP THINKING", and just go with what you feel. Especially in Germany. We today discussed in length how German bureaucracy can prevent any sane, educated person from making decisions. The amount of research required to understand the policies is just impossible (all in legal jargon, dozens of pages long, completely and utterly contradictory and incomprehensible), as is the amount of paperwork needed once the baby is born (to get a birth certificate, to apply for allowances and benefits, etc., all in the same legal jargon format). One can spend months on end trying to figure out how much a child will cost, and what tax implications it will have. And yes, sadly many people also seem to have kids based on how many bedrooms are available, as I've noticed with some friends. Or car seats, once the decision goes from 3 to 4.

Are these really the right criteria or inhibitors to having children? A room per child, a car seat per child, an extra plane ticket per child? Yes, children take up space. They are expensive, especially if you decide to go for private care and schools, and like travelling (long distances) by plane, and staying in hotels. But is this a reason not to have (more) kids?

I realize I haven't written anything about careers yet. Perhaps because I've now been out of the office for a week, and am fully out of work mode (how quickly things change!). I'll leave that to another post (I'm currently reading the Never Ending Story with my two older girls, and those who know the book well will know the sentence "but that is another story, to be told some other time").